2006-06-09 - 9:14 a.m.

Last weekend it was just SO WONDERFUL seeing so many old college friends.

Although I love to write about my personal intimate life I have a HARDER time writing about those friends who are not in my INTIMATE CIRCLE as I think it would be one thing for someone to discover this site someday who is in my CLOSEST FAMILY and always envision that we could all get over it.... ESPECIALLY SINCE PSUDONAMES ARE USED and this is not a widely circulated site

And it seems Fine to link to anyone who is ALREADY OUT THERE on the web in some way, as the posting is of course with knowledge of sharing-

But I have a hard time writing about those who are NOT FAMILY and who I AM STILL IN TOUCH WITH but do not use the internet much or have any web presence as it seems like to do so in some way would be MORE of a violation of privacy if they were ever identifiable by things such as AGE, College ATTENDED, place working etc....

So when it comes to the writing I WOULD SO LOVE TO DO ABOUT MY COLLEGE FRIENDS it is ironic that it is actually HARDER to do that than it is to write about issues of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN MY OWN FAMILY and to write in a forum that could possibly be discovered ABOUT MY OWN HUSBAND.

That in a way seems ironic. But in another way it is because when one has violated personal bountaries, respect and liberty and the very SAFETY OF OTHERS I really feel like the person in a sense has GIVEN UP CERTAIN RIGHTS as a result of that willfull violations of others.

Perhaps it wasn't a consious choice. But I feel like once someone VIOLATES safety and sanctity of others and threatens their very liberty
THAT IN ORDER TO ENSURE THAT SAFETY AND SECURITY AND HEALTH OF NOT ONLY THOSE WHO WERE VICTIMIZED, BUT THE PERSON WHO STRUGGLES WITH SUCH DIFFICULTY OF BEING AN ABUSER THEMSELF, There MUST be COMPLETE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND CONSTANT COMMUNICATION REGARDING THE ABUSE AND THE POTENTIAL FOR ABUSE THAT CAN NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. AND THE BEST WAY TO ENSURE THAT THE MOST CONDUCIVE CONDITIONS IN WHICH ABUSE OCCURS CAN BE AVOIDED IS THROUGH THE MAINTENANCE OF COMMUNICATION AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT OTHERS ARE CONNECTED TO YOUR LIFE!

(OOPS that all caps again! Really though, even though I forgot to shut it off THAT WARRENTS SHOUTING OUT TO THE WORLD!)

The regular communication and friends and family being involved is most essential as it not only helps EVERYONE in having balance in their life- But it also allows a person who grew up in a dysfunctional envioronment to be exposed to other examples. Of course that requires associating with people who themselves are decent role models!

I didn't intend on writing about this AT ALL this morn, but that is usually the way it is with me. I sit down to write ONE thing and then go off on another tangent.
I'll tell you though that this morn when I woke up in that first hour I flitted from one thing to the next. I tried to make pancakes and it was taking me SO LONG to do and it seemed FOGGY and COMPLICATED and CONFUSING TO ME (and I do that task REGULARLY ). I was facilitating it as the girls were the primary cooks... and then it dawned on me I hadn't taken my medicine yet.

It is just SO STARTLING to me the VAST difference in those moments my medication is not in my system.

So I took it, and as I served pancakes, then jumped up to take photos, then put on the computer to post photos, but then ran off to do something else I thought of.... I finally sat down to eat with the girls EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT AT ALL HUNGRY and it was almost HARD to eat all those pancakes which seemed so heavy.... BUt I gulped the REALLY GOOD coffee Westley had made and looked at the clock and tried to relax thinking ..."Only 15 more minutes and it should kick in"

WHEW.... its finally back in my system!

I NOW understand the comment that was once made "It's almost scary how much energy you have." as when I HAVEN'T the medicine I just jump from one thing to another and am in constant motion in a whirl of activity. I also then do a half dozen things at once, or go from one thing to the next without finishing anything and get caught up and lose track of time, with hyperfocus and have real trouble prioritizing.

I write of this as my best law school friend told me they think she is BI POLAR. And it kind of freaked me in a way as my EX is, and my beloved WESTELY I SWEAR ACTS MANIC at times, (Actually OFTEN) but the difference is that he never has the grandiose ideas that are unrealistic and unachievable as he SOMEHOW manages to accompish such crazy things... even if it takes a while

Although the Italianite ruins in our back yard in VA may be evidence otherwise.

I of course ENCOURAGED him in that big crazy dream, being ever supportive and an equally high risk personality.

Westley's LATEST thing though is applying for yet another job! This time in ATLANTA. I in fact responded by telling him he is the most narcissic and self aborbed person in the world. I then said something like "Great- Go seek the next big job title and salary increase in an effort to feel good. It won't work, as you are NEVER REALLY HAPPY OR SATISFIED and the source of your discontent is INTERNAL and you will carry that wherever and whatever you are doing. You are always on this big quest for the better job for VALIDATION and you are NEVER HAPPY with what you have! ITs not in the best interest of the kids to have them move around so they can never develop relationships and commections and a sense of SECURITY which are the things THAT DO PROVIDE HAPPINESS AND REAL COMFORT AND SELF ESTEEM that is not dependent on ACHIEVABLE GOALS BEING MET but on an inner sense of self worth."

