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2006-06-02 - 8:39 a.m.

YAH YAH YAH!!! I wrote the rest of this entry earlier today! Since then I was able to find the # of the wonderful lady who sat for me before who is AVAILABLE and COMING TO BABYSIT tommorrow from noon to 8pm! YAH! I am going to go to my reunion events BOTH FRI and SAT night and return home Sun Morn! I also got a call from a wonderful frined and am meeting her for breakfast on Sat morn at her house. I AM NOT cancelling my arranged babsitter in BUFFALO JUST IN CASE for some reason WESTLEY doesn't show up in time for me to leave tonight. I decided NOT to hire the sitter HERE for tonight though but to just keep the one in Buffalo lined up and I will PAY HER when I get there EVEN IF no kids are in tow. So she shouldn't be TOO disappointed if I hand her the $50 for her time but don't need her. (That's FAIR!) Should I have to leave WITH KIDS to make my weekend event I will then call to cancel the help for tommorrow, and in that event just take all the kids, as well as Katerina and Soren to the FAMILY PICNIC tommorrow. So regardless of what happenes I know I have planned for all possibilities and will have ANOTHER wonderful weekend! Oh and one more thing I forgot to write: Yesterday when taking Sadie to Baskin Robins where she enjoyed her FREE BIRTHDAY ICE CREAM and we used a coupon to order a FATHER'S DAY CAKE I was a bit impulsive when a driver was WAITING FOR ME TO TURN and I motioned for the old bitty kind lady to GO As SHE HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY. I just am NOT comforable when people STOP to let me drive into a driveway and they HESITATE about doing so. That hesitation of hers of driving, then slowing and then stopping and then looking confused at me NOT GOING sent the ALARM to BE AFRAID TO GO in front of HER AS I HESITATED AND HADN'T IMMEDIATELY ACCEPTED HER OFFER TO GO. I figured if I WENT when I have no right of way based on her kindness and if she THEN FIGURED I wasn't going to turn that it was a recipie for an accident. SO I did something EVEN MORE STUPID I DROVE FORWARD AND PULLED AROUND HER, BEHIND HER in my IMPATIENCE THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY HOLDING ME UP WITH HER GOOD WILL! Now I am USUALLY a VERY PATIENT DRIVER! Not so, but I was IMPULSIVE and INDEED MISJUDGED and couldn't SEEMLESSLY turn into the driveway of Baskin Robbins, but instead EMBARASSINGLY has to make a THREE POINT TURN TO REALIGN while aware of the BUS coming down the road (Due to the EXTRA Time to REALIGN MY CAR!) SO I then TOO QUICKLY and STILL NOT ALIGNED PROPERLY POPPED MY TIRE OVER THE CURB AS I PULLED INTO BASKING ROBBINS. What is MOST embarassing is that THE DRIVER of that on coming bus happened to be SADIE'S FRIEND's MOM who I just met at her party! I HOPE SHE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE US AND am so happy I had parked my car elsewhere than at home on SAT for the ease of the party goers! (Even though that sadly resulted in my parents assuming we were not home so they came by and left a # of times SAT morn and I kept wondering WHY THEY HADN'T COME OVER EARLIER frustrated they were not around to spend that time with and thinking they were not enjoying time in my home! Oh well! See maybe some good came out of that as maybe the mom will still want to be friends with us and won't think me crazy as she surely would if she knows that is me! I am SO LUCKY that the OTHER MOM neighbor STILL is friendly after she witnesses another non medicated moment when I made all the kids crazily run chasing the bus down to try to catch it-- an insane notion and not nice to the litte ones!!!) But I really came on to write for these few moments while girls are getting shoes and socks on to DRIVE SADIE to SCHOOL (as they had to eat and I decided to have them ALL EAT NOW rather than spend time feeding everyone TWICE. Often SADIE eats alone and then we all eat.) I realized as it was lunch time THAT I TOTALLY FORGOT THIS MORN THAT I HAVE TO RUN THAT ERRAND TO FIX THE TIRE!!! AHHH!!!! IT really just AMAZES ME that I have this ability to FORGET ABOUT THINGS IMPORTANT TO ME!!! I HAVE TO GO do that NOW after driving Sadie to school so I can get away for my College reunion! I yesterday took care of mailing all the legal paperwork to my Buffalo attny. The same one I fired last time who graciously accepted my settlement of paying her bill monthly who also gracious offered to help me if I need help anymore. I was a pain in the ass client both through my divorce and custody battle - I KNOW THAT, so I am grateful she is willing to do so. Even with her imperfections and the fact she is not necesarilly the best available she is still better than NO ATTORNEY should I decide to respond to the nonsense- which I think I REALLY SHOULN'T just blow off SINCE I WANT TO PASS A BAR SOMEDAY! I mean lack of respect for a SOPENA and ignoring a court order to show up can be seen as disresgard of authority of the court. SO EVEN IF it is SO cut and dry I figure I AT LEAST had better either show up or have an attny show up on my behalf. AND ALTHOUGH in this case the obviouly NARCISSIC HARD CORE ASS she used to work with might in fact be the best choice for me as far as RESULTS in the court as her WONDERFUL NEGOTIATION STYLE WAS STOMPED ON, I