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2005-04-29 - 4:19 p.m.

I feel much better after talking with Katerina just now!

She told me about the counselor that she and her brother have been seeing for the past five weeks.

OK- so FIVE WEEKS is a long time for them to have not mentioned this....

Its a little sad as its a huge reminder I am ancillary in their lives.

However it was refreshing to hear her say "We talk about missing you"

She said she doesn't like going, and that Daddy doesn't like going but that he said they should go anyway.

She and Soren take turns alternating Mondays and they see the counselor along with their Daddy.

She said he is there the whole time with her and they talk about communication issues.

So that seems like a very good thing and that the emotional needs of the kids in adjusting to their new life are in fact being addressed. It also sounds like their Daddy is seeking support in his role as a parent.

Maybe there will be positive results in the communication area. That could only be a good thing. Maybe then it would transfer to his communication with me as a parent from afar.

She also was relieved to get her report card. Her math grade went from a 95 to a 94!! (She told me she was worried about it!)

I HAVE TO STOP OBSESSING about Katerina and Soren today!! WE had a PRETRIAL CONFERENCE YESTERDAY so it is now hard for me!! I always hit this funk after one of those court appearances. The day after I am anxious and worried and stressed and do all I can to not neglect the other kids with my obsessive concern and need to write to the ones not hear, write about the ones not here, and talk to them , or talk about them, or read even the weather report in Buffalo wondering how they are.....

OK a much needed tear. One fell... OK to be more accurate TWO one from each eye. I'm not a crier so that's my big emotional release! (HA HA) It does feel good!

With those two first and last tears of the day... I think I'm finally ready to really be present in the moment HERE and NOW where I am with the other four lovely little children who I have today let freely WRECK the HOUSE!

Thank God Westly comes back from being out of town tonight!! Its stablizing and so good for me to know he will come home in a few hours and will apprechiate an orderly house! It gets me off my butt and out of any possible funk. Being accountable to another person really does keep one healthy. AS does being responsible for another person.

I can't preserverate on my troubles for long when I have little ones to care for.

In all of this ironically I see that is the VERY reason that Katerina and Soren's Dad is tackling his addictions now. The very reason he couldn't do it before. When with me I never acted at all DEPENDENT on him. I never really let him in emotionally I see now as I always continued to TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING like I ALWAYS DID and he being a passive person LET ME. The kids and I acted and seemed SO FINE even when he was not involved or healthy. He felt so UNIMPORTANT and INSIGNIFICANT. For the first time in his life, he feels like he is VALUED and SIGNIFICANT and NEEDED.

As much as I have criticized that its horrible to place the kids in the so called care of their Father as his mental health is DEPENDENT on them, I can actually empathize and UNDERSTAND how that is so very true. And at some level I wonder if that is really so bad. In some ways EVERYONE's MENTAL HEALTH is dependent on being loved and needed by someone. Maybe it is sad that Katerina and Soren's Father has no one else, but at the same time, maybe its not so bad if they indeed do HELP him to be healthy and functional.

And on that note: Today, in the day after a Pre-Trial Conference, and in those days past after a court date when I could fall into a funk, I don't because of the girls.

The difference is that that responsibilty prevents me from ever really falling (I just leave my PJS on longer and become a bit self absorbed for a few hours), whereas that responsibility is what is now pulling Katerina's and Soren's Dad up after his great Fall of self absorption for YEARS.

But even the glimpse of the pull to fall into despair allows me some insight.

Insight and understanding are of course different from condoning. But there is value in being able to have empathy rather than bitterness.

And I realize through all of this that REALLY I and Westely are not being attacked. Its really just a card being played in order for Katerina's and Soren's Dad to LIVE. For one who has been so low, there is nothing else that can give him strength to pull himself together.

You can't go to a court and say "I want to file for custody because its killing me that I don't have anyone to love. I NEED to love my kids and have them actively in my life NEEDING me to care for them. Without them my life is devoid of meaning"

But to one who that above statement rings true-- If it really is a matter of life or death for you, you just might have no qualms about saying ANYTHING to get your kids with you. One on the brink of self destruction might do anything to get their life back.

And if it works? If the kids being with him DO make him functional and happy and healthy when nothing else can, when I in fact have always been and will always be happy? (Hell I remember saying I was happy in my marriage even when my Ex was so ill.... it wasn't unhappiness or lack of love for him that made me end it but the recognition that it was not a healthy environment for the kids to be AROUND him in such illness that was starting to be destructive to ME ! He was abusive at that point...)
But even then I WAS NOT UNHAPPY!

I have always been convinced happiness is SUCH an internal thing that has LITTLE to do with what is going on around you! It has to do with your peace with yourself.
I have been gifted with that inner peace.

So if this situation means that My EX is at peace? and if it REALLY means the kids are happy as they tell me they are- Well then I admit it might be hard to LET GO

But is it SO BAD?

Not really.

I'm ready for the trial which is MAY 19th with a demeanor of peaceful acceptance that what is to be best WILL work out. I am convinced that there is indeed the hand of God in all of this in some crazy way I may not understand. Maybe the kids will come back to me. Maybe they won't. But maybe through all of this Westley will have faces his demons and tackled his anger issues to a greater degree than before. Maybe in addressing all these issues we will emerged with a renewed and even stronger healthier marriage. Maybe my EX will truly have found God and meaning and love in his life, of his children, of God, and of himself and maybe he really has overcome his addicitons. Maybe the kids really are happier. Mayebe their Dad will remain more involved in their lives if they do come back to live with Westley and I .

All in all, I still think that in the end there will be good achieved through all of this that wouldn't otherwise have occurred.

And now- time to stop worrying about it all and time to allow my spirit to be one of peaceful acceptance.

Time to be present in the moment in the time and place I am in.

Time to go to the Post Office to mail the bill Westley asked me to mail today! And then clean up the house and make dinner. Then time to enjoy the peacefulness of bath and bedtime stories and the joy of welcoming Westley home after a week of business travel.

Better get my butt in gear!

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