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2006-02-13 - 1:15 a.m.

Tired and have to go to bed. All is well! Had a wonderful time at Clinton Square Ice Skating with Soren and Katerina on Fri night!

Their DAd talked to me about my concerns BEFORE he brought them to Syracuse to meet me. He assurred me he was indeed not under any influence when he picked up the kids the last time he was in town and said he was at his AA meeting. I told him I must have just made a mistake and that cologne or after shave or anything alcohol based could make me paranoid about that too as I do worry! (Naturally!) He actually said he avoids all those... he really was hardcore addicted and as such stays away from ANYTHING even resembling the drug of alcohol and still goes to AA nightly and told me he goes to TWO MEETINGS on Fridays!

At least he did seem fine when he picked them up and I get the sense HE IS DOING WELL at staying clean and sober.

Katerina actually looked better than she had although she STILL wore her hair in the very unbecoming style of being pulled into a bun at the back of her head! Rosita REALLY tried to help her learn how to care for and APPRECHIATE that she has BEAUTIFUL hair when she cares for it properly and doesn't HIDE it or FRIZZ it! She looks SO MATRONLY with it up like that! What irritates me is that her GRANDMOTHER ENCOURAGES her to put it up! She told me that when I talked to her about how she was caring for her hair! After I saw her in DEC and Rosita spent time teaching her, I made Katerina PROMISE to wear her hair DOWN for ONE WEEK to try to get USED to it and COMFORTABLE with it down again. I said to TRY IT and that she might LIKE IT AND GET COMPLIMENTS. I thouhgt she looked SO PRETTY on her birthday party when she left it dowm! I told her then to do what she liked best,but to at least give it a try for one week.

When I visited her a few weeks ago I got some of the recommended hair products and she did seem very happy that the shampoo works better at controling frizz and making it easier to comb and care for.

I also had gotten a product I told her to save for special occassions which was a more intensive relaxer which wouldn's necessarilly STRAIGHTEN it but would take out some more of the frizz. I just told her to try to reserve that for SPECIAL occassions as it seems to be stronger and I feel like less chemicals used each day the better for her OVERALL health! She said she was going to try it for her violin concert (which she had told me was the 10th) I called on the 11th to see how the concert was! It turned out it had been THE PREVIOUS WEEK! She had forgotten to tell me about it! She said it was good and I asked if she tried the hair stuff and did anything special with her hair. She told me she used it and her grandmother combed her hair out and straightened it with a straightening iron . She said it then was REALLY POOFY but easier to manage and that it took about TWO HOURS for it to be done! She said then she put it up in a ponytail on the top of her head. (I can just imagine the straightened version of the bun which hides her beautiful hair!)

OH WELL! Rosita and I are TRYING to help her grow to APPRECHIATE and LOVE HER WONDERFUL HAIR and I feel like her Grandmother thwarts that by on the special occasion rather than accentuating her beautiful curls STRAIGHTENS them. NOW MAYBE KATERINA GOT THE MESSAGE THAT SHE IS SPECIAL AND BEAUTIFUL AND FELT WONDERFUL AND VALIDATED AFTER THAT! I HOPE SO.... but I wonder if there is another more dominant message that is being reinforced over and over by the encouragement of the really unbecoming style that HIDES her TRULY GEORGOUS CURLS which I HOPED SHE WOULD LEARN TO MANAGE AND LOVE


AND I know its a tough age-- but I miss seeing KAterina SEEM LIKE SHE FEELS BEAUTIFUL

My mom actually asked about how she is wearing her hair today on the phone. I haven't even talked to her about this topic AT ALL!! But she brought it up and told me that two summers ago (when Westley sent KAterina to FL to visit grandparents) My mom thought she looked SO BEAUTIFUL with her short hair cut that was becoming and brought out her curls! (And that was the 2nd hair cut when she wanted to go VERY VERY SHORT and asked me to cut it "like Soren's" so I did what SHE WANTED! My mom should have seen THE STUNNING CUT she had only a few weeks BEFORE THAT!! IT was so incredible but I think she felt SELF CONSIOUS as she got SO MANY COMPLIMENTS AND ATTENTION which was making her feel insecure! But I could always give her that cut again... which I will never forget! So I was pleased to hear my mom found THE 2nd short cut becoming!)

Then my mom commented how last summer she had it up, and it was a frizzy mess and she wasn't really taking care of it at all-- and how it was just not at all youthful and although she didn't SAY unattractive I think SHE used the word matronly actually and made it clear she THOUGHT it was so unattractive and messy and not cared for.