can't afford the often more effective ASSHOLE and frankly when its money I am forking over I would really RATHER SUPPORT a practice of someone I like and respect EVEN THOUGH I COULD LIKELY GET BETTER RESULTS FROM THE ASS. But I can't afford his $4000. retainer fee. I can afford her ONLY IF SHE DOESN"T DEMAND A RETAINER. I can swing her $250 an hour for what I hope is only a one hour court appearance ONE TIME but if it is to be dragged on I will then just go PRO SE AGAIN. And she might not be able to show up for me anyway-- but AT LEAST I REMEMBERED TO MAIL ALL THE PAPERS TO HER SO IT IS A POSSIBILITY. I STILL might just not bother going. It depends on whether I can afford to travel or not. MY PRIORITY really is MY REUNION as There is literally NOT MUCH A COURT COULD TAKE FROM ME AT THIS POINT ANYWAY! And SANCTIONS ARE ONLY IMPOSED ON PARENTS WHO INTERFERE WITH THE OTHER PARENT'S INVOLVEMENT IN CHILDREN's lives-- so if I do show up it will be because I can afford to and out of respect for the court. The kids think it nonsense and I was MOST UPSET that when I asked if they knew anything about another court case THAT THEY SAID YES AND THEN EXPRESSED BEING UPSET BY THIS! I SAID "I wish your DAD hadn't mentioned this to you- as I want you to know THIS REALLY IS NOT ABOUT YOU AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. ITS JUST THAT EVERYONE DOES LOVE YOU AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE THAT LOVE KIDS HAVE TROUBLE TRUSING OTHERS TO CARE FOR THEM. BUT ITS REALLY HIS ISSUE OF FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN, BASED ON THE FACT HE KNOWS THAT WESTELY WAS ABUSIVE AT TIMES BUT FEAR OF WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE THAT HE DOESN"T KNOW!" The kids told me they had NOT BEEN uncomfortable BUT HAPPY to see my home EVEN WHEN WESTLEY WAS UPSTAIRS and that they told their dad "WHAT WAS HE GOING TO Do? Mom told him she was coming with us and he agreed to stay upstairs" And they said their DAD said "But he didn't always listen to your MOther in the past, so I am not comfortable thinking he'll listen to her now" I acknowledged ONCE AGAIN that YES WESTELY HAD INDEED BEEN ABUSIVE AND HADN"T LISTENED TO ME WHEN I TOLD HIM TO STOP TRYING TO DISCIPLINE WITH CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, AND TO STOP THE VERBAL THREAT AND INDEED HE DID NOT LISTEN AND WAS VERY ABUSIVE WHEN HE HIT KATERINA IN THE HEAD! I asked though if THEY WERE AFRAID that would happen again and they both said "NO - BECAUSE YOU CALLED THE POLICE" AND I SAID ABUSE HAPPENS WHEN ADULTS ALLOW IT TO, OR WHEN IT IS HIDDEN AND THEY DO IT WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND AND NO ONE BELIEVES WHEN THE ABUSED TELLS OTHERS ABOUT IT. I ASSURED THEM NO ONE EVER QUESTIONS THAT WESTELY WAS INDEED ABUSIVE AND THAT FACT WOULD NEVER BE IGNORED! I told them there ARE THREE OPTIONS WHEN ONE IS ABUSIVE I SAID THE BEST IS TO LEAVE. I SAID THE OTHER IS TO SEEK HELP AND ACCOUNTABILITY AND STAY ONLY IF THE ABUSER IS INDEED RESPONSIVE TO HELP. AND I SAID THE THIRD IS TO LET IT HAPPEN, AND I TOLD THEM THAT I WOULD INDEED NEVER ACCEPT IT AND LET IT CONTINUE, I said THAT FOR ME THAT IS NOT NOR EVER WILL BE AN OPTION, AND THAT I AM VERY OPEN TO THE OPTION OF LEAVING, AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OPEN TO THAT OPTION IF THE SECOND METHOD OF SEEKING HELP DOES NOT PROVE EFFECTIVE. And Soren added "And we did leave. I remember when we moved ...." And I acknowledged that AT THAT TIME I LEFT BECAUSE OF BOTH VERBAL ABUSE OF THE CHILDREN AND ME THAT THEN THEIR STEP DAD HAD ALSO BEEN PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO ME. I questionted them AGAIN about WHEN AND WHERE HE WAS ABUSIVE TO THEM , NOTING AGAIN THAT ABUSE OF CHILDREN Often will occur when no other adult is around to stop it! I was prepared to hear if there WAS MORE to the stories that what they had previously told me. I TOLD THEM THAT BEFORE I WOULD EVEN CONSIDER THEM SPENDING TIME WITH WESTELY AGAIN I NEED TO BE AWARE OF ANY TIMES HE HAS EVER BEEN ABUSIVE. I TOLD THEM THAT I NEED TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WASN'T RIGHT THERE. I was glad that they recounted the same details as they did previously and that Katerina in particular seemed more comfortable in talking about this with me. She seemed less AFRAID of hurting my feelings. I reiterated "YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE TO MARRY WESTLEY, I DID. It would be nice if you all have nice relationships with each other-- BUT I DON'T EXPECT IT and if YOU WANT TO NURTURE THAT and HE DOES GREAT-- BUt that despite that I DO THINK IT IMPORTANT THAT AT SOME POINT THEY SPEND TIME WITH ME IN MY HOME ALONG WITH MY HUSBAND AS LONG AS HE IS NOT TREATING THEM POORLY WITH DISRESPECT OR ABUSE! I said however I am COMFORTABLE waiting until BOTH THEY AND THEIR FATHER are comfortable with that and that I think with a bit more time their DAD will become comfortable but that FOR NOW I don't feel the need to PUSH that issue as I AM HAPPY WITH THE REALATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH BOTH OF THEM. I Also reminded them that they could call THE LAW GUARDIAN AT ANY TIME if THEY WANT TO CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT OUR VISTATION OR WHERE THEY LIVE, but that I don't really