2006-05-08 - 9:57 a.m.
I decided to work Sat night after a FRI NIGHT of shopping on my break. I am planning for my trip to Buffalo to see SOREN'S PLAY and had just enough income for travel this month. I CAN'T WAIT!!!! YAH!!! SOREN's GOT A LEAD ROLE.
A few weeks ago, I sent a letter to Katerina with an article about SPRING FASHION from the SYRACUSE POST STANDARD which highlighted a line of clothing at TARGET. Katerina had been wearing her hair up in that matronly bun which she finally released (sometimes!) When I asked her if she needed any clothes she had said no, and when I asked her DAD about her clothing needs he said she wears just basic solid colored shirts and jeans and THAT'S ALL and that when he took her shopping she didn't really want anything else. Similar to the BUN on her head she seems to be most comfortable WHEN UNOBTRUSIVE and TRIES to not call attention to herself with her appearance!
I think that is in part because as this overachiever I think KATERINA DOES GET NOTICED and I think she wants to JUST BE A REGULAR KID. HER GEORGOUS BUT EXCESSIVELY CURLY AND HARD TO MANAGE HAIR ALSO MAKES HER UNQUESTIONABLY UNIQUE. She did just get into that math program and was truly this terriffic violin player (compared to her classmates who were starting out after she had 4 or 5 years under her belt) so I think when she gets noticed for her abilities she is both proud and at the same time a little self consious. I think her dressing down and hiding her beautiful curls is a way for her to feel like SHE FITS IN with her classmates as SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE DIFFERENT FROM THEM. She is already academically different (whether she likes that or not!), but she used to be noticably different ALSO BECAUSE SHE WAS ALWAYS THE GIRL WHO DRESSED UP FOR SCHOOL WHICH TEACHERS AND KIDS BOTH NOTICE. She has enjoyed NOT DRESSING UP AND NOT CALLING ATTENTION TO HERSELF in school the past few years!
I also think this dressing down is indeed indicative of that stage of adolescence where she is FIGURING OUT WHO SHE IS AND THAT INDICATES A BIT OF APPREHENSION ABOUT TAKING THAT STEP OF PERSONALLY TAKING CONTROL OF HER WARDROBE AND MAKING CHOICES since in the past she was offered only limited choices of clothing. SHe did in the past wear lots of lovely dresses to school that MY MOM sewed for her. I think her renouncing of those also indicates that she is not the little girl we can dress up anymore! (Isn't that just SO MUCH FUN? When girls are so little that they LOVE when we adults "play" with them like they are our dollies? I never wanted KATERINA to feel like we were doing that so I ALWAYS gave her and all the kids SOME LIMITED CHOICES in that "DRESS UP GAME". MY RULES ALSO WERE THAT ALL THE ADULTS GOT TO PLAY! PLAY FAIR AND SHARE THE DOLLIES!
WHEN GRANDMAS OR AUNTS GAVE AN OUTFIT EVEN IF WE PARENTS DIDN'T LIKE IT I MADE SURE THE KIDS WERE NOT EXPOSED TO NEGATIVE COMMENTS AND ARE GIVEN FREEDOM OF SELF EXPRESSION AND ALLOWED TO WEAR EVEN THE UGLY THINGS THAT THEY WERE EXCITED ABOUT AS THEY WERE TANGIBLE REPRESENTATIONS OF LOVE FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT IN THEIR LIVES! OK.. so we did draw that line at the green and orange nail polish that an aunt gave that we did confiscate, but that was more of a HEALTH issue! I just can't support inhaling of toxic fumes at age 4. And I think parents DO HAVE THAT RIGHT TO DRAW THE LINE if there is someone trying to encourage their 4 yr old to emulate Brittany! But it can be done in a way that is appropriate and not critical of the other beloved's taste- such as LET THE OFFENDING CLOTHING REMAIN but set the limit on WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE ATTIRE. This really VALIDATES the importance of the relationships of OTHERS IN OUR CHILDREN'S LIVES and doesn't minimize our children's FEELINGS and IGNORE THEM AS INDIVIDUALS, but allows parents the APPROPRIATE CONTROL OF BEING THE ONES TO SET OUR EXAMPLES OF WHAT WE FEEL IS BEST FOR OUR CHILDREN AND REMAIN THE PRIMARY INFLUENCE IN OUR KIDS LIVES. I THINK IT ACTUALLY NERVY OF SOME PARENTS WHO DON'T CONSIDER OTHER PARENT'S VIEWS AND WISHES WHEN THEY GIVE THEIR CHILDREN'S FRIENDS CLOTHING WITHOUT FIRST CONSULTING WITH THE CHILD'S PARENTS TO SEE IF IT IS OK! We HAD THAT HAPPEN With one of Katerina's friend's parents who were just overly concerned about her conservative style and felt the need to try to intervene! We of course ALLOWED Katerina to keep items given by her best friend, and she was happy to accept them, but she also shoved them to the back of the closet as they were not things WE WOULD ALLOW HER TO WEAR TO SCHOOL, nor did she WANT TO! That's the real irony... but I digress as that is about OTHER PEOPLE ACTUALLY BEING CONTROLLING AS THEY DON'T RESPECT BOUNDARIES! That was just an odd thing... that somehow Katerina's friend's parents were manipulated and pulled into that whole Mission of being disruptive of our family life which was manifested in a number of odd ways including the strange concern over her clothing! )
One thing I think we as parents don't ever have to worry about is worry that KAterina would ever appear RISKE or inappropriately revealing as she is SO CONSERVATIVE that in contrast to many parents who I think argued with their teens to NOT LOOK LIKE BRITTANY or a GOTH DARK FIGURE that we have to ENCOURAGE KATERINA TO BE COMFORTABLE EXPRESSING HER INDIVIDUALITY and are letting her know WE THINK IT IMPORTANT TO DO SO AND THAT SHE WILL BE ACCEPTED AND LOVED AS SHE IS. I AM ENCOURAGING HER TO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK BUT TO DEVELOP A COMFORT WITH HERSELF! THE HIDING OF HER HAIR WAS A BIG ISSUE FOR ME!
Lately Katerina seems to be emerging more comfortable with defining herself and expressing her own style. SHE IS INHERENTLY JUST SO CONSERVATIVE that I sent her the article that had a lovely photo and a nice review of the clothing line indicating it was conservative BUT WITH PLAYFUL PRINTS AND COLORS. I thought some of those styles might appeal to her, and I encouraged her to go to the TARGET.COM site and to look at the Junior's clothing and tell me WHAT SHE LIKES so I can look for some things for her.
With SOREN who is at an age where he really doen't care, and also BEING A BOY who tend to not use fashion to define a sense of self as much anyway, its easier to pick up stuff for him. ALSO BOYS CLOTHES GO ON EXCELLENT CLEARANCE SALES ALL THE TIME! I picked up a few pair of LEVI'S for $4 each for him when all that was left happened to be his size.
This weekend I was SO EXCITED when on Friday night I noticed JUNIOR's CLOTHING ON A CLEARANCE RACK! THAT SO RARELY HAPPENS! And when it does it it usually only 30% off, or even sometimes the NICE STUFF at 50% off is still really pricy when comparing to ANY OTHER DEPT ! BUT on FRI night the nice clothing line I have been eying hit 50% off. AND THERE WERE LOTS OF OPTIONS IN KATERINA'S SIZE I had decided I would just get Katerina a few things SHE WANTS regardless of what it costs but was waiting for some feedback which she hadn't yet given.
So on FRI night when the stuff was on Clearance I shopped ANYWAY and got some things I LOVED FOR HER and HOPED THAT SHE MIGHT LIKE THEM!
I was most excited about a bag I got for her with a playfull grafitti on it that has a drawing of a girl and cute sayings including "punk princess" on it.
I LAUGHED and thought She would love it as her grandmother told me that Katerina had said "When I go to high school I am going to dress PUNKY" in response to a discussion about going to a private high school! She said she doesn't want to as she is USED to public school but ALSO WANT TO BE ABLE TO DRESS as she wants. (Which is funny as I swear she'll in the end likely WANT to be conservative! But its a HEALTHY teenage desire to want to develop that independence!)
I had sent her a post card encouaging her to try to wear her hair OTHER WAYS than only in the bun, along with accompanying drawings. I included the PUNKY KATERINA since her Grandmother shared her comments (which coming from KATERINA I think were sarcastic, but made her point of NOT WANTING TO BE CONTROLLED clear)
We also took a family poll of which hairstyle WE EACH like and Katerina loved it, and the results were under the drawings on the postcard. (Pippi like braids were a popular vote! I told her the ELECTORAL COLLEGE is weighed more, and in a family the parents are the equivalent... so since the adult vote was DOWN that maybe should at least be considered by her more! We all got a good laugh out of that fun post card!)
Anyway, the caraciture of PUNK PRINCESS on the bag was just SO FUNNY and perfect for her! I know she'll think its great!
I saved the gift receipt which is good for 90 DAYS and figured if she DOESN'T LIKE IT when I see her next I could take her shopping to exchange it. I then picked up the SAT shift as they were short staffed for the extra income for this month for the clothing, and THAT NIGHT I worked in the shoe dept stocking everything. I noticed a pair of PERFECT RIDING BOOTS which were orignally $40 appeared on CLEARANCE rack for $6.00. GO COWGIRL! WHOO HOOO..... now they are just the thing the gals back in Purcellville would have all thought WERE BEAUTIFUL and I eyed these boots for months. I actually LOVED A PINK PAIR and thought those were the BEST but when taking Katerina shopping she thought them FUNNY AND DORKY and LAUGHED WHEN SHE SAW THEM (I hadn't even pointed those out!) and I commented how she is now a city gal and not the country girl she used to be! I told her as we both laughed that it was a good thing I hadn't SPLURGED ON THEM As I THOUGHT SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED THEM AND HAD BEEN TEMPTED TO ... but that was based on THE LITTLE GIRL SHE USED TO BE! We both found that VERY FUNNY and it was then I knew I needed to no longer ever BUY HER CLOTHES without her involvement! So its great to FIND BOOTS ON CLEARANCE as its clear THE ONLY TIME SHE WILL WEAR THEM IS TO RIDE!
KAterina doesn't have opportunity to ride currently, but she loves it and expresses interest so I indend on giving her a gift of riding again (maybe for a birthday) at some point. WE actually visited the BUFFALO THERAPUTIC RIDING CENTER which offers a program for those with disabilities as well as anyone who wants to ride to inquire about the possibility of Katerina volunteering there. She is not old enough as kids have to be age 15, so in a few years if she still has the interest that is an opportunity for her to be around horses, caring for them and assisting riders who need a helper, and also liekly get some riding time in exchange for volunteer work.