Now amazingly this was not even an argument, but a DISAGREEMENT and more COMMENTS made. I don't know if he didn't really HEAR ME or not... but I CONSTANTLY say what I think and Westley listens and then occassionally tells me "LEAVE ME ALONE"

He's truly learned so many skills but I am afraid TUNING ME OUT is also one of the coping mechanisms! But at least he doesn't respond in anger.

He had a Dr. Appt for a sinus infection and when I called to make the appt (at his request) I TOLD the receptionist THAT HE IS A WORKAHOLIC WHO NEVER GOES TO THE DR. So she laughed and I told her I apologized for asking for an appt SOON when he isn't even an established patient, but of course he had to wait until he had BLOOD coming out when he was sick until he considered professional medical help. She totally laughed and she got him in.
He came back and said "The Dr. INSISTED that he give me a full physical and he even did a CAT SCAN. He was REALLY good and hard core and gave me a lecture about my weight and diet."

I am SO pleased that Westely not only found a good Dr. but actually went BACK to the follow up appt to check his blood pressure (which was borderline high the first time but fine)

When he went back I said "Why don't you ask him for some Adderall while you are at it."
HE is AS BAD AS ME with ADHD symptoms and relies on his three cups of coffee each morn! (ANd in fact when he did have his violent moments IT WAS WHEN HE WAS OUT OF COFFEE and I SWEAR THAT IS NO COINCIDENCE!) He was of course a bit defensive, but he listened. I told him that his obsessiveness is ALSO not normal and that most people don't get so angry and upset at little things and that he really may want to consider talking to a Dr. about these things as it could MAKE HIM HAPPIER and HEALTHIER.

Now the funny thing about WESTELY is that he often will ARGUE TO THE HILT WITH ME and then actually undergo a BEHAVIOUR CHANGE! He is also SO VERY SMART that I can't believe he hasn't done SOME READING in response to my comments. I also leave things around ALL THE TIME.
Like the book NEW PERSPECTIVES ON NARCISSISM (although that would be the HARDEST thing of all for a Narcissist to identify!) that was in the family room all weekend when he babysat and I was out of town.

I had read this AMAZING piece on the utlity of learning DETATCHMENT in relation to living with an ALCOHOLIC written by a woman who married an alcoholic who after YEARS AND YEARS FINALLY WENT INTO REHAB AND RECOVERY.

She indicated that at some point she just started living her life and inviting her alcholic husband to join her. He most often WOULDN'T but she decided that she had put HER DREAMS on the back burner TOO LONG.

She said that she also just left literature around REGULARLY and STOPPED HER NAGGING OF HIM, and STOPPED HER CO-DEPENDENT BEHAVIORS. She no longer would be an accomplice in his avoiding responsibility and if he failed to show up or do something he was suppossed to do and anyone asked her about his she learned to say "Ask him."

She said that she felt alive for the first time in years and he went through recovery and then they restored their relationship and enjoyed TWENTY FIVE MORE YEARS OF A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE!

So I was inspired by that, and I am so happy to report THAT IT REALLY WORKS!

ONCE a person in a relationship with another who has addiction problems, or control issues, or I guess WHATEVER problems... Starts to FOCUS ON YOURSELF and NOT BE THERE AS ONLY THE EXTENSION OF THE OTHER SELF ABSORBED WOUNDED PERSON WHO IS INSECURE it is just so amazing how that helps not only individually but in the relationship as well! Its so counter-intuitive-- BUT ONCE YOU CAN NOT REALLY CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON'S NEEDS (When it has been a co-dependent situation) AND PUT YOUR OWN NEEDS FIRST IT RESTORES HEALTH FOR AT LEAST YOURSELF AND OFTEN FOR ALL IN THE SITUATION AS WELL!

After this weekend WEstely commented "IT was really good for you to get away. I don't mind watching the kids for you to go away as when you come back you are nicer to me! Its good to see you happy. This is the happiest I have seen you in years!"

I was surprised by that comment from him! To me that seemed to not be accurate... but he said
"You are smiling alot and its been so long since I've seen you smile."

I WAS VERY HAPPY! I Reconnected with a lot of wonderful people and it really doesn't matter if I keep in touch with them. It was STILL WONDERFUL TO SEE THEM ALL!
Additionally an acquaintence from college happens to LIVE ON OUR SAME STREET here in NY! She is a college teacher now and single and would love to meet the girls and visit with us ! She happens to go to our church but goes to the early mass while we go to the later so we never ran into each other.

