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2005-05-20 - 6:57 a.m.

I just titled my last entry "ITs over and I gave up" I think I should have written ITS OVER AND I GAVE IN .

WHAT I AM HOLDING ONTO is still that maybe the prayers were answered that GOD's WILL BE DONE.

Westley's new job is in SYRACUSE.

That Had to be divine intervention as it is nothing more than miraculous he landed a job that can sustain the VA home and support us here in NY!

Yesterday after this was over and I had taken the kids to lunch (along with Raitlin who came with me and was in Childcare there at the COurt YWCA), I turned a corner and there crossing the street (almost across to my right) was OUR FAVORITE BUFFALO BABYSITTER AND AN OLD FRIEND I LOST TOUCH WITH: We called her "MARY POPPINS" and she is an amazing person who works with HOME (HOUSING OPPORTUNITIES MADE EQUAL) so I pulled to the right of the road and she was then LITERALLY IN FRONT OF MY CAR... and I honked and she thought it was some crazy driver at first and I was so thrilled!

I mean what are the odds? I even have such a tendency to get lost and drive around until I find the main road and know where to go-- and at that time I was in that shell shocked state just driving heading in the right direction but had no specific route and was going wherever I had the whim. That turn could have been easily made on another street. (I love grids!)

So it felt to me like divine intervention.

Katerina was so thrilled to tell her about CHORUS from the window where they recently sang "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing" and Katerina clearly remembered our friend teaching it to her... Mary Poppins chimed in "Do wop Do wop Do wop " with KAterina from the window. I don't know if she had the MEMORY of the details Katerina remembered.

She asked how long I was there... and I briefly told her from the window we had a custody trial and the kids were living with DAD and I had to leave town just them but she genuinely seemed as excited as me to meet again and said get in touch! I told her I had occassionally checked out the HOME site to follow her work (WHICH I think is amazing! She is indeed one of my professional heros) Here's where she works and where I can look her up

I had one moment in the trial that was (it didn't last long- just the in camera with the kids then the negotiation, and "settlement" that would be accepted) - when the judge said "I understand Ms BLake has moved to NY" where I just couldn't control myself and impulsively said "That's incorrect. My domicile remains in Virginia. We have purcased a second vacation home in New York."

I just couldn't let that slide.... should have shut up. But it was IMPORTANT to do that so it is on the record JUST IN CASE I WANTED TO GO FORTH TO TRIAL

I'm still annoyed about the whole question of juridiction. YOU SEE NY only had it legally IF INDEED THERE WAS A BONA FIDE EMERGENCY SITUATION AND THE CHILDREN HAD TO BE REMOVED FOR THEIR SAFETY.

If that were in fact the case ALL OUR CHILDREN would have been removed from our home! THe Erie Dept Social worker for the court, my marriage counselor THEY FINALLY talked to !, and the CPS guy who responded in VA (who the NY court ALSO finally talked to!) ALL ATTESTED that there was no emergency although there were indeed PROBLEMS.

That's what my biggest gripe of all with the court is : They never had jurisdiction.

But again, to really fight that (I"ll lose in the lower court. ) I think I Would WIN ON APPEAL but because the kids WANT to be with their Dad its not worth being so stubborn. WHICH IS WHY it WAS impulsive of me to CORRECT the judge.

Oh well

My impulsivity of the ADD would have been VERY hard to control in trial as I was upset about the whole thing. WHy my attorney said "You'll be a terrible witness!)

(Although in some ways I think that would have still been OK. Maybe they'd get I am a REACTIVE person and not one inclined to IGNORE anything despite my optimistic "minimizing " of things by nature!)

MEDICATION SOMEDAY.... I write as I am nursing the baby (What the hell is her psydoname again... a literary inspired one based on a book that was here... OH YES ALEXY.)

On the topic of medication it was mentioned recently that we can look at that by OUR NEW MARRIAGE COUNSELOR! Yes we found one in NY.

I am pleased to have found one who

1. I THOUGHT Westley might be receptive and find credibilty in as the guy was registered with an ASSOCIATION OF PASTORAL COUNSELORS. I'm thinking Westely has that bit of old fashioned right wing thinking going on.... so work with it....and I SOUGHT out a pastoral counselor. I also thought that in our work it might be good to have someone qho incorporates faith as well.

