2006-04-25 - 7:29 p.m.

I have a 25 % chance of being a victim of murder.

That is the actual statistic of the number of abusive partners who escalate their abuse to the point of murdering the person they claim to have loved.

Its a sobering thought.

One that I am sure weighs heavily on my brothers mind, which is why I am sure he was interested in exposing in his COLUMBIA CITY PAPER that SOUTH CAROLINA is # 1 in states for murders by domestic violence.

I hadn't known that.

And it truly is jarring.

What is more disturbing is that, like me, those victims all thought that it could never happen to them.

I KNOW I AM STILL IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP although things as not at the critical point they were once at.

I KNOW THIS as when yesterday WESTLEY called at 4:45 pm to tell me "I AM STILL AT THE OFFICE" and therefore COULD NOT POSSIBLY catch the 4:50 flight he claimed to have HOPED TO CATCH so I could make it to work on time, I PANICKED. I DIDN'T ALLOW HIM TO ACTUALLY KNOW THAT OF COURSE.

HOWEVER HE HAD TOLD ME ON FRIDAY that he had a flight "around 9 pm or so, and would be back JUST IN TIME for me to get to work. HE SAID it would be cutting it close, but that I SHOULD MAKE IT OR BE ONLY A FEW MINUTES LATE."

HE DID ACT CONCERNED that it was making me late for work and courteously called me when he left, and then again when he landed to say he was leaving the airport.

IT WAS 10:25pm. I AM SCHEDULED TO WORK AT 10:30 pm. HE HADN'T EXACTLY GIVEN ME MUCH ADVANCE NOTICE THAT I WOULD BE LATE MORE THAN 5 or 10 minutes. I was not too concerned , that is until I recalled him being angry at me and blurting out "I AM NOT GOING TO BE THERE TO BABYSIT FOR YOU TO GO TO WORK ANYMORE"

I didn't take that seriously at the time, however in hindsight I think Westley indeed could be trying to sabatoge my job.

I thought this when I was visiting the RECOVERING COUPLES ANONYMOUS site which I found after noting an ad in the local pennysaver listing meeting times in our area. I was interested in what it was about.

http://www.recovering-couples.org/

When printing a checklist of questions for a couple to ask themselves to see if they indeed fall in the DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS, I noticed the reverse side of my print out (which was on scrap paper Westely left for me.) I noted the flight itinerary of WESTLEY was on the back and it indicated his flight was SCHEDULED TO ARRIVE AT 10:19!

SO BASICALLY HE KNEW AHEAD OF TIME THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD MAKE IT TO WORK BUT DIDN'T COMMUNICATE THAT CLEARLY!

That REALLY MADE ME ANGRY AND ALSO WORRIED THAT HE WAS INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO SABATOGE MY JOB. HE CLEARLY DID SO WHEN I FIRST STARTED WORKING BUT HAS SINCE SEEMED TO HAVE GOTTEN USED TO IT AND LET UP. (Maybe as it didn't work! I basically MADE SURE NOT TO BE RELIANT ON HIM! SO WHEN HE MADE TRAVEL PLANS THAT CONFLICTED WITH MY WORK SCHEDULE I HAD ALREADY ARRANGED IT SO I HAD EITHER COVERAGE AS SOMEONE AGREED TO COVER FOR ME, OR I WASN'T ON THE SCHEDULE! I NEVER DID HAVE TO CALL IN OR BE A LAST MINUTE NO SHOW WHEN HE DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH FOR ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED WORKING!)

BUT when he did this BOTH on FRI and then again THIS MONDAY it made me MISTRUSTFUL, WARY and a bit PANICKY that WESTELY IS ONCE AGAIN TRYING TO SABATOGE MY WORK AND MY INDEPENDENCE BECAUSE IT THREATENS HIM.

HE CLEARLY IS THREATENED BY ME HAVING ANY FINANCIAL FREEDOM, SO HE ALWAYS FINDS SOME EXCUSE TO CLAIM I OWE HIM MONEY.

Its such bullshit.

I have to get the girls to bed now.

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