2006-02-21 - 8:18 a.m.

Yesterday was President's Day and the kids all had the day off school. Sadie has off all this week, however Katerina and Soren had only yesterday. I drove the little ones to Buffalo where we met the older two for dinner. We hung out at what has become our place to go- a store that has an ALWAYS EMPTY food area where they sell a few things (likely unappetizing since no one is lining up!)

Since the place is ALWAYS empty, and we first SHOP there and buy our bread and lunch meat as well as other stuff for our meal. Then we sit there and I actually ordered two side salads which were doled out onto sandwiches (Which was improvement over last time not buying anything but instead bringing in the whole darn picnic basket with homemade cake and all! The things you do with kids which parents wouldn't otherwise EVER do! Pride goes out the window at times.... as in when measuring the level of messiness of the house, and in bringing home cooked food INTO eating establishments or popcorn into the movies for a whole clan as it really is just unaffordable with six kids to do otherwise!)

I felt a bit uncomfortable the first time we did this- -but only for a moment until I realized that the staff there found the children a delightful entertaiment, and were welcoming of ANY WARM BODIES in their otherwise dead food service area in the convieience store, and that this was not by far a fancy restaraunt! THe SELF SERVE sign and cafeteria atmosphere helped! The security guard for the store stands right there next to us, and was there like a fizture both last time and this one. He knows us by now! So it was a lovely time! ITs a place close enough to Katerina and Soren's that IS WARM and has some of the stuff we needed to pick up! When we traveled last time I had the grand plan of a winter picnic at the park and all the kids were all bundled in snow suits and excited about that. We have played at the park on a few trips! The kids all love that time together. But with all the bathroom stops and having to get some things done, last time it was DARK and WAY TOO COLD for the winter picnic which is how I discovered this welcoming spot for our suppers!

Soren brought a deck of cards with him and he and Sadie played GO FISH much of the time.

Other fun:

On Sunday I took Sadie, Katie and the infamous Raitlin to a Folk Music Concert at the local library! IT was wonderful! This is the SAME LIBRARY which thinks Raitlin too wild for story hour. Well the older folk who frequent the concert just LOVED HER! I walked in about 10 minutes late (my fault! I just HAD to gather up all the library books, including the wonderful biography of Alice Walker I have resigned myself to the fact I don't really have time to read) I was a bit obsessed with finding them all since I can't recall when they are REALLY due and I forget if I renewed them once or twice already!)

I STILL walked the kids all the way around and then up to the very front as ALL the seats were taken and then I instructed them to sit quietly on the floor in front (knowing that when they can see and are engaged they have the best behaviour!) They were WELL COACHED BEFORE HAND

It was SO VERY FUNNY the Raitlin wouldn't open her mouth at all. She was of course not perfectly still (how could she be perfectly still EVER and most ESPECIALLY when there is music playing?) She would sit there and subltly move one part of her body at a time, fist her head bobbing ever so slightly to the music, then she would keep it still and move a hand, then one leg so subtly, then a toe tapping (which resulted in a harsh look from me and my raising my fingers one, two three... at which she stopped) THere were a group of older folk sitting in that front row and when I sent the kids to the floor they MOTIONED to me and INVITED them to sit in front of them! SO I let the girls and they really were angels! THe older folks WERE DELIGHTED!

I was "in my glory" (my mom's favorite phrase) when the guy doing the library PR for the event took the photos with my girls center ! He and the other librariarn (a nice one) we see all the time did seem to take note of the fact we were there (as I am sure they have been TOLD TO) and I think they too found it equally amusing just how GOOD the girls were (As typical!) and how BELOVED they are by these older folks we often see there! This male librarian with camera in hand is the very same one who was unlucky enought to be checking my books out the same day I shared my whole woes of the computer crap with him AFTER the EXEC DIRECTOR ignored them (as she watched behind him with her evil eye that I would waste his time and insult her intelliegence by talking to her minion and dare complain about HER which I ALSO DID)

At one point one of the musicians asked Raitlin her name (and she didn't answer!) She just looked at him. I motioned her to come over and told her "Raitlin I did say NOT TO TALK AT ALL! THANK YOU FOR BEING A WONDERFUL LISTENER. YOU CAN HOWEVER ANSWER QUESTIONS IF SOMEONE ADDRESSES YOU. HE ASKED YOUR NAME! "

I don't know if she didn't realize he was talking to her, or if she was steadfast in being a good girl and following the rules after her last library experience of the exec director telling us we had to leave or she would call the police!