She was SO EXCITED about the idea of volunteering and was disappointed she can't do it yet!
NOW for THE COOLEST PART OF THE WEEKEND:
On Sunday morning around 10:30 I called to talk to Katerina and Soren and she answered. I heard her say, before the "Hello" "Right on Cue!" and I asked "Were you about to call me?"
She said "No, but I am on TARGET.COM as grandma wanted me to go on line to go here and has been bugging me so I finally did. "
She was excited to tell me the things she liked and picked out.
I HADN'T ACTUALLY BOUGHT THE SPECIFIC THINGS SHE PICKED, HOWEVER THEY WERE IN STOCK THE NIGHT BEFORE! AND THE THINGS I GOT WERE NOT ON THE WEB SITE SO I THINK SHE MIGHT LIKE THEM AS WELL.
THE GIRLS and I went to CHURCH at 12:30 and then we went shopping and the two SPECIFC ITEMS THAT KATERINA SAID SHE LIKED WERE STILL THERE! YAH!
I am glad the novelty of jeans and T SHIRTS ALL THE TIME has worn off and Katerina is ready to express herself with something else! I think she just LOVED the FREEDOM to wear them to school since we have a house rule in our home that NO JEANS or PRINTED T SHIRTS ARE TO BE WORN TO SCHOOL! ANY OTHER PANTS ARE FINE, AND POLO SHIRTS AND DRESS SHIRTS/BLOUSES, Sweaters and even long sleeved T SHIRTS if they look nice are options. Overalls and jumpers from LL BEAN were a staple of Katerina's school clothes All of which are now KAtie and Sadie's school clothes! But jeans WERE RESERVED FOR FARM WORK AND PLAY! Thus Katerina's refusal to now where ANYTHING BUT JEANS comes to me as no surprise! (AND HER DAD DOES NOT INSIST OTHERWISE EVEN THOUGH HE COMPLAINED OF THIS A LITTLE BIT WHEN I ASKED ABOUT HER CLOTHING AND IF SHE NEEDED ANYTHING!)
I HAVE BEEN EDITING THIS ENTRY to ADD ON TO IT. In MY OPTIMISTIC VIEW I FOCUSED ON ALL THE POSITIVES AND NOW HAVE TO GO BACK TO ADD MORE DETAIL AND NOT IGNORE THE UNPLEASANT DIFFICULT THINGS WHICH ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO WRITE OF!
I realized after writing that
This was a very difficult weekend yet SOMEHOW I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME WRITING ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS! SO I AM EDITING TO ADD THE SIGNIFICANT HORRIBLE THINGS WHICH I WASN'T IGNORING (I talked to a parish priest on SUN! I found a meeting called THE THIRD OPTION I drove to on Sun night. I hope to get a sitter and hope WESTLEY will come with me but I figured I at least could go!)
http://www.thethirdoption.com/ )BUT I AM A BIT SURPRISED THAT I COULD EVEN FAIL TO MENTION THE HORRIBLE ONGOING BATTLING OF FAMILY ABUSE EVEN ONCE WHEN WRITING IN MY JOURNAL!
THAT SEEMS UNHEALTHY TO ME, THAT MY OVERALL SENSE OF MY WEEKEND WAS ONE OF HAPPINESS AND THINKING OF THE GOOD THINGS AND BEING ABLE TO TABLE THE HEAVY SADNESS. It in fact was THE WORST weekend we have had SINCE LAST DECEMBER WHEN WE VISITED WESTLEY'S PARENTS and THAT WAS THE LAST TIME he was PYSICALLY AND PSYCOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE AND ATTEMTED TO USE MANIPULATIVE TACTICS AS HE FELT OUT OF CONTROL AND WAS SEEKING TO FEEL LIKE HE WAS IN CONTROL MALADAPTIVELY.
SO HERE'S THE REAL STORY OF ALL WEEKED! **I'll note when done with the ADDITIONAL writing so I can go back and review this sometime! BUT THIS LAST COMMENT IS YET ANOTHER DIGRESSION ABOUNT MY CONSIOUS ATTEMT TO NOT BE A VICTIM WHO BECOMES DE-SENSITIZED TO VIOLENCE AND UG I FORGET THE TERM... OH YEAH DISSASOCIATIVE. I SPEND ALOT OF TIME READING ABOUT SPOUSAL ABUSE TO TRY NOT TO ALLOW MYSELF TO FALL PREY TO THE DAMAGING AFFECTS OF IT AND NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE DESENSITIZED!
BECAUSE IF I START SEEING MYSELF EXHIBIT THOSE ADVERSE SYPTOMS OF VICTIMIZATION (OR ANOTHER WAY TO PUT IT IS IF THE COSTS ARE TOO HIGH IN THE COST/BENEFIT ALYSIS FOR EITHER MYSELF OR MY CHILDREN) THEN THIS EXPERIMENT OF WHETHER AN ABUSER CAN BE HEALED THROUGH A RELATIONSHIP WILL HAVE TO END! EVEN IF IT POSSIBLE, I WON"T STAY IN IT TO FIND OUT AT THE EXPENSE OF HARMFUL EFFECTS TO MYSELF OR THE KIDS BECAUSE WE DESERVE A LIFE OF HEALTH AND HAPPINESS AND REAL LOVE!
After working Fri night I returned home SO EXCITED ABOUT SADIE's first soccer game!
Westley had said the night before that he wanted to take her. I said "Great she'll be so thrilled" AND I WAS SO PLEASED THAT HE WOULD FORGO WORKING ON THE HOUSE TO TAKE SOME FAMILY TIME! I ASSUMED THAT MEANT ACCOMPANYING THE REST OF US IN ENJOYING HER GAME. As I was driving home I realized I FORGOT to put the load in the dryer the night before that had HER SOCCER SHIRT IN IT!
I hoped they were all up early and ready! WESTLEY IS PRETTY ON TOP OF THINGS so I figured he wouldn't be one to look for the shirt at the last moment and it likely it was drying or on her as it was already 8:20 and her game was at 9am.
I was glad I had left the directions on my car seat so they would be easy to find! I figured if the rest of us could get ready quickly we would all go together, but if not Westely was going to drive Caitlin and the rest could go with me.
It got late and it was already 8:55 with the shirt just removed from the dryer, when I was telling Katie to hurry up and get her shoes on so we could leave. Westely had just told her the same thing and that if she were not ready he would leave without her. I was surprised then when he said to me "Your not going."
I said "NO I am going. I'm not going to miss her first game! You and Sadie go ahead and don't wait for us anymore so she is not late."
I had no a clue why he would have even said such a thing (at the time)! Then he said that WE HAD TALKED ABOUT IT AND AGREED HE WOULD BE TAKING HER AND HE TOLD ME HE HAD SAID HE WANTED ONLY KATIE TO GO WITH THEM.
I said "Yes, you mentioned that to me, but in no way would that imply that I am not going to watch her game or bring the other girls. I DID NOT AGREE TO THAT. YOU SAID YOU WANT TO DRIVE HER-- GO AHEAD, DON't WORRY ABOUT THE REST OF US. YOU CAN DO THAT, DON't WAIT FOR US. I WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE REST OF THE GIRLS AS WE DID AGREE."
Westley then started in with the abusive yelling at me, the claiming I WAS RUINING HIS PLANS. I said only that HE WAS AN ADULT FREE TO DO WHAT HE CHOOSE AND THAT IN NO WAY WOULD I TRY TO CONTROL HIM OR INTERFERE WITH HIS PLANS. AND I SAID NOTHING MORE but continued to get the girls ready.
Sadie had gotten in my car. He told her to get out. HE YELLED AT ME "YOU ARE NOT GOING"
I ignored him. He continued to yell and then he pushed me once in the chest in anger. (The girls were all getting into my car or already in the car at that point as I was inside the house and none SAW IT.)
WORST OF ALL THOUGH IS THAT HE EXHIBITED PERHAPS THE MOST DISTURBING SIGN OF MENTAL ILLNESS AND SAID "I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL" as I continued to get ready to leave and continued to ignore him.
That indeed is a disturbing thing for anyone to even HAVE THAT THOUGHT, let alone utter it at another person! AND ITS HORRIBLE FOR WESLEY TO HAVE UTTERED SUCH NASTINESS AT ME- HIS WIFE!
SURE SIGN THAT THERE IS HOPE FOR HIM IF HE WOULD SEEK PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT AS PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL DON'T THINK IN SUCH A MANNER ! THAT IS JUST SO ABNORMAL! To me it seems like APPEALING TO A HIGHER POWER TO TRY TO GAIN CONTROL THROUGH INSTILLING FEAR. NOW MAYBE SOMEONE MERELY MANIPULATIVE COULD DO THAT, BUT I REALLY THINK IT INDICATIVE OF A PSYCOLOGICAL DISORDER RATHER THAN THAT MERELY BEING A CONTROL TACTIC! TO ME THAT STATEMENT SPEAKS OF A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT... THE NARCISSIC'S THOUGHT PROCESS THAT BECAUSE HE WAS NOT AGREED WITH IN SOME WAY GREAT EVIL WAS BESTOWED ON HIM. IT SEEMS LIKE A STATEMENT MADE OUT OF FEELING SO HURT BY THE SIMPLE INTODUCTION OF AN IDEA OR PLANS OTHER THAN HIS OWN, WHICH TO A NARCASSIST IS TRULY THOUGHT TO BE EVIL SOMEONE IS INSTILLING ON HIM OR HERSELF!
THE Thing is that those zelots who TRY TO USE RELIGION AS AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE don't realize that IF GOD IS A GOD WHO PUNISHES THAT THEY SHOULD REALLY BE LOOKING AT HOW THEY ACT... BUT I DIGRESS WITH SUCH AN OBVIOUS COMMENT. PEOPLE NEVER SEE THEMSELVES!
I STILL IGNORED WESTLEY In his moment of acting OUT OF CONTROL however and considered whether to call the police or not. I decided not to in that moment. I WORRIED THAT NOT CALLING COULD BE A DEVASTATING MISTAKE SO I STILL THINK ABOUT THAT AS AN OPTION. I WORRY THAT BY NOT REACTING WITH THAT STRONG ACTION THAT IT IS GIVING PERMISSION FOR FURTHER PHYSICAL ABUSE.
I DECIDED NOT TO CALL THOUGH AS THERE WASN'T REALLY A MOMENT OF CRISIS IN WHICH WE NEEDED INTERVENTION JUST THEN, AND HOPEFULLY WE WILL GET THE HELP WE NEED TO AVOID THAT ACTION EVER BEING NECESSARY.
