2006-04-20 - 9:03 p.m.

I've been offline for the past week as I awaited my new wireless access point which arrived today. I had bought one at Computer City then went home and set it up and went on line to my bank account to balance it. I THEN HAD THAT OOPS MOMENT of discovering I had spent beyond my means! I would never have PLANNED to do such a tacky thing as BORROW a piece of equiptment from a store, use it and then RETURN IT-- however under the circumstance of balancing my acct and discovering a significant math error-- that was EXACTLY WHAT I ENDED UP DOING! Upon discovering my error I immediately headed to E-BAY where I thankfully won a competetive auction that night at 7:30 pm after NOT winning a few others for the same thing earlier that day! WHEW! I CAN AFFORD the price I found on E- BAY which was about 2/3 what I had paid on sale. I headed out to the store with kids in tow that night so as to not risk bouncing any of the many checks I had just sent out!

Thankfully my refund of all the fun stuff I THOUGHT I COULD AFFORD covered all my bills!

I was disappointed to have to return the AMAZING memory stick reader mouse that I found on clearance CHEAPER than what one went for on EBAY! OH WELL... that was a great deal. Westley however CLAIMS that in the past he had given me a memory stick to use and I never was interested in using it so he had taken it back! I think he is mistaken... I recall him asking why I never use the digital camera and my response that it was a pain as I had to BORROW his computer to get the images! (HE HATES ME BORROWING ANYTHING OF HIS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE! THAT's ANOTHER REASON FOR MY INSISTANCE ON USING MY OLD FASHIONED SLR AND NOT THE DIGITAL CAMERA-- HE REALLY DOES HAVE DIFFICULTY SHARING SO IT JUST ISN'T WORTH HIM LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER SPEWING INSTRUCTIONS AND MICRO MANAGING MY HOBBY!)

So although I was disappointed to return that memory stick reading mouse which is just a cool product from SONY, I AM HAPPY that Westley said HE DOES HAVE A MEMORY STICK READER FOP ME. Now provided he is REASONABLE in granting me use of it, that would be a good thing!

A few weeks ago I clipped this article and put it on Westely's desk

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/20060402/lf_ucda/husbandisdesperatetohealemotionalwoundsheinflicted;_ylt=At0WDZr7DZfyl10oyKczTTLNbbUC;_ylu=X3oDMTBjMHVqMTQ4BHNlYwN5bnN1YmNhdA--

I had thought it was an interesting letter that would be food for thought.

Westley got upset when he saw it and threw it at me from his study and told me not to go into his study. I told him I just wanted to give him the article as I thought it was a good article and I thought he would agree with me. HE reiterated that he wants me to stay out of his study. I mentioned that he had ASKED ME TO GO IN TO FILE RECEIPTS and said I was only trying to have SOME COMMUNICATION with him that I felt was VERY IMPORTANT. HE said he wasn't interested and I said "So what should I do in the future- MAIL IT TO YOU? Would you then take it?"

I was really angry that he refused to acknowledge and talk about the article respectfully. I did recognize he was being DEFENSIVE though.

So I stick the article in an envelope and put it in the mailbox. And then I forgot about it. The article remained there until this week when I took out the mail (We had it stopped when we were all suppossed to go to VA! SO I hadn't used the box all last week.)

I had forgotten all about the article. So I didn't really THINK ABOUT the PARTICULARS of the conversation from a week ago when I saw the envelope and stuck it on his desk with the rest of his mail!

When he came home and sat down and read the mail I was therefore a bit surprised when he yelled out "*#@^ #&*"

I said "What?"

HE said something about the nerve of me harassing him with the article. and said something like "If you want a divorce just go get one"

I said "What are you talking about? A divorce? Where do you get that idea?"

NOW the funny thing is that EARLY yesterday (before getting the mail) I HAD PREVIOUSLY CUT OUT a HUMOROUS article about child rearing I thought he would find funny. HE often does like some of the silly articles in BABY TALK that poke fun at those typical parent moments.....and I REALLY HAD NOT RECALLED ALL THE SPECIFICS OF THE ARTICLE. THE REASON I CLIPPED IT WAS BECAUSE IT STATED THAT THE FIRST STEP IN ADDRESSING A PROBLEM OF ABUSIVENESS IS ACKNOWLEDGING IT and that was what I HAD HOPED TO TALK ABOUT!