Hey maybe there is some good in the evil libaraian! Maybe her over the top reaction is GOOD for Raitlin! SHe certain WAS THE PERFECT ANGEL on Sunday-- unusual since she ALSO hadn't napped!

So after the song ended, about five minutes AFTER the musician asked her name, my three year old THEN ANSWERED with an assertive response of announcing her name and "I AM THREE"

It was SOOO... CUTE.. The delayed reaction was VERY FUNNY. Then her four year old sister also felt it proper to announce her name and that she could spell. Not to be outdone the three year old then SPELLED HER NAME for all to hear.

They responded to my gestures to then be quiet and listen to the music.

So it wasn't a TOTALLY ATYPICAL outing as RAITLIN got the typical comment out there. (similar to "ITs a DOG!" ) but it was also NOT TOO DISRUPTIVE.

And the older folks JUST LOVED it! THEY WERE HYSTERICAL.

Afterwards the ladies sought us out to introduce themselves and ASKED US TO COME AGAIN and SIT WITH THEM AGAIN as the girls were such a delight to them. They were so happy to see Katies lovely dress and asked "IS that a Polly Flanders?" (OR is it Penny Flanders?)

I said "I have no idea. Its a hand me down likely from the early seventies which was worn by my sister in law and was found in the attic in fine shape! It's her favorite dress"

They were oohing and ahhing over the smocking and lovely starched white Peter Pan collar and told me the flowers as well indicate IT MUST BE! They said "We dressed our girls in those dresses!"

Another proudly told me "I was like you- it reminds me to see you with your girls! The only difference was I HAD FIVE!"

I smiled and laughed at her sentiment!

So maybe the Preschool Story hour isn't for us as MY GNEREATION is the generation of often the one parent with one kid hyper aggressively micromanaging. Maybe we CAN HAVE socialization-- but maybe I should scope out the ACTIVITIES for SENIORS instead of those for PRESCHOOLERS as that generation seems to welcome us an be THRILLED to see the rarity of a large family! And I also note here that the girls WERE AS FAR FROM ME as they are in that story roon-- WITHIN MY SIGHT AND WATCHFUL EYE but being given some autonomy and TRUSTED!

For these older people, seeing a larger family is familiar and brings back memories to them. Watching the group of girls makes them reminicient of times passed which they so fondly recall.

Tonight I do have on my calender the BOARD OF TRUSTEES MEETING of the library. Westely is out of town until Midnight so if I go it will indeed be WITH KIDS IN TOW and without his help! I am tempted to do so to share our apprechiation of the concert series,our love of the logistics of the CHILDREN'S space and to let them MEET RAITLIN as then they can judge us ourselves! The only problem is that it is at 7pm and I am hesitant to disrupt bed time routine. However this might be worth it. I'll see how the afternoon goes and if I get everyone fed early and ready for bed early enough maybe I will take them out in PJs. But maybe I'll just let it drop knowing we can just enjoy the OTHER events at the library with a warm welcome!

The thing is that I RECOGNIZE the name of the head of the BOARD of trustees and I think HE MIGHT IN FACT be our neighbor who we see on the walk to and from the busstop and all around town. So I am tempted to go as IF SO then the librarian's agenda will QUICKLY be thwarted. If so he has seen us and talked with us MANY TIMES. HE is indeed a normal person who has a clue what typical kids are like and also knows Railtin and has seen her best and worst (the absolute worst being the tantrum when she was hauled to the busstop and didn't want to go!)

ON the topic of my goal of trying to change the busstop- as typical there has been no feedback yet after I met with the PRINCIPAL and spoke with her about it. She is the school representative on the SCHOOL BOARD so I thought she the appropriate person to talk to. She seemed to be sensitive to my concern and I believe genuinely AGREES with me that it is ridiculous to have a stop SO FAR away that you can't send a kid safely to it. So she said she would see what could be done. She even asked WHAT I WANTED she aske if I wanted the bus in front of the house. I honestly said "That would be great, but not necessarilly as I AM SENSITIVE to the logistical problem with that. I would be happy if it were at the intersection WHERE I CAN SAFELY SEND my daughter as I COULD SEE HER but not to have to bring all the other kids out."

I COULD WATCH HER GET THE BUS if it were at our corner! I think that would be reasonable. There is no need to stop in front of the house if they really don't want to stop on the main road. THEY could just turn up the side street. ITs not that hard to figure out! I think they want the bus turning at a light and we don't have a light here-- but I think the drivers can manage that ! It think that Until I actually put this concern in WRITING and point out that a stop so far doesn't REALLY MEET the critereon of actually providing FUNCTIONAL TRANSPORTATION for a five year old, nothing will change. I should be writing a slew of letters rather than journaling... but this is a relazing RELEASE and that type of writing IS NOT. (That will have to wait until some PMS MOMENT when I am cranky so it IS A RELEASE and venting and then feels good to get done!)

I'm pretty happy now though and so am enjoying writing!

I have received my invitation from The Institute of Children's literature for a home based course on Writing for Teens and Children based on my writing sample I sent in. I cranked out the sample one Sunday morn in about 15 minutes and am surprised to get the "invitation" based on it's messy hand written content. Hmmm... that makes me incredibly skeptical (as I am about any such "offers" for wonderful "opportunities")

I always see the wonderous opportunity for someone to make money off naivity!

I wonder if THEY REALLY do hone writer's skills such that they become publishable. Perhaps they do in the area of WRITING itself. I also know that the other half of being published is based on MARKETING.

I know its a LONG PROCESS of HARD WORK. So its not that which is daunting. I guess I am just hesitant to committ to a course which will be an additional monthly expense as I would have to do the payment plan, without a guarantee of a return.

So before I would do something like that I have to be sure THE CLASS IN AND OF ITSELF is enough of a return IN MY OWN PERSONAL ENJOYMENT of doing it for myself that it is worth it. I actually think this WOULD BE THE CASE in this instance. Now the thing is, that the $600 for the course is ALOT MORE than it would cost to take a slew of dance classes for myself!

So I am always weighing those options. But the other piece is that I COULD DO THIS without having to BATTLE with WESTELY over sitting, or over TIME AWAY etc... So it would be LESS AGGREVATION. And it COULD end up in honing writing skills which JUST MIGHT result in additional personal income. (That is indeed the goal- but I want to be realistic in that it is one not all writers attain despite effort and talent!)

I in fact was VERY tempted to just mail in my registration yesteday INSTEAD of taking the trip to Buffalo. But then I judged I HAD TO GO as I thought it VERY IMPORTANT to continue to address an issue with WESTELY that going yesteday did!

HE FREAKED out when I took the girls LAST TIME and hadn't consulted with him ahead of time. Therefore I thought it ALL THE MORE IMPORTANT to assert myself that I DO NOT AGREE that I NEED HIS "PERMISSION" or that he has to have KNOWLEDGE any time I take our girls for a drive WHEN IT DOESN'T AFFECT HIS SCHEDULE OR HIS PLANS.

He asserts he HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW THEIR WEARABOUTS AT ALL TIMES and he says its a matter of safety.

I told him I have a right to do things without his anxiety interfereing with my right to enjoyment! He is mad I told him AFTER THE FACT last night of our day trip.

I actually STARTED to tell him in the AM. I DID tell him "I'm going to take a day trip with the girls and find something to do."

He said "Maybe I can take off a few days later this week and we can go somewhere together. Maybe we could visit someone "
I said "That would be great! I's like to go see Jordan and take the girls to the Strong Museum"

He said "MAybe we can get a hotel for a night "

and then he left for the airport. As he was driving off I thought
"Damn, too late ! I should have asked him to leave me my car and take the truck"
as the truck is SHITTY on mileage and with my car it is AFFORDABLE for me to take a drive.

Now at 8am yesteday morning I REALLY hadn't formulated a plan for my day! I just had THE IDEA that if Katerina and SOren were available MAYBE we could visit them. I actually had the IDEA that if they had off school all week too maybe I could bring them HERE to spend a few days HERE IN OUR HOME with the little girls AS IF WE REALLY ARE ALL A FAMILY for a little while! (With Westley the exception of being gone.... as that is the agreement through this school year that they can't have contact with him)

NOW Westely told me that he was going to VA and that he had a dinner meeting with his boss and a co-worker. Typically they meet over dinner and ARE NOT DONE until very LATE! SO I really didn't expect him to call me until around 10pm.

However he in fact skipped dinner for some reason, and was at our house in VA and called here at 6pm. I looked at the call log and he then called back at 7pm. Then he called at least every fifteen minutes freaked out we didn't answer. So basically HE WAS AN ANXIOUS MESS.

Now he complained it was inconsiderate of me and he wants a behavior change of me not taking the girls off on any long trips without his prior knowledge. I told him then maybe he needs to change HIS BEHAVIOR and NOT TRY TO THWART OR BE UNSUPPORTIVE OF ME TAKING THEM TO SEE KATERINA AND SOREN.

That was the issue I really needed to address! At one point he said "I don't want them going there"

and I said "Right, just like YOUR PARENTS who KEPT YOU FROM YOUR OLDER SIBLINGS AND STILL ATTEMPT TO CONTROL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER"

He has given EVERY EXCUSE as to why I shouldn't go. I have addressed EVERY ONE OF HIS SO CALLED LEGITIMATE CONCERNS:

He's claimed "I don't want them eating food or drink from there. I don't trust the water in Buffalo. There is a reason they have the highest national rates of health problems"

I responded by bringing our own food-- SO HE CAN'T USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE

He claims "I don't want the girls influenced by the older kids manipulative grandmother and father. I don't want my kids to ever go in that house"

I have honored that. NO PROBLEM THE KIDS RELATIONSHIP IS WITH KATERINA AND SOREN, NOT KATERINA and SOREN's OTHER FAMILY And I AM OK with that

HE has claimed "ITS MY CAR AND I DIDN"T GIVE PERMISSION"

I debunked that by taking MY CAR. I actually FORGOT when thinking that I should have asked him to LEAVE my car yesteday morn that I have ASked him to do so MANY TIMES WHEN HE GOES TO THE AIRPORT FOR EXTENDED TRAVEL and he always claimed "I CAN'T , The truck doesn't fit in the parking garage"

I totally FORGOT ABOUT THAT BS EXCUSE. It didn't really DAWN ON ME that was a control mechanism as he HAS FEAR OF MY MOBILITY when he is not CONTROLLING IT.... that is until last night when on the phone he complained of me taking his car and I said "I DIDN'T TAKE YOURS I TOOK MINE"

ANd he asked "HOW?"

and I told him "WHen I had the idea of going and checked my finances I realized I could ONLY GO if I used my car as I coudln't afford the gas otherwise. So I drove to the airport and switched cars. The girls knew we could only go if we found my car, and we did"

So for the $1.50 it cost and the 30 minutes or so it took to drive around the lots (Syracuse is a SMALL AIRPORT) and thanks to the help of the sign that said "ROOF PARKING ONLY" it wasn't really that hard and was a worthwhile venture!

I ONLY CALLED to ask to get KAterina and SOREN AFTER I HAD MY CAR AND KNEW I COULD AFFORD THE TRIP!

OTHER GOOD NEWS I ALSO READ MY MANUAL TO DOUBLE CHECK FUEL REQUIREMENTS and there it said

"OPTIMAL PREFORMANCE OF ENGINE DESIGNED FOR 91 OCTANE, LOWEST ADVISED 87 OCTANE"

So not only it my car better on mileage, but I just discovered I DON"T HAVE TO CONTINUE TO GET THE EXPENSIVE GAS ALL THE TIME!! YAH!!! As it is now six years old and we planned on getting seven years out of it I am pretty comfortable putting in 87 ocatane and trusting it won't destroy it!!

My gas cost was $38 round trip in MY CAR as oppossed to almost TWICE THAT in the truck! That's TWICE AS MANY TRIPS TO BUFFALO!!! YAH!!!

So when Westely asked "You brought the truck in the garage?"
and I said "YES"
and he asked "It fit?"
and I said "YES" I ONLY THEN RECALLED that EVERY TIME I ASKED HIM TO SWITCH THE CARS IN THE PAST HE CLAIMED HE COULDN"T AS THE TRUCK WOULDN'T FIT IN THE GARAGE.

MYTH DEBUNKED (Whether it was contrived as a control move on his part or not I will never REALLY KNOW... but I DID NOTE that the DENALI is a POPULAR VEHICAL and THERE WERE OTHERS in the GARAGE, so considering he is an observant student of anthropology who notices details... I am a bit suspicious of why he claimed it didn't fit in the garage in the past! Although that thought didn't occur to me UNTIL last night's conversation)

Basically ALL HIS CRAP that he has spewed has BEEN ADDRESSED effectively-- which is why I felt I HAD TO PUSH THE POINT AND GET TO THE REAL ISSUE

WHICH IS HIS ATTEMPT TO CONTROL THE RELATIONSHIP OF OUR CHILDREN WITH MY CHILDREN, and his DESIRE to keep them seperate.

The same desire his MOTHER had in relation to his Father's children and their mututal children.

I am PLEASED to have cut through all the OTHER CRAP to be able to call this what it REALLY IS: A CONTROL MOVE On his part and to try to discover WHY and point out to him THIS IS A LEARNED BEHAVIOR PATTERN and that I think HE SHOULD CONSIOUSLY HAVE A BEHAVIOR CHANGE so that he SUPPORTS ME AND ALL THE CHILDREN IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS rather than try to THWART THEM.

His response to that was "I'll quit my job and we can all move back to VA. I came to NY TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU TO SEE YOUR KIDS. DON"T ABUSE THAT!"

"Abuse that? How is seeing them more ofen abusing that??"

HE said something like " If you want to be difficult I'll make it difficult for you. I'll quit tommorrow morning and we'll all head right back to VA"

THE RESORT TO THREATS WHEN HE FEELS OUT OF CONTROL. THREATS THAT I KNOW ARE NONSENSICAL AND MEANINGLESS.

But they REVEAL HIS TOTAL FEELING OF BEING LOST WHEN HE IS NOT THE ONE IN CONTROL OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO HE WANTS DESPERATELY TO LOVE HIM.

THE DANCE HE ATTEMPTS TO ENTER INTO OF BEING CONTROLLING IN THE TWISTED METHOD OF TRYING TO HOLD ON TO SOMEONE HE WANTS CLOSE SO HE FEELS THREATEDED BY THE PERSON LOVING ANYONE OTHER THAN HIMSELF!

Which is precisely WHY I DON"T ENTER INTO ANY DISCUSSIONS OR GIVE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO THWART PLANS FOR MYSELF AND/OR THE KIDS!

When given the opportunity he will be controlling! When not given the opportunity he can be MAD AFTER THE FACT, but that is INFINATELY BETTER THAN HIM BEING DISRUPTIVE AND ATTEMPTING TO BE CONTROLLING WHEN WE ARE GOING OFF TO DO SOMETHING!

HE in fact has stopped some of those controlling habits. HE really has gotten better at NOT BEING DISRUPTIVE and NOT CREATING A SCENE when I am about to go off somewhere. Its taken years to get to that point! However he NOW DOESN"t DO IT IN RELATION TO ME, but in relation to the little girls bu NOT APPROVING when I want to take them on trips and giving excuses like "It's not safe to drive in winter weather" etc.... That's just bull. He knows he can't be controlling of me, and he in fact HAS BEEN GOOD about watching the girls when I take off to visit the others. BUT HE ACTS LIKE HE HAS TO APPROVE EVERYTHING I DO WITH THE LITTLE GIRLS and that is just BS.