IF WE DON'T CONTINUE TO GET HELP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T CONTINUE TO IMPROVE I THINK IT WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE THEN TO JUST LEAVE BEFORE THINGS GET TO SUCH A POINT OF CRISIS EVER AGAIN! I MEAN I DON'T NEED TO BE THE ONE TO ENFORCE PUNISHMENT ON WESTELY SHOULD HE SCREW UP HIS LIFE! SURE I WOULDN't WANT TO PREVENT JUSTICE AND ASSIST HIM IN AVOIDING ACCOUNTABILITY, HOWEVER IF HE CONTINUED TO BECOMe VIOLENT I WOULD THINK LOSING YOUR FAMILY MAY BE ENOUGH PUNISHMENT IN and OF ITSELF!
IF THEY EVER DID GET TO THE POINT OF BEING DANGEROUSLY VIOLENT THEN I WOULD HAVE NO OTHER OPTION BUT TO CALL (Which was the case when I DID CALL 911 both previous times! YOU JUST CAN'T ALLOW SOMEONE TO PLACE ANOTHER AT RISK THROUGH VIOLENCE WITHOUT SEEKING HELP! WHEN VIOLENCE ESCALATES TO THAT POINT THE MASLOV TRIANGLE OF NEEDS KICKS IN AND SAFETY BECOMES THE ONLY PRIORITY AND IN BOTH OF THOSE MOMENTS AS I CALLED SAFETY WAS AT RISK!
AND FURTHERMORE I HAVE LEARNED THAT "YOU CAN LEAD A CAMEL TO WATER BUT YOU CAN NOT MAKE HIM DRINK"
WHEN I FIRST HAD RESPONDED TO VIOLENCE DIRECTED AT ME BY CALLING 911 it was TO PROTECT HOWEVER IT HAD THE ADDITIONAL (AND UNEXPECTED) BENEFIT OF WESTLEY HAVING TO GO TO COUNSELING.
THIS SAT I DID NOT HAVE THAT FEELING of FEAR . I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE EITHER MYSELF OR My KIDS WERE THREATENED.
ON this SATURDAY I DID FEEL LIKE OUR WHOLE FAMILY IS VERY THREATENED THOUGH! I HAVE FEAR OF WESTLEY'S UNHEALTHY ATTEMPTS TO DE-STABALIZE and his ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL THROUGH CREATING TENSION AND CRISIS AND PLACING THE CHILDREN IN A SITUATION WHERE THEY ARE ASKED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WHICH PARENT THEY WANT WITH THEM IN THE MOMENT. ITS ONE THING FOR PARENTS TO MAKE A DECISION TO HAVE SOME KIDS WITH ONE AND SOME WITH ANOTHER FOR A DAY OR AN EVENT ETC IN AN EFFORT TO MEET EVERYONE's NEEDS. ITS ONE THING TO HAVE A MISCOMMUNICATION ABOUT PLANS.
HOWEVER IT IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT THING TO HAVE AN UNHEALTY FAMILY DYNAMIC SUCH THAT A NORMAL MISCOMMUNICATION RESULTS IN THE TOTAL DISREGARD of THE CHILDREN in the moment and then overt controlling behavior on the part of one parent to try to force things to go their way AND TO TRY TO FORCE CONFLICT WHEN THE OTHER IS ATTEMPTING TO DISENGAGE FROM IT! AND TO PLACE SADIE IN THAT POSITION OF BEING ASKED WHO SHE WANTS TO TAKE HER TO HER GAME WAS JUST UNFAIR TO HER!! IT TEACHES EMOTIONAL DISHONESTY AND DISCONNNECTEDNESS FROM HOW SHE REALLY FEELS AS SHE OF COURSE WOULD BE AFRAID TO SAY IF SHE REALLY WANTED US ALL TO GO WHEN WESTELY WAS YELLING AND EMOTIONALlY OUT OF CONTROL!
AND THEN IT MAY ALSO MAKE HER FEEL RESPONSIBLE IN SOME WAY FOR THE CRISIS (WHIch OF COURSE SHE IS NOT!)
MY FEAR IS FEAR OF LONG TERM HARM IF UNHEALTHY MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIORS ARE TOO PREVALENT THAT WE ARE POISONING Our CHILDREN!
MY FEAR IS ALSO THAT BY NOT CALLING 911 WESTLEY WOULD NOT TAKE THESE ISSUES SERIOUSLY THAT IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO PUSH People around! I HAVE A FEAR THAT I MAY HAVE GRANTED HIM PERMISSION TO ABUSE!
I was FREAKED OUT WHEN HIS PARENTS INDEED REACTED THAT WAY- AS IF HIS MALADAPTIVE BEHAVIOR AT THEIR HOME LAST DEC WAS NORMAL!AS IF BECAUSE THEY FELT I PROVOKED HIM THAT IN SOME WAY I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS VIOLENCE ! AT LEAST HIS MOTHER EVENTUALLY DID TELL HIM HE WAS WRONG AND DID SAY THAT HE SHOULD NEVER TREAT ME THAT WAY... BUT SHE ALSO HAD TO PUT ON BLINDERS AND SAID SHIT LIKE I NEED TO learn HOW to not PROVOKE HIM WHICH I TOLD HER WAS UTTER BULLSHIT AS THE TRUTH IS THAT HIS ISSUES ARE NOT IN RESPonse TO ME! WHEN WE WERE LEAVING LATER ON SHE WAS ENCOURAGINg ME TO HURRY UP AND SAID "YOUR POKY" And I TOLD HER "THAT IS BULL. I AM NOT AT ALL POKY. HE IS IMPATIENT AND I SHOULD BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND NOT BADGERED To HURRY BECAUSE EVERYOnE HERE WANTS TO BELIEVE THAT HE HAS SOME EXCUSE FOR HIS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. THE TRUTH IS THAT HE HAS NO PATIENCE AND HE NEEDS TO LEARN IT, AND WHEN he LOSES BOTH HIS PATIENCE ANd HIS TEMPER THAT IS NOT A RESULT OF OR THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ANYONE EXCEPT WESTLEY!" SHe didn't say anything else thankfully.
WHEN I CALLED THE POLICE ON THE SECOND OCCASSION IN OUR HOME IN VA I NOT ONLY WAS UPSET AT THREATS FROM WESTLEY TOWARD KATERINA BUT IT WAS ALSO CLEAR THAT HE PLACED HER IN A DANGEROUS POSITION THROUGH HIS ACTIONS. I CALLED AGAIN TO PROTECT AND ADMITTEDLY WITH THE MOTIVATION ALSO OF SEEKING OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE AND KNOWING THE COURT WOULD COMPELL WESTELY TO GO TO ANGER MANAGEMENT. THERE WAS INDEED FEAR COMPELLING ME TO SEEK HELP FOR THE SAFETY OF THE CHILDREN!
DURING AN ARGUMENT A FEW MONTHS AGO THAT WAS INITIATED WHEN I WENT TO BUFFALO WITHOUT HAVING FIRST TOLD WESTLEY, I TOLD HIM I was JUSTIFIED IN NOT INFORMING HIM BECAUSE HE HAD ATTEMPTED TO SABATOGE SOME OF MY PLANS IN THE PAST And I also said "YOU GET SO WORRIED! I THOUGHT I WAS SAVING YOU WORRY AND ANXIETY BY NOT TELLING YOU"
Westley had blurted out "ITS MINE TO MANAGE!"
Similarly, HIS CONTROL PROBLEM IS HIS TO MANAGE EXCEPT WHEN IT GETS TO A POINT WHERE HE IS HARMING SOMEONE ELSE.
AND SINCE HE HAD NOT TRIED TO SABATOGE FAMILY PLANS IN A WHILE (THAT IS UNTIL THIS SAT MORN!!) I HOPE MY JUDGEMENT IS INDEED CORRECT THAT HIS BEHAVIOR HAS NOT CAUSED HARM. THAT IS MUCH HARM! THERE OF COURSE WILL ALWAYS BE SOME HARM WE PARENTS INSTILL AS WE ARE ALL IMPREFECT, BUT I HOPE THAT IS IS NOT GREAT HARM... BUT I MEAN LIKE THAT OF A DAMAGING SORT TO OUR DAUGHTER's SENSE OF WHAT A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE! I HOPE THEY SEE ENOUGH OF WHEN WE ARE BEING NORMAL AND HEALTHY THAT THAT LEAVE THE PRIMARY IMPRESSION!
SO AT THIS POINT I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO HIM ALOT ABOUT HOW I FEEL WE BOTH NEED TO CONTINUE TO GET ASSISTANCE WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP, OUR COMMUNICATION, AND INDIVIDUALLY IF WE HOPE TO HAVE A HEALTHY FAMILY.
I think I have EXHAUSED THE QUESTION OF WHY I DIDN'T CALL 911 AS I ATTESTED I WOULD DO IF HE EVER TOUCHED ME AGAIN...
TO the next question I ASK MYSELF REGULARLY:
WHY DON'T I LEAVE MY ABUSIVE BATTERING HUSBAND?
WHY DIDN'T I CALL THE POLICE LIKE I DID IN THE PAST? I DID SAY THAT I WOULD NEVER RESPOND OTHERWISE!
HOWEVER NOW I THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE WRONG THING TO DO IN THIS MOMENT AS IT WOULD NOT HAVE EFFECTIVELY ASSISTED HIM OR ME OR THE KIDs. UNLIKE THE OTHER PAST OCCASSIONs OF ABUSE, THIS TIME THERE WAS NOT THE FEAR OF PHYSICAL HARM LIKE THEN. (THANKFULLY!)
THIs TIme I REALIZED THAT IF I CALLED THE PoLIcE it would be disruptive to the STABILITY OF THE WHOLE FAMILY as they would likely prosecute fully! THAT WOULD BE MOST APPROPRIATE IF HE HAD ALREADY SHATTERED THE STABILItY THroUgh HIS ABUSVENESS and by his violence. HOWEVER I BELIEVE THE GIRLS ARE HEALTHY AND WELL ADJUSTED AND BONDED WITH BOTH PARENTS THAT I THINK TO CALL THE POLICE AND PRESS CHARGES FOR THE RELAPSE OF ONE PUSH AND ONE MANIPULATIVE INCIDENT INVOLVING SADIE BEING EMOTIONALLY PULLED IN THE MIDDLE of HE AND I, WOULD NOT BE VERY USEFUL! SURE CALLING 911 COMMUNICATES MOST UNEQUIVOKLY THAT VIOLENCE IS UNACCEPLABLE, BUT I THINK THAT MESSAGE CAN BE SENT CLEAR ENOUGH WITHOUT HAVING TO MAKE WESTELY ACCOUNTABLE TO THE LAW JUST NOW!
