2005-08-01 - 9:40 a.m.

The baby Alexy is thankfully well again. She was fine all day yesterday and started to eat normally!

I was expecting her illness to be longer- so the fact it lasted only a few days is indeed a relief.

She is really almost about to emerge out of babyhood. She is walking - really toddling about now. She still sits and crawls often, but just as often takes off walking. She is getting used to her new shoes as something other than to teeth on.

This morning when she awoke I DID NOT go to get her right away but hoped she would fall back asleep. SHE DID! I am preparing for the night shift! She typically will awake around 6:30 or so. Westely was worried that she's awake in the middle of the night or in the early AM and will be inconsolable if she can't nurse so he encouraged me to wean her as I go back to work. I told him I see no need to as it is RECOMMENDED by all the major health organizations to nurse through the 2nd year of life AT LEAST. The fact most women in the US DON'T do so is because in our culture now most women HAVE TO WORK, or choose to and it makes it difficult. Its just not the mainstream thing to do. But as she nurses primarily moring and night (and typically only then each day), and she goes to sleep around 8 or 9pm and wakes around 6:30-- I see no reason TO STOP NURSING as I will be working 10:30pm to 6am!

My working should affect neither ALEXY nor WESTLEY!

He is nervous about having to pick up some of the parenting responsibility when I am gone. He'll get over the big fear that he just might have to care for the kids a little! HE actually DOES his fair share of that when here. So I am surprised by his fear! But I guess that is normal.He's afraid of sleepless nights.

But as Alexy IS SLEEPING through the night, I told him IF HE WOULD JUST LEAVE HER ALONE IF SHE WAKES AND FUSSES for a moment SHE WILL SETTLE HERSELF BACK TO SLEEP.

So I demonstrated that this morning. She fussed for all of five minutes tops and then fell back asleep. I awoke at 7am and came down to do last nights dishes that were in the sink as I was just DRAINED after the sleep interrupted nights when she was sick and fussy. I listened to NPR and cleaned up. At around 7:45 Raitlin woke and she and I had cereal and I got her ready to play in the backyard where I WATCHED her like a hawk! I realized after thwarting her efforts that she HAD NOT escaped from the yard the other day-- I confirmed SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO OPEN THE GATE!! WHEEWW!!! THANK GOD. So I CAN STILL SEND HER OUT BACK Where I can supervised with all the large windows while I clean up. The other day she must have just slipped by me and walked THROUGH the house and out the other door the day she took her walk herself in impatience of waiting for the rest of us to be ready!

Alexy awoke at some point upstairs and quietly PLAYED! Around 8:30 I actually retrieved her from the crib where she was happily playing and cooed back and forth with Katie.

I got the official call of the job offer this morning about a half hour ago. So off to get ready to run errands today: Drop off the mortgage payments at the bank, mail out the mail, go to the lab for the drug testing for TARGET. But before I head out I have to find and hope to take care of two other things today as well.

Here's that list-- THE THINGS I NEED TO DO BUT HAVE LOST (YES another ADD moment!) .... Hmmmm Maybe that title deserves its on entry. I could add things to this list weekly, if not daily:

1. Registration Form for Sadie's school
2. Prescription for LEAD TESTING for Raitlin

CLUE IN WHERE TO LOOK- I HAD BOTH OF THESE ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO WHEN TAKING RAITLIN FOR HER PHYSICAL.

Regarding #1 I THOUGHT I was so efficient getting Sadie in ASAP for her school physical! Then the quagmire of the insane overly anal medical office manager occurred... and we had to switch Drs ! I FINALLY got Sadie in and she happened to FAIL the hearing test. So the Dr. Filled out the forms but wrote RE-DO for the hearing test. She said maybe Sadie was distracted by the numerous siblings interrupting the test, or maybe she didn't understand what to do. So it WAS successfully RE-DONE two weeks ago when we went in for RAITLIN's physical. I however brought the forms with me and FORGOT to ask the Dr. to notated the result on the form.

2. Got the prescription for lead testing. FORGOT to ask what lab the office recommended going to. MEANT to follow up and call to inquire. Kept forgetting to do this. I EVEN LEFT the prescription in a place in the CAR thinking I would know EXACTLY WHERE IT WAS and it was less likely to get lost there than in my messy DESK or the black hole of my file cabinet. Its gone. I checked this AM. EIther it is now someone's ARTWORK with a lovely drawing on the back, or HELPFUL WESTELY cleaned out the car WHICH I HATE AND HE ALWAYS DOES!!

REASON'S I HATE IT: Its ostensibly MY CAR TO USE. YES HE EVEN CALLS IT "MOMMY's car" yet has the inability to cut off his obsession with cleaning at its door. HE CAN do so at my desk thank god. BUT secretly I would likely find it helpful if he's be so imposing as to clean my desk for me yet I find it disturbing when I can't find the sunsreen or the extra kids clothes that I INTENTIONALLY left in the car as he CLEANED UP AND PUT THEM AWAY! The fact however that this is NOT THE VOLVO which is SOLELY TITLED in my name (therefore he won't touch it without permission and I think would even leave a moldy PB and J if there were such a thing there....) , but this is the BIG BOAT of a GMC officially a truck, SUV type family vehicle that HE HOLDS TITLE to gives him the right to be a neat freak. (OH I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT TRECK OUT TO WEST VA WHEN IT WAS BOUGHT WHEN THAT OFFER WAS MADE..... IF ONLY I KNEW OF THE IMPLICATION OF SUNSCREEN CONSTANTLY BEING TAKEN OUT!)

