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2005-10-17 - 11:41 a.m.

I am enjoying some time at the library this morn as we had an overdue item I found that I accidentally hadn't returned with last weeks videos! It was on the pile of stuff on my desk which is often a mess, so I feel lucky I came across it now and not WEEKS from now! I have no idea who put it there! Its the last place I would put library materials as thats a likely spot for incurring fines! My goal to CLEAN MY DESK and ORGANIZE FILES has been on my list for many weeks now and I just haven't found time to get to it.

I am happy to finally BE DONE with the CHANGE of SEASON CLOTHING shuffle! I made a list of needed items and it is a grand total of ONE thing: NEW BOOTS needed for Raitlin. Other than that all other clothes needed were to be found in storage as we have saved EVERYTHING from the older kids that was in decent shape. (With the exception of the obviously boy stuff I sent to the Consignment shop.)

IT was a very rough past week for Westley and I and the kids. Basically I have said it before, I have willfully remained married to an abuser and we all know that it would be just stupid and maybe crazy to deny that. Some thing it likewise stupid and downright crazy to STAY MARRIED as that knowledge was not obvious upon saying "I DO"

So its sad when WESTELY does have one of those abusive moments. HE indeed did do again. I indeed responded strongly. We again talked of possibility of divorce. The sad thing is that discussion ALONE being brought up can indeed ITSELF be a form of psycological abuse if used as a tool to intimidate. This discussion wasn't of that nature but of the sort where he and I BOTH acknowledge the REALITY of his problem THAT HE REALLY DOES ACCEPT. IT would in a way be the EASIEST way for HIM TO TAKE accountability by HIM LEAVING. I HOWEVER take that to be the BIG COP OUT of avoiding the HARDER TASK of taking personal responsibility and maturely FACING YOUR issues rather than running away from the situation that brings them out. Fact is that if he doesn't face his demons now, he'll STILL encounter OTHER SITUATIONS in life that bring them out and then will eventually be re-facing them OVER AND OVER. That's what the whole CYCLE OF ABUSE IS ABOUT-- EITHER YOU TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF And do somthing to control your own abusiveness or it takes control of you and ruins your life.

I of course needn't stick around while Westley figures out how to handle his demons if he is hurtful TO ME. BUT despite it all, even a recurrance just this past week in which he did indeed take a hand to me and aggressively held me-- and then thankfully let go realizing he indeed made a dreadful mistake, despite it all I STILL THINK STAYING in our marriage is the best course of action.

YEt it seems so hard to justify! Many don't believe the girls would be better off in our intact family than in a typically American divorce situation. I really do. I REALLY think that all the girls are All going to have to reconcile issues based on the flaws and issues of BOTH THEIR PARENTS, and that to seperate wouldn't DECREASE troubles in their life but onle CREATE MORE! I can't see how the occassional dysfunctional pattern of communication erupting that he does is WORSE than a situation where he and I were NOT TOGETHER and they either 1. Go between two homes, one of which has Wesley WITHOUT the balance of me there to assist him! or 2. HE is cut out of their life as he was with Katerina and Soren. Being their BIRTH FATHER the little girls would then have ALL SORTS of issues THEN!

Many would argue I am SO WRONG about what is best for the girls.

Many don't believe I am better off in this relationship than alone. I really don't know about that... but I do know that I am actually HAPPY to be in my relationship! Ironic as it seems, I can see WESTLEY's behaviour as so not about me, and it is also JUST SO NON THREATENING. When it occurs I just see the stunted development of him and envision the toddler tantrum as he didn't learn emotional control I think in part because his parents were themselves so very controlling!

SO I relish every time the girls have an argument and I let them figure out how to reasonable resolve it.

I listen to those moments and realize he never was allowed them! HE is figuring it out as an adult!

Westley's reaction is that of his parents when he hears the girls fight. His gut instinct is to DISCIPLINE THEM -- but he is open to listening to me when I suggest we don't. He in fact most often ASKS ME to take care of that and most often ASKS me to do so before he intervenes when they misbehave. I think he fundamentally knows that when it comes to anger - in himself or others, that HE DOES NEED HELP. I see him seek it of me every time he does delegate something that he knows will be a challenge for him.I see it in how he has asked we divide tasks in our household. I see him NOT TAKE On the things he knows will be sources of frustration and anger for him.

This time when he lost his control we both did some important things differently. I did note he controlled himself better than in the past AFTER the initial moment erupted. HE was able to reign his anger in. He was able to calm dowm and recognize what he did was wrong. He was able to say himself " THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE"

HE was also so guilty that he was ready to leave. I think that guilt is VERY HEALTHY.

IT still makes it really difficult. I can't be in the position of saying ITS OK

SO I was clear saying I AM ANGRY NOW

But what I did differently was that this time I DID EXPRESS EMOTION rather than acting so darn rational only. I DID CONCIOUSLY TRUST and LET MUYSELF NOT BE SO SELF PROTECTIONIST and allow myself to be more vulnerable-- as opposed to enter the FIGHT MODE TOO. I AM ususally very quick to be protectionist in an aggressive way. I HELD BACK that urge and allowed myself to TRUST HIM.

I didn't become manipulated into doing the very thing he was trying to manipulate me into doing (THAT BEING SELL THE VOLVO--) but at the same time there was a certain need of being SUBMISSIVE to TRUST SUBMISSIVE to LOVE and SUBMITTING to FORGIVEING that was needed ... without the kind of submissiveness of being controlled. ITS A FINE LINE and one almost difficult to imagine let alone articulate UNTIL ONE REALLY IS IN A LIFE PARTNERSHIP!

That commitment of marriage becomes a thing that we preserve at times seperate from our selves.

So we have this marriage. AND it has become a thing greater than each of us. FOR that reason and sometimes that reason only, we stay-- and it is indeed because that encompasses how we affect not only our selves by the GROWTH preserving that marriage ENSURES will continue to happen, but because as a result of this marriage we have created these other lives we really owe it to. ANd I think by valuing this marriage ALL OF OUR lives are indeed better and will be better. I think we ALL are forced to keep growing in ways we wouldn't otherwise.

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