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2005-07-30 - 6:24 p.m.

Soren just called and told me about his preformance. He is of course disappointed I couldn't come. He said they got two tapes of the show, one for me and one for them. That's really nice!

Westley and I spent the day going over bills and taking care of cleaning the electronic air filters on the heating system we are indebted because of! IN his defense he pointed out that he is thinking LONG term and he encouraged me to not be so upset and to not think only short term of the ONE EVENT. After all the bills due there is in fact $8.15 left this week! And the debt on AMEX is now $12000!!! Finance charges and living expenses: insurance bills due, a wopping utlitly bill as the service techs in VA decided to TEST the air consditioning they fixed after the lightning fried it by setting it to 68 degrees then LEFT IT ON.

So the VA house was cooled constantly the whole month NO ONE WAS THERE at a hidden cost we were not prepared for.

Heck when we turn the air on we set it to 76 for energy efficiency-- and we are used to and comfortable with that.

So Westely really did have a compelling argument that he is not trying to be CONTROLLING and not trying to thwart my relationship with Soren and Katerina. He pointed out he in fact BOUGHT THIS HOUSE and things are so strapped as we both expected this TO FACILITATE time with them. Neither of us had the foresight THEY WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED here! We EXPECTED to be able to go pick them up for AT LEAST one whole month this summer when we bought this place last JAN!

We also thought at the time it WAS WORTH the extending of ourselves SO THAT we could all be here together and so that I could see the kids more. He encouraged me to think LONG TERM how even though in the short term this hasn't worked out as we expected in the long run it was STILL LIKELY the thing to do.

Alexy is nursing as I type. She STILL won't eat or drink ANYTHING ELSE. I think she may in fact have a sore throat - but she's been very resistant to letting me peek in that far! I have to dig up the tongue depressor when she is asleep and take a peek. She has been restless and irritable all day.Her fever however seems to be staying down for longer periods as I last gave her Motrin at 9am this morn and she is not yet over 101
I always let the kids run a temp up to 101 before medicating as the point of a temp IS IN FACT to get hot enough to kill the invading creatures! It is true that there are benefits to letting the body do its intended work of fighting infection. I am SO PLEASED to have had Drs tell us this over and over! After the hypocondriac experience of my EX MOTHER IN LAW who would freak out and have the kids at the ER for every cold, and who was so critical when I DIDN't Want to take them in for every sickness, I do have a bit of defensiveness about my tendency to NOT seek medical care! The fact I was rather extensively trained then ran a group home for high medical needs population and have that HEALTH CARE human services background and training has a bit to do with my capability and USUAL confidence in handling typical childhood illness.
my confidence has been a bit shaken by the RECENT scrutiny and criticism and labeling of me as a MINIMIZER. So I felt so VINDICATED when I picked up BABYTALK Magazine and they have a current article on guideliness to follow when infants are sick. Lo and Behold there in the mainstream publication is says WHEN TO CALL THE DR-- when a child's temp is over 103 degrees. That's basically been my criteria all along!

Anyway, since Alexy seems to be keeping her fever more stable and it is not running quite as high today as yeasterday, Westely was supportive of considering me taking a bus to Buffalo. He estimated the gas to drive was just too much right now. Unfortunately the bus would be $71 round trip. Also too steep at this time, especially considering Alexy as well.

He said to look at the train but I think they too will be steep. But I'll check it out just in case its feasible and Alexy is better in the AM (Though I doubt she'll be well yet. I am guessing we are in for a whole 10-14 day viral illness. But maybe her hiatis of bottles and cups will end?)

Really though the baby does deserve to have me here to comfort here. She is just feeling yucky and right now she really does need me more than Soren in this moment. And as Westley said "THINK LONG TERM"

HE is totally supportive of me working! He actually said to check out the prices of the train and bus to see if fares are cheaper if you book AHEAD of time. So he is making efforts to be supportive in the ways HE IS COMFORTABLE WITH.