think that necessary and I would prefer that WE ADULTS ACT LIKE ADULTS AND DON'T ARGUE OR PICK FIGHTS ABOUT THIS AND PULL THEM IN THE MIDDLE AS I THINK THAT TOTALLY UNFAIR TO THEM. I told them to just not worry about it and that I DON'T INTEND TO EVEN FIGHT WITH THEIR DAD and MIGHT NOT EVEN BOTHER SHOWING UP AT COURT- NOT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM MORE, BUT BECASUE I DON'T THINK IT HEALTHY FOR ANYONE FOR US TO BATTLE IN COURT OVER THEM SO I MIGHT JUST NOT SHOW UP AND LET THE COURT DECIDE IF I ERRED AND IF I DESERVE SOME PUNISHEMENT OR NOT, AN FOCUS MY TIME, ENERGY AND MONEY ON EFFORTS TO SEE THEM RATHER THAN ABSORB IT ALL IN COURT BATTLES. I DIDn't even ask, nor will ask if they know anything about the child support action. That in fact is SOMETHING I DON'T EVER INTEND TO DISCUSS WITH THEM. I am actually HAPPY to GO TO COURT for that issue and would be RELIEVED TO HAVE CLARIFICATION OF THE ISSUE OF WHAT AND WHEN I SHOULD SEND CHILD SUPPORT FOR THEM! I IN FACT AM SO PLEASED TO HAVE MY ATTNY BILL ALMOST DONE AND CAN'T WAIT TO OFFER MORE FINANCIAL SUPPORT OF THEM! IF AN ORDER DOESN"T COME THROUGH I AM EXCITED TO BE ABLE TO SEND CHECKS TO MY BRO as TRUSTEE FOR THEIR COLLEGE FUND AND WOULD ALSO SEND WHAT I CAN TO THEIR DAD AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER> HECK SHE DESERVES IT TO ASSIST WItH THEIR EXPENSES! AND DESPITE HER PSYCOtIC TENDENCY TO THINK THE WORST which I AM SURE is due to some history of ABUSE in HER LIFE, I AM GRATEFUL TO HER FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT WHICH SHE DOES GIVE TO THEM, ALBEIT IMPERFECT! TO THIS DAY I KNOW I OWE HER GRATITUDE FOR HER WATCHING KIDS ENABLEING ME TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL AND WORK! WHEN I PASS THE BAR EXAM AND FINALLY GET LISCENSED SHE INDEED IS One OF THE FIRST PEOPle I SHOULD SHARE THAT WItH AND THANK FOR HER SUPPORT IN ME- DESPITE IT ALL EVEN DESPITE HER LACK OF TRUST AND SUPPORT OF ME IN OTHER AREAS! NOw that was a LONG Aside, back to the car story I wrote EARLIER: An off duty officer who thankfully didn't see my FOLLY but was pulling in for a cup of coffee BEFORE WORK and then noted me TRYING TO JACK UP MY CAR kindly assisted me. He said they are not allowed to do so WHEN ON DUTY. He was so kind and helpful and said if his wife and kids were in such a predicament he hoped someone would help. I was grateful for his help as I had noted the rather shady also kind truck driver who noted me who ALSO stopped and the office made me feel a bit MORE COMFORTABLE. He ignored my request for his card so I can't send him a THANK YOU Note as I hoped to do. When getting home I then was looking up BJS to see if their TIRE CENTER was still open and inadvertedly LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE HOUSE So the girls played in the rain in the back yard while we awaited WESTLEY's return home from work. RAther than any show of EMPATHY all he could do was self absorbdly complain that a. I was in his parking spot and b. dinner was not served. Thankfully I HAD spent the morn making a marvelous turkey soup that brewed all day. So the girls were fed and in bed by 8:45 at which time I ignored Westely's attempt to order me to NOT DRIVE ON THE DONUT TEMPORARY TIRE and I headed right to the pharmacy to get my filled prescription as it was SO CLEAR TO ME that since on that ADHD medicine my stupid driving impulsive moments are non-existant (except when missing it!) So as hard as that is to accept AT TIMES I realize I am MUCH BETTER OFF JUST TAKING THESE MEDS AND ACCEPTING IT AS ONE DOES WEARING GLASSES. They make my JUDGEMENT so much CLEARER. Last Weekend was a wonderful one! My parents visited from Thu to Sun after church. I enjoyed a quick shopping spree on Sun afternoon with Katerina and all her very patient siblings! Since she grew so much this past year she really needed a whole new wardrobe- but even more than that she needed some assistance in learning how to dress to accentuate and not be embarassed by her wonderful assests, and to learn how to minimize those less wonderful by choosing the right colors and fabrics and styles! I gave her one rule to live by which I think she agrees with: NO MORE SOLID T SHIRTS They are just not flattering with those stupid low rise style pants, shorts and skirts which are ALL ONE CAN FIND at stores these days without going on a lengthy Quest and spending ample time on that mission! I am sure that if I had time I could scope out thrift stores to find the older and FLATTERING style of jeans for her- but I haven't time just now! So instead I was THRILLED that when we went to Target in Buffalo that she tried on some of the very items I bought and am saving for FAll and THEY FIT, and we were able to find lovely items for NOW ! She was thrilled by a pale pink skirt which was our splurge item and then I scanned the room quickly and told her my # 1 shopping rule which is IGNORE DEPARTMENTS AND MARKETING OF ITEMS and try things on in the right style and color and fabrics you want FROM WHEREVER THEY ARE FOUND. I told her that if that means Girls, Juniors, Misses, Womens, Maternity, BIG WOMENS it is really just ALL IRRELEVANT as everything is CUT DIFFERENT and MARKETED DIFFERENT anyway so the important thing is to find WHAT SHE LOOKS AND FEELS BEAUTIFUL IN.