2. Uses IMAGO therapy so can contine with our work of the VA counselor.

3. WAS willing to see us WITH KIDS IN TOW for the first appointment and seems flexible about working with us w/ kids (since we haven't sitting here at all yet!) WE met him at his home office on a sunny evening and left the kids in the car with a DVD while we had our appointment on the front porch just a few feet away and we held Alexy with us. (That incidentally is how we had appointments in VA on nice day! At least this guy is in a development so its not in the heart of town as the VA COUNSELOR's office is.)

So after scheduling the appointment I found the counselor's web site. Then I found his OTHER WEB SITE where he has done ALOT of writing. SO then I REALLY got a sense of who he is! And I was hysterical! I couldn't have found someone MORE LIBERAL or in some ways MORE OPPOSITE to what I was looking for regarding the faith element. You see occassionally Westely will give me some CRAP of invoking the religion excuse for some unacceptable behaviour LIKE Proverbs says "SPARE the ROD SPOIL THE CHILD" HE CAN"T PULL THAT CRAP with Christians who are well versed in the BIBLE and KNOW and call people on perverting it! The bible is VERY CLEAR on the subjects of child rearing, and relationships of husbands and wives and family and SOME try to invoke and use religion as an excuse to ABUSE and control. They PERVERT what the bible actually says. Westley hasn't resorted to that sad tactic often, but in a desperation I heard him mention the Proverbs a few times. I of course took a BIBLE STUDY and thought I'll nip that tactic right in the budd!! (Taking the BIBLE stusy was for my own interest but it also just so happened to be helpful!)

After my BIBLE study experience which was really VERY affirming of RESPECT and VERY HELPFUL for the many wifes and mothers who went, I really thought it would be great to continue to seek guidance from the BIBLE. I'll do so, but I thought it could only enhance our family life if we perhaps as a couple strengthened our spiritual life together.


ANd here's what I see as an example of divine intervention. I get the sense that this counselor IS VERY GOOD and perhaps will be good for us though in some ways HE"S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what I was looking for!!

Here's his web site! ITs almost funny how he is very liberal ....and has a mission of attacking the hypocracy of the exremist religious right. I fall some where in the middle of the road on lots of issues... right wing on some, very left of center on many others..... but I REALLY LIKED his site and views.

So I think maybe he is well versed in scripture and won't take crap of using it as a weapon-- but not in the manner I anticipated! I sread it and thought I should send it to my brother PAUL.

Oh and I think the man's web photo is hideous. He is a much more attractive older grey haired man. WHY DO MEN who would be otherwise attractive RUIN THEIR LOOKS WITH HORRID HAIR DYE? OR COMBING THAT ONE HAIR over the huge bald spot?

Most importantly though - I think he will be helpful for Westley and I as we continue this journey of attacking our own demons together.

That tough decision I made 4 years ago, and 4 months ago, and 4 weeks ago and that I re-affirm over and over, that MARRIAGE is work . Marriage is commitment. IF things ARE UNHEALTHY OR DANGEROUS YES you then HAVEN"T a MARRIAGE that is viable! But mine has been growing for years and isn't a dead one.

So we contine our journey. And let's hope it is one of being receptive to a path we are meant for. I still believe God has a plan for each of us and things are right in life if we are open and receptive and make good choices. We have free will- but ultimately I think its the will to either be true to ourselves and the opportunities for goodness God really does lay out for us! Or we can fuck it all up by stubborn refusal to be open.

So once again. I feel like I haven't given up on this legal battle. I feel like I have finally submitted and God's will became clearer.

I know the psycologist thought me arrogant when she asked what I wanted to be the outcome of this all and I honestly answered though to some it might sound silly "I want God' Will to be Done"

I think she took that to be arrogance as I added "I'd LIKE to thinkI know what's in the kids best interest and that I AM RIGHT and that they'll end up back with me."

What I really FELT was actually that sense of humbleness and PEACEFULLNESS that in the end this will all work out - and FAITH that ultimately f things didn't go my way its becuase of the HAND of GOd.

So I am in some ways at peace.
And in some ways I know I'll continue through grief.

But am seeking to find joy in life.

And now- to clean up the pee pee of Raitlin who was saying " I need underwear" and forgot the toilet in that moment. To tend to children.....

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