2005-07-30 - 1:52 p.m.

The baby is sick. She has been since Thu afternoon (or maybe EARLIER?). It was Thu evening when Westley came home from work and noticed she had a temperature. She had just woken up from an exceptionally long nap. (NO wonder she slept most of that day!)

I had noticed she was tired but she hadn't been running a temp early that afternoon when I gave her a bath before her extended final nap of the day.(I surely would have noticed!)

I had been so happy on Thu afternoon chatting on the phone with the older kids and anticipating that I would see them SAT. Then the baby got sick and I was worried about not being able to go. I was worried that Westely was going to be jerk about me wanting to go .

I didn't make to to Buffalo this morn. I was very upset by this- as I hoped to leave her in Westley's care and STILL go despite her being ill. She however was up much of the night EXTREMELY fussy and since yesterday morning REFUSED to drink anything other than to nurse from me! Thu night when she was FIRST ILL I happened to HAVE A CHEST PAIN. I very rarely will have one, and since heart problems DO run in my family, and I have a murmer, I took an ASPRIN immediately and relaxed. THen I DID NOT BREASTFEED due to Reyes syndrome risks for children. Instead Thu night and Fri morning I ONLY gave (what the hell is her psudo name.... ) the baby bottles and didn't nurse her as I typically do morning and night! Those are the two times of day she DOES religiously nurse: at bedtime, and in the night if she wakes up, and then upon waking in the morning.
So I instead expressed my milk and waited until I knew the asprin couldn't possibly still be in it- and then nursed her again yesterday afternoon. SHE HAS SINCED REFUSED ALL OTHER drinks I BELIEVE IN PROTEST at my lack of nursing her for that day!

The irony is that I was SO WORRIED about being able to get to see SOREN's show that I think THAT Gave me the stress that resulted in the chest pain. It makes me literally sick to not be able to see he and Katerina.

So the EMOTIONAL abuse caught up with me RIGHT?

I SHOULDN't HAVE had to WORRY At all about whether WESTELY would support me heading off to Buffalo for one day. That in itself is fucked up. Then I was more upset as with the baby ALEXY (AH HA I Recall her fake name!) sick there was a LEGITIMATE reason I REALLY can't go and in some ways that makes it worse as then it can be the REASONABLE excuse for Westley not being supportive. It doesn't matter though as I KNOW he was going to be difficult ANYWAY.

Before the baby refused the bottles or drinks from cups AS ANTICIPATED WESTELY did let me down emotionally by COMPLAINING of the cost of gas money. HE WAS NOT supportive of me bringing the other girls with me to see the show. HE was again a JERK about it. HE thinks this is not being a jerk but a responsible choice based on FINANCES.

I think that is CRAP and indeed this is an example of EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

I have been hopeful and happy that he has indeed stopped VERBAL and PHYSICAL ABUSE. I am saddened when he still occassionally employs these emotionally abusive control tactics.

ITs most sad I think he truly DOES NOT RECOGNIZE This yet. I am still willing to KEEP talking about it and hoping he will identify and improve in this area too.

I don't shirk this issue with him.

We watched CHILDREN of a LESSER GOD last night and had a great conversation about the relationship of the movie-- and US and whether the guy in the movie WANTED the girl to be in a position of RELIANCE on him and WHY.

So this morning I went out to get more INFANT TYLENOL for Alexy.

There outside the store was a beckoning SIGN "HIRING OVERNIGHT HELP"

I filled out an application, had two interviews, and on Monday morning go get my urine tested to being a part time night shift a few nights a week at TARGET

I CAN't be in a position where I don't have gas money to go to BUFFALO when I want to!

They will likely start me at my new job THIS WEEK.

I never thought I would be SO EXCITED to take a job in RETAIL. But heck... Its CLOSE TO HOME, has HOURS I CAN MANAGE, and I don't need A HUGE INCOME, just enought for some "discretionary" spending on things of value to ME and all the kids that Westley doesn't think are priority when we have differences of opinion.

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