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2005-06-28 - 10:45 p.m.

WOW some light reading.....

This is one packed article which had some very interesting and shocking things in it. I was struck by the theory of connections between perinatal and prenatal use of Obstretical medicine and incidence of later drug use/abuse in adult life, as well as the connection between trama during delivery and violence later.

Of all my children, Katie is the only one with whom I had any difficulty during delivery. When she was born the idiot Dr. who was covering for the one night off that month of my REGULAR OB/GYN was actually ASLEEP in the lounge and unresponsive to the nurses imploring him to come break the water as I was almost fully dialated and feeling intense pain on my tailbone like READY to give birth and it seemed the sack of water was the only thing preventing the birth from happening. HE responded "She wants to go natural... let the water break naturally."

He had that arrogant passive agressive attitude and for two hours I had that intense pain. When he FINALLY came out of the lounge (after WESTELY went outside of it and told the nurse "GET HIM OUT or I WILL DO IT" and she responded quite pissed at the Dr "GO AHEAD" happy to send in irate DAD)... oops aside there.... as I was saying, When he FINALLY came out and broke the waters and the baby immediately emerged she had the cord wrapped around her neck. We have wondered ever since if that was being compressed during those final two hours of her pushing on the pelvic bones.... WE have wondered if she is our SPIRITED (AKA difficult and often somewhat agressive ) child due to some developmental problem that could have been caused then.

I DID formally complain to the hospital and followed the hospital procedures as well as wrote my OB/GYN to make him aware of the situation. However it would be so hard to ever really KNOW regarding cause and effect if that experience affected Katie... especially since WESTELY himself seems to have a very similar personality!! Her aggressiveness could be LEARNED behavior or genetic predisposition... But what is pretty clear is that had the Dr broken the water as the nurses wanted that Katie would have been born about two hours earlier and she did incur two additional hours of trama of pressure in the birth canal! (as well as me having that additional and unneccessary pain)

Westely and I both think it likely that the birth trama she experienced DID have some adverse affect on her. If her behaviour were LEARNED behaviour then we'd see the same thing in other kids as well- and we don't.

THE author of the paper cited above has just SO MUCH STUFF in his work that I wonder how he could REALLY have thorougly studied SO MANY THINGS in such great detail... its too divergent in some ways and could lead one to belive HOW CAN HE BE SUCH AN EXPERT IN SO MANY THINGS??? But despite that skepticism I found his article JUST FASCINATING and noted the discussion of birth trama as a (not sure what it the accurate word here: I have changed it a few times -) indicator, predictor, or factor in later incidence of violence.

His writing about maternal bonding was likewise fantastic! A GREAT reminder to me! Sadie used to be literally ATTACHED to me AT ALL TIMES. I used an infant carried and did all chores with her in my arms. My friends who visited marveled at my ability to yield both the baby and a vacume. I'd even COOK and would have to STOP myself thinking "OH yeah... I really SHOULD put the baby down when heating oil on the stove"

AS the family and house and my responsibilities grew, I guess by virtue also of the fact the girls COMPETE for my physical attention as to who is held, I realize I have become more and more comfortable with letting a baby cry out of the NECESSITY to get something done (like change a siblings diaper, get food prepared, clean dishes etc....) It scary how insidious GRADUAL change can be. I wasn't AWARE of this change, but I have evolved into the mom who RARELY picks up Alexy! REALLY and she seems just SO HAPPY to be watching everyone, or playing by herself. She is just SO CONTENT that it is easy to leave her while I do other things... AND THAT IS REALLY NOT GOOD FOR HER! SO this article was a GREAT BRICK to my head to make EFFORT to try to give her more attention that she needs!!

Thus a reason it would be SO GREAT to have an AU PAIR! I had thought I don't really NEED one. But I sould be open to that as an improvement for the better of the kids as they would get more attention! We are looking into that option for NEXT year which is when we could afford it. That all depends on how the legal custody case turns out. If Katerina and Soren come back to us then we won't have space to have a live in nanny, but if they don't that is my consulataion prize.

