2005-05-20 - 3:59 p.m.
OK I wrote too soon. Not QUITE done with negotiations YET.
Talked to my DAD the ultimate voice of reason. WHO else but one's mother and father who are DEFENSIVE about their children and WORRIED about my safety and that of their Grandchildren WHO else would have MORE interest in what's best for us all than them?
No one really!
And my Dad the voice of reason, along with my mom, the minimizer herself who then holds stuff in and lets resentment grow who has been none too pleased with Westley---- BOTH of them agree
I SHOULD HOLD OUT on one point.
THEY FIND IT NOT REASONABLE that WESTELY not be allowed in the presence of the children for that summer month!
They both said "That's not reasonable"
DAD said "Hold out on that one point."
Great to have such loving and supportive parents!
I was ready to give up and they both convinced me I CAN STILL FIGHT FOR A REASONABLE AGREEMENT without being a jerk and ATTACKING the opponent.
That's right I have leveage: The court NEVER HAD JURISDICTION.
I could push that.
And on that point I am SURE I could win. And they KNOW THIS. (Considering the CPS guy in VA attested to that. It was verbally only TOLD to the law guardian... but if needed his opinion would be introduced as compelling evidence that YES while there WERE PROBLEMS they were not of the nature that gave NY JURISDICION Over EVENTS IN VA!!! The only reason I never pushed this before it that despite travel it ironically turned out more CONVIENIENT for me to maintain the case in NY as they had CHILD CARE!! I figure let them pay for child care! My gas is cheaper than me finding child care and Westley losing a day of income every time I had a hearing. That gave me some sense of justice also. If THEY want the case in NY LET THEM INCUR THE COSTS OF THIS RATHER THAN VA!! LET THEM USE THEIR TAXPAYERS $$!!! So I decided not to push this. BUT NOW! If we ARE TO GO FORWARD TO TRIAL I Could SO EASILY present that motion, and turn my car around and go back to life in Linclon full time. Westley last night asked me if I wanted to just go back there since I won't have custody. He said he's be OK if we maintain the home there most often even when he is working here and I then travel to see the kids in NY. HE'd prefer us all to be here with him as he works here MORE OFTEN than he works in VA but he STILL works in VA a few days every other week anyway. He offered that as I was lamenting that we are giving up the idyllic childhood experience THERE for Katerina and Soren who HAD IT, but now our other girls won't get that fantastic early childhood experience. I was lamenting that we went to the county BECAUSE OF KATERINA's interest. Westely had just told me HE IS HAPPY to be in NY! HE WANTS the little girls here as the schools are ACADEMICALLY very good here! HE thinks BETTER here than in VA. I think that not the case compared to our elementary school in particular (maybe overall? Our school was ranked #1 in the county in at least a few of the recent years) The little girls won't get the family farming like the others, they won't get the closeness of the small school where the kids really do have much closer friendships than they develop at larger schools where you don't have ALL THE same kids in class each year. They won't get the benefits of the amazing little community where we have so many great friends. The old fashioned values. The school where no one DARES BULLY because THE PRINCIPAL knows you by name and chats with your mom ... and he walks into each class daily. I was upset we are forced to give that all up-- FOR only one weekend a month with Katerina and Soren
I was lamenting THE UTTER SELFISHNESS of it all.
And he offered to let me not have to grieve over the loss of the lifestyle and the friends and the community we had there. I said "No Many of those ties were weakened when the kids left anyway as they were through the common experiences and once the kids were out of school I no longer saw those friends regularly" I talked of how I have already had to deal with that. BUT I THOUGHT it was temporary. At one level I EXPECTED we'd get to AT LEAST go back there WITH the WHOLE FAMILY SOMETIME
SO I hope that they ARE REASONABLE and will agree to that one change so we can all REALLY be done with this.
Because if they don't I HAVE to still consider trial now that I am confident my parents will continue to support and my brothers too and they all will rally to help me out as needed! Its great to have a loving supportive family.
Maybe the kid's DAD will see there IS VALUE in siblings, in their STEP FATHER and in Me VALUE that he would be selfish to not apprechiate and discount. I hope he thinks about this alot.
I hope we at least can get a settlement that we both can REALLY end up at peace with. To settle under conditions that would just cause me to be resentful and angry wouldn't be worth it. A trial, as painful would be LESS PAIN overall than accepting what could literally mean whittling away my relationship with the kids.
That's what I feel like seeing them once a month is. Its the gradual process -- as they grow and I am only a monthly visitor (IF I CONTINUE TO NOT HAVE ANY OTHER SUBSTAINTAL TIME WITH THEM) they will change. The day will arrive when we haven't had enough time together to really know who the other is, who the other has become.
It must be an amazing thing to re-connect with adult children after they've been away at college and to RE-DISCOVER them and learn who they have grown into. I imagine Katerina and Soren's DAD has been experiencing and cherishing that. But that's NORMAL for ADULT children who have left the nest. I don't want to PRE-Mauturely have my children have to go through that process! I don't want to have to LET GO of them as their PARENT at ages 10 and 11. LEts face it--- a monthy visit, no matter what anyone else says IS NOT NOR CAN BE REALLY CONSIDERED ACTIVE PARENTING! Come on-- be realistic! I am really being stripped of the right to RAISE and be a PARENT to my children.
The consolation I get from others is "You'll always be their mother"
YES but I also would like to remain more than their biological mother. I'd like to remain THEIR PARENT.
IT seems worth the fight to me. Having the support and realizing I CAN FIGHT WITHOUT BEING NASTY ABOUT IT makes me more confident.
And HEY- WHO BETTER THAN MY DAD THE DEACON TO BE A GREAT MESSENGER for me to listen to??? Maybe he speaks of God's will too!!! MAybe I was TOO READY to accept what happened yesterday as I prayed for GOD's will so was impatient to get MY ANSWER and resolution WHEN I EXPECTED IT. HEY MAYBE I was going to accept that BECAUSE I WANT THIS OVER .... but maybe that would just be Foolish and silly of me to not continue to stongly insist that I AM NOT ONLY DESERVING OF MY PARENTAL RIGHTS, but that THE KIDS NEED ME! THAT THIS CHANGE IS IN THEIR BEST INTEREST!!!!
I KNOW THAT TO BE TRUE.
I hope that is agreed upon!