2005-06-19 - 7:35 a.m.

I'm up and on line as the recipie I wanted for this, OUR SECOND celebration of Father's DAY this year, was not in this NY kitchen- but in a cookbook left back home in VA.

So I found a version to try of German Apple Pancakes:

http://www.cooks.com/rec/doc/0,1818,150190-244192,00.html

Highlights of yestedays LONG DETAILED AND LOST ENTRY:

Went to see the marriage counselor BY MYSELF on Fri as WESTLEY said to call him and tell him we can't meet for a few more weeks due to a. Finances

and b. Travel next week

and the counselor heard loud and clear
c. AVIOIDANCE and DISCOMFORT at continuing this process SO HE TOLD ME

"I THINK IT REALLY IMPORTANT THAT YOU COME-- I NEVER TURN ANYONE AWAY BASED ON ABILITY TO PAY AND I THINK IT IMPORTANT YOU COME AS MODELING THAT THIS IS A PRIORITY"

So I went despite NOT HAVING A SITTER

(#1 Item on the agenda of issues to discuss!)

and discussed that a bit then talked about the legal case regarding Katerina and Soren

WHich frankly baffled the counselor as to its BIZARRENESS on a few counts. (HIS ACTUAL WORD)

Bizarre that the BUFFALO CT is ignoring the fact I AM THE CUSTODIAL PARENT and WESTELY is not a party

and ALSO BIZZARE ANd disturbing that WESTLEY HIMSELF IS SO EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY NON SUPPORTIVE of me and sees this situation as some sort of JUSTICE for his view of me overreacting. NOW the counselor AGREES and already worked with us on that issue of MINE Both he and the one we had in NY addressed MY NEED to move forward without REACTING to CURRENT STATUS QUO AS IF IT WERE THE MOMENT OF FIVE YEARS AGO... or rather reacting with EMOTION from the moment of five years ago.

WE all get that. Focus has been on MY ability to move forward without OVERREACTING

WHat is so ironic is the NY CONTINGENT has made me out to be UNDERREACTIVE AND A MINIMIZER WHICH THIS COUNSELOR, LIKE THE OTHER WAS GENUINELY PERPLEXED BY

THE REAL ISSUE WESTLEY AND I HAVE TO WORK ON IS HIS ABILITY TO NOW FORGIVE ME AND MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT HIS ATTEMPTS TO PUNISH ME FOR MY MISTAKES!

That's what he attempts to do by his witholding of financial support in this legal battle- both PUNISh and MANIPULATE the situation ! He is so obviously taking advantage of the opportunity to NOT have to take on the responsibility of my older kids with DELIGHT as he has had issues of RESENTMENT at feeling like all he has done has been taken for granted, unapprechiated and he feels like HE HAS BEEN USED. I understand his anger at my formerly irresponsible dead beat Dad EX HOWEVER the trasferrence of that anger to ME and to the kids is a HUGE PROBLEM

Albeit, not one that is at all UNUAL IN STEPFAMILIES

I STILL think the reason the NY COURT has gone to town with me is that I AM HONEST and ACKNOWLEDGE these are all issues UP FRONT!! (UNLIKE MOST PEOPLE!)

But the thing is I STILL AM SURE THAT ALL THAT SAID- THERE IS NO LEGAL REASON TO ORDER REMOVAL from my home! ALL THAT SAID, THERE ARE STILL POSITIVES THAT WESTELY HAS BROUGHT TO KATERINA AND SOREN! DESPITE HIS CONFLICTED FEELINGS HE TOO FEELS LOVE AND CONCERN AND HAS ACTED IN WHAT HE SEES AS THEIR INTEREST!

ALtHOUGH MISGUIDED I UNDERSTAND AND CAN APPRECHIATE AND STILL CELEBRATE THAT AND HIM THIS FATHER'S DAY.

And DO agree it is really SAD and unfair he has been demonized!

I understand his defensiveness and I understand his reaction of not wanting to be involved in this case which has been built really AGAINST HIM. Now lets hope we can get THOUGH this with him recognizing that although his FEELING are natural and understandable that they SHOULDN't BE the DOMINANT ones in his decision making regarding helping me or not financially with the legal case!

I am at the point where I will proceed and sadly have one last assest to move--- as I decided against selling MY CAR for a number of reasons.

Instead I have such a simple solution...

WOW THAT's A BEAUTIFUL RING!! "Is that two karets?"

I always answer YES even though its not REALLY TRUE..... FACT IS IT's A Bit heavier.... so I have been in the practice of being a little EVASIVE in response to questions regarding my engagement ring.

BUT you know NO ONE , and I mean NO ONE has EVER asked me the question

"IS THIS REAL?" OR SAID ..... "come on IT MUST be CUBIC ZARCONIA!!"

Hmmmm..... its a question I don't think ANYONE EVER WOULD ASK EITHER!! SO VERY TACKY....

So I figure at this point its been a question I have thought about myself for almost a year now. After a year of practice in my head I think I am READY to answer with a laugh at the seemingly inappropriateness and shock at the question... "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

My ring by the way has a crack in it right where it was sized. I have needed to bring it in for some time.
I am ready to get it fixed.

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