AND AS FOR THE MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR WHICH IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE TO THE CHILDREN, IF THAT CONTINUES THAT ALONE WOUlD MAKE IT NECESSARY TO LEAVE!
TO HAVE CALLED FOR THE PUSH WOULD BE FAIR AND WELL DESERVED, HOWEVER I DON'T THINK AT THIS POINT IT WOULD HELP US INCREASE HEALTHY COMMUNICATION! I don't think it would have been particularlly HELPFUL!
SO I didn't call the police and I don't leave because I STILL RETAIN HOPE AND AN INHERENT BELIEF IN THE CAPACITY FOR GOODNESS IN WESTELY AND MYSELF AND OUR MARRIAGE!
PERHAPS IT IS OVERLY OPTIMISTIC AND PERHAPS I TOO AM NARCISSIC IN THE SENSE THAT I FEEL LIKE WE DID BETTER THAN THE AVG COUPLE WITH ABUSE ISSUES IN THE PAST AND THAT WE CAN DO EVEN BETTER!
I AM NOT GOING TO FORCE WESTELY TO MANAGE HIS ISSUES IN ANY PARTICULAR MANNER BY MAKING HIM ACCOUNTABLE IN A PARTICULAR WAY IN RESPONSE TO HIM PUSHING ME. HOWEVER I WILL CONTINUE TO TALK tO HIM About how FOR A HEALTHY FAMILY HE NEEDS TO ADDRESS HIS ISSUE SOMEHOW. As my friend Connie called it, "THE LOVING PEST" is a role that sometimes we are called to take on! I am lovingly going to continue to pester Westley to take responsibility for his issues.
I KNOW THAT IF HE DOESN'T CONTINUE TO WORK ON HIS ISSUES THAT THERE IS NO HOPE AND I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE.
ONE OTHER REASON I DIDN'T CALL 911 on SAT, is that FRANKLY I DON'T THINK I SHOULD BE IN THE ROLE OF SEEKING JUSTICE AND PUNISHEMENT FOR WESTELY's ACTIONS!
I JUST DON't NEED THAT TO FEEL VALIDATED AND WHOLE!
I HAVEN'T BEEN SO MALIGNED AND HARMED THAT MY SENSE OF WORTH IS TIED TO HIS EVALUATION OF HIMSELF OR OF ME IN ANY WAY. I think WOMEN WHO ARE SO HORRIBLY ABUSED OFTEN NEED THAT JUSTICE TO VALIDATE THAT IT WAS WRONG FOR THEIR SO CALLED HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND TO HAVE HURT THEM! I THINK THAT JUSTICE IS AT TIMES REALLY ESSENTIAL FOR THEM FOR THEIR HEALING!
WESTLEY ALREADY KNOWS THAT WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG (HE GETS THE PHYSICAL PART BEING WRONG BUT COULD USE More help understanding his psycological and verbal abusivcness)
I ALREADY UNDERSTAND THAT ALL OF HIS MALADAPTIVE BEHAVIOR IS NOT ONLY WRONG BUT PUNISHABLE BY LAW. HOWEVER I DON'T REQUIRE THE PUNISHMENT AS FOR ME IT WOULDN'T REALLY BE HELPFUL PERSONALLY AND AS FOR WESTELY I THINK IT WOULD NOT BE THAT HELPFUL EITHER! I THINK UNLESS HE CHOOSES TO GO INTO SOME TREATMENT HIMSELF, IT will not have any more effect than before AS HE WILL NOT ENGAGE IN ANYTHING HE HASN'T CHOSED HIMSELF! AND AS FOR THE GIRLS, TO HAVE WESTLEY INCARCERATED WOULD INDEED RENDER OUR FAMILY LIFE AT LEAST AS UNSTABLE AS IT IS ALREADY, BUT LIKELY MUCH MORESO THAN THE VERBAL ABUSE AND THE FACT HE PUSHED ME!
FOR ME AT THIS TIME THERE IS MORE HOPE FOR US BY NOT HAVING CALLED 911 on SAT.
IT's Westely's place to seek atonement for his sins,so to speak, and he'll never really achieve that IF HE FEELS THAT HE IS BEING FORCED TO DO ANYTHING.
THAT BEING SAID I COULD ACTUALLY CALL AND PRESS CHARGES FOR HIM HAVING SHOVED ME. BY DOING SO IT WOULD INDEED RESULT IN HIM HAVING TO BE ACCOUNTABLE AND JUSTICE WOULD BE SERVED!
HOWEVER I KNOW THAT JUSTICE ISN'T THE ONLY THING I HOPE FOR NOW! THAT WOULD BE LIMITED IN WHAT IT WOULD OFFER FOR WESTELY AND FOR ME. AS FOR WESTELY, I THINK HE HAS ANGER AT FEELING I HAVE BEEN CONTROLLING BY FORCING HIM INTO COUNSELING. I TOLD HIM I MAY HAVE EVEN HOPED FOR THAT, HOWEVER REGARDLESS OF WHAT I HOPED FOR THAT HIS HAVING TO GO TO ANGER MANAGEMENT IN THE PAST WAS IN FACT A RESULT OF HIS ACTIONS! HE STILL IS BITTER ABOUT THE FACT HE FELT CONTROLLED IN DOING THAT AND IN FACT HIS BIGGEST ISSUE NOW IS THAT HE FEELS LIKE I AM CONTROLLING OF HIM!
THis article explains the effectiveness of treatment on people who enter it WHEN COMPELLED TO. I just came across it and I think it is also helpful in understanding WHY I DIDN'T CALL 911 on SAT for the shove.
I think that to have called the police this SWOULD NOT BE THE WAY FOR ME TO CHOOSE TO STAY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND SEEK HELP! HAVING DONE SO BEFORE I THINK ANY HELP THAT CAN BE GAINED FROM THOSE TREATMENTS WAS INDEED RECEIVED AND IT WAS INDEED VERY VALUABLE! THE PROCESS OF COUNSELING AND GOING THROUGH ANGER MANAGEMENT INDEED DID REALLY IMPROVE ALL OF OUR LIVES!
IF WESTELY HAD'T TAKEN ANYTHING AWAY FROM HIS EXPERIENCES THERE IS A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY TO GO THAT ROUTE THOUGH WHEN ABUSE HAPPENS. A WOMAN OR MAN CAN WALK IN AND FILE A REPORT IF THEY WISH TO AFTER THE FACT AS WELL AS CALL FOR HELP IN THE MOMENT.
BUT HAD I CALLED THEN IT WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY BEEN THE END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AS OPPOSSED TO THE FACT THAT WHEN I CALLED THE POLICE IN THE PAST IT WAS INDEED WHAT MADE IT POSSIBLE THAT WE COULD EVEN THINK ABOUT CONTINUING OUR RELATIONSHIP!
*I AM STILL ASKING MYSELF WHAT REALLY IS THE DIFFERENCE? THE FACT THAT JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO WESTELY READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE THRID OPTION AND HE BROUGHT IT UP TO ME .... so perhaps the difference is that I KNOW HE IS MORE AWARE AND ACTUALLY MAKES EFFORT
AND THE SIMPLE FACT THAT BECAUSE THIS IS NOT HIS FIRST INSTANCE OF ABUSE THAT IF I CALL THE POLICE HE WON'T BE GIVEN ANY MORE CHANCES. ONE STRIKE, TWO STRIKES... THREE STRIKES YOU ARE IN THE SLAMMER. HE SHOULD REALLY THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE LAYING A HAND ON ANYONE EVER AGAIN! Twice he was offered the chance to go to counseling and learn new skills. TWICE he did go AND REALLY DID LEARN NEW SKILLS!
HE BETTER CONTINUOUSLY APPLY THOSE SKILLS AND NOT FOR ONE MOMENT FORGET THAT HE IS A BATTERER AND NOT FOR ONE MOMENT FOPGET HE REALLY HAS TROUBLE WITH SELF CONTROL IF HE ENGAGES IN AN EMOTIONAL ARGUMENT WITH A WOMAN AND HE REALLY SHOULD TAKE THE RESPONSIBLITY OF NOT ENGAGING OR DISENGAGING FROM SUCH DANGER HIMSELF RATHER THAN TAKE SUCH RISK!
Saying he should leave was ONE SIGN of him recognizing that. HOWEVER BOTH OF US HAVING CHOSEN TO STAY requires that he now learn to manage his problem of self control not by avoiding the relationship but by CONTROLLING HOW HE RESPONDS when feeling angry.
I read some article this past month WHICH SAID THAT PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK "WHY DOESN'T THE WOMAN LEAVE?"
The article said that is a misplaced focus and the real emphasis SHOULD BE "WHY DOES HE BATTER?"
I HOWEVER TOTALLY DISAGREE! I DON'T THINK IT A MISPLACED FOCUS OR A MISGUIDED QUESTION!
My Dr. recently said at my last appointment that one of his patients put it this way "NO one CAN BE A VICTIM UNLESS THEY CHOOSE TO BE"
THat SOUNDS OVERSIMPLIFIED AND PERHAPS CALLOUS
BUt my response to my Dr. was
"I THINK I GET WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. NOt that people do things to ASK To be victims but that they make CHOICES such that they are in a POSITION to BE VICTIMIZED"
HE had made the comment when I was talking about my brother who told me about how he was molested by some guys in COLLEGE after drinking at a party and being drugged. I had been saying how THAT WAS THE EVENT that my OLDER BROTHER SPOKE OF AS ONE THAT RESULTED IN MY MENTALLY ILL BROTHER BEING SO FEARFUL OF THE WORLD. I had been saying "I AM SURE THAT AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT ONE IS IN AND OF ITSELF ENOUGH TO CAUSE SOME PEOPLE TO BECOME SO BROKEN, HOWEVER I THINK THERE IS MORE TO IT THAN THAT. I THINK MY BROTHER WAS BROKEN IN A SENSE LONG BEFORE AND THAT HE WAS TARGETED AS AN EASY VICTIM BECAUSE PEOPLE THAT PREY ON OTHERS CAN TELL WHEN SOMEONE HAS WEAKNESS THEY CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF. " I made the comment as he was an extreme introvert EVEN WHEN VERY YOUNG.