So she had this skirt and LOVED it. It of course was LOW RISE like them all and the only problem is it ACCENTUATED her one body issue which is carrying her weight in the middle. So I told her she should try to wear patterns rather than solid tops and to wear things that draw the eyes up to her very lovely bosem and neckline. I told her that to ACCENTUATE these was VERY ATTRACTIVE and makes her look beautiful! So then I scanned the room and my eye captured a blouse in the PERFECT fabric- a verticl stripe with the same color as the skirt in it. I grabbed it and myself was horrified it said MATERNITY. But it was SUCH A WONDERFUL FABRIC MATCH I quickly handed it to her and ignore the label as its irrelevant but the FABRIC IS SO LOVELY! She was OK with that and I said I would go see if I could find something similar in Women's medium (which is her size.) Well she tried it on and it was just a stunning outfit on her! She was BEAMING! I found a very similar blouse in women's medium and it pulled at the buttons over her belly (like all the clothes she has been wearing) and looked just horrible! We both had to take a deep breath and I said REALIZE that NO WOMAN IS BUILD THE SAME! I told her that the IMPORTANT thing is that she wear clothes that fit her and that she LOOKS AND FEELS BEAUTIFUL IN! I asked her if she remembered my old good friend Kelly JO-- she really didn't, but I then told her a story of an experience I had with Kelly JO. I always just was struck by how STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL Kelly Jo was! SHe is one of those vivacious energetic engaging people that anyone who meets her can't help finding this ATTRACTION to-- attracted to her amazing personality as well as her red headed beauty! I told her that one day I went Clothes shopping with Kelly Jo, and UNTIL THAT DAY it had NEVER OCCURRED to me that Kelly Jo actually was overweight and struggled with that. It was a simple fact that she didn't call attention to, and she dressed so flattering for her figure that I NEVER EVEN NOTICED THIS ABOUT HER. I COULDN'T TELL! Kelly Jo also was a manager of a dress shop so had learned alot about how clothes could be carefully chosen TO MAKE ANY WOMAN'S BEAUTY SHINE, REGARDLESS OF EACH UNIQUE FIGURE. I shared with Katerina that it was the tips of picking clothing for a larger frame that Kelly Jo told me when SHE was shopping for herself that I was passing on. And I told Katerina that SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL and that all she needs is to wear the right clothes to KNOW THAT AND FEEL BEAUTIFUL and then her confidence will make her all that more attractive!