IT was a GREAT reminder to me to read the above article that I need to HOLD not only the baby MORE but also ALL the kids! I need to dig up that infant carrier and get back into the habit of using it. IT was also a nice reminder not to be LAZY about breastfeeding as now that Alexy is bigger (10 months) and can eat lots of table food chopped up, it is EASIER to give Alexy other food which doesn't require that I sit still!! (I always have stuff to do so have to consiously STOP the motion and RELAX and FEED HER to have that bonding time)

I know that I am not the most physically affectionate parent. Clearly my parents as wonderful as they are were, WERE NOT physically that demonstrative either. (VERY VICTORIAN)

I actually started reading the above article after looking at lots of articles about VIOLENCE and child rearing and basically reviewing again the reasons to NOT spank kids! I routinely do this and read all about REACTIVE ATTATCHMENT DISORDER as I worry about Soren who had such bad CHOLIC as a baby, then the trama of his DAD dropping out, me not being that physical in my expression of affection by nature (I have to WORK on that consiously) and his clear need for TOUCH. The fact he acts so indifferent to not seeing me, and yet was so clingy and needy when with me, and his old behaviors we saw alot of improvement on over the years of lying, and the one instance of stealing money from his DAD has made me worry about that and read about that every once in a while.

I also had been reading about NARCISSIC PERSONALITY Disorder as I am SURE to have a few people in my life who exhibit that! What is scary is that this personality type is the one that has the actual term PSYCOPATH associated with it at times!

Oh- and I realized something as well. The NARCISSIC personality often doesn't recall dreams, and likes to identify with FAMOUS people. I realize that the REPORT of the Psycologist who did the Psycological testing of ME was exploring that possibility for ME!! ITS SO FUNNY TO SEE WHAT THEY HAD BEEN TRYING TO GET AT.... I recall her BIZARRE comments about WESTELY "OH HE'S FAMOUS!" at which she clapped her hands as if excited.

I thought she was being VERY STRANGE but actually just IGNORED it... so she got a FLAT response from me (IF I'm lucky my facial expression wasn't so controlled and my thinking she was a wacko to say that came through somehow!) Apparently a NARCISSIC personality would have eaten that up.... and really had the grandious illusion of themself... IN any case I know she was bothered by me not answering the questions regarding DREAMS other than saying "I don't dream" INSTINCTIVELY as I REALLY HADN'T CONSIOUSLY recalled any dreams FOR A LONG TIME. In fact that answer BOTHERED me after the assessment because I KNOW its not exactly ACCURATE-- but you are suppossed to put down your gut instinctive response, so I DID THAT. And my gut instinct was to leave blank ALL OTHER questions about dreams as I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW! I had no recent memory of dreams as reference... and my memory REALLY DOES SUCK. After that assessment I actually DWELLED on that a bit TOO! IT BOTHERED ME! I dug up an OLD dream journal that I was given as a gift one year that I write in when I have a dream I remember (which happens literally a few times a year at most!) I re-read it and found it to be fascinating! And then shortly thereafter I had the coolest dream about the tutle! I have been wearing a turquise turtle neclace which was made by a native american women that Westley bought for me early on in our relationship at FT ERIE Canada. On Saturdays when I was working at AUTISTIC SERVICES with one of the guys there who really just needed encouragement to get out in the world and wanted SO MUCH to socialize with people who were not in his circle of AUTISIC guys he'd been in programs with his whole life, Westely would meet us and we'd all go out. The guy I worked with LOVED it! (AS did my supervisor!) HE was so enriched by his friendship with WESTELY -- a guy he felt was a NORMAL person and didn't feel like was labeled! I thought it VERY sweet that Westely would meet us out ! We took this guy all sorts of cool places! HE was always so thrilled to be treated like an adult and be allowed to order a beer and kick back and relax! That one Sat we went to see Niagara Falls and enjoyed the Indiginous Art and jewelry and street musicians. After hearing the turtle is a symbol of new life in the native american tradition I thought my turtle dream neat (especially as it also picked up on my flaw of being stubborn and unwilling to accept help!) - so I dug it out to wear and have had it on ever since.

I also read about HISTORIONIC PERSONALITY I am sure a know A FEW of those!

So it was a night of arrogantly reading about diagnosis as I am so sure I can pinpoint people's issues ( HA HA.... being facitious there....still going with the "Arrogance" thing.)HA HA

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