I in fact was saying how in my family NO ONE EVER REALLY USED TO ACKNOWLEDGE OR TALK ABOUT ANY PROBLEMS BUT IGNORED SIGNS OF DEPRESSION IN MY BROTHER FOR YEARS AND THAT I THINK IT JUST AS LIKELY THAT WE GREW UP WITH A DEPRESSED MOTHER ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW IF SHE EVEN IDENTIFIED THAT! I even said that I wondered if my brother wasn't the victim of sexual abuse LONG BEFORE that college event. I said that I had some ODD RELATIVES on my mother's side of the family and that MY MOTHER HAD A FEAR OF TOUCH and in fact she acted like one who was ABUSED. I was wondering about THE WHOLE PICTURE OF HER FAMILY LIFE and wondered IF THE FACT I ENDED UP WITH TWO ABUSIVE PARTNERS ( A factor in my first marriage ending was THAT MY EX WAS ABUSIVE VERBALLY AND PSYCOLOGICALLY! ALTHOUGH HE NEVER HIT ME HE WAS VIOLENT AND CAUSED PROPERTY DAMAGE AND WAS DOWNRIGHT SCARY!)
I also said to my Dr. when having the discussion "IF you are in an abusive relationship you can always leave."
I really DO THINK THEREFORE THAT IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK "WHY DON't SOME WOMEN LEAVE?"
The answer for me may be that I TOO am somewhat narcissic! Perhaps I think I AM BETTER THAN THOSE OTHER WOMEN. PERHAPS at some level I THINK THAT I HAVE SOME MAGICAL POWER THAT MAKES ME DIFFERENT
IT is useful to articlate this and try to IDENTIFY WHY I WOULD STAY to then REALIZE JUST HOW STUPID IT WOULD BE TO THINK THAT I SOMEHOW COULD CHOOSE NOT TO BE A VICTIM WHILE STAYING.
THE TRUTH IS THAT ONCE SOMEONE KNOWS THEY HAVE MARRIED A BATTERER, IF THEY CHOOSE TO STAY, THEY ARE IN A REAL SENSE CHOOSING TO UNDERGO FURTHER ABUSE.
THAT HAS TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED
BECAUSE THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT ANYONE CAN DO TO CHANGE THEIR ABUSING PARTNER.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HOPE WESTLEY CHANGES, AND HOW MUCH PROGRESS I SEE THE FACT REMAINS THAT WESTLEY IS A BATTERER. I MARRIED HIM AND TODAY HE IS STILL A BATTERER.
MUCH LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC, ONCE AN ALCOHOLIC ALWAYS AN ALCOHOLIC
HOWEVER THAT DOESN't MEAN THAT AN ALCOHOLIC WON't BE ABLE TO GO TO AA and GET DRY AND NEVER TOUCH A DRINK AGAIN. SOME CAN. THE REALITY IS THOUGH THAT ONLY 1/3 of those who get treatment for alcohol addiction will REALLY STAY OFF BOOZE. The truth is that 2/3 will drink in the future.
Similarly, ANGER IS ITSELF AN ADDICTION, so when anger addicts go through treatment there is evidence it reduces ricidivism, however there is a large number of men who continue to batter their wifes even after treatment!
After the one push, Wesley DIDN'T SEEM LIKE HE REALLY WANTED TO HARM ME BUT WAS VERBALLY VENTING. I HAVE HEARD THAT PARTICULAR COMMENT MADE BEFORE- BOTH IN RELATION TO OTHER PEOPLE WHO HE FEELS HAVE MISTREATED HIM AND DIRECTED AT ME AND HAVE ADDRESSED THAT WITH HIM BEFORE! But on SAT MORN I didn't want to dwell on his mental health OR SUCCUMB to the control tactic BUT CHOSE TO IGNORE BOTH THE VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE IN AN ATTEMPT TO REMAIN FOCUSED ON THE ACTUAL AGENDA OF THE MOMENT WHICH WAS TO GET SADIE TO HER GAME AND FOR THE REST OF THE FAMILY TO SUPPORT HER BY WATCHING HER.
THE TRUTH IS THAT THE ONLY WAY WESTLEY WILL EVER HAVE ANY CONTROL AT ALL IS IF HE HAS CONTROL OF HIMSELF! THAT'S THE REAL IRONY OF IT ALL- THat while he is SO TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL OF HIMSELF AND ACTING CRAZY IT IS AN ATTEMPT TO CONTROL OTHERS yet in reality the only thing that happens is that he appears just crazy! AND SOMETIMES HE SUCCEEDS IN MANIPULATING AND SABATOGING WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A NORMAL FAMILY TIME OF TOGETHERNESS, but he doesn't REALLY END UP ACHIEVING MUCH! He doesn't REALLY end up with anything he desired! (EXCEPT IF THE ONLY THING HE REALLY WANTS IN THOSE MOMENTS IS TO DISRUPT AND SABATOGE THOSE FAMILY TIMES AS HE IS REALLY SO THREATENED BY TOGETHERNESS AND ACTUAL EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WItH THE FAMILY THAT HE IS EVEN FREAKED OuT BY TIME TOGETHER! AND THAT MAY BE THE WHOLE POINT OF THESE BEHAVIOR OUTBURSTS WHEN IT IS TIME FOR A PLANNED FAMILY EVENT TOGETHER. MAYBE HIS FEAR OF INTIMACY IS SO GREAT THAT HE REACTS THIS WAY-- BUT IN THE END HE WOULD END UP ALONE AND ISOLATED WHICH I DON"T REALLY THINK IS WHAT HE DESIRES! I THINK IN THOSE MOMENTS HE JUST FEELS THREATENED AND REACTS WItH THAT FIGHT MECHANISM OUT OF FEAR BUT I THInk HE IS JUST NOT FULLY AWARE OF THAT!
Its hard to go through though WITHOUT some dissasociation of not being EMOTIONAL when someone's issues result in them ABUSING ME! But it seems that I had that trait of IGNORING WHEN TEASED EARLY ON AS A MEANS OF COPING WITH THE NORMAL TEASING OF MY BROTHERS. I just developed a THICK SKIN from them alone, So now I KNOW that when WESTELY GOES INTO A FREAK OUT PSYCO MODE THAT IT IS NOT ABOUT ME OR THE KIDS OR ANYONE ELSE OTHER THAN HIM.
It would be nice if he SOMEDAY REALIZED that those abusive manipulative tactics NEVER WORK at giving HIM A SENSE OF SECURITY As EVEN IF THEY DID SUCCEED IN HIM CONTROLLING OTHERS THE REALITY IS THAT THEN HE WOULD THEN BE ALL THE MORE UNSTABLE AS HE WOULD HAVE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY GENERATED BY DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR BEING VALIDATED WHEN HE WAS NOT EVEN IN CONTROL OF HIMSELF!
MAybe someday he will APPRECHIATE THAT I DON'T ENABLE AND ASSIST HIM IN THAT DYSFUNCTIONAL EFFORT TO DENY HIS REAL LACK OF SELF CONTROL AND HIS ATTEMPTS TO DENY HIS LACK OF LOVE FOR HIMSELF AND HIS ATTEMPTS TO TRY TO APPEAR COMPETENT AND EMPOWERED BY DOMINATION OF ME! I BELIEVE IT IS THE GREATEST ACT OF LOVE FOR HIM THAT I INSTEAD REFUSE TO ALLOW WESTELY TO GO DOWN SUCH A SELF DESTRUCTIVE PATH AND SUCH A PATH THAT WOULD INEVITABLE DESTROY ME AND OUR KIDS AS WELL! ( that path that in the end does result in those 25 % of ABUSED SPOUSES WHO END UP DEAD! I AM SURE THEY END UP DEAD AS THEY ALLOW THE SELF DECEPTION AND DESTRUCTION OF THEMSELVES TO TAKE PLACE UNTIL THERE IS NO VOICE LEFT BUT THE ENABLED ILL ONE! ) I think it an ACT OF LOVE that I ENABLE WESTLEY TO FIND THE OTHER PARTS OF HIMSELF and TO ACKNOWLEDE AND CONTROL THAT TRULY EVIL SIDE OF HIMSELF Which is the manifestation OF HIM HAVING BEEN AN ABUSED CHILD.
I HOPE THAT HE WILL SOMEDAY REALIZE IT IS AN ACT OF LOVE TO HAVE THE EXPECTATION THAT HE TREAT NOT ONLY ME AND OUR CHILDREN BUT HIMSELF WITH GREAT RESPECT.
THAT IN ORDER TO RESPECT HIMSELF HE HAS TO FIRST TRULY ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE ALL PARTS OF HIMSELF AND THEN NURTURE HIMSELF! ( therapy to heal the wounds which have harmed him and that he is still affected by every day! He doesn't recognize this BUT IT IS CLEAR TO OTHERS THAT HE HAS HAD SOME MAJOR TRANSFERRANCE ISSUES! BOTH WITH TRANSFERRANCE OF HIS ANGER ONTO ME, AND THEN TRANSFERRANCE OF HIS LOVE ONTO ONLY SADIE WHILE EMOTIONALLY DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM ME! (THANK GOD HE IS NOT A DRINKER AS THAT EMOTIONAL PROBLEM ACCOMPANIED BY ALCOHOL WHICH FURTHR IMPEDES RATIONAL JUDGEMENT IS THE RECIPIE FOR INCEST! WESTLEY HAS MOST DEFINATELY MADE HIS RELATIONSHIP WItH SADIE AS THE CENTRAL ONE IN HIS LIFE! AND THANKFULLY I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN ANY INDICATION THAT HE WAS A VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE ALTHOUGH I REGULARLY READ ABOUT THAT AS WELL TO BE SURE TO WATCH FOR ANY POSSIbILITIES OF ABUSE JUST IN CASE!!!! WHEN MARRIED TO AN ABUSER WHO HAS ABUSED IN OthER WAYS I THINK IT WOULD BE NAIVE TO NOT ALSO BE CAREFUL AND WATCHFUL FOR THAT AS A POSSIBILITY!!!)
I HOPE WESTELY CAN LEARN THAT TO FORGIVE IS FREEING AND IS NECESSARY TO TRULY LOVE OTHERS. BUT THAT IN ORDER TO DO THAT YOU MUST FIRST FORGIVE YOURSELF.
I HOPE SOMEDAY HE WILL MORE FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT HE HAD BEEN ABUSED
BY HIS PARENTS
AND THAT HE NEEDS TO FORGIVE THEM
I BELIEVE HE IS SO ANGRY AND IN MANY WAYS SUBCONSIOUSLY TAKES ON THIS GUILT WHICH HAS BEEN DISPLACED, AND IN MANY WAYS TRIES TO DISPLACE THE SOURCE OF ANGER ONTO OTHERS. HE NEEDS TO RECOGNIZE IT FIRST, THEN DIRECT IT ACCORDINGLY WHERE IT REALLY BELONGS, OR LET GO OF IT AND LEARN THE HEALING OF FORGIVENESS.
