2005-08-12 - 5:56 a.m.

I am up early this morning as we are getting ready to head to Va for about a week. I will drive back up in time for the training at TARGET which I think is the THU the week of the 18th.

I have to call the HR person back as she left a message when I was in Buffalo.

It was so wonderful to stay with Rosita and see her amazing progress on her physical fitness goal. TO Date she has lost 40 lbs since starting. (I am not sure EXACTLY when that start time was) This time I could visibly tell her physical difference and she indeed looks stunning. (Although the strange irony is that she is AS STUNNING and AS BEAUTIFUL when heavier-- but she does FEEL more confident now and her enhanced self esteem does wonders for her!)

She hasn't yet been called back for the next step by the FBI screening. Then call the applicants who made it thorough the written tests as needed. She however has made it through each screening thus far and I think is now only about 10 lbs over the weight requirement! I recall her saying she had to lose 50 lbs to meet their criteria! I am so proud of how she has been achieving that goal! She was worried at first that after passing the physical test they might by some anomoly call her TOO SOON, but now is relieved for the typical wait before that step. I think they may intentionally do that as well as then only people who are SO COMMITTED to that as a career choice CONSISTENTLY end up getting hired. The lengthy process alone would eliminate many people I'd bet.

I am so fortunate to have amazing friends. I also was happy to meet my JD/MSW friend and her daughter for dinner. The kids had a blast playing together as Soren, Katerina, Raitlin and the baby Alexy were all there. Rosita is so amazing that she allows me full use of her place when I am in town- even with the extention of invitations of my OTHER friends to come see me there while I am at her place! So the night Rosita was working her 1-9pk shift as a Counselor was the night I invited my other friend and daughter over for dinner. It just turned out that was when she was available, and it was hot out, and both of us don't have $ to go out to eat now, so it was SO NICE to be able to relax and make dinner at Rosita's place.

I told Rosita that once I am working I will send her my due rent! She laughed! But I was serious-- I said if she figured it out in the aggregate I have likely spent the equivalent of a whole month there this year. She is so generous when we are there! She throws laundry in and picks up some of ours (although this time I averted that and threw it in a bag to take home!) She is constantly insistant on not letting me do all the dishes and clean up the normal messes of the little ones and she intentionally tries to give me a hand and a break at times while there.

And she is so amazing that while she has been this incredible support to me SHE ACTS like I AM DOING HER A FAVOR each time I come! She is grateful to have had the company and our late night cups of tea where she hashed out her issues with the ending of her 12 year relationship! IT was truly helpful to have my emotional support and encouragement as she let go and went through that natural grieving process. (Although she STILL talks to him.... yes she KNOWS she needs a good brick to her head.... But they have actually so far been good about shifting to that platonic friendship, and maybe they are indeed the rare anomoly of people strong enough to do that!)

Rosita is also in a new relationship, and has been for some months now. This guy is SO GOOD to her, and she is learning to allow someone to make her a priority and treat her exceptionally well.

She told me a small anecdote of something simple. It is such a small moment but I think SIGNIFICANT ,as this is an example of WHAT ANYONE SHOULD EXPECT in a relationship, and yet Rosita and I and many other women would be just SO SURPRISED if anyone treated them this way because many of us fundamentally have FORGOTTEN what NORMAL HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE! AND SOME OF US NEVER EXPERIENCED THEM BEFORE.

SO I THINK IT BEARS TELLING AS THE EXAMPLE OF WHAT INDEED IS THE TYPE OF COMMUNICATION TO STRIVE FOR.

One morning, after I had left to pick up Soren and spend the morning out with him, Rosita was home finishing some paperwork and then cleaning up before meeting her boyfriend at 10:00 AM

She was running late so called him and apologized and said she'd be there by 10:30

HE curtly said "Or how about 11:00 or 11:15"
She took him as being sarcastic and told him that the manner in which he made that comment made her feel really hurt, and that she had a busy morning with a house full of guests, and that he didn't know what she has been doing all morning and she doesn't apprechiat his flippant sarcasm.

In telling me she indicated she basically went off on him immediately, and that she believes SHE OVERREACTED.

IN response, he responded "I am really sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way- Just take your time. Its OK whenever you get her."

When she arrived he had walked down to the store down the block and he was stolling back with flowers and told her he as he handed them to her "I get the sense you had a bit of a rough morning and hoped these would cheer you up."

When she came home from work that night with her flowers she was just struck by how incredibly HEALTHY her new boyfriend is! She is very lucky to have met him and is ADJUSTING to a relationship with someone who has such an incredible ability to listen and respond EVEN IF SHE IS THE ONE WHO IS PERHAPS WRONG IN THE MOMENT, and who takes ownership of himself without defensiveness, is open to criticism without feeling threatened, and who nurtures and really CARES and genuinely makes her well being a priority!

IT seems like such a SMALL thing to me that he apologized for, yet in the end its the aggregate of those SMALL moments which are what make or break a relationship. Likewise if ever moment of disrespect is seen as just a small thing and is disregarded, then patterns of ACCEPTING such disrespect can become THE NORM. I noted that what struck me was Rosita's ability to not attack her boyfriends response, but to frame her expression of discontent in terms of how SHE FELT and in terms of WHAT SHE NEEDED-- although in her case by saying what she didn't need, as she didn't need the sarcasm, but the point was still pretty clear that she was asking for SUPPORT in the moment of her being stressed about getting her things done and being on time to meet him rather than Criticism.

ITs also a pretty neat thing to know that because it is the aggregate that makes the relationship, that once an individual consiously pays more attention to small moments, that the NORM can gradually SHIFT from a poor or even downright toxic relationship to one of health.

In my marriage I have seen that shift. Rosita's small story was a great reminder to contine to be consious in those small moments of my life.

And it also made me SO THRILLED for her that she INDEED has met a wonderful man!

�

