2005-12-14 - 10:39 a.m.

I am making plans for my weekend in Buffalo with Katerina and Soren!

Or I should say- TRYING TO!
Westley is being an ass.
He doesn't realize it of course, but he indeed is being a controlling jerk.

Or maybe he DOES realize it and that's where I have been WRONG in my assessment.

Regardless I had to pin him down to get him to commit to a TIME FRAME as to when he would COMMIT to being home in charge of kids so I could leave. We agreed on 2pm on FRI after I finally got him to firm it up. I complained to him it was unfair to put me off AS I HAD TO MAKE PLANS.

So then I called and told KAterina's DAD (via a message) that I would like to pick HER UP AT 5pm on Friday night to take her out to celebrate her birthday, and that I would then get SOREN along with us on SAT morn for the duration of the weekend. I am looking forward to staying at Rosalina's and thought a "Girls night" would be nice for Katerina!

Via message her DAD left a message that would be fine and that they planned her birthday party at a ROCK CLIMBING place on SUN and I am welcome to attend. (I had told him when making my plans for this weekend that since I had to WAIT on work and on child care etc to commit to which weekend I'd get to travel to go ahead and make plans for her party WHENEVER and that I would be OK with either working around that for my weekend plans, or attending as well if they were comforable with that.)

So after Victor commits to 2pm he CONTINUES to try to pressure me to COME BACK EARLY ON SUN. And I continue to SAY NO! I finally tell him ALSO that I intend on ATTENDING KATERINA's SUN PARTY and am not going to miss it!

OH- I had agreed to take one of the girls with me to make it easier for him. So then he says "YOU CAn't take any of the girls with you then"

I said "WHY?"

He said "Because we agreed they are not to spend any time with THEM"

The BAD PEOPLE in his mind. He wants NO EXPOSURE of our little girls to Katerina and SOREN's OTHER FAMILY.

He really is so immature. I do understand that though as THOSE BAD PEOPLE in fact have taken issue with him and Maligned him.

They have said things like he is CONTROLLING and ABUSIVE...

Of course not until after I SAID them. And he KNOWS that. And not until after he was in fact CONTROLLING AND ABUSIVE.

But his response is to CONTROL CONTACT WITH THE BAD PEOPLE because in his mind of course THEY ARE THE PROBLEM. (AS IF WITHOUT ANYONE POINTING IT OUT THE LITTLE GIRLS MIGHT NEVER NOTICE OR TAKE ISSUE IF HE EVER MISTREATS THEM!)

So Westley says "You are going by yourself and I have to be a babysitter for all the girls. That means I can't get any work done, so I am not taking off work FRI. I might as well work and come back at 6pm as it would be a waste to take off work and not be able to get anything done. So you can't leave until after I get home Fri night."

I said "How would it be a WASTE to take of work to spend time with your girls and let me take off for a while?"

BLAH BLAH... the conversation continued about his AGENDA of HOUSE PROJECTS he has to get done.

ANyway, I called an ad for a sitter last week and had a nice chat with her. I believe she is STILL working as a nanny through this week. I forget when that current job ends. She is looking for full time as a nanny (which is what she is doing now but the pregnant mom is about to be home full time rather than work so she is out of her current job)

I called and left a message asking if she is available to sit FRI at NOON so I could have time with her then take off at 2pm as planned. I think she's unavailable-- but I will look though other ads today!

I did mention something like if WESTELY did take off work I could get a sitter to watch the girls while he got his house stuff done on FRI. He said something like NO I DON'T AGREE TO THAT... and how that wouldn't help.

Whatever. But it WILL HELP ME if I find a SITTER to come here on FRI and I can actually LEAVE FOR My weekend AS PLANNED at 2pm.

Yesterday we had ANOTHER interesting conversation. I talked about how I mailed out the CHRISTMAS package to my parents and brother BRIAN via UPS, and how I packaged all the others for my bros that I'll get out via the POST OFFICE today. I told him I had just picked up socks for my DAD as my mom said that is what he could use. After my trip if I have money left I'll look for a book I'd like for him about GRAHAM GREENE on HALF.COM and have it shipped. Westely asked about how I had money for Christams shopping since I said I was short this month and had to work extra hours a few weeks ago in order to make up the money I CAN'T EARN when we travel to VA. I told him I had bought most of the gifts on CLEARANCE a little at time as I watched the CLEARANCE racks and budgeted about $10 a paycheck for gifts. BY buying on CLEARANCE I basically then got nice things when I found them well ahead of time. But what was interesting about that conversation was that he seemed to be interested in my CURRENT FINANCES and seemed to be VERIFYING that I have NO EXTRA MONEY. I worked FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW a few weeks ago- a first and LAST FOR ME! I did so in order to have enough for my attorney (AS I TOLD HIM)