I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD HAVE SOME FAITH AND TRUST IN MY JUDGEMENT

I also am annoyed that he told me ONLY SUNDAY NIGHT that he was traveling! He typically tells me AHEAD of time. This time he didn't which disrupted my work schedule. A CONTOL MOVE? PERHAPS.... ESPECIALLY IN LIGHT OF THE FACT HE DID NOT HAVE A DINNER MEETING IN VA ON MON NIGHT BUT REALLY ONLY NEEDED TO BE THERE TUE MORN. HE COULD HAVE FLOWN OUT TUE MORN... but by flying out MON might he KNEW THAT I COULDN'T GO TO WORK!

I think that could have been intentional on his part! In the past he has caught a flight at 6am and they have been GREAT about me leaving work EARLY (EVEN ON SHORT NOTICE)

I did end up calling into work. I also unfortunately did so late! I really hoped to get back and get the girls in bed and call up a co-worker who was not on who said she might be able to cover MONDAYS for me when he has to travel. I forgot to bring her # with me and therefore couldn't call her OOPS! So I did screw up there... I hoped to get back from Buffalo ALOT EARLIER !(AS ALWAYS MY TRAVEL TOOK LONGER...LATER TO LEAVE THAN I HOPED... AND LATER TO GET BACK as whenever anyone has to go potty its a LONG stop to get ALL FOUR GIRLS in and out of the bathroom and car! We had a few stops! )
At least this time I WAS ON TIME to pick up the kids on that end of the trip since it was planned last moment and I called them when we were ALREADY 1/2 hr AWAY from home AFTER WE ALL TOOK a REST STOP! So then it was easy to get there on time as the girls slept! We met the kids at 5pm and dropped them back home at 7:15pm.

After switching back the car at the airport (which I did so if Westely HADN"T called and asked what we did... it was POSSIBLE he WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED and that was ALSO OK WITH ME! ), it was 10:45 pm by the time I pulled into my driveway and then called work! I felt badly to have stiffed them. I told the team leader I honestly made a day trip and screwed up thinking I would be back MUCH EARLIER and now haven't a sitter as hubby is out of town! I also told him I am available later this week if that helps to make up for it!)

At least this is the FIRST TIME I HAD TO CALL IN (without calling ahead of time! I called off only once before when Westely and the kids were all very ill!)

I SHOULD HAVE JUST CALLED IN ON SUN for the MONDAY SHIFT but I was so hopeful that I would get someone to cover for me!(Which is much preferred!) Then I really just forgot about it in my excitment of seeing the kids ... and in NOT WORRYING ABOUT IT AS I KNOW A FEW CO-WORKERS REALLY WANT HOURS SO ITS PRETTY EASY TO GET COVERAGE! SEE... GOOD MANAGEMENT... TREAT EMPLOYEES REALLY WELL WITH OUTSTANDING BENEFITS, BUT KEEP ENOUGH PART TIMERS HUNGRY FOR HOURS SO YOU DON'T GO INTO OVER TIME AND DON"t HAVE STAFFING SHORTAGES... but that's another topic

I am REALLY happy with the management at my particular work place. They really are professional and consistent and I believe fair. I also liked that when I saw a co-worker actually SHOPLIFTING and I reported it, that it was SO EASY for them to check it out without making it uncomfortable for anyone! They have CAMERAS so the team leader just reports the incident to the SECURITY folks who then follow up. AND THE COOL PART is that no one ever heard anything about this... but the employee just hasn't been around. I respect the fact the management are PROFESSIONAL and do their job with COURTOUSY as I think the dude did deserve to be fired, but I also think it really isn't the business of the rest of the employees. I think to share those unfortunate incidents is SOMETIMES done as a preventative measure, but I think it is nice they do so WITH TACT and don't feel it necessary to NAME THE DUDE that was fired (and a few people come and go) I guess I think it is just makes it a more comfortable workplace and projects a positive attitude as they aren't telling all the stories of the screw ups all the time, but instead focus on the positive, and have respect for privacy of individuals (even the ones who screw up! )