IN THE PAST WESTELY HAD IN FACT ACKNOWLEDGED HE HAD ACTED ABUSIVELY AND I WANTED TO THANK HIM FOR THAT SELF AWARENESS AND THE OBVIOUS EFFORT AND CHANGES I HAVE SEEN

Unfortunately in my efforts to bring up that topic IN THE CIRCITUOUS MANNER backfired and he felt ATTACKED and then took the stance "I AM NOT ABUSIVE AND AM SICK OF YOU TRYING TO ACT LIKE I AM, YOUR THE CAUSE OF OUR PROBLEMS"

Now I AM GLAD TO HAVE NOT HEARD THAT ATTITUDE FROM HIM IN A LONG TIME! So I just ignored it recognizing it was really "I AM AFRAID" that I was hearing in the defensive posture! I heard "WHAT IF THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?" and I heard UTTER FEAR at the possibility that HE COULD ACTUALLY BE CONSIDERED TO BE ILL... heck FEAR is his natural response when he thinks he is LESS THAN PERFECT. That reaction is the defensive posture as a result of what I can only imagine was a childhood marred by being attacked and put down and having your faith in yourself shattered so much that ONE MUST ACHIEVE in order to feel good about oneself as only that PERFECTION and ACHIEVEMENT were acknowledged. How horrible to grow up with CONDITIONAL positive attention! IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

THE FEAR and that DEFENSIVE ARGUING THAT I AM THE PROBLEM only recently resurfaced after my mentioning that I thought WESTELY could take THEN NEXT STEP after having ACKNOWLEDGED his problems by SEEKING TREATMENT for them!

That was suggested by me a number of times. When HE READ the letter that was the part that stuck out to him! He made some comment about being sick of me telling him to take medication and I had NO IDEA where he got that from! I literally HAD FORGOTTEN the content of the article that spoke of the DIAGNOSIS of depression as the cause of the letter writer's anger!

Well its sad that Westely is so guarded and RESISTING CHANGE at this point. He has made SUCH PROGRESS and then I think in therapy with the marriage counselor here in NY the whole history of abuse of him as a child was REALLY TAPPED INTO which hasn't happened to that extent before. SO I FEEL LIKE we really hit a point we hadn't before. Its one of those moments which is both EXCITING for its amazing potential, and then SCARY as it possible that FEAR could really be more dominant in WESTELY than LOVE and that he WON"T CONTINUE to GROW IN SELF AWARENESS.

I think however, that whether we WANT TO OR NOT, it is NOT POSSIBLE to avoid growth and avoid love and continue to deceive yourself when OTHERS AROUND YOU TRULY CONTINUE TO LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU AS YOU TRULY ARE AND ALSO MAKE A POINT OF LETTING YOU KNOW THEY RECOGNIZE WHO YOU ARE- BOTH GOOD AND BAD!

What is hopeful to me is that after that moment of feeling threatened by the article that YES I WAS PERSISTANT in being a PAIN in insisting on giving to WESTLEY ! I guess I hadn't realized HE READ IT THE FIRST TIME!

I ALSO HADN't REALIZED THAT THIS WAS THE THIRD TIME I GAVE IT TO HIM! He told me he had thrown it in the trash can and that I took it out and put it BACK ON HIS DESK (I said "REALLY? I think I thought you hadn't seen it and it was there by mistake- thinking one of the girls tossed it or something)

I told WESTLEY that I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM and that he can throw out an article or ignore me, or say he is not interested etc... but that I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PERSISTANT AND ATTEMPT TO TALK ABOUT THINGS WHICH IN FACT ARE ESSENTIAL TO OUR RELATIONSHIP BEING HEALTHY- SUCH AS THE FACT THAT IT IS ABUSIVE TO YELL AT ME!

That is the behavior he doesn't want to have to CHANGE in himself! HE had REDUCED THE BEHAVIOR TREMENDOUSLY however we haven't yet seen total EXTINCTION of it! Westely is trying to DEFEND It at some level as he is upset to HAVE TO GIVE UP THAT HABIT. (although he ALREADY gave up the HABIT and doesn't REGULARLY YELL AT ME AS HABIT... he just is trying to CLING TO THE OLD FAMILIAR BEHAVIOR in a manner which seems to indicate he feels his sense of SELF IS THREATENED by having to have CHANGED IT. BECAUSE TO HAVE SUCCESSFULLY CHANGED IT IS IN SOME WAY TO HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED HE WAS WRONG AND FALLIBLE AND HE JUST CAN"T BEAR THAT THOUGHT! I imagine deep down his ego is just really that fragile and that he really was just so wounded by never being good enough that to EVER ADMIT a FLAW is such a HUGE DEAL TO HIM.

So its interesting to me that when he had ALMOST COMPLETELY ELIMINATED THAT MALADAPTIVE BEHAVIOR and hadn't yelled at me IN A VERY LONG TIME that we then went to his parents at the end of DEC for CHRISTMAS and he then REGRESSED in this toddler fashion of trying to re-establish the old familiar family dysfunction as "MINE MINE MINE!"