THE GOOD NEWS was that on Friday even though the ugly bun was still the way she wore her hair, Katerina DID LOOK prettier- so I looked at her and immediately could tell that she had plucked her eyebrows! I asked if she removed some hair in between her eyebrows and she at first was initially embarassed (As Soren was there ) but was very soon over that as I told her she did a FANTASTIC JOB and it really was an improvement, and that she did indeed look prettier! I had mentioned this topic some time recently to her as she is growing and has undergone so many body changes! So I had talked to her about women taking care of unwanted hair and pointed out how some do the eyebrows. She like me thinks some are a bit silly when they make them pencil thin (and she actually brought that up! I think that was an in vogue thing to do for a while, and if it were not for that extreme I think I may have NEVER NOTICED that this was even done by women as I never had any particular unwanted body hair issues to call attention to this MYSELF and was never interested in teen girls mags or womens mags to learn of these types of things! My mom is likely as naive to lots of beauty regimes as she too had never had much interest! I REALLY wanted to bring up the whole removal of body hair issue TO WARN KATERINA of something NOONE REALLY WARNED ME:


At that time I ALSO told her THAT SHE IN FACT MIGHT HAVE INTEREST in removing some hair if it ever bothered her. I talked to her about facial hair and how some women have hair on their chest etc...

And I told her if she ever had interest we could find out about that and that she could always ask her aunts who do that (Although I can't personally help her from experience I could read and find options)

So I was surprised that she actually did pluck those already! She told me they had been bothering her, and that her DAD said he had his eyebrows waxed once as he too has what looks almost like ONE EXTENDED brow if he doesn't!
(I either didn't know that or forgot that!)

So she took the tweezers and plucked away! I asked her how she knew what to do! I asked if she talked to girlfriends, or grandma or read magazines or what and she said she just figured it out! (I guess my former conversation gave her sufficient info to figure it out!)

And she said IT HURT!! I don't doubt it! She then said she won't have to do it again for a while (Which makes me think SHE HAD to have READ or consulted SOMEONE to know that! Hmmmm)

OK IS this officially insomnia being up this late? Doesn't feel like it as I REALLY just wanted to relax and enjoy time alone to read and write before bed! (So haven't had TROUBLE sleeping) But I wonder at my lack of desire to go to sleep and worry that it could be b/c the medicine is TOO much of a dose for me to have optimal health! The trouble is that in the morning after taking ONE PILL I notice I STILL have those obsessive hyper focused moments and am very prone to get distracted from a task I COULD DO and then do something LIKE WRITE FOR FAR TOO LONG and look up and think I was just in a TIME WARP They hyper focus state where I am in flow but completely DISORGANIZED when it comes to things I SHOULD BE DOING!! That REALLY was often a NATURAL STATE For me which made my life a disorganized mess when I got caught up in some creative pursuit in my wonderland... as I think of High school etc... Being knicknamed ALICE yet being able to focus when I needed to at those key moments before the debate tournaments and then kick butt...

So I notice that AFTER I TAKE the 2nd pill which my DR said to stagger and take around noon, that a few hours later when FULLY MEDICATED for the day, I don't have those almost obsessive moments of being pulled into a task I start when distracted from WHAT I AM SUPPOSSED to be doing! In the afternoon I am SO MUCH MORE FOCUSED and ON TASK and even feel like I am MORE ORGANIZED as well.

But then I notice that AT NIGHT I think I am getting into this writing bouts... so AT LEAST I AM NOT DOING SO DURING THE DAY AND NEGLECTING RESPONSIBILITYS... but I SHOULD BE SLEEPING!! And it was working SO WELL for a while that the medicine HELPED ME AND ALSO had the side effect of me not feeling tired on those nights I WORK HOWEVER I NEED TO GO TO BED EARLY ON THOSE NIGHTS I DON'T WORK AND CAN'T GET INTO THIS HABIT OF WRITING ALOT AT NIGHT!! I wonder if its BECAUSE the medicine is tapering off at night that I then write and don't stop (as I think that is really an artifact of the lack of impulse control of ADHD where you just are so impulsive and I impulsively journal! ITs VERY RELAXING FOR ME! AND TYPING IS SO MUCH EASIER ON MY WRISTS THAN WRITING WITH A PEN SO I KEEP IT UP FOR A LONG TIME) But then on the flip side I wonder if the medicine hasn't worn off AT ALL And that I am energetic AND AWAKE AND WRITING AS I am taking TOO HIGH OF A DOSE.