THEN MAYBE HE WILL REALLY RECOGNIZE THAT HE IS LOVABLE
AND THEN RECOGNIXE THAT EVERYTIME I HAVE A THOUGHT THAT IS NOT CONGRUNT WITH HIS THAT IT IS NOT AN ATTACK.
THEN MAYBE HE WILL REALIZE THAT WHEN WE DISAGREE IT IS AT TIMES AN AMAZING ACT OF LOVE! IF I ONLY ACTED LIKE I AGREED WITH HIM WHEN I DON'T REALLY IT WOULD DEMONSTRATE A LACK OF TRUST IN HIS ABILITY TO ACCEPT AND RESPECT ME, AND IT WOULD DEMONSTRATE A FEAR OF HIM
MAYBE SOMEDAY HE WILL THANK ME FOR NOT FEARING HIM AND BEING TRUSTING ENOUGH OF HIM TO LOVE HIM, AND TRUSTING ENOUGH AND LOVING ENOUGH TO ALLOW BOTH OF US THE DISCOMFORT OF ADDRESSING THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO ADDRESS!
BUT REGARDLESS, I KNOW THAT WHETHER HE DOES OR NOT, I WILL BE HAPPY! I KNOW THAT I CAN NOT MAKE HIM COME TO SEE SOME OF THESE THINGS. I CAN ONLY HOPE FOR IT. IF HE DOESN'T COME TO SEE I CAN ACCEPT WHO HE IS AND HOW HE DOES LOVE IN THE WAYS HE CAN (SUCH AS PROVIDING FOR US ALL AND ENTERING INTO PROJECTS WITH THE FAMILY _ THE FARMING OR THE HOUSE IMPROVEMENT WHICH WE ALL DO TOGETHER) SO LONG AS IT IS NOT UNHEALTHY FOR MYSELF AND THE GIRLS AND SO LONG AS WE ALL HAVE A SENSE OF TRUST AND SECURITY PRESENT.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT AT THIS POINT THE GIRLS ALL HAVE THAT SENSE OF BEING LOVED BY BOTH PARENTS AND EXHIBIT SIGNS OF HEALTHY DEVELOPMENT AND SECURITY.
I HOWEVER HAVE A CONFIDENCE IN MY FUTURE REGARDLESS OF WESTELY.
I HAVE NO SENSE OF SECURITY IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH WESTLEY. ALTHOUGH IT IS HAS NOT BEEN AT A POINT OF MAJOR CRISIS THE VOLATILITY IS STILL THERE AS EVIDENCES THIS SAT. AND EVEN THOUGH WHEN THOSE MOMENTS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST FEW YEARS WESTELY HAS BEEN ABLE TO RE-GAIN HIS CONTROL AND THEY HAVEN'T ESCALATED TO THE POINT OF ME LEAVING OR SEEKING HELP IN CRISIS, I RECOGNIZE THAT THERE IS THAT POTENTIAL AS WELL!
SO WHILE HOPEFUL I ALWAYS WANT TO BE MINDFUL OF THAT POTENTIAL. I WANT TO FORGIVE BUT I DON'T EVER WANT TO FORGET EVEN ONE CUTTING REMARK, ONE PUSH OR SHOVE
I WANT TO ADDRESS THOSE AND ASSERT THAT THEY DO NOT BELONG IN A RELATIONSHIP EVER!
I BELIEVE THAT IN NURTURING MYSELF THROUGH
OTHER RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY I CAN STILL BE SELF ACTUALIZED EVEN WITH AN IMPERFECT MARRIAGE! EVEN IF WESTELY NEVER UNDERSTANDS HIS ISSUES AND NEVER REALLY ADDRESSES THEM ALL AS LONG AS HE DOESN't CONTINUE TO BE ABUSIVE I THINK WE COULD BE OK!
I KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY DO LOVE HIM AND THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO DEMONSTRATE THAT BY MY ACTIONS OF ACCEPTING HIM AS LONG AS HE IS ABLE TO RESPECT AND LOVE ME EVEN IF HE IS NOT PERFECT
I AM THINKING THAT ONE OF THE MOST LOVING THINGS HE SAID TO ME WAS WHEN HE SUGGESTED THAT HE LEAVE BECAUSE HE RECOGNIZED THAT IT WAS NOT HEALTHY THAT HE HAD RESORTED TO PHYSICALLY GRABBING ME (ONE TIME IN THE PAST!)
THAT CONSIOUSNESS OF HOW WRONG HE WAS AND HIS ACTUAL FEAR AT HIS OWN ACTIONS AND FEAR OF HIS DARK SIDE WAS AN ACKNOWELDGEMENT OF HIS TOTAL SELF AND AND ADMISSION OF VULNERABILITY AND NEEDING SOME HELP AND ACCOUNTABILITY THAT HE HAD BEEN WRONG AND DIDN'T WANT TO ALLOW HIMSELF TO TREAT ME OR ANYONE ELSE IN THAT MANNER. HIS SUGGESTION THAT HE LEAVE WAS INDEED OUT OF LOVE. HAD HE LEFT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ACT OF LOVE. BUT US BOTH AGREEING TO STAY TOGETHER AND ADDRESS THE PROBLEMS WAS OUR CHOICE AND ACT OF LOVE TOGETHER.
EVEN THOUGH IT HAS ENDED UP AT TIMES "TOUGH LOVE" , AS WHEN I CALLED 911, I AM STILL HERE BECAUSE I BELIEVE WE BOTH HAVE THE POTENTIAL AND SKILLS TO SUCCED AT THIS.
BECAUSE I LOVED HIM ENOUGH TO NOT JUST LEAVE AT HIS ABUSIVENESS, BUT TO NOT ALLOW HIM TO IGNORE IT AND TO FORCE HIM TO HAVE SOME ACCOUNTABITY. I BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO SO WITHOUT BEING A VICTIM. I HAVE ONLY FELT LIKE A VICTIM ON THAT FIRST OCCASSION WHEN HE DID HIT ME AND I WAS COMPLETELY VULNERABLE.
I FEEL LIKE ANY TIME AFTER THAT OCCASSION THAT EVEN WHEN HE HAS BEEN ABUSIVE THAT I AM STILL EMPOWERED AS HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ACT IN THAT MANNER WITHOUT ME BOTH TELLING EVERYONE OF IT AND WITHOUT HAVING PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY HIMSELF. I FEEL LESS LIKE A VICTIM THAN REALLY LIKE A LOVING SPOUSE THAT IS
ACTUALLY ABLE TO FORGIVE WHEN HE ERRS AND SCREWS UP AND EMULATES THE DYSFUNCTION HE GREW UP WITH AS LONG AS IT IS A SMALL TRANSGRESSION AND NOT WITH GREAT FREQUENCY.
I TRACKED EVERY INSTANCE OF VERBAL, physical and psycological abuse so I can REALLY LOOK AT THE COMPLETE HONEST picture and LOOK AT THE AGGREGATE AND NOT DECEIVE MYSELF AS TO THE REALITY OF HIS ABUSE!
AND WHEN I LOOK AT THAT I ALWAYS EVALUATE WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD STAY IN THIS MARRIAGE.
I decided long ago THAT WESTELY really isn't very threatening to ME PERSONALLY OR THE KIDS AS I WILL ALWAYS BE EMPOWERED TO PROTECT THEM AND MYSELF BUT WHAT IS SCARY IS HOW HE THREATENS HIS OWN SECURITY AND SAFETY OF OUR WHOLE FAMILY SYSTEM TO SUCH A DEGREE! IT IS MOST SCARY THAT HE WOULD CHOOSE SUCH A BAD CHOICE AS PUSHING ME AND JEPORDIZE THE SUCURITY AND HEALTH OF THE WHOLE FAMILY AND INSTILL HARM UPON HIMSELF AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE! HE COULD HAVE HURT ME PHYSICALLY, BUT THE EVEN GREATER THREAT IS THAT HE DEMONSTRATED AN EXAMPLE OF CONTROLLING AND MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR AS A MEANS TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. AND THE GREATEST PERSONAL THREAT FROM SUCH AN ACTION OF HIS WOULD BE ARREST AND JAIL TIME. THAT'S SUCH A REAL THREAT THAT YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WHEN SO ANGRY.
FORTUNATELY THE GIRLS WERE IN THE CAR AS I WAS STILL GETTING READY AT THAT POINT (I WANTED TO BE SURE NOT TO FORGET THE CAMERA TO CAPTURE SADIE'S IMPORTANT MOMENT!) I CHOSE TO NOT ALLOW THIS DISTRACTION TO BECOME THE FOCAL POINT DETRACTING FROM SADIES FIRST GAME!
I ATTEMPTED TO PUT ALL THE CRAP HE WAS TRYING TO MAKE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THEN ON THE BACK BURNER AND KEEP SADIE AS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE MOMENT, SO I JUST WALKED OUT THE DOOR AND INTO THE CAR.
HE YELLED "THAT'S MY GAS I PAID FOR IN YOUR CAR AND I DON'T GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO USE IT."
I IGNORED HIM.
HE THEN however PULLED HIS CAR SIDEWAYS TO BLOCK THE DRIVEWAY.
I took out the stroller and put the youngest in it and we started the walk toward the place of the game. I thought "Oh well- we'll be late BUT WE ARE GOING AS A FAMILY AND IF HE WANTS TO GROW UP AND JOIN US HE CAN."
HE however told SADIE NOT TO GO WITH ME. I still didn't enter into a debate or discussion with him and the rest of us started walking.
AND THEN IT STARTED TO RAIN. I DECIDED TO KEEP GOING ANYWAY. WE HAD MADE IT ONLY TO THE CORNER. AFTER ANOTHER BLOCK THE YOUNGEST IN THE STROLLER WAS UNHAPPY WItH THE RAIN SO WE TURNED AROUND AND CAME HOME.
Westely said he wasn't taking Sadie to her game, but that she wanted to spend time with him and he would take her and KAtie Out BY HIMSELF AS HE PLANNED AND THEY WOULD GO SOMEWHERE ELSE
HE SAID "YOU ARE NOT TO GO TO THE GAME." and he said "DON'T FOLLOW ME"
I asked Sadie if that was really what she wanted to do, and she seemed happy to have time with DADDY so I said "Fine. Enjoy"
Raitlin was the only kid who was upset as she wanted to go see SADIE's GAME. I gave the littlest two a snack and then we drove to the game.
WE DISCOVERED THAT THEY DO PLAY IN THE RAIN.
And then we came right back home as it of course isn't really of interest WHEN YOU KID ISN'T THERE. I did get a sense of how long the game would be and that there are ALOT OF KIDS ON THE TEAM so they rotate and all get turns, AND THE SENSE THAT IF WESTELY CALMED DOWN ENOUGH AND WANTED TO BRING HER SHE COULD JOIN IN LATE WITHOUT IT BEING A BIG DEAL.