SO I ALSO AM PLEASED AT WHAT I SEE AS FURTHER PROGRESS SINCE THAT REGRESSIVE MOMENT AND THIS OVERALL RESISTANT CLINGING TO HIS PAST LATELY OUT OF FEAR, THE FACT THAT THIS EASTER WE DID NOT GO TO HIS PARENTS.

WESTLEY MAY NOT ADMIT IT, BUT HE KNOWS THAT FOR SOME REASON HE IS AT HIS WORST THERE. HE MAY NOT EVER IDENTIFY THE WHOLE FRUEDIAN THING of
"WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR MOTHER?"
which is what I assume is what all of his abuse of me is ABOUT-- some typical TRANSFERENCE ISSUES of ANGER REALLY INSTILLED BY HER , but NOW REFLECTED TO ME as I AM NOW THE WOMEN IN HIS LIFE who replace the FORERLY DOMINANT ONE OF HIS MOTHER.... in the fruedian analysis etc...

ANYWAY... I WAS VERY HAPPY that we were not going to his parents. I had said we should instead try to visit with his older siblings. I WAS ALSO HAPPY That WESTLEY told me to JUST ARRANGE THE PLANS TO VISIT THEM AND HE WOULD BE FINE with WHATEVER I ARRANGED. WHILE I THINK IT WAS A CHALLENGE FOR HIM, WESTLEY WAS ABLE TO RELINQUISH THAT CONRTOL OF PLANNING and I called his oldest brother and sister. Neither were going to be around that weekend before Easter when we intended on traveling but at least they did call us back and we all had a nice chat and plan on visiting them when we go down again this summer. His siblings ALSO TALKED of the fact that his parents NEVER TELL THEM when we are in town and his oldest brother said how his wife gets SO ANGRY at the obvious manipulation! HE said she can't believe how their parents TRY TO KEEP THE KIDS APART! Westely's DAD had the two oldest kids with his first wife who died, and then the three younger ones with WESTELY'S MOTHER(Westely and his two younger sisters). So basically the parents INTENTIONALLY try to orchestrate the lives of their children such that the older two are not around when the younger three are! Its totally messed! (we are not sure if it is BOTH PARENTS or really motivated by ONE and the other just ALLOWS THAT MANIPULATION)

But I told WESTLEY that HE IS AN ADULT and is responsible for his relationships with his siblings and that we really should make greater effort! HE always ASSUMED that when he asked his parents if his older brother was available to visit when we were in town that the message was delivered (as his DAD is very close to his older bro and they talk REGULARLY!)

Westely's older brother told us to CALL HIM and let us know when we go to their folks as then HE WILL COME SEE US THERE!

I however hope to just minimize time at his parents in the future and spend time VISITING HIS SIBLINGS at THEIR HOMES or somewhere else convienient.

Anyway, after the whole article upsetting him IT WAS GREAT that WESTELY did his thing after he asked me to leave him alone, and I DID LEAVE HIM ALONE. I first told him I HAVE A RIGHT TO ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE and ASKED WHEN IT IS A GOOD TIME TO ACTUALLY TALK? IT WAS GREAT THAT EVEN THOUGH HE WAS FLIPPANT AND I KNOW THAT MUCH OF OUR ACTUAL TALK TAKES PLACE IN THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL PATTERN OF GETTING TO THE HEART OF MATTERS IN THE MIDST OF AN ARGUMENT RATHER THAN NORMAL COMMUNICATION OVER A CUP OF COFFEE, IT WAS STILL GREAT TO KNOW THAT I WAS HEARD! HE DID GET THE WHOLE MESSAGE... SO EVEN IF HE DIDN'T VALIDATE AND EMPATHIZE ITS A START!

IT was good that after he did his stuff (bills etc), and after I had gone to bed to take a nap before going to work that Westely came into bed and WAS NOT STILL HARBORING ANGER. HE had clearly LET GO OF THE ISSUE - did his bills and moved on.

HE USED TO HAVE SUCH TROUBLE NOT PERSEVERATING ON BEING ANGRY! HE USED TO HAVE SUCH TROUBLE FORGIVING AND FORGETTING ANYTHING!