KAterina was really beaming as she picked out things she felt wonderful in.

I also told her she can REMOVE the labels and I can SEW FOR HER to have some blouses that fit her well. So I think she got over the label of MATERNITY and I said "YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT! " and advised to remove that labels before wearing the blouse to school on a gym day so no one else sees it AND NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW that was MARKETED as such. I really emphasised that MARKETING IS JUST MARKETING and told her that My law school friend who was heavy had worn maternity clothes FOR YEARS as they happened to fit her best and were most flattering. I said the small maternity if for people like me who are UNHEALTHILY THIN which IS JUST NOT NORMAL and I happen to struggle with that from the medication side effect! So she felt better about that!

I also encouraged her to find some means of exercise so that she is as healthy as she can be, as she will naturally adjust to her growth spurt and level out as she continues to grow. I assured her that it is NORMAL with the onset of puberty and hormones etc to undergo dramatic body changes and growth spurts for many young women at her age. I also reminded her she went from a very active RURAL lifestyle where she was literally doing farm work, and walking ALOT each day and doing more physical chores to the very different lifestyle of a city and that her body would indeed adjust but that she went from LOTS of exercise to not much so if she finds some way to introduce it that would be good as diabetes does run in her family so she want to not ignore the risk of being overweight.

Katerina IS interested in a few things which would be fun for her and also healthy, such as a paper route, so I am encouraging her to keep on the adults to facilitate that happening. She needs working papers and her DAD took her one day but the office was closed! (HEY I just realized that before going to VA this summer I should plan a trip to take her to get those! SHE has an opportunity as one of her older neighbor girl friends is ready to give her route up and more into more lucrative employment!)

I LOVED my paperroute when I was tweleve! It was such a sense of freedom to ride my bike all around town and take in the beauty of the sunrise every morning! On Fridays I would collect money and reserve only $1.00 for the marvelous hot fresh SALT bagel from the LI JEWISH BAGEL STORE which makes them like no other place in the world! I always had that 2 inch thick slab of cream cheese on my hot bagel! I laugh when I think now about how that is enough cream cheese for all four girls at lunch! But boy was that the best! All the rest of my money went into my college fund, and occassional clothes shopping for those first items I proudly bought myself!

KAterina would likely enjoy such financial independence and like me be so excited with the saving of money for college which was the REAL freedom-- Freedom to know I could choose a college based on where I WANTED to go and not any financial limitation or worry. SHe is SO MUCH SMARTER Than me and likely will have scholarships as a result of her hard hard work so it will be nice to see her save all that money and maybe someday be able to actually make it a HORSE FUND instead! That is HER DREAM!

OH- and on the shopping for Katerina topic I found the most amazing WESTERN RIDING BOOTS on CLEARANCE one night for $6.50 which I bought and am saving for a gift of riding at some undetermined time in the future! A birthday or another occassion- or simply when I can afford it. I AM MOST THRILLED to have discovered that one of my favorite professors has started a EUQESTRAIAN TEAM at my college! I JUST CAN'T WAIT to take the kids to their events next year! This prof met my parents at my graduation and they totally hit it off. My parents were staying at the RED ROOF IN in LANCASTER (which is about 25 minutes from Buffalo but boasted the cheapest rate for a decent motel!) IT turned out that my Prof and his family lived about two blocks down the road from there! HE invited my parents to visit with his family! I also was great friends with his wonderful son who was a few years behind me (and freaked out the prof when he learned of his son being an incredible dance partner! THe Dad was just adjusting to his son being part of that college world of his! IT was funny!)