I called him just to tell him that they were still playing should he want to take her. He had calmed by then and we talked. He had felt LIKE I WAS BEING CONTROLLING TRYING TO INTENTIONALLY THWART THE PLANS HE MADE WITH SADIE AND KATIE. HE ARTULATED THAT EVEN IF I AM THERE THAT HE GETS TOTALLY STRESSED OUT WHEN ALL THE GIRLS ARE TOGETHER AS IT IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HIM ALL THE TIME SO HE WANTS THAT TIME WITH ONE ON ONE OR JUST A COUPLE OF THEM. I TOLD HIM THAT IS FINE- BUT HE HAS TO BE MORE CLEAR IN HIS COMMUNICATION IN ARTICULATING THAT DESIRE AND THEN APPROPRIATELY PLANNING FOR THAT TIME- NOT SABATOGING PLANS AT THE LAST MINUTE. HE SAW ME AS SABATOGING HIS PLANS.
I TOLD HIM WE INDEED HAD A COMMUNICATION PROBLEM AS I HAD NO IDEA HE DIDN'T WANT THE REST OF US TO GO. HE SAID ONCE HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT THEN I REFUSED TO LISTEN TO HIM. I SAID THAT LISTENING TO HIM DOES NOT EQUATE AGREEING WItH HIM ALL THE TIME and I LISTENED AND DISAGREED AND REFUSED TO BE MANIPULATED.
I ALSO SAID THAT WHILE I WOULD BE GLAD TO HONOR HIS NEED FOR TIME WITH THE GIRLS ONE ON ONE THAT I DIDN'T THINK IT APPROPRIATE OR FAIR TO PICK A CHILD'S ACTIVITY TO BE THAT TIME. I TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS NOT FAIR TO SADIE (who had indeed ASKED EVERYONE ALL WEEK IF THEY WERE COMING TO SEE HER GAME. SHE THEN ON SAT SHE WANTED ONLY DADDY TO COME CLEARLY AFRAID OF DISAPPOINTING HIM OR HAVING HIM GET ANGRY AT HER!!!
THAT BEHAVIOUR IN HER CONCERNS ME AND IT SHOULD CONCERN HIM!
IF HE CONTINUED TO ACT MANIPULATIVE AND PIT US AGAINST EACH OTHER WITH THE CHILDREN ASKED TO CHOOSE A PARENT TO BE INVOLVED IN THEIR ACTIVITIES WE WOULD INDEED BE SUCH THE PICTURE OF DYSFUNCTION AND BE RAISING OUR GIRLS TO FUTURES WITH ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING MEN!
I HOPE WE HAVE NOT ALREADY DONE THAT!
I HOPE IT IS NOT TOO LATE AND THAT THE MISTAKES WE HAVE BOTH MADE ARE NOT TOO PERMANENTLY DAMAGING TO OUR DAUGHTER's SENSE OF SELF AND ESTEEM.
I DID APOLOGIZE TO SADIE FOR HER HAVING BEEN PULLED INTO THE MIDDLE OF WHAT I TOLD HER WAS " a communication problem between Daddy and I which SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ADDRESSED ON THE MORNING OF YOUR GAME AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED IN A HEALTHY MANNER, RATHER THAN WITH ABUSIVE LANGUAGE AND CONTROLLING ACTION RIGHT IN FRONT OF SHE AND HER SISTERS."
I TOLD HER THAT WE HAD RESOLVED THE PARTICULAR DISAGREEMENT AS WE DID AGREE THAT NEXT SAT WESTELY CAN TAKE SADIE AND ONE SIBLING TO HER GAME. HE REALLY JUST WANTS THAT BIT OF TIME WITH HER BY HERSELF AND I SAID I CAN HONOR HIS REQUEST HAVING NOW TALKED ABOUT IT IN A HEALTHY MANNER. WHICH WE DID FORTUNATLEY! HE DID APOLOGIZE AND ADMIT IT WAS WRONG FOR HIM TO PUSH ME.
NOW my other ramblings written earlier about unlocking this journal:
I figure that I DON"T ACTUALLY USE REAL NAMES
And who knows if SOMETHING written is of HELP or INSIGHT to someone I don't know who comes across it!
While I write primarily for myself, there is ALSO the function of this as INTENTIONAL COMMUNICATION with a few friends I have specifically invited to read, but why cut off communication with anyone else? ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS SOMETHING DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT.
I SHOULD JUST INVITE WESTELY TO READ... but I worry that to do so would them cause me to EDIT AND BE CONCERNED ABOUT OFFENDING and in a way then this writing would not be as emotionally honest! I HAVE A NEED TO WRITE IN PARTICULAR WHEN HE HAS BEEN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE AS MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH IS NOT DEPENDENT ON COMMUNICATION WITH HIM IN PARTICULAR BUT IS AFFECTED BY MAINTAINING A NUMBER OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS!
THIS IS A GREAT MEANS OF DOING SO IN PARTICULAR DURING THIS TIME OF MY LIFE WHEN I AM HOME WITH LITTLE CHILDREN AND NOT AS AVAILABLE TO DEVELOP NEW FRIENDSHIPS OR NURTURE OLD ONES!
I have wondered if I AM MERELY CHICKEN and avoiding confrontation and DISCUSSION ABOUT WHETHER I AM TO WRITE ON LINE OR NOT,BY NOT DIRECTLY INVITING WESTELY TO MY SITE!
I BELEIVE THAT IS NOT THE CASE AS LONG AGO I BECAME DETERMINED TO NEVER WALK ON EGG SHELLS, AND NEVER BECOME THE SHELL OF A WOMAN WHO LIVES IN FEAR THAT MY INDIVIDUAL CHOICES AND ACTIONS COULD SOMEHOW BE A CAUSE OF ANOTHER'S ILLNESS AND RAGE... AS I RECOGNIZE THOSE WITH EITHER A MENTAL ILLNESS OF A PERONALITY DISORDER, OR MERELY ANGER MANAGEMENT/IMPULSE CONTROL ISSUES THAT MANIFEST IN CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR REALLY CAN MAKE CHOICES IN HOW THEY MANAGE THIER OWN ISSUES AND COMMUNICATION AND IF THEY WANT TO BE IN DENIAL THEY REALLY SHOULD'T BE GIVEN PERMISSION TO BE SO! THEY SHOULD'T BE VALIDATED IN THE SELF DECEPTION THAT ANYTHING ANYONE ELSE DOES EVER CAN BE THE CAUSE OF THEIR OWN LACK OF PERSONAL EQUILIBRIUM IN LIFE, AND IF THEY ARE TO BE SO SELF DECEPTIVE THEY WILL CONTINUE TO FIND "Excuses" FOR THEMSELF AND CONTINUE TO invent WAYS TO TRY TO avoid personal accountability AND blame others! SO IT REALLY MAKES NO DIFFERENCE IF THOSE AROUND THEM TRY TO CONTROL THE ENVIRONMENT TO AVOID CONFRONTATION! ITS NOT POSSIBLE! THE CONFRONTATION IS NEVER THE RESULT OF SOMEONE DOING ANYTHING TO PUSH A BUTTON, BUT THE CONFRONTATION IS ONLY THE RESULT OF ALLOWING A PERSON WHO THEMSELF IS CARRYING THEIR OWN ISSUES BEING ALLOWED TO TRY TO PLACE THEIR BURDEN ON ANOTHER.
IF ONE DOESN'T RESPOND TO THAT ATTEMPT IT IS REMARKABLE HOW WHAT COULD HAVE APPEARED AS A CONFRONTATION OR ARGUMENT IS MORE CLEARLY JUST ONE PERSON OUT OF CONTROL!
Even if the person later trys to NAME their behavior as AN ARGUMENT its really not too hard to point out WHEN YOU IN FACT DIDN'T ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION, OR DID WALK AWAY , OR DID NOT RESPOND AND GET PULLED IN THAT THEIR BEHAVIOR WAS THEIR OWN, and that you had in the moment REFUSED TO ENTER A DISCUSSION OR ARGUMENT AND LEFT THEM ALONE TO DO THEIR OWN THING, AND THAT IT HAD NOTHING TO WITH YOU. I THINK TO BE CENTERED AND CLEAR HEADED AND TO NOT GET PULLED IN IS AN AMAZING GIFT OF STRENGTH Which while it at first CAN BE THREATENING to a CONTROLLER, I believe leads to establishing that CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR WILL NOT WORK IN ACHIEVING A POSITIVE OUTCOME.
IN OTHER WORDS, NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR DON'T DO , WESTELY's ISSUES ARE SO CLEARLY HIS THAT WILL BE WITH HIM AND HE WILL ALWAYS STRUGGLE WITH THEM
NOt to imply that I don't have MY ISSUES THAT I ALSO HAVE TO DEAL WITH ! OF COURSE I DO! HOWEVER ONE ISSUE I DON'T HAVE AND WON'T EVER HAVE IS LOSING THAT SENSE OF SELF BY ALLOWING WESTLEY OR ANYONE TO BECOME MORE IMPORTANT TO MYSELF THAT I CENSOR MYSELF OUT OF FEAR
NOt that I think it unhealthy to have RESPECT AND A CERTAIN EMPATHY AND SELF CENSORSHIP IN COMMUNICATING IN A MANNER WHICH IS NOT CALLOUS AND HURTFUL AND UNCARING... WE SHOULD LOVE WITH RESPECT and NOT ATTACK OR NAME CALL OR DISRESPECT ANOTHER.
SOMETIMES HOWEVER THERE IS A NAMING OF A PROBLEM THAT MUST BE DONE WHICH WILL BE HURTFUL. IT IS VERY DIFFERENT TO SUGGEST PROFESSIONAL HELP WHEN ALL THE SYMPTOMS OF AN ACTUAL ORGANIC BRAIN DISORDER EXIST than it is to yell and attack a person! SO I HAVE NAMED THINGS ABOUT WESTELY, CALLING THEM WHAT I BELEIVE SOME MAY IDENTIFY THEM AS BEING POSSIBLE CALLED because
So in a way I THINK SHOULD WESTLEY EVER COME ACROSS THIS SITE IT WOULD BE A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR THE MOST HONEST EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY COMMUNICATION POSSIBLE! He often acts emotionally unavailable when I ASK TO TALK TO HIM. IF he wants to ever have that REAL INTIMACY HE COULD APPROACH AND INITATE CONVERSATION ABOUT ANYTHING I HAVE EVER ASKED TO TALK ABOUT OR ANYTHING OF MINE HE HAPPENS TO COME ACROSS...
