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2005-08-18 - 3:34 p.m.

Some insight into why my veracity is at times questioned:

Westley actually was very helpful in recognizing this point and in editing old entrys to ENSURE I didn't slip up and actually mention REAL names of my EX or my spouse, I noticed EXACTLY what he meant.
WESTLEY told me that he has noted that when I tell a story, or write, that I ofter interchange LITTLE DETAILS. FOR EXAMPLE I just edited an entry and noticed that I interchangably used either Psychiatrist of Psycologist for the court ordered EXPERT witness in the custody battle. I DO THIS WITHOUT NOTICING it at the time, as I honestly COSTANTLY FORGET which she was. To me its an unimportant detail that requires CONSIOUS EFFORT to recall and rememeber. WITH EFFORT I REMEMBER SHE IS IN FACT A PSYCOLOGIST and then can FOCUS ON THAT to be consistent in my telling of a story. I in fact went back and corrected every inaccuracy in my writing. BUT TO BE ACCURATE takes FOCUS and ATTENTION TO DETAL that I DO NOT NATURALLY HAVE.

WESTELY POINTED THIS OUT TO ME VERY GENTLY the other day in response to my question of HOW COULD SOMEONE think I LIED?

He said HE THINKS it is likely an artifact of what he thinks is a learning disability of some sort. (MAybe ADD, maybe something else in conjuncion or some processing problem completely ancillary to ADD)

I think it is a fascinating observation that he TRIED to make long ago, but I wasn't quite open to listening to him regarding it then.

When I re-read anything I write IT IRRITATES ME HOW HORRIBLE my spelling is, and how INCONSISTENT I AM WITH DETAILS. Those problems DRIVE ME CRAZY when I look at my journal writing. When working on any other type of writing I GO BACK AND EDIT, but I tend to NOT DO that in regard to journaling-- which is written for my emotional release and then usually only looked at by me WAY IN THE FUTURE when I want to gauge where I have been in the past in relation to how far I have come to be at the present moment!

I am re-reading my journal to ensure no slip ups of revealing identity of OTHERS (and also to protect any reference to ACTUAL IDENTITY of ME! based on thinking about the one friend who I know actually READS this as a means of keeping up to date advising me to think about whether this should be out here in cyberspace.... A WISE question that I do think merits thought. So I am trying to pay attention to details. It makes me take note of the OTHER issue of INCONSISTENCY.... and the Ridiculous way I spell the same word multiple HORRIFYING WAYS that irk me TO READ that makes me think of the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS symptoms of learning disability. But moreso than that, it was also an insight to try to be objective in looking at myself and to see How someone COULD Look at such inconsistency of detail which is the earmark of horrifying memory (and exhibited far beyond spelling!) that could indeed lead one to question my truthfullness!
I read stuff and think "I WROTE THAT? THAT's THE WRONG WORD- THAT's NOT WHAT I MEANT." and I wonder how many times it HAPPENS that I SAY something other than what I mean! I know WESTELY has pointed out when I do that VERBALLY. AT times right afterwards I THEN HAVE the awareness of some strange brain misfire when I SWEAR I THOUGH ONE THING BUT SAID ANOTHER. AS FAR AS HE AND I GO, we are at the point where HE GENERALLY UNDERSANDS WHAT I MEANT. ANd WE are at the point where HE ACCEPTS MY MEANING without being critical, or judgementally correcting, and at the point where he can gently tell me FOR MY AWARENESS of what I said. And it really is fascinating.
I have a few other quirky habits such as MISPROUNOUNCING WORDS all the time. I actually recall a GREAT AUNT who would do that ALL THE TIME completely unaware. GOD AM I LIKE AUNT FRANNY who was NOTORIOUS FOR BEING FUNNY WHEN SHE DIDN"T EVEN KNOW IT? SHE WAS MY GREAT AUNT AND for generations the funny stories of things she said were circulated!
I also have a habit Of MISUSING WORDS. NOt actually INACCURATE use of the MEANING OF THE WORD, but some TEXTBOOK use based on its OED defination which isn't COMMONLY used, or maybe never before used, but not really ILLOGICAL. The best example was a paper entitled "THE REGURGITATING ECHO" about the repetition and recurrance and use of echos in A TALE OF TWO CITIES over and over again, in that bouncing back fashion. My Professor commented maybe "REGURGITATING" wasn't the best word choice. At the time I hadn't realized AT ALL that it was a FUNNY and STRANGE WORD to use, as I only thought of the LITERAL SENSE, in a sense had a TEXTBOOK knowledge of its meaning without a sense of its TYPICAL use. MAYBE my knowledge of how funny that was is now acquired after years working in group homes and having children where the COMMON use of the word had become part of my consiousness! Westely says that at times I TALK or WRITE as if I am someone who is well read but NEVER HAS BEEN OUT OF A BOOK, like I have no sense of that ACTUAL USE of a word, but my knowledge is from HAVING READ so extensively. In some ways it is an accurate picture of what I DID AS A CHILD. I was like Katerina in my passion for reading, am my parents DIDN't KEEP in in check and encourage socialization at all!