IT will be so much fun to be able to take Katerina to see horse riding and I think that my Prof might have some insight in where and how she can become involved with horses again! I HOPE!

He was so thrilled when I e-mailed him about our VA horse farm years ago when the tenants were running it as such. I had told him to come visit with his family any time and they'd love to ride Loudoun county. Our neighbors there would have been gracious hosts as well to anyone who wanted to visit and take in the horsey world (as Bettina calls it!)

On my conscience is that I have not yet PAID for the use of this site. It is on my goals of financial things to do. But so far when I have the few extra bucks VIVE and HABITAT FOR HUMANITY and my local parish have come first. I also have been gradually been paying off the wonderful marriage counselor that I think hit the HEART Of the MATTER when Westely walked out- but fortunatley opened up and continued discussion at home! HE hit a sore spot - a deep wound and Westely never paid that bill, so that is priority for me (AS BEFORE WE WENT I AGREED I WOULD PAY FOR COUNSELING AS I WANTED IT! WESTLEY THEN PAID FOR MOST OF IT UNTIL THAT MOMENT!)
I could have claimed it with Insurance, but did respect Westely's desire NOT TO USE insurance for anything regarding mental health AND HIM!

So since this was in fact a PSYCOTHERAPIST that did MARRIAGE THERAPY I agreed to take that on finanically.

ANyway point being that I set up ANOTHER FREE BLOG for the purpose of it being
(as opposed to this truly exposing of self and venting of any nerosis that is my REAL STREAM OF CONSIOUSNESS JOURNAL! meaning the details of my health , or lack there of at times... and airing of all dirty laundry!)


I will EVENTUALLY stop being a leech off the good will of those who PAY to maintain this site! But until then here is the new site which I feel is somewhat RISKY to post here-- but I also figure the only way ANYONE WOULD CARE ENOUGH to read about the innane details of my life THUS FAR is that they know and love me! I am linking only one way in the hope that those I share the OTHER site don't come across this one! I am also not even making up FAKE names for the other site which I hope doesn't make it too confusing- but I think important when it comes to posting children's pics!

I am excited to mail that off to many more family and friends than the few I have literally bared my soul to here!
Comment to add for this site only- CAN YOU GUESS I SKIPPED MY MEDICINE FOR A FEW DAYS?
I ran out on Thu and Westely was asked to pick it up. HE "FORGOT" on the two occassions since then when he was at the store it is at. YEAH RIGHT.
I am SURE that my impulsive trip to Tarrytown, and the fact that YESTERDAY I Made an impulsive driving move and hit my tire on a curb and blew it out just might have something to do with the lack of medication which clearly helps me. Westely and I BOTH ARE AWARE WE WERE REALLY playing an unspoken game, as we both hoped THE OTHER would break down and fork out the $20 co-pay. He won as I can't take myself OFF MEDICATION apparently as long as he can tolerate that state! Part of me WANTED to just have that freedom to not really care and take off to see my brother which I know I wouldn't have been so FREE SPIRITED TO DO in a way! I would have WORRIED about the lack of responsibility in deciding to do that at 1 AM etc.. and I KNOW I WOULD HAVE WORRIED about an ABILITY to do that drive. But when NOT MEDICATED I really do have this limitless energy lately which freaks out my parents and my DAD gave me that talk not only IN SUPPORT OF TREATMENT AND CONTINUING MEDICATION which WAS SO WONDERFUL TO HEAR but also with alarm that "The problem is when not consistently taking it. That's the problem with your brother"

I WAS SO HAPPY to HEAR MY DAD'D HEATHY EMBRACING OF CARE OF MENTAL ILLENESS with FULL ACCEPTANCE OF IT . We had a GREAT conversation about it all and I also assured him that in my case I wasn't likely to have some emotional instability from being a bit-- WELL ADHD to the hilt for a few days!