So while I KNEW he hadn't tuned the message out from me, and I KNEW he hadn't FORGOTTEN what the main point of it was, I also got the message from WESTLEY THAT HE HAD FELT ATTACKED and that he felt I DISREGARDED HIS FEELINGS BY IGNORING HIM when he said he didn't want the article, by going into his study all the time and not respecting his personal space that he really needs, and by AS HE PUT IT "HARASSING HIM" I KNEW HE FELT ATTACKED AS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I knew he felt NAGGED by me. But MOST OF ALL HE FELT VULNERABLE AND AFRAID. AFRAID OF EXPOSURE TO THE FEELINGS THAT HE WORKS SO HARD TO AVOID RESURFACING. THE WHOLE AVOIDANCE OF INTIMACY AND AVOIDANCE OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS IS THE SAD QUEST TO REMAIN DESENSITIZED AND REMAIN SEPERATED FROM EMOTIONS AS THE PAIN JUST IS TOO OVERWEALMING.

I imagine that it was FEAR and VULNERABILITY that he felt when I was making the marraige counseling appt that he did weasel his way out of! (ONLY BY LEAVING FOR VA WITHOUT ME! Our counselor there puts a Disney tape on for the kids in one room and sees us in the adjacent one so there is NO EXCUSE for not going EVEN IF WE DON'T HAVE A SITTER!)

I ALSO KNOW that the NEXT APPT WE HAVE would be FOLLOWING UP ON THE LAST ONE WE HAD. Since that was THE FIRST TIME HE REALLY DID ADMIT AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXTENT OF HIS BEING PHYSICALLY ABUSED BY HIS PARENTS in recalling "being spanked hundreds of times"
He recalled "being hit with a belt" over and over again.
WHILE HE STILL HAS THE PSYCOLOGICAL BLOCK AND CAN'T YET COME OUT AND SAY IT IN THESE WORDS-- WESTLEY RECALLED BEING BEATEN OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

AND HE HASN"T YET FULLY ADDRESSED THIS REALIZATION-- THAT HIS PARENTS ABUSED HIM, THAT HE IS A VICTIM OF CHILD ABUSE- both physical and psycological.

HOWEVER, I UNDERSTAND THAT HIS RESISTANCE OF LATE IS IN RESPONSE TO HIS MEMORIES HAVING COME TO SURFACE. HE RECALLED THE REALITY AND IS TRYING TO AVOID FACING THE PAIN OF IT.

ANGER somehow is a means that he has of subconsiously being in CONTROL of his emotions such that he BLOCKS out any intimacy that could result in PAIN.

HOWEVER, HE REMEMBERED AND IN THAT MOMENT INDEED DID FEEL THAT PAIN. A NERVE WAS INDEED STRUCK by the counselor in NY we were seeing.

THE FACT OF HIS REMEMBERING AND ACKNOWLEDGING HIS PAST TO ME IN SUCH DETAIL WAS INDEED A BREAKTHROUGH.(He continued to discuss his childhood after we left that appointment when we were home that night)

So the fact that only about a half hour or hour after the article being forced on him AGAIN... WESTELY came to bed and was AFFABLE AND NOT ANGRY is REALLY A RECORD FOR HIM in letting go of being upset!

Last night I then went to work at 10:30. I came home at 4:30 am as Westley had to catch a flight for work at 5:50 am. He called me today as he was in a CRACKER BARREL for dinner and he wanted to know what my dress size is. I laughed as when he called I had been sizing up a pile of laundry and considering doing the unthinkable: IRONING SHIRTS FOR HIM! (I have ironed perhaps five or six.... that's in six years of marriage)

I commented "See we do love each other and do nice things for each other SOMETIMES. Unfortunately its usually WHEN WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. Isn't that sad we get along best when not together?"

NOW ON TO THE REALLY IMPORTANT NEWS! I intended on writing about this FIRST but got sidetracked...

KATERINA WAS ACCEPTED INTO THE GIFTED MATH PROGRAM!!!

I AM JUST SO THRILLED FOR HER!
SHE IS SO PROUD OF HER HARD WORK AS SHE DID IN FACT STUDY FOR THE TESTING FOR IT DILIGENTLY! I AM SO THRILLED THAT HER DAD SUPPORTED HER IN THIS. HE REALLY DID TAKE A MORE ACTIVE ROLE IN ENCOURAGING HER AND WORKING WITH HER ON HER PRACTICING HER MATH SKILLS. HER GRANDMOTHER ALSO STEPPED UP TO PLATE AND WAS POSITIVE ABOUT IT! (And I figured out what her weird encoraging the Buffalo PREP program INSTEAD OF THIS ONE WAS ALL ABOUT-- The Buffalo Prep program entails THE SIX WEEK SUMMER PROGRAM, whereas the GIFTED MATH PROGRAM only meets DURING THE YEAR for the actual math classes at the University. They BOTH meet the same day of the week so it APPEARS there is indeed a conflict and that it MIGHT mean that KATERINA would not be able to participate in BOTH but would have to CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM. She SAID IF SO SHE MOST DEFINATELY WOULD CHOOSE THE GIFTED MATH PROGRAM which is much more competetive and nationally recognized and a feeder for the best universitys! But what the kicker is for Grandma is this-- if that happens then THERE IS NO REASON THAT KATERINA CAN'T COME TO STAY WITH ME FOR THE SUMMER AS LONG AS HER FATHER IS COMFORTABLE WITH THAT!!! THE SETTLEMENT PERIOD ENDS THIS JUNE!! YAH!!! AND I THINK INDEED KATERINA AND SOREN'S FATHER WILL BE REASONABLE AS HE DID SAY IN THE PAST "This is just for now...we'll see what happens later." and other things that indicate he won't give me a hard time about REAL VISITATION and having them come with us.