I am so happy to have received the VAlentine gift of $100 from my parents which enabled the day trip and the opportunity TO REALLY ADDRESS the real concerns I have with Westely. And for him to address his REAL concern with ME! HE did tell me I HAD AGREED to not take the little girls on LONG DRIVES without his knowledge and he pointed out that "YOU'll GO ANYWAY EVEN IF I DON"T WANT YOU TO , BUT IT IS SAFER IF I AT LEAST KNOW WHERE YOU ARE"

I did say "OH come on... don't pretend that when we were not home you didn't know where I went!"

HE said "That's not the point."

At some level I think HE IS RIGHT that I SHOULD HAVE RESPECT for that request of his. I guess it NOT UNREASONABLE for him to want to know when we go ON LONG DRIVES. SO that is the specific thing he wants. He said "YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME"

I did tell him I would be more communicative when he had the behavior change of not being controlling and finding every excuse for why I SHOULDN'T GO. I told him its expected couples SUPPORT EACH OTHER .

So Maybe I have the answer-- maybe next time I will leave him a message. I can call his cell phone WHEN I KNOW HE IS BUSY TO LEAVE THE OBLIGATORY MESASGE BUT NOT TO ENTER INTO ANY DISCUSSION OR DEBATE. Not tell him too long ahead of time so that he can't thwart plans or freak out, but also not ignore his request for knowledge and communication COMPLETELY. I can't assume he won't be thinking of us and concerned (as I assumed he wouldn't be interested UNTIL DONE WITH WORK At around 9 or 10 pm! HE was in fact interesed at 6pm!)

It just seems so inconsistent to me as in the past I took off to WEST VA to go to a CHILDREN"S MUSEUM, and to go to HARPERS FERRY for the day, and counless other places in VA where I would take day trips with the kids. I NEVER ONCE TOLD HIM ABOUT THEM AHEAD OF TIME and HE NEVER ONCE COMPLAINED

So I KNOW THAT HIS CLAIM IS IN PART BS BUT THEN AGAIN The weather here IS DIFFERENT and IS A THREAT IF INCLEMENT. I haven't taken off on stormy days though!

So we have to continue the dialogue to try to REALLY get to the REAL issues and hope to meet a happy compromise! But I really think that his anxiety and control issues are his to deal with and that while I can compromise in communicating more, I will not compromise by NOT DOING the things that I want to do WITH OR WITHOUT THE KIDS which ARE REASONABLE! He will have to at some point recognize that some of his issues ARE REALLY JUST HIS OWN ANXIETY TO MANAGE and that he can't manage me to overcome his anxiety! (And that Really in trying to he doesn't even touch on the REAL PROBLEM as it's internal to him and he will continue to carry it no matter what!)

ANd I think he has SOME legitimacy in complaining about me not communicating.. but only insofar as it is selfish and not respectful of him AS IN THE TIMES HE EXPECTS TO MEET ME OR THE GIRLS AND WE ARE NOT THERE. Hmmm... but there HAVE NEVER BEEN ANY TIMES LIKE THAT! HE only complained when we WERE NOT HOME on the occasssions when HE SAID HE ALSO WOULDN"T be home and then he arrived home hours EARLIER Than we expected him and THEN HE COMPLAINED we were not around! Those were HIS COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS .. once again... no lack of consideration on my part when we returned home at 10:10 pm a few weeks back and HE TOLD ME HE'D BE IN AT MIDNIGHT!

Westley is angered that he says "YOU PROMISED NOT TO DO THIS AGAIN" I in fact did promise I wouldn't be inconsiderate. MAybe I also did agree to tell him our plans, but I won't ever agree to requiring permission OF BOTH HE AND I Before making any plans for the girls as he wants me to agree to! I had told him I think that is just ridiculous! I told him I DID AGREE not to go on long drives with them without letting him know-- and he is RIGHT that I didn't honor that agreement. So as I see it that is the one legitimate gripe he has with me. However I didn't honor that as I don't believe that is REALLY THE REAL ISSUE. I think that is just A DISRTACTION that he is using as a CONTROL MECHANISM.