I told him the stimulant medication is different from MOST MEDs for mental health in that for someone with true ADHD it is helpful when taken (MOST CLEARLY !) but as long as they have no signs of DEPENDENCY they won't even have withdrawal or adverse effects when not taking it other than reverting to their natural impulsive and disorganized state which in my case fortunately doesn't typically mean taking impromptu trips 250 miles away! I also said WESTELY IS NOT COMFORTABLE Taking such a long trip so it would NEVER HAPPEN with him, and had I consulted with him first IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN As to induce THAT WORRY WOULD BE FAR WORSE AND MEAN TO HIM SHOULD I GO AND TELL HIM THAN THE TEMPORARY ANGER THAT HE DIDN"T KNOW AFTER THE FACT, or the pressure he would give me would encouarge me NOT TO GO, or I WOULD GO AND WE BOTH WOULD BE WORRIED and that it was WELL WORTH IT FOR ME TO SEE MY BRO WHO I NEVER SEE and that it made sense to go THEN when my parents were ALSO THERE to assist with accompanying kids!

All in all I think I successfully convinced my family that while impulsive my trip was not crazy but seizing an opportunity I wouldn't have otherwise had! (I had the travel money thanks to a gift from folks FOR ME!)

Other news: Reading what I am surprised is a MOST AMAZING BOOK:

The Wizard of OZ and Other Narcissists

I just can't believe how HELPFUL this book is to me! It is also very validating as I have learned to do many of the things recommended in order to remain fulfilled and happy and retain one's sense of SELF when in relationship with a Narcissist.

And the best news of all is that I think I am almost REALLY FINALLY DONE with reading about such issues! I think I really am ready to just focus on ME for a change!

This weekend I am so looking forward to meeting my college roommate tonight to go to our reunion!

Westley of course did cop out. He also is attempting the BAN on taking HIS CHILDREN to BUFFALO where he claims he doesn't trust the water etc... whatever.
I agreed that he can stay home with them all and he agreed to be home by 4:30 pm. I also told him I HAVE A SITTER and that if he is not home I AM LEAVING ANYWAY.

HE is attempting to set a restriction that I be back by noon. I will honor that if I can't find a sitter- however if I can find a sitter to be HERE at noon to assist with child care responsibilities (provided I have left children here!) then I will not come back by noon! I told him that and he said "YOu have to be back by dinner" and I said "No- if I have a sitter that is here she can capably handle making a simple supper. Mac and Cheese and frozen veggies can be handled by anyone"

I agree that HE DOES have a right to be able to claim SOME time for HIS AGENDA over the weekend. BUT I AM NOT WILLING TO GIVE UP MY TIME IN ORDER TO ONLY MEET HIS NEEDS. I told him as much, that WE BOTH have to compromise, therefore I will be back by noon so he can have time, however if I find a sitter to take over my child care responsibilities he can just deal!

HE said to be sure to pay here so he isn't expected to! (Which I totally agree with!)

So off to find the number of the wonderful older woman who did babsit when I had the Interview which by the way was at the US DEPT of Justive Northern District of NY for a job as a LEGAL ASSISTANT to the ATTORNEYS , one of the one's of which HANDLES ALL THE IMMIGRATION CASES. (That would be the one literally bouncing out of his seat who so clearly wanted to hire me! It was the OTHER one who got squirmish at my honest answer of "WHY DO YOU WANT THIS PARTICULAR JOB" when I acknowledged I WANTED to work ONLY PART TIME to be home the other three days as I had a young child. I also then acknowledged when asked about if I sat for the BAR "YES- in fact a few times which is why this job is ALSO perfect for me !"

SUCH BLATANT Honesty is NOT ALWAYS the BEST POLICY in Job interviews. But then again, I think sometimes it is better to find the right job where you don't HAVE to censor the fact of being a mom! I think they were in fact hiring someone part time there to accomodate ANOTHER mom so were seeking someone WITHOUT those SAME potential needs/issues to have BACK UP SUPPORT for HER!

The sitter I found then WAS WONDERFUL! Unfortunately I CAN"T FIND HER # so have to go on my quest for it. I can also call the teenager who sat for us, although I think that will be more stress for Westely than help-- BUT If I am gone I am not really going to worry about that if she is the only one available!

He can deal with taking on some responsibility at home for me to have ME TIME for a change. No matter how he LIKES TO PRETEND he does this for me to work nights, that is really just a farce as I get home and everyone is either still asleep or fending for themselves WHILE HE IS SLEEPING and then I HELP THEM UNTIL HE IS UP. THen he really doesn't ALLOW me to have rest anyway, since I am in his mind an extension of himself and therefore he feels it appropriate to CONSULT WITH ME CONSTANTLY and try to INVOLVE ME disregarding my attempts to sleep!

HE can just deal as I enjoy my reunion! And as I told him weeks ago, I am going either with or without him and regardless of whether he supports me going or not.

IT is SO NICE to have my own income! AND SO ESSENTIAL!!