I asked Katerina if she would like to spend summer with us and she was ESTATIC at the notion! I asked if she wanted to see WESTELY TOO and she said "YES." and then we talked in greater detail about her relationship with him and she indeed was not at all AFRAID of spending time with him as well. She still talks of him fondly and NORMALLY whenever she talks UNLESS I BRING UP when HE WAS ABUSIVE TO HER and then she talks frankly about that but not with great fear as she recognizes that I wouldn't allow him to act that way and she knows that if he were to do so again he would end up in jail! She is pretty confident (as was the judge!) that he wouldn't take that risk and WE ALL BELIEVE THAT HE DID HAVE CONTROL OF HIMSELF when he was WILLFULLY ABUSIVE and as such WILL WILLFULLY CHOOSE NOT TO BE ABUSIVE IN THE FUTURE NOW THAT IT IS CLEAR HE WON'T GET AWAY WITH THAT BEHAVIOR rather than risk throwing away EVERYTHING HE CURRENTLY HAS IN HIS LIFE!

To be honest, I think WESTLEY is MORE AFRAID OF HIMSELF than Katerina or anyone else is... AT TIMES HE is AFRAID that he WON"T HAVE THAT CONTROL at some point and that HE WOULD THROW IT ALL AWAY simply because of not having that self control and not being able to overcome the violent demon he has been and has the potential to be. I THINK THAT BEING A PART OF HIMSELF INDEED SCARES HIM AS MUCH AS ANYONE.

So he goes through those moments of FEAR saying that he doesn't want Katerina and SOREN to come with us. But then he has moments of being NORMAL and of MISSING THEM which he DOES AT TIMES and of saying that I should ask their DAD to take them to VA, and then if they say no then at least have them here with us.

When I asked Katerina if she would like that if it is possible she was thrilled. SHE WOULD LOVE TO COME TO VA! SHe then said "OH NO! I forgot about Buffalo Prep!" and she looked SO DISAPPOINTED. I told her, "Buffalo Prep is an incredible program and a great opportunity that I think you should do. We can arrange for you to visit before or after it though."

She seemed so disappointed.
I said that in support of the program and being positive that it would be worthwhile even if it meant she got less time IN THAT SUMMER with me. I EMPHASIZED THAT THE SETTLEMENT WAS ENDING AND THAT IT LIKLEY THAT SHE AND SOREN COULD STAY AT MY HOUSE WEEKENDS AND THERE WOULD BE THE WEEK VACATION AT CHRISTMAS AND SPRING BREAKS SO I ANTICIPATED THAT I COULD SEE MORE OF THEM ONCE THIS SETTLEMENT PERIOD WAS OVER"

What I DID"T SAY was that IF INDEED CITY HONORS IS THE BEST PLACE FOR KATERINA FOR HIGH SCHOOL THEN IT WOULD BE STUPID FOR HER TO MISS TIME WITH ME FOR A PROGRAM DESIGNED TO PLACE KIDS ON SCHOLARSHIP AT THE PAROCHIAL HIGH SCHOOLS! IF INDEED SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN THE PRIVATE SCHOOLS BUT WANTS TO GO TO CITY HONORS, THEN SHE DOESN"T NEED BUFFALO PREP! AND IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEN HER GRANDMOTHER ENCORAGING IT OVER THE OTHER PROGRAM IS MOTIVATED BY WHAT IS IN IT FOR HER-- AN EXCUSE TO NOT HAVE KATERINA COME TO MY HOME IN THE SUMMER. I LEFT THAT ALL UNSAID ALTHOUGH I THOUGHT ABOUT IT!