My law school friend has a job interview in the area and might come to stay overnight before the interview MON. I am so excited to see her and her daughter! They will likely come by (at least on MON) even if she doesn' get here Sun afternoon. She is thrilled to have the interview at the DAs office but nervous that as out of work a while she has let her appearance slip. I told her I am good with scizzors and hair (I am thanks to my 4 bros who preferred my cuts to DAD's crew cuts!) So if she comes on Sunday afternoon it will be a day to pamper HER and that will be so much fun!
I told her I can cut and color her hair and we can look through my vast basement collection of hand me downs and perhaps find some accessorys, or shoes (She is the same size as my sister in law whose shoe addiction can now be a help to someone as Katerina outgrew them!)

The girls will love playing with her daughter. I also told her I'd be glad to swing by when in Buffalo if she wants to help her clean up (as it is SO HARD for her to throw stuff out!) She said "REALLY?"
She is happy I can do that- just go in and encourage her to toss all that clutter ! Since BOTH her parents died it is SO HARD for her to get rid of ANYTHING they ever touched, and that habit of saving everything is also ingrained as she grew up very poor so its a hard thing to let go of anything. I hauled two car loads to the brim to Salvation Army a few years ago and will gladly do that again for her.

I have to head out to the store now to return a few items that won't fit Katerina! I bought FALL clothes and then when we went shopping recently I discovered what will fit and what won't. I knew I was cutting finances close for the custody battle appearance after my weekend away- but I also knew that I can return some stuff and be OK! IT was STILL WORTH not discussing that appearance with Westley as had I SUCCEEDED in resolving the issue in that one day it would have been best to not even have to discuss it or expend energy while home worrying about it!

However since it will CONTINUE, I told Westly of having upcoming court dates both for child support and the allegation of the violation of visitation.

HE had the same advice as my initial thought, "You should just not bother showing up so it can be off the docket ASAP"
as all it does is waste my time and money and WE BOTH KNOW that the REAL INTENT is to have this matter tied up in the NY COURT which then precludes the possibility of me bringing an action in VA.
Westley of course thinks that is EXACTLY WHAT I SHOULD DO. HE in fact has said from the get go that he will be supportive of a CASE IN VA where they can REALLY do their REAL investigation and ACTUALLY LOOK AT school and medical records and the police report there and know EXACTLY what happened. I KNOW that is what my EX is really afraid of.
AS WESTELY SAID, "WHAT CAN THEY POSSIBLY TAKE AWAY? You have to fight with the schools and they still don't send anything."

I said "Yes- but as far as Katerina's sucess in life, its for the things like the Gifted Math Program, and other possible opportunities for her and SOREN that I KNOW JUST WON"T HAPPEN if I am not there advocating !"

And for THAT REASON I HAVE TO RESPOND as NY COULD INDEED TAKE AWAY JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY if I don't show up.

So off to return the stuff I can to avoid any INSUFFICIENT FUND charges!
I am a little disappointed as the one skirt I am returning WOULD fit KAterina, but the matching blouse is too small and I was STILL going to give it to her to wear over a white T shirt like a jacket. She wouldn't be able to button it though and gas money was more of a priority !(Especially since we just did all that other shopping for her!) Soren however still needs clothes desperately so I REALLY AM ANNOYED that the $100 in expenses from travel for a court case would have otherwise been used for him! I saw shorts his size at 75& off but didn't have the $3.00 to pick them up the other day! OH well....

The next paycheck covers THE LAST of my attorney's bill! YAH! So then I can start to pay child support when that order comes through (which it will soon enough, That court date is June 12), as well as start to pay back the remaining $3500. borrowed from my family.

I will go into the court with all the ledgars of the $6500 in legal debt which is why I HAVE been working these crazy night hours. But regardless I STILL AM HAPPY TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT as I think no matter what my EX did or didn't do, that it doesn't have ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY OBLIGATIONS TO MY CHILDREN.

Westely said "Why continue to work?"
and I said "BECAUSE I WANT TO SUPPORT ALL OF MY CHILDREN! But I especially WANT TO WORK to be able to give what I can to my children who are not living with me! Heck buying clothes is the one thing I CAN do for them! I can't imagine NOT WANTING that privalege!"

To me, right now buying clothing for my oldest kids is perhaps the thing that I do that does make me most joyful! I would be TREMENDOUSLY SAD if I didn't work to have the income to do that! I hope to get out of debt and then continue to work and put money in their TRUST for future, as well as get a violin teacher for Katerina and support whatever Soren is interested in.

Financial freedom to do those things for my kids is very important to me- ESPECIALLY IN REGARD TO THE LITTE ONE HERE WHO LOVES TO DANCE when I know that WESTELY will not pay for that! IN Relation to ALL of my children I think it SO IMPORTANT that I work to have means to assist them in actualizing their dreams as I see the other adults in their lives will only support the goals of kids that are aligned WITH THEIR ADULT DREAMS. That dysfunction and in fact in both families PATHOLOGY as I think in both families it is really a sickness... MUST be mitigated by me being a consistent UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING PARENT WHO ACCEPTS AND SUPPORTS ALL THE CHILDREN IN WHO THEY ARE, and not for who we want them to be.

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