In any case, the insight is helpful I THINK.

One of these days I will enjoy actually IDENTIFYING what it is that distinguishes my brain from the norm. I definately have SOME PROCESSING issue. It is likly the same type of thing SOREN also struggles with.

Until then, at least the insight makes me undersand and not feel SO DEFENSIVE at having been thought to be DISHONEST in the whole trial process.

It makes me more forgiving to have some understanding of how that can be perceived.

And GOD my rambling is a chore to read!!(AT LEAST FOR ME! I can't spell or be consistent for detail when talking/ writing.... but it sure IRKS ME TO READ the inconsistencys! IRONIC!)

PS: I JUST DID IT AGAIN! I REREAD THE FIRST LINE OF THIS ENTRY AND IT SAYS SOMETHING I DID NOT INTEND TO CONVEY! IT SAYS "WESTLEY WAS HELPFUL IN Recognizing this point AND in EDITING".... MEANT TO SAY TWO seperate thoughts: 1. Westely was helpful in recognizing this point AND 2. This point, that I am INCONSISTENT and often misrepresent WHAT I AM TRYING to SAY, WAS HELPFUL FOR ME TO KNOW AND TAKE NOTE OF WHEN EDITING MY WRITING for corrections to ensure ACCURACY! In some ways it is BETTER for me TO NOT edit my writing as I go, as then I can be MOST aware of my diffiuclty.... SEE I STOPPED from editing." When I stop from EDITING AT ALL then ir becomes glaringly obviioye that I am a JOEFFIC TUYost a nd the I often GIL letteys.... " TO TRANSLATE: WHen I stop from Editing at all then it becomes glaringly obvious that I am a HORRIFFIC typist, and that I FLIP LETTERS ALL THE TIME. I typically EDIT MANY of those letter flipping moments, When I didn't correct as above I see I wrote DIFFIUCLTY which is HARD to intentionally do - but easy for me to unintentionally do. I usually correct the errors when I notice them (although don't RE READ to edit so many go unnoticed I am sure!) In any case, the point here is that the possibility of Dyslexia is the first possibility of a learning diability I should look into. And this DOES make me wonder if there IS SOMETHING to the Therapist who pointed out that he found it odd that my parents Allowed me to work so much to the exclusion of all else when in HS. HE commented how he thought that not normal. I thought I grew up in a normal healthy home. I thought I got what I needed from my parents. But it DOES make me wonder if I have indeed have had ADD and some learning disability my whole life WHY MY PARENTS would either have had unawareness or chose not to do anything about that. My mom is clear on the point that she doesn't believe in labeling. She is clearly not OPEN to discussions about possible ADD in me. She is clearly resistant. My DAD too was resistant to discussion of my brother as one who is mentally ill... and tuned me out, despite the fact my brother is diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. My family IS WONDERFUL but at the same time it DOES make me wonder if there is some truth that as a child I IN SOME WAYS was neglected and not paid enough attention to. Then on the flip side I see what I accomplished and my mother thinks that at that time kids who were labeled DIDN't RECEIVE a good education. Yet I clearly DID- albiet with a struggle. But in any case, I am open to the possibility that THERE COULD be something to what the Therapist said. I was attracted to Westley who is a workaholic because he is JUST LIKE MY FATHER who too is a workaholic. I likely was attracted to My EX for some other reason I don't yet see... But in any case, I am open to self awareness and personal growth and seek to think about being a kid and my childhood NOT TO JUDGE but TO UNDERSTAND. In some ways there are clearly trust issues on the part of my mother. As a child of an alcoholic, she also shows some traits of one who WAS ABUSED - perhaps neglected, and perhaps in more pervasive ways. She is AFRAID of tickling and other HEALTHy normal touch. My family is NOT a touchy feely one and its an area I KNOW my oldest brother WORKED on consiously, and one I also have consiously worked on! And in some ways I think these could just be CULTURAL NORMS that are different for different cultures. In studying Irish Literature my family seems to have the same esteem issues Joyce discussed. READ "THE DEAD" and it could be a Thanksgiving Party of my family some years back.... When engulfed in the world of IRISH literature study that became obvious to me and when home on a break from college I ruined that Thanksgiving trying to TALK about the issues of the IRISH as addressed by Synge, and Joyce et al. (Now of course my memory fails me and my knowledge of all that is gone!) Everyone was angry at me for my discussion of IRISH literature although I hadn't made ANY personal analogys... they were too painfully clear. IN any case, this is reminder of me to continue my self discovery and be open to learning and growing in all ways that I CAN, even when it is a difficult and at times a painful process! ON my personal TO DO LIST 1. Work to earn my own income (I start in a few hours!) 2. Seek self improvement by addressing ADD and possible learning disability. If I remain focused on those two areas of personal development I think not only I but our whole family could reap great benefits! (I HOPE SO!!)

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