GRANDMOTHER ALREADY INFORMED ME THAT SOREN IS EXCITED ABOUT HIS SUMMER PROGRAM AT THE THEATER. BUT HE'S AT THE PREFORMING ARTS SCHOOL ALL YEAR SO THAT HARDLY SEEMS LIKE A VIABLE REASON FOR HIM NOT TO COME WITH ME IN THE SUMMER! I mean its not like he is not going to have an equivalent opportunity elsewhere (UNLIKE THE GIFTED MATH PROGRAM WHICH INDEED IS SOMETHING THAT IS MORE RARE! I THINK THAT INDEED IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR KATERINA WHICH IS UNIQUE AND WORTH HER BEING THERE DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR FOR!)

Its great that they are planning ahead and have the kids busy in the summer, but it really is irritating that their Grandmother ASSUMES that the kids would remain there during the summer time!

Anyway, I called their DAD as I wanted to talk to him about NORMAL visitation and having the kids with me for the summer. He however didn't answer and I didn't leave a message regarding this. I have to call him to discuss this soon and hope he is reasonable. The kids want to come! I can't imagine him blocking them from spending time with us for longer than was necessary for him to win custody. HE DID WANT TO WIN CUSTODY and indeed he couldn't do so UNLESS HE PLAYED IT THAT THE KIDS WERE AFRAID TO BE IN MY HOME WITH EVIL COUNT OLOFF.... However he now will RETAIN custody EVEN IF HE ACTS REASONABLE ABOUT VISITATION AND NOW ACTS LIKE THE KIDS ARE NO LONGER AFRAID... etc.

I think he'll realize the utlity of that position of his is over and that there really is no point in continuing the farce.
HIS MOTHER HOWEVER IS A DIFFERENT STORY. SHE INDEED IS THE ONE WHO WILL CONTINUE TO DISCOURAGE THE KIDS SPENDING SUMMER WITH ME SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE IS TOTALLY SELFISH.

Anyway, June 9th is the experation of the period of the banning of Count Oloff with visitations "As agreed upon by both parties" after that time frame. So in essence what happens is up to the kids DAD AND I as we were the only parties to the custody battle! Its up to us, and I hope that we can keep the meddling mother, ex mother in law out of it effecively. (That means I hope we effectively combat her negative and persistant manipulation of the children as we both effectively did in relation to Katerina and the Gifted Math Program!)

Now the TRICKY PART ABOUT TEAM WORK WITH MY EX IN COMBATING HIS OVERLY CONTROLLING MOTHER IN RELATION TO OUR CHILDREN IS THAT OF COURSE WE WILL NEVER ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT THAT AS THE REALITY OF WHAT WE HAVE TO DO !

IN other news:

DID I MENTION YET THAT SOREN GOT A LEAD IN A PLAY HE AUDITIONED FOR?? YAH!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT IN MAY!

I ALSO HAD A MOST WONDERFUL VISIT WITH KATERINA FOR A FEW NIGHTS WHEN I DID PICK HER UP AND BRING HER TO MY HOME WHEN WESTLEY WAS IN VA. WESTELY HAD TOLD ME THERE WERE "A BUNCH OF CHECKS FOR YOU" Indeed there were! They were back due support, and I guess a judge also could slam some penalty of an INCREASE in payments based on WHAT HE THOUGHT MY EX SHOULD HAVE BEEN EARNING. They can in fact do that with true deadbeats who are considered to have been WILLFULLY UNDEREMPLOYED TO AVOID PAYING SUPPORT! Can you even IMAGINE someone INTENTIONALLY MAKING LESS MONEY SO THEY HAVE LESS TO SUPPORT THEIR KIDS WITH?? THAT REALLY MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER...
But in any case, I indeed DID HAVE CHECKS THAT I EXCITEDLY HEARD ABOUT AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DECIDED WOULD BE GAS MONEY TO AND FROM BUFFALO! Soren already had an overnight planned that day with a friend from school so I only picked up Katerina. It was SO WONDERFUL to spend time with her AT HOME! We went to the library and I let her stock up on reading as I can get the books from her to return to the libary when I visit her next month and I can renew them so they won't be due before then. SHE WAS SO THRILLED! That was the one thing SHE REALLY WANTED TO DO as she said no one has taken her to the library. I took her to the store to buy buttons to sew on the dress she made for Raitlin last summer which she never finished! She gave it to her for Christmas all done except for the missing buttons as she hadn't put them on but had lost them in her luggage somewhere after returning from my parent's in FL. My mom was SO THRILLED when KAterina asked her to help her make a dress for one of her little sisters. She made it thinking it would be for whoever it fit at Christmas time! Katerina also enjoyed baking a birthday cake for Soren. Then on Friday we drove to Buffalo and picked up SOREN and went to a park where we had a picnic meal and birthday cake in celebration of his birthday. I had asked him what he wanted for his Birthday and he had said a CD player as his old one broke. I had been pleased to find a combination CD MP3 player for him one night on my break at work.

