2006-04-26 - 10:17 a.m.

I admit I was a snoop! When doing the dishes at 2:30 AM I heard the buzz of a sent e-mail being received by Westley's blackberry and immediately thought "THOSE DARN WORKAHOLICS! IT'S A RIDICULOUS HOUR TO BE SENDING E-MAIL!"

I then looked just to see WHICH WORKAHOLIC was actually up obsessing! (Since when you pick up the blackberry and take off it's cover it is set up to show incoming e-mail.)

Thankfully the health of our relationship has nerver been marred by mistrustfulness regarding issues of fidelity! Thankfully I was just being nosy and curious out of hearing about all the co-workers and meeting them.... but I was GLAD my lack of impulse control led me to be nosy as I DID NOTE an E-MAIL "MONDAY's TRAVEL" from Westley's secretary. That was more of interest than which workaholic was up (which I was laughing at myself AS I DID MY HOUSEWORK... being no different!)

I opened the e-mail and read WESTLEY'S STRONGLY WORDED E-MAIL to the secretary "I ASKED FOR THE 6pm flight. I CANNOT TRAVEL ON THE 9pm AS I HAVE TO BE BACK EARLIER SO WILL BE CHANGING IT. IN THE FUTURE I HAVE TO BE ON THE EARLIER FRIDAY FLIGHT"

That made me feel MUCH BETTER.

I SHOULD KNOW that WESTELY IS HONEST. ALWAYS HAS BEEN - IN FACT TO A FAULT!

It put to rest my worry that he was TRYING to sabatoge my job! BUT IT STILL REMAINS A CONCERN THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP HASN'T BEEN RESTORED TO ONE OF HEALTH AS WE BOTH STILL HAVE TRUST ISSUES--

I of him and HE of me. I worry about any time there is a glitch of some sort (as a decent catch all word to refer to when he does SOMETHING that could possibly be controlling behavior) that it is INTENTIONAL Manipulation on his part. HE WORRIES anytime I don't follow and have my own glitch (of FORGETTFULLNESS or INATTENTIVENESS or COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR like I did when I bought clothes for one of the girls instead of GAS for the car WITH THE CASH HE GAVE ME THE OTHER NIGHT!) that it is INTENTIONAL MANIPULATION ON MY PART.

(OH BUT THAT SWEATER AND DRESS WERE EACH 75% off and the sweater MATCHED the two beautiful sleeveless summer tops I bought for her the other day! I HAD BEEN was eying it and WISHING I had the money for it! On Clearance in her size it was just TOO MUCH FOR ME to not succumb to the temptation! EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IT WASN'T UNREASONABLE FOR WESTELY TO EXPECT ME TO PUT GAS IN THE CAR WITH THE CASH HE GAVE ME FOR THAT PURPOSE!)

Anyway.... we BOTH HAVE MORE WORK TO DO ON OUR rekationship. The very fact that he PROSCRIBES how each dollar is to be SPENT (while perhaps REASONABLE IN THE MOMENT when on a tight budget) IS ITSELF A CONTROL ISSUE WHEN IT IS ONGOING AND A RESULT OF CONSTANTLY CHOSING TO BE A TIGHT BUDGET so as to maintain a "Lifestyle" which mandates such penny pinching!

Westley also came back FROM BJS of all places the other day (he is a convert and now AGREES it is a better value for us to shop there!) and HE BOUGHT BOTH A BRAND OF MARGARINE AND A BRAND OF PEANUT BUTTER THAT HE FORMERLY YELLED AT ME WHEN I PURCHASES SOMTHING OTHER THAT THE SKIPPY AND BUTTER SUBSTITUTE HE LIKES! I pointed out that behavior demonstrated that IT WASN"T REALLY ABOUT HIS OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE TENDENCY TO INSIST ON A BRAND AND UNWILLINGNESS TO TRY SOMETHING NEW when he had yelled at me in the past, but rather IT WAS AN ISSUE OF HIM HAVING TO BE IN CONTROL-EVEN TO THE POINT OF HIM HAVING TO BE IN CONTROL OF EVERY PENNY! I told him it is SO OBVIOUS that he has UNHEALTHY CONTROL ISSUES WITH MONEY.