Oh- and the latest is that OF COURSE he is looking for a new job. He can't risk being anywhere TOO LONG, lest someone REALLY grows to understand him! No he is of course afraid then that he won't REALLY MEASURE UP although that is NEVER SPOKEN or really identified and instead all the flaws of the work place and its people are expressed as causing HIM discontent. While he has a GREAT JOB he will NEVER REALLY BE HAPPY ANYWHERE and hasn't yet figured out that is an INTERNAL FEELING HE CARRIES WITHIN HIMSELF (although I have told him many times I believe this to be the case!)

He also at times DOES acknowledge this, and doesn't get upset when I point it out! I even tell him he is the ultimate narcissist and to be honest am REALLY PLEASED with his SELF AWARENESS which is truly difficult for such people! He really did tell ME OF seeing a biography of Howard Hughes and recognizing himself!

But the latest is talk of some job in ATLANTA I said "GREAT you's get a raise and more prestige and be able to get all the THINGS you want! But is that really going to make you HAPPY? I hightly doubt it, and it would again whisk off your family and ensure the kids have no stability and no opportunity to develop REAL REALATIONSHIPS AND TIES TO A COMMUNITY AND SENSE OF SELF."

So I told him that I think it would indeed be selfish and totally disregard what is best for THE WHOLE FAMILY but that if indeed it were to REALLY MAKE HIM HAPPIER of course we would all head off to ATLANTA for however long that lasts... " HE said "YOu can all stay here until I sell this house"
Which I said Would likely be BETTER as we's have SOME SEMBLANCE of normalcy for a little longer.

PEOPLE THINK IT CRAZY TO MAINTAIN THE TWO HOUSES but I THINK IT ESSENTIAL as it enables him to do his job hopping and fleeing in search of happiness wherever-- to CA , NY, next maybe ATLANTA and we know we can always decide to NOT ACCOMPANY on this manic excersions in quest of the perfect job and perfect home and head back to The VA HOMESTEAD.
I think that offers SOME STABILITY to always have that as home base to go back to.
The girls are looking forward to heading there this summer. KAtie enjoyed her Aunt and cousin on her weekend visit. I will enjoy seeing my sister in laws and their families and connecting with friends. The girls will be happy to play with their friends there who are STABLE AND ALWAYS THERE! (THANKFULLY!) BUT ADVENTUROUS ENOUGH TO DRIVE TO OUR PLACE and VISE VERSA.

Thankfully we DO HAVE REAL FRIENDS who are our NEIGHBORS THERE and a REAL SENSE OF BELONGING TO A COMMUNITY. I will be seriously tempted to call the NY phase an "experiment" and enroll the kids in school there in the FALL. If Westely indeed takes another promotion and status boosting ego filling better job title that brings him to ATLANTA I most definately will do so!

A flight from Dulles and a rental car are about the same expense and allow me about the same amount of time with Katerina and Soren as I get here near Syracuse. And they are only a flight away to BRING TO OUR HOME to visit with the girls which I think could be acieved MORE EASILY in VA than here in NY ironically anyway! I am pretty sure the expense and time of driving back and forth to both pick them up and drop them off literally costs more in both money and QUALTIY TIME than an hour plane trip!

So we'll see how this latest venture turns out. But since he was literally SOLICITED for this job which I think is being created for him RATHER THAN THE PROSPECTIVE COMPANY HIRING TWO OTHER PEOPLE TO DO TWO JOBS I have a feeling that Atlanta HERE HE COMES... at least HE for now.
I think Westely ALSO REALIZES that at this point since none of the girls ARE INFANTS and ALL HAVE A WELL ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, that it isn't that big of a deal that we live in the same city during the week. I think he realizes that for him to come home EXCITED ON WEEKENDS To see us may indeed WORK BETTER FOR ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS than for his obsessive compulsive self to come home DAILY and GET UPSET AND CRITICAL ABOUT EVERY LITTLE IMPERFECTION.

I can handle making a house perfect once a week, but neither COULD nor make myself CRAZY trying to meet that unrealistic standard of PERFECTION ON A DAILY BASIS!

NOw to go supervise all the bathing girls and move along the wash that has paint covered clothes and give the table a cleaning again while inspecting for any remaining paint remnants. I already got the wall, railing, and throw rug cleaned.

The girls creations this morn are just lovely! Full of swirls of BLACK paint which overtook the other colors as I let them experiment without help and the real key to kids art is to know WHEN TO TAKE THE MATERIALS AWAY and encourage them to be done. Today was more of a self exploratory fun morn than product focused!

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