So we had a wonderful visit. We then went to the art gallery but had to promptly leave as unfortunately Katerina was in great pain suddenly from a toothache which I surmise is a cavity that the super sweet cake and Easter candy she ate aggrevated.

I had told my EX in DEC that I was going to take the kids to an Eye Dr for a check up as they were due. He said not to, that he had insurance now and would bring them. He hasn't done so. I have to follow up on that! I think I will just BRING THEM MYSELF when I visit with them next! It will be a few hundred dollars but DONE. That seems Easier to me than trying to manage him- something I never would even attempt when I WAS MARRIED to him so why should I want to try to manage his responsibilities now? I'll jsut take care of MY RESPONSIBILITIES!
So I need to do that.

And I might ALSO take the kids to a dentist. That will be EASY for me to do as one of my best friends in Buffalo has a DAD who is a dentist and I am SURE he'll fit them in. In fact I also have a connnection of another one of my good friend's whose MOTHER is an eye dr! I can bring the kids to her I am SURE! (I did so in the past actually! Katerina saw her when she was four years old! ) The thing is that my friend Rosita who is a social worker asked "KAterina, why are you squinting?" and noted that SHE THINKS SHE NEEDS GLASSES. MIRACULOUSLY KATERINA WORE GLASSES WHEN SHE WAS WITH ME, BUT THAT FIRST YEAR WHEN SHE STAYED IN BUFFALO SHE WENT TO AN EYE DR WHO SAID HER VISION IMPAIRMENT IS SO SUBTLE THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WEAR THEM ALL THE TIME BUT ONLY IF SHE WANTS TO. THAT WAS TRANSLATED INTO THEM BEING OPTIONAL... and her DAD Has not had her wear glasses since.

OK- SO SHE NOW HAS A CAVITY, HASN't been to a Dentist in two years, HAS gone from a girls size 12 to a JUNIORS SIZE 14, and no longer wears glasses but I suspect has vision that is getting worse from eye strain! KAterina is a beautiful as ever and really carries that additional weight well but I worry about it being not as HEALTHY for her in the long run to be overweight. I worry most of all about the diabetes risk in her family as her grandmother and great grandmother both had diabetes and she is VERY SEDENTARY compared to when she lived with me and was more active. I also know they don't have the healthiest diet.

OH well.... Overall though both Katerina and Soren are in good health and are happy and doing very well.

And in other summer plans, in then end of May my parents are coming to NY to visit us here. I am working on trying to convince my hermit brother who lives with them to come here to visit the weekend Soren's play is up. If I could convince him to come I think he would enjoy going to see Soren's play with me and would enjoy a visit with all of us. In early June I have my fifteenth year class reunion at Canisius College. Scary to think I am out of college for fifteen years now and working a retail job at Target! (HA HA!)
But not to knock it- I am loving my job! They are so wonderfully flexible and it is so close (a ten minute WALK, two minute drive away!) In the winter it was faster to walk then clear snow off my car so I actually walked when it was 8 degrees outside (or rather RAN so as to keep warm!)

I was SO EXCITED to have had those arrears checks. I USUALLY send them ALL to the trust for the kids. But this time I had to deposit them to cover the trip to Buffalo I wouldn't have otherwise been able to make last week. So there was some extra cash there (that I would have sent to the trust). I WAS REALLY GLAD it was there as when I worked in the boys area the other night I noticed LEVIS JEANS on the CLEARANCE RACK. They were a few odd pairs left of varying styles, but all size 14. Soren now wears size 12, but he'll grow! And if they are big he can belt them until he fills them out! I picked up three pair of Jeans for him- one was $3.85 and the other two were $4.34. I ALSO found a beautiful fitted white women's blouse for $5.00 on Clearance that I picked up for Katerina along with a few pair of winter tights for $2.25 each and pantyhose. When it scanned at the checkout it came up TARGET.COM so it was there on Clearance as it was one odd item as it was a return from someone who shopped on line. I found a light blue polo shirt for $1.74 for Soren. I spent a total of $50 on clothes that I packed away until next FALL and had three jam packed bags.

OH yeah, that night I ALSO bought some CLEARANCE DISCONTINUED LEAP PAD books for Sadie's birthday in May. Westely won't be thrilled as one is a BARBIE theme of designing a dress and other math games, and the other is a SPONGE BOB MATH GAMES. I also actually bought a coveted SPARKLY BARBIE as Katie called it, Really CINDERELLA, which she picked out of the store insert in the paper that happened to be on sale. She said she wanted it for her birthday which is in JULY.

