2006-06-26 - 7:18 p.m.
Now perhaps I am just cheap, and perhaps this SHOULDN'T bother me- but-
What annoys me is that I thought of this and came on line to accomplish it and wasted time when had their site clearly said there was a fee EARLIER I would have logged off and been reading bedtime stories now! OK- done with the additional wasted 5 min to vent!
One last vent though: Westley and little girls and I headed to VA yesterday. We intended on taking my Car but since my tire became flat AGAIN , we couldn't take it and it is sitting in NY. Westely also had to catch a flight today and called from the airport apologetic that as he parked he realized he didn't even think about taking the car seats out of his car to leave them in the family one here at the house! So we are basically stuck home until he returns Thursday.
I am pretty sure the Goodyear car sales dude was remiss in helping me repair my flat tire last week.He would be the same one who had responded when I was inquiring which tire would be the best TO BUY to be compatible with what I have on the car that responded "With the All Wheel Drive Volvo you have to replace ALL FOUR TIRES AT THE SAME TIME. I can't sell you one tire, but have to sell you a set."
He really did look stunned as I walked away from the counter and waited in the waiting area. The guy there who was within ear shot of the conversation laughed and shook his head as I commented, "Did you hear that? He thought I was going to be dumb enough to buy four new tires because I got a flat!"
I had been feeling rather shrewd at the time, happy to not have been HAD-- THAT IS UNTIL Friday when the air had seeped out of my tire AGAIN, and Westley asked "Did you WATCH him find and fix the leak?
And I replied "No"
Thank goodness for AMEX which has a wonderful consumer protection policy for just such an occassion. They will indeed have no problem refunding the $29.
Now what I am MOST ANNOYED about is that Westely acted like it was SO IMPORTANT that I come here to do the planting and keep our farm in farm use. He indicated it was worth ALOT in the tax write off and I gladly came to do that. But then as we are driving and the girls start talking about planting EXCITEDLY he said something like he hasn't TIME TO DO THIS until next weekend , IF AT ALL.
I WAS SO ANGRY. I said "WHAT???? WHAT AM I DOING RUSHING DOWN NOW WHEN I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED TO WAIT UNTIL MY CAR IS FIXED IF NOT TO PLANT??"
He acted like it was so important and then acted surprised I AGREED to come, and now acts like planting is not really that important.
I was so angry and asked him what he pressured me to come for then.
I would have actually PREFERRED to have worked a bit more, planned a visit with the two older kids AT OUR NY HOUSE when Westely was traveling, and enjoyed some more time with them. I would have enjoyed a few more paychecks for perhaps other things (like summer preschool programs for girls, or violin lessons, or a few dance classes for me at the studio THERE right down the road-- all of which are attainable NOW THAT THE LAST PAYMENT TO MY ATTNY is to be sent!)
So I felt angered feeling I had been MANIPULATED.
Westely said "YOU can plant if you want, but I haven't the time to plow and get the soil ready. Maybe next weekend"
He knew he was busted in his inconsistency so when driving copped out with "I don't want to talk about this now" routine.
YEAH of course not. Nor will he EVER really want to talk about being manipulative and LYING to me because of some OTHER agenda of his which is really not all that clear.
It just makes NO SENSE.
I was SO TEMPTED to drive myself here on THU in my car and FOUGHT THE URGE to do so as then I thought I would instead BE MATURE and try to talk to him about MY FEARS. I was then thinking he was acting VERY STRANGE and got the sense that he really DIDN"T WANT ME TO COME TO VA and I couldn't figure out what that was all about then. He basically had asked me , acted like it was SO IMPORTANT and then acted surprised when I agreed and took the leave from work. He said "Oh- your coming? I thought you were going to refuse."
I swear that was what he wanted!
But I DID LOOK FORWARD TO PLANTING! I also figure I could easily pick up a part time job HERE IN VA just like in NY to work when he is in town.
AND I WAS EXCITED TO COME TO VA AND CONNECT WITH FRIENDS HERE!
On Wed night though Westley started acting very weird. I forget what precipitated it- but it hardley matters as whatever the little issue was it was merely an excuse for him to start acting like a controlling jerk in what I believe REALLY WAS an attempt to sabatoge our plans to go to VA together. On Wed for some reason he started some argument about finances and decided " I am no longer paying for the maintenace of your car. You want it, you maintain it."
So he announced on WED, and then reiterated on THU morn that he was going to stop paying for insurance on my car. HE said "As of midnight tonight it will not be insured."
NOW I THOUGHT ABOUT heading to VA on THU and honoring my agreement to TELL HIM WHENEVER TRAVELING WITH KIDS by calling to leave a message that we left and would meet him there when