SO I am unlocking this diary and just not worrying about WHO reads it! (In particular not worrying if WESTELY does as there is nothing I have written here that he hasn't been offered the opportunity TO HEAR - of he was LISTENING WHEN I TALK TO HIM, or really engaged in reading and thinking about the things I have written and shared with him.)
AND I REALLY HAVE A NEED TO WRITE TO ACTUALLY CONNECT WITH THOSE FRIENDS WHO ARE NOT IN MY DAILY LIFE !THIS IS SUCH A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR THAT BUT I DON'T LIKE MAKING IT DIFFICULT BY HAVING PASSWORDS! (Also not to mention for one friend I picked a password and LATER realized it was a knickname SHE REALLY WANTS TO LEAVE IN HER PAST! SORRY! I WANT TO RESPECT THAT PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO CLAIM THEIR NAME AND ALSO RENOUNCE "KNICKNAMES" THAT OTHERS HAVE GIVEN OR IMPOSED THAT THEY DON'T WISH TO EMBRACE!)
I read an article about a teacher who imposed an undesired name on a student, thinking it was "funny". This teacher did so with all his students and many apprechiated his humor and personal attention. She however considered it a personal VICTORY that FINALLY IN THE THIRD YEAR OF HER CLASSES WITH HIM AS HER TEACHER (of a subject area) HE RESPECTED HER WISHES OF HONORING HER NAME!
When the teacher was ARRESTED for an improper and ILLEGAL LIASON with a student at that ALL GIRLS CATHOLIC HS in BUFFALO that young woman wrote her story of the simple disrespect of her name and the struggle against this man of POWER AND INTELLIGENT CUNNING and how hard that was for her without surprise that he went much further in his abuse of his position with other girls throught the years. The rumors had been there but never before did anyone delve into them.
THERE IS A LESSON THERE TO BE LEARNED! IT IS OFTEN TRUE THAT WHEN THERE IS SMOKE THERE IS FIRE!
I in fact today received my mail and READ the copy of the NEW YORK STATE FAMILY SERVICES REPORT.
I was surprised by what I read. WHAT SURPRISED ME WAS THAT I HAD EXPECTED IT TO BE EGREGOUS EXAGGERATIONS AND FINDINGS BASED ON THE LIES TOLD RATHER THAN A FAIR REPRESENTATION OF THE TRUTH THAT I HAD ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGED. HOWEVER IT WAS NOT. THE REPORT LISTS THE ALLEGATIONS BASED ON LIES FACTUALLY AND THEN FINDINGS OF "NONE" NEXT TO THE LIES! YEAH!!
THE ALLEGATION MADE BY THE CHILDREN'S GRANDMOTHER WHO THEY NOW LIVE WITH CLAIMED WESTELY WAS REGULARLY VIOLENT AND THE HARM DONE TO KATERINA AND SOREN WAS "LACERATIONS, BRUISES AND WELTS"
THE NY INVESTIGATOR WROTE NONE next to findings seeking evidence of those allegations. THE FINDINGS OF INVESTIGATION OF ALLEGATIONS OF PHYSICAL HARM WERE DECIDED TO BE UNSUBSTANTIATED.
HOWEVER IT ALSO LISTED ALLEGATION OF INADEQUATE GUARDIANSHIP FOR WESTELY AND THEN THE DECISION "SUBSTANTIATED"
AS WELL AS THE ALLEGTION OF
"EXCESSIVE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT" with the DECISION "SUBSTANTIATED" WHICH I TOTALLY AGREE WITH PHILOSOPHICALLY BUT THINK IS JUST BS WHEN IT COMES TO THAT AS A DETERMINATION IN NY!
I AGREE IN THEORY AS I DID NOT ACCEPT WESTLEY'S USE OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. WHEN IT COMES TO THE ISSUE OF WHETHER HIS ACTIONS HOWEVER WERE INDEED EXCESSIVE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT THE LEGAL CRITERION THEN HAVE TO BE MET, and IN EVALUATING THAT QUESTION THE LAWS IN THE PLACE OF THE ALLEGED EVENT ARE TO BE APPLIED, AND UNDER VA LAW THE ALTHOUGH ACTUAlLY ABUSIVE EVENT WITH KATERINA THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE THING DOES NOT FALL UNDER THE ACTS WHIcH ARE LEGALLY DEFINED AS EXCESSIVE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. IN FACT I DON'T THINK THEY COULD BE CONSIDERED SUCH IN NY EITHER UNLESS THERE WAS ACTUAL PHYSICAL HARM! THE WHOLE REASON FOR THOSE LAWS BEING THE WAY THEY ARE Is THAT THEY DON'T WANT KIDS BEIng TAKEN FROM HOMES ON AN OCCASSION OF A PARENT BEING INAPPROPRIATE JUST ONE TIME, AND THEY WANT TO ALLOW PARENTS THE DISCRETION TO CHOOSE TO USE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT IF THEY BELIEVE IT IS A USEFUL PARENTING TECHNIQUE AS THERE IS NO CONSENSUS ON THIS ISSUE OF WHETHER IT IS DAMAGING OR NOT WHEN USED IN A MANNER THAT IS NOT EXCESSIVE! I JUST READ FAMILY FIRST BY Dr. PHIL since it was here thanks to old Italian AUNT MARY, and noticed he has a whole section of articles cited from THE PRO SPANKIN ADVOCATES!
THUS THE EXCESSIVE USE OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT AS EVIDENCED BY LACERATIONS, BRUISED OR WELTS IS THE LEGAL STANDARD BY WHICH ABUSE IS JUDGED!
SO THAT REALLY IS BULLSHIT THAT WESTLEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOUNDED TO BE GUILTY OF ABUSE OF EXCESSIVE CORPORAL PUNISHEMENT FROM THE ONE INCIDENT W/ KATERINA AND THE FEW TIMES IN THE WEEKS LEADING TO THAT WHEN I ADDRESSED HIM STARTING TO USE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT AND I STOPPED IT AS I DID NOT ACCEPT IT! AND IN PARTICULAR THAT THIS COULD BE A FINDING IN NY STATE OF SOMETHING ALLEGEDLY HAPPENING IN VA!
BOTH MY NAME AND WESTELY's NAME AS THOSE ALLEGED TO HAVE PROVIDED INADEQUATE GUARDIANSHIP AND ABUSED CHILDREN AND THEN "UNFOUNDED" next to mine with the comment that I PROTECTED MY CHILDREN AND IN FACT HAD AN ORDER OF PROTECTION TO PROTECT CHILDREN FROM WESTLEY.
THE FACT OF THE ORDER OF PROTECTION WHICH INDICATED LIKELIHOOD OF HARM WAS SURELY A FACTOR IN WHY THE FOLKS IN NY GAVE THE SUBSTANTIATED FINDING. THEY ASSUMED THAT A LIKELIHOOD OF HARM IN THAT MOMENT WHICH CAUSED THE ORDER OF PROTECTION TO BE RECOMMENDED TO ME BY THE POLICE AND VA MAGISTRATE IS THE EQUIVALENT OF THERE ACTUALLY HAVING BEEN HARM OF CHILDREN. NOW I ACKNOWLEDGE THERE WAS HARM DONE TO US ALL- BUT I STILL THINK NOT TO THE DEGREE WHICH JUSTIFIED THE OUTCOME OF THE KIDS BEING RETAINED IN NY IN WHAT WAS REALLY A VIOLATION OF Our CUSTODY AGREEMENT WITHOUT REASON.
SO the REPORT VALIDATES THAT WHAT WAS LIED ABOUT WAS NOT SUBSTATIATED, and INDEED IT ALSO VALIDATES THE REALITY THAT I HAD TOLD EVERYONE SO I AM GLAD TO HAVE RECEIVED IT EVEN THOUGH I DISAGREE WITH THE ONE LEGAL DETERMINATION OF "SUBSTANTIATED" REGARDING WESTLEY. AN ORDER OF PROTECTION WAS INDEED ISSUED AS THERE WAS A LIKELYHOOD OF HARM! I WAS WISE TO DO THAT TO PROTECT US ALL FROM THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL WESTELY WAS IN AT THAT TIME! AND IT WAS EFFECTIVE! HAVING CALLED THE POLICE AND SOUGHT ASSISTANCE NOT ONLY PROTECTED BUT FACILITATED ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ASSISTANCE OF HIS ABUSIVENESS. HOWEVER I THINK IT UNFORTUNATE THAT THOSE ACTIONS WHICH DONE TO PROTECT WERE THEN USED MANIPULATIVELY AND THAT THE KIDS GRANDMOTHER AND FATHER LIED IN THEIR ALLEGATIONS AND IN THE CUSTODY PETITION!
ONE GOOD THING IS THAT THE REPORT ALSO STATED "MOTHER WILL BE UNFOUNDED. MOTHER HAD AN ORDER OF PROTECTION AGAINST FATHER FOR CHILDREN.MOTHER APPEARED TO TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTIONS AGAINST FATHER FOR CHILDREN. NO SERVICES TO BE PROVIDED AT THIS TIME."
SO the good news of TODAY is that I FINALLY HAVE IT CONFIRMED IN WRITING IN A FORM THAT I CAN INTRODUCE INTO EVIDENCE THAT SUBSTANTIATES THAT I INDEED HAVE NEVER FAILED TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN!
HAD I A COPY OF THIS REPORT DURING THE Custody battle I likely would not have had to settle the case!
BUT OF COURSE NOW WESTLEY HAS TO ACT ABUSIVELY YET AGAIN AND WHAT IS MOST UPSETTING OF THIS NOW IS THAT I AM SURE THE TIMING OF IT IS NOT A COINCIDENCE!!
I HAD JUST STARTED TALKING TO HIM ABOUT MAKING PLANS FOR THE SUMMER AND talked to him saying I HOPED THAT THE KID'S FATHER AND GRANDMOTHER ARE NOT MANIPULATIVELY TRYING TO DISCOURAGE THE KIDS FROM WANTING TO SPEND TIME WITH BOTH OF US! WHEN I ASKED KATERINA IF SHE WANTED TO VISIT ME WITH WESTLEY SHE SAID "SURE!" I ASKED HER IF SHE WAS AFRAID OF HIM AND SHE SAID "NO" WE talked about the abuse he did partake in ! Then the basketball game began....
OK HERE I GO AGAIN. I FELL ASLEEP AND CONTINUED TO WRITE MY DREAM! ITS THAT NARCOLEPSY THING of falling asleep directly into a dream state WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING SOMETHING! Hmmm... this happened earlier but I think somehow that part of my