BUT then I worry as it seems the greatest benefit has been after the 2nd pill !

I thought we tweaked this, but I think I am going to ask my Dr. to try a 20 mg and then a 10mg instead of the 2nd dose I take being another 20mg. If I cut the 2nd dose down, maybe I will still see the difference but it won't keep me SO ALERT and energtic and motivated at night which is JUST NOT NORMAL! That 25 % reduction makes sense to try!

It DOES help me to clarify things by writing! If I don't write I am LESS LIKELY to even REMEMBER to specifically LATER DO OR TALK ABOUT THINGS!!

At my last appt, which is at 9am and before the meds REALLY kick in I think the Dr had a bit of a smile he was trying to hide when I said "Oh wait I almost forgot to ask for a prescription refill" HE then told me he gave it to me already AND INDEED THERE IT WAS IN MY PURSE

But I REALLY HAD NO CLUE he had done so in the moment! I was TALKING and just didn't PROCESS when he handed it to me and I stuck it away! I just can't focus on two things at once! That and the memory issue!

I actually think it might be helpful if I had an appt LATER in the day so he could see if he thinks there is any difference as the day goes on for me! But Westely failed getting home in time for me to make it to my appt!

OH this really annoys me! I asked Westely to pick up my prescription as I am out (As of tonight) and HE DIDN"T!! HE also says he has no money and took away my credit card on his acct after the FRI I went to Buffalo. He was annoyed I hadn't ASKED him before going that day! I told him he had TOLD ME he would pay for gas for me to go once a month! Then he complained about the gas money to go there mainly as he hadn't APPROVED of it ahead of time! I told him that he committed to supporting this and he should THEREFORE BUDGET FOR IT! He acted like I have a responsibility to discuss WHEN I AM GOING ahead of time, but also said he doesn't want the girls to be driven there in any inclement weather and that he doesn't want them to have any interaction with Katerina and Soren's father and grandmother, and he also acts like he doesn't want the girls to have much interaction with KAterina and Soren themselves! So he basically is EMULATING his mother's behavior that she had in relation to his father's children from HIS FIRST WIFE! I think it is so selfish!

So I KNEW it was the smartest thing to do to NOT TELL HIM so he couldn't try SOMEHOW to sabatoge my plans.

He also said he didn't have any money to pay the bill I got for co-pays for my last two Dr. appts! So I sent out the $30 for that , and I will ask him to pick up my prescription for me tommorrow- but if he DOESN'T I think I will have to go get it myself and spend my money-- which is of course WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO. HE IS TRYING TO NOT FINANCIALLY SUPPORT MY MEDICAL MANAGEMENT WHICH IS REALLY EVIL AND SELF CENTERED



But at least only one extra a month will cover those expenses! I can manage that without a problem! So I'll just pick that up and not get into it. He has ALSO been doing ALL THE GROCERY SHOPPING in his attempt to control finances tightly! THat in fact IS GREAT FOR ME as its nice to not have to do that!

HE CLAIMS to have just forgotten to pick up my prescription! I however hightly doubt that! He in fact in the past COMPLAINED about the cost of that and my Dr. HE Also said he can't watch the girls this WED for my appt! I'll go anyway and just bring them all with me as he has a waiting room. I can bring the stroller and some books and my Dr. will likely get some greater insight into me when he meets Raitlin. When I FIRST started my medical management WESTELY was REALLY RESISTANT!! HE was INTENTIONALLY trying to thwart me! I knew it and even expected it! (SO WAS PREPARED WITH A BACK UP PLAN TO MAKE IT TO ALL MY APPOINTMENTS REGARDLESS OF HIS HELP OR NOT!) When I am healthy he can't complain about much! He doesn't have the opportunity to say I am passive aggressively ignoring things he would like me to do-- as with focus and organization my reliability has increased. ONe would THINK that WOULD IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIP but the real secret is that IT MAKES WESTELY FEEL SUPERIOR AND IN GREATER CONTROL WHEN I AM LESS ORGANIZED AND NOT MANAGING THINGS AS WELL!! I THINK HE DOESN'T like WHEN I have it all together! In fact his reaction and resistiveness lets me REALLY think the medicine is truy affecting a positive change in me personally that he has to STILL Adjust to!

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