BUT I ALSO DID SO IN ORDER TO HAVE ENOUGHT GAS MONEY TO MAKE IT TO AND FROM BUFFALO AS WELL AS SPENDING MONEY WHEN THERE! I CAN PAY FOR A SITTER AND REDUCE THE SPENDING MONEY THERE!
AS he SAYS he will pay for the cost of travel to and fro once a month-- BUT THEN THERE HAS BEEN A CLEAR PATTERN OF HIM finding some EXCUSE to become ANGRY AND CONTROLLING and then THREATENING to THWART that SUPPORT AND THREATENING TO TAKE AWAY THE AMEX CARD

MOST OBVIOUS PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE.

SO we have made headway on the issuse of VERBAL ABUSE becoming almost nonexistant. PHYSICAL ABUSE has in fact STILL OCCURRED. And PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE has still occurred although infrequently.

HOWEVER THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is for me to be UNABLE TO BE MANIPULATED by the attempts at PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE which are done typically by CONTROL OF MY RESOURCES OF TIME AND MONEY

WHich is why WORKING is so wonderful for me!

Which is why a SITTER is also what I see AS ESSENTIAL FOR ME!

With childcare I can not be held home to care for the children and therefore have a way of being CONTROLLED which is SUBTLE and HARD TO EXPLAIN.

Particularlly since it has been a MUTUAL DECISION TO HAVE ALL THE KIDS.

But when WESTELY doesn't willingly stay home to care for them so I can achieve PERSONAL GOALS then he IS BEING CONTROLLING.

I talked to him about the DANCE CLASS WHICH I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT and HE REFUSED TO BABYSIT FOR IT!

So I need a sitter for that!

(IF I can really afford to hire one and go- which I CAN if I don't pay for PRESCHOOL)

I in fact let the girls lapse on PRESCHOOL for this month so that I have the money in the bank for my trip to BUFFALO. I hoped WESTELY WOULD spring for the tuition, but he didn't!

He really doesn't see PRESCHOOL as priority! To him that it tantamount to paying for child care when I am home and can provide it for free. He really doesn't look at THE GIRLS and how THEY LOVE IT and it BENEFITS THEM!

The teacher tried to encourage me to at least leave Katie in. I then explained that I AM WORKING part time to pay for PRESCHOOL and have to hold off for this month only but they'll be back in JAN. She empathized and vented about how she values the arts and her husband is THE SAME WAY! She Said her husband will think nothing of paying for a SPORTS program for her daughter, but if she enrolls her in a dance program he complains about her wasting the money!

I was so surprised that this control of women by HUSBANDS is just SO COMMON! I have talked to many women, and because of my openness and honesty they open up and tell their stories. I hope to encourage them that THEY CAN make their MARRIAGE healthier BY HOLDING FAST TO THEIR GOALS AND JUST WORKING TO MEET THEM THEMSELVES IF NEED BE! A REALLY IMPORTANT THING TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS IS TO HAVE FINANCIAL AUTONOMY!

Oh- and now the good news!
I got a letter that I made the first cut from HR reviewing my cover letter and resume for a job at The US DEPT of JUSTICE here in SYRACUSE

It's part time two days a week. That would be PERFECT!

I also think that if I got that job AND KEPT TARGET two nights a week that I COULD AFFORD an au pair. (AFS has a reasonable exchange au pair program I think I could manage)

I'd MAKE no extra money- but in my mind THAT WOULD BE WORTH IT! TIME tO BE both home with girls, help with them, and TIME TO MEET MY OWN PERSONAL GOALS LIKE STUDY !!! THAT WOULD BE A LUXURY!! Maybe that's a sad thing to have said-- because really THAT SHOULD't be a luxury!

THAT WOULD BE LIVING A SELF ACTUALIZED LIFE!

NOW WESTELY ACTED LIKE HE WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE OF AN AU PAIR when he can afford it. HE will be exposed as a LIAR if he does not support one WHEN I CAN AFFORD IT.

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