Then THIS WEEK I was being diligent and noticed a pair of shorts that were hanging in the wrong spot. So when it was time for our break at work, I took them off and put the on the table where they really belonged and diligently was taking the unneeded hanger back to its storage spot in the dressing room. I came across a whole box of clothes just marked dowm for CLEARANCE that were ready to be put out I couldn't believe my luck as there were Kacki pants in my size there for $2.24! I bought two pair of those and another in pink along with a pale blue polo which ended up in clearance on account of its pink edging and the fact it was in the BOYS section! So for $1.34 that polo in a LARGE BOYS fit me and matches the pink pants to make a lovely new outfit for me for the grand total of around $3.50 (after my discount and taxes!)

Oh- and the EXPENSIVE ITEM I SPLURGED ON is a RED BOYS POLO for $4.44 which I wore to work last night. My shirts I have been wearing to work indeed are getting wear and tear.

IT FEELS SO WONDERFUL TO WEAR PANTS THAT REALLY FIT ME! FOR MONTHS I HAVE BEEN BELTING MY OLD JEANS! Now the whole irony of this is that the past few days I have been going through clothes for Spring and Summer. So I am packing up some of my old clothes for Katerina as they will fit her now, and in going through them I realized that some of HER OLD CLOTHES which she had outgrown now fit me! How's that for weird? It did feel a bit odd that the blouse I was buying for her was a womens and the pants I bought for myself were techincally GIRLS BUT I AM PETITE SO THE 14.5 PLUS SIZE GIRLS FITS ME PERFECTLY!

Anyway, I ALSO TRIED ON KATERINA'S OLD SHOES AND THEY FIT ME! IN PARTICULAR SHE HAD THIS AWESOME PAIR OF OILILY SHOES WITH A CHERRY PATTERN ON BROWN VELOUR WHICH I LOVED AND THEY FIT ME! The fabric on the front of one of those shoes is worn but the soles are solid. The shoe is so comfortable that I am going to try to figure out someway to hide the worn part- with either a creative patch which could ONLY be gotten away with with a pair of OILILY as they are so funky that's just the kind of thing they would have, OR perhaps a coat of shoe polish in the right shade would work to hide the worn area OK.

Anyway, I hung up a few dresses in my closet which are lovely for spring and summer which used to be Katerina's!

I AM PLEASED that the weight loss I incurred as a side effect HAS STABALIZED! WHEW.... I WAS GETTING NERVOUS THERE ABOUT THIS A FEW MONTHS BACK AND MONITORED TO MAKE SURE I DIDN't CONTINUE TO DROP WEIGHT. A few months ago it also BOTHERED me to be so thin. I think it was MOST DISTRESSING though as I would get WEIRD COMPLIMENTS when I knew I ACTUALLY LOOK BORDERLINE UNHEALTHY AND EMACIATED! IF I DIDN"T KNOW ME AND HAD NO INSIGHT INTO THIS SUDDEN DROP HAVING BEEN CAUSED BY THE SIDE EFFECT OF A MEDICATION I WOULD THINK I LOOKED SICKLY. SO THAT DISTURBED ME GREATLY TO GET COMPLIMENTS WHEN I KNOW I DON'T LOOK AS HEALTHY AS I DID BEFORE (OR IN MY MIND DON'T EVEN LOOK AS ATTRACTIVE AS BEFORE! ) BUT I DO LOOK THINNER AND I THINK OUR SOCIETY SOMEHOW VALUES BEING THIN IN AND OF ITSELF THAT THERE IS THIS FALSE SENSE OF SOMEONE LOOKING GOOD EVEN WHEN THEY ARE NOT REALLY MORE ATTRACTIVE, and in reality look WORSE than when having a healthier weight!
So when I heard compliments I would say "Thank you" but really think "Hmm.... I actually DON't LOOK "GREAT" but Look somewhat emaciated and sickly!" and found it puzzling. I Really DOn"T LIKE THE WAY I FEEL LIKE ALL BONES. Its truly a horrible feeling to put my hand to my face when I am tired and be startled by the boniness of it. Westely commented that I am not COMFORTABLE to hug or lay next to as I am so bony. (He fortunately didn't say that in a MEAN way! At the time he was concerned "your disappearing!" and I told him that thankfully my weight was STABALIZE so at least I wouldn't continue to shrink)

What does freak me out though is that my hats are too big. My favorite beret has been slipping forward over my eyes this winter. I told the Dr who saw my kids MY HEAD SHRANK and asked her about it. She didn't have any insight.

THere is that strange irony though.... where did the term SHRINK come from? I am seeing one and indeed my head has been shrunk as a result.

Ok so it also works a bit better so we all surmise. A bit weird to think of that though...

AND NOW I KNOW I HAVE STAYED UP WAY TOO LATE WRITING!

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