HIS REAL CONCERN, and HIS REAL FEAR is the complaint about me bringing them to interact with their half siblings and that is not a complaint or concern I am willing to enter into discussion about unless he does so HONESTLY. AND THEN if he is honest he will realize HE HAS FEARS that somehow if his kids are loved and love others they won't be as dependent on him! The fear is somewhow if they are not dependent on him that he won't be loved-- since his only example of love when growing up was that which was of that nature. (I read a great insight in some PARENTING BOOK Maybe POSTIVE DISCIPLINE FOR PRESCHOOLER'S that said parents who thwart children's growth by doing too much for them, and by being too controlling end up with children who grow into adults that try to control others to do things FOR THEM by ordering or manipulating BASED ON THE MISTAKEN BELIEF THAT THE ONLY EXPRESSION OF LOVE IS WHEN SOMEONE IS DEPENDENT ON YOU! SO they alternate between controlling others, and seeking others to CARE FOR THEM by DOING THINGS FOR THEM even when they could do them themselves! They end up in essense the NEEDY CONTROLLERS of the world!)

To me whether the kids all interact with each other is NOT NEGOTIABLE! That is NOT SOMETHING THAT HE HAS ANY RIGHT TO EVEN ASK. IT IS IN FACT OUT OF HIS CONTROL THAT HIS CHILDREN HAVE RELATIONOSHIPS WITH OTHERS, INCLUDING THEIR HALF SIBLINGS! IT is out of his control THAT THEY WILL LOVE AND BE LOVED BY OTHERS, and THAT THEY WILL NOT BE DEPENDENT ON HIM. Of course as children they are dependent on BOTH PARENTS to care for them when children! So there is some NATURAL dependency now. Ironically Westley always totes that a parent has really done their job well if they raise independet children. HE is SO RIGHT in that, yet at the same time he seems to be unaware of the fact that he at times ACTS LIKE HE HIMSELF is AFRAID of this ultimate end of parenting.

And he seems so unaware of how he at time STILL ACTS in ways that seem to me SO PROSCRIBED by his mother! Even to the point of having taken on HER FEARS and HER ISSUES when he took on the responsibility of being a step parent.

His fears seem to be much the same as hers. The fear that their beloved will love someone else and jealousy of that shared love! EVEN TO THE POINT OF JEALOUSY OF CHILDREN.

THat is the root of his fears most of all! THe control of ME is out of his FEAR of losing me in some way! Thus the remark that snapped out when he said something last week like "your bofriend..." in relation to MY EX HUSBAND.

I did tell WESTELY that he DOES HAVE GREAT ANXIETY when he doesn't know where we are and I try to be Consious and respectful of that! I said "IS it better to tell you when we go somewhere so you can be a nervous wreck THE WHOLE TIME? or wait until after the fact so you can only be angry rather than worried, nervous and angry? I figured I would save you the anxiety by NOT TELLING YOU"

Westley answered "ITs mine to manage! ITs up to me to decide"

And I think fundamentally HE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

IT is HIS ANXIETY TO MANAGE. IF HE WANTS ME TO TELL HIM BEFORE I GO ANYWHERE WITH THE GIRLS I WILL. HOW HE REACTS IS REALLY HIS ISSUE. BUT WHETHER I GO OR NOT IS MY CONCERN, EXCEPT INSOFAR AS IT INTERFERES WITH ANY OF HIS PLANS.

AND I NEED TO JUST NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE CONRTOLLED BY HIS ANXIETY AND FEARS.

I think I HAVE DONE WELL AT THAT.

I hope someday HE TOO WILL LEARN NOT TO BE CONTROLLED BY HIS ANXIETY AND FEARS.

I THINK HE HAS LEARNED THAT IN RELATION TO ME IN MANY WAYS ACTUALLY... BUT NOW I THINK HE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT IN RELATION TO THE GIRLS.

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