And to be fair I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO BITCH TO WESTLY ABOUT THIS. HE IS UNAWARE of the annoyance-- why BECAUSE I JUST PLAIN FORGET about stuff when it is out of my spere of the present moment. And also, clothes seemingly thrown randomly about it the back of the car don't LOOK like an intentional system of having back up emergency atire for the kids! (They were in a bag once-- but Raitlin go into them. Its that missing bag!)

THAt in a way is the JOY Of ADD! Its hidden blessing. I just realized that could be the key to my uncanny happiness! Raitlin so clearly shares my temperment, and my attention issues and she is ALWAYS SO HAPPY! Infuriatingly happy to Westly who thinks she HAS NO CAPACITY to really learn from discipline as she seems to never remember the consequences of negative behavior! She therefore continues to do the SAME THINGS over and over -- much like me, despite correction!

Hmmmm.... Am I onto something in my rambling brainstorming? ARE WE ADD folks plain HAPPIER ? Interesting that my brother the bank manager is ALSO one told me he thinks he too struggles with attention issues! I in fact recall my mom being defensive about some teacher always being upset with him, and her saying "I think there is nothing wrong with him but that he is always BURSTING WITH HAPPINESS and can't contain it"
Ok- mom you may have been onto something, but that was also a fine example of DENIAL! But the point here is THAT HAPPY GENE. IT might go hand in hand with LACK OF ATTENTION TO DETAILS. Maybe its the DETAILS in life that are a great source of discontent for people! If you just DON'T GIVE A SHIT About details there is a hell of a lot LESS to worry about !

Can people with shitty memories be HAPPIER as they don't hold onto resentment. Its hard to hold onto resentment when you can't remember what the hell an argument was about out a few minutes later. But it is so clear how utterly ANNOYING AND FRUSTRATING that HAS TO BE for the person interacting with someone like me who then feels like their concerns are not seriously LISTENED to. I can understatand that!

But the thing is that with consious effort and INTENTIONAL THOUGHT I can then recall and back track and remember things. But it takes WORK and conscious effort.

So off to my work this morning of

1.FINDING THE SCHOOL PAPERWORK
2. FINDING THE PRESCRIPTION FOR ROUTINE LEAD TESTING
3. Getting to the BANK-PAY MORTGAGES
4. Getting to the POST OFFICE
5. PICKING UP paperwork at TARGET
6. Going to achieve both the DRUG TESTING FOR WORK, and the LEAD TESTING for Raitlin AT THE SAME TIME. (It turns out there is this large medical center which is close to both TARGET and the DR. that I hadn't really THOUGHT ABOUT being there. I DID see it once when looking for the Dr. office. I AM NOW SURE that is a lab the office uses! Target has referred me there.)

I think I will start by LOOKING FOR the MISPLACED Diaper bag I used the day of Raitlin's physical. I haven't used that bag in weeks and I am SURE the paperwork is still tucked in the side where it was forgotten about that day!

Then I will CLEAN OUT THE CAR in search for what can be found there.(Although I think that it is likely already cleaned out which is the ironic source of me not finding the stuff I NEED!)

IF ALL ELSE FAILS THEN I WILL HAVE TO UNDERTAKE THE DREADED TASK OF CLEANING MY DESK!

Avoiding that is a great reason for procrastinating writing this AM! IT IS DAUNTING!

The desk however is the most likely place to find stuff I have misplaced elsewhere that WESTLEY has picked up put on my desk. HE routinely does that.

So as I begin the FIND IT GAME I am reminded of Westley's newly developed sense of humor. HIS SENSE Of humor has not been the strongest characteristic of him. It has in fact in the past been dry and sarcastic and DARK. YOu know I LIKE THAT! I love wit, and quick funny criticism. But there is something about one who is ONLY humorous in that manner. ITs the mark of an unhappy CYNIC who really looks at the world from a pessimistic view. So although I APPRECHIATE that to an extent, when overdone it can be SAD to see one who really is just UNHAPPY and has to look for the flaws in everything. So I think its a positve change that WESTLY is clearly using humor in an intentionally DIFFERENT manner in which he used to. He laughs at himself, and when annoyed by some of my less easy to tolerate traits he is now JOKING About them! I think it makes it more tolerable for him. He's learned this new skill of EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION about things that BOTHER HIM that I do- without being critcal or putting me down, without yelling, without taking my actions personally- but by using HUMOR.

My favorite is his joke of the
FIND IT GAME.

When getting ready for work he jokes (SADLY A FEW TIMES A WEEK!) "Time for the game of FIND THE FRYING PAN"

"WHERE IS IT HIDDEN TODAY?"

and as he goes around seeking it he really DOES seem to SEE THE HUMOR in this -- something which USED to just IRK HIM. He really seems less aggrevated. AND I REALLY HEAR the CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM in a non defensive way.

HEY OTHER THING FOR ME TO DO TODAY: FIGURE OUT A PLACE TO PUT THE FRYING PAN CONSISTENTLY , and MAKE CONSIOUS EFFORT TO DO THIS ! Putting this in writing HELPS ME! It brings it to a different level of my consiousness.

I hope it helps me also to stay on TASK today as I hit my list!

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