If he were not ALWAYS such a overall MISER and SCROOGE I would be just LIVID at his unwillingness to allow me to go on CREDIT to Buffalo. But consiering his consistency of his values of where to spend money I DO REALIZE that the way he acts is not REALLY an attempt to control ME. It just FEELS like that when I am in a position of POWERLESSNESS. Its not like he will just CHANGE all his values and be able to put another filter through which to view the world overnight. He has gradually grown to see some things differently. But he still predominantly looks at the world and his decisions through that ECONOMIC MICROSOFT MONEY filter!! And based on that it is a LONG TERM INVESTMENT to live house poor and put money only into CAPITAL investments of this NY house such that when we sell it in five years we realize the gain then get to sink that into the VA house.

So I DO regognize that his limitations and challenges that make him a pain in the ass and a jerk at times are NOT ABOUT ME. His behavior that seems to be so controlling, is really not designed to affect me-- IT DOES AFFECT ME, but HE WOULD ACT THE SAME REGARDLESS OF ME. His limitations are those he had BEFORE me and he will likely always struggle with. So the thing for me to do IS TO NOT ALLOW them to BECOME MINE! The thing for me to do is to TRY TO HELP him overcome them rather than let his personal limitations be limiting to me!

So he gives his already understood views, and I remind him over and over that one day he could end up with all the kids grown and having missed out on all the FUN as it wasn't IMPORTANT. I remind him they are each only young once. I remind him that it will be lovely to have that finished DREAM HOME but it will be awfully LONELY to be in it ALONE if relationships and what OTHER people value haven't ALSO been invested in! And I think of the advice of my friend DAN to just SCHEDULE FUN TIME into Westley's calendar. His advice was to DO IT AHEAD of time. When I think of the times Westley HAS been social and FUN it has been when he or WE had friends THAT INITIATED. So I recognize I just need to be more Assertive in initiating The things I WANT AHEAD OF TIME- whether for me personally or fur us as a couple or for the kids or us all as a family. I need to take the inititive to plan fun time for WESTELY As well and he will likely enjoy it-- but if left alone he's just never do it!

But as for me, as for now, I feel like my decisions have been wise for the good of ALL OF US. I feel like I haven't been short sighted but look to the long term- which is WHY I AM STILL HERE and haven't impetuously left!

I hope that Alexy does get well soon! I hope she at least starts to take the bottle again. I have to go pick her up from the swing I tried to settle her after she fell asleep nursin in as she just awoke crying.

I am looking forward to a job in retail at $8.50 per hour! SO STRANGE! But at this point IT WILL be a break from the rountine I have been in and will be an opportuinty to meet other people in the community. And it will give me a little bit of greater personal freedom. NOt much- but enough at this time to attain my own personal goals which are currently NOT it the microsoft money family plan! (And to be honest WESTELY NEVER DID fit in an ENTERTAINMENT budget! Crazy as that WAS I never objected before as even with only a few jobs a year, at approximately $100 per hour for legal work I was more than happy with my take home! HERE IN NY there are ample Immigration LAWYERS, unlike VA so it is a MUCH harder market for me to be of value in!

I will also continue to seek out other more profitable work- but this at least will be immediate and ATTAINTABLE and will indeed meet my needs.

So I am sad to be missing Soren's show, but perhaps in the end this weekend will have been a postive one which has been a catalyst for healthy change.

And once again I change only the things I CAN. That would be ME! I vow to not be so dependent. I vow to not be in the situation where I CAN EVEN FEEL like I am controlled by anything or anyone other than my OWN chosen responsibilities and chosen relationships in life. ANd I Vow to do all I can to facilitate and be there FOR ALL THOSE that I love. NOt just SOME. That means giving and taking-- and that means managing my resources so all get some attention from me. That means managing my time and availability by taking some of it and claiming it FOR ME and being insistent on the remainder to be FAIRLY SHARED with all others.

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