HE had said "If you wanted to buy a dress I would give you $50 and we could go out together and find one we both like."

He said he didn't like the COLOR of the sweater and dress I got ... I pointed out that too WAS ABOUT CONTROL. AND THAT IF HIS PENNY PINCHING WAS REALLY ABOUT BEING FRUGAL HE WOULD HAVE BEEN EXCITED AND SHARING MY JOY IN BUYING THE VERY THINGS I WANTED FOR ALEXY FOR A TOTAL of $6.00 which not only made ME VERY HAPPY to have gotten the few things I EYED AND REALLY WANTED but CLEARLY SAVED US MONEY !

HE said "WOULD YOU GIVE ME YOUR PAYCHECK AND JUST LET ME SPEND IT AS I WANTED?"

I SAID- "SURE IF WE AGREED THAT WE WERE EACH TO PUT A PERCENTAGE OF OUR CHECKS ASIDE FOR THINGS BASED ON WHAT OUR EXPENSES AND INCOMES ARE- I'd be happy to and that would be fair. THey have suggested METHODS OF CALCULATING EACH PERSON'S INCOME AND HOW TO DO THAT CREATING BUDGETS AND USING PERCENTAGES OF EACH INCOME FOR SPECIFIC NEEDS. I WOULD BE THRILLED TO DO THAT AND TURN OVER SOME OF MY MONEY TO YOUR CONTROL AND YOU CAN DO LIKEWISE AND WE CAN THEN SHARE PURCHASING DECISIONS AND RESPONSIBILITES TOGETHER."

At that point he got angry and said "I DON'T WANT TO USE SOME METHOD RECOMMENDED BY SOMEONE ELSE"

and I said "That's right- as ANYONE ELSE WOULD RECOMMEND YOU GIVE UP SOME CONTROL"

MOST INTERESTING IN THIS QUEST FOR IMPROVEMENT IN MY RELATIONSHIP THOUGH AND DEALING WITH OUR ISSUES IS A BIG SURPRISE TO ME. I WAS TRULY PANICKING WHEN WESTELY WASN'T TO BE HOME FOR ME TO GET TO WORK ON TIME ON MONDAY. I HAD TO FIGHT THIS COMPULSION TO WANT TO GO TO WORK AND BE ON TIME AND THUS NOT BE DEPENDANT ON HIM...

NOW THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN JUST DOWNRIGHT CRAZY!! AS THE ONLY WAY IN THAT MOMENT I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE DONE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TO LEAVE THE GIRLS UNATTENDED!

SO THE FACT I WAS FIGHTING THAT URGE SCARED ME! I HAD THE INSTINCT TO COMPULSIVELY GO TO WORK AS THE THOUGHT OF EVEN POSSIBLY LOSING MY JOB, (which he raised when he apologized and said "If you get fired I'll pay off your remaining attorney bill") , and EVEN THE MERE THOUGHT OF CALLING INTO WORK AND THEREFORE BEING CONSIDERED UNRELIABLE OR IRRESPONSIBLE REALLY MADE ME PANIC!

THAT IS WACKED THAT THE IDEA OF ME CALLING INTO WORK WOULD INSTILL MORE PANIC THAN THE IDEA OF LEAVING THE GIRLS HOME ALONE IN BED!

I of course DID CALL IN TO TELL THEM I WOULD BE LATE. I asked for the # of a co-worker who has in the past been thrilled when I swap my MON for her SAT night. She loves when she gets the SAT off. She however was ALREADY on the schedule but the manager apprechiated my effort at trying to get coverage. EVEN MAKING THAT CALL INTO WORK WAS HARD, but once I DID SO THE PANIC CEASED.

SO OF COURSE I WAITED FOR WESTLEY AND WENT TO WORK AT 12:30 AM instead of 10:30 am!

When looking up WORKAHOLIC AS I WAS ANNOYED THAT WESTLEY WAS OBVIOUSLY BEING THE WORKAHOLIC as he DID get on "STANDBY" for that earlier flight BUT DIDN't STOP WORKING TO LEAVE THE OFFICE ON TIME TO BE AT THE AIRPORT FOR IT, I NOTED THAT I TOO MEET ALL THE CRITERIA OF A WORKAHOLIC!

That really shouldn't have been a SHOCK to me- but it WAS! I mean I have a workaholic DAD and clearly a at least two workaholic brothers (the one who handle's a love of alcohol and avoids that addiction of alcoholism by being ridiculously busy and is in fact now thriving with the newspaper work that keeps him busy 13 to 16 hours a day!)

Anyway.... I have in fact been working three nights rather than the sceduled two more often than not. I did stints of picking up a fourth night. There is ALWAYS a REASON to desire greater income and therefore work more hours.

Since I DON'T GET ADEQAUTE TIME TO CATCH UP ON SLEEP I REALLY HAVE TO RESIST THAT URGE!

This past month I did so by scaling back MY EXPENSES. I HAVE KEPT THE PRESCHOOLERS HOME RATHER THAN PAY FOR PRESCHOOL. They were just as happy to play with siblings at home and frankly we end up TOGETHER doing as many educational activities. They HAVE BENEFITTED from the interaction with others and learned wonderful social skills and have learned to get ready on time etc... and I think they are doing fine now EVEN WITHOUT continuing so it was a good choice to reduce MY STRESS and MY COMPUSLSION to work by prioritizing on paying my bills and using money for time with the older kids and TIME TOGETHER with the little ones going to the ballet and taking them out to FRIENDLY'S for ice cream a few times. ON SUNDAY I TOOK THEM ALL OUT TO LUNCH AFTER CHURCH which was great motivator for extra good behavior at church.

Now my ME TIME IS OVER and its time to go play with girls who have a STORE set up and can't wait for me to shop!

I need to MAKE TIME TO PLAY WITH THEM MORE which I found easier without having to rush ALL OF THEM off to school. The break in that structure IS GOOD FOR ME AS IT FACILITATES ME SPENDING PLAY TIME WITH THEM.

Oh- and we are learning about STARS and all took a vote and agreed the paper mache project would be that of AN EMERGING STAR BEING BORN rather than BARBIE!

ITS AN AWESOME PROJECT WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF AND I AM LOVING IT!STILL IN THE RESEARCH, LEARNING PHASE and in the phase of COLLECTING things like toilet paper rolls and pine cones and items with which to make the model that will be covered. (WE WERE OUT OF GLUE WHICH WAS THE HOLD UP! Hmmm... I have a GLUE GUN but I don't want to be involved in the ASSEMLY Of the model AT ALL other than verbally giving SUPERVISION and SUGGESTIONS. AND I FORGOT TO BUY IT THE PAST FEW TIMES I WORKED.... OOPS!)

We did however take out a bunch of both fiction and non fiction books and have used software I found in Westely's collection as well as the internet for our discovery! AS I have a telescope that will be the next step this summer! I found some great KIDS BOOKS including this one:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/079227069X/sr=8-1/qid=1146067094/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-2615725-2688063?%5Fencoding=UTF8

I just wrote a review and edited out this as it was extraneous though amusing:
but I think worth thinking about when deciding what books to invest in for kids: Ironically, The idea of picking out books on stars was motivated by the love of the BARBIE musical song "Constant as the stars above, always know that you are loved" which I was GRATEFUL FOR as I am encouraging OTHER INTERESTS in addition to the discovered BARBIE MUSICALS for my four year old "dancer". ANYTHING that encourages YOUNG GIRLS to have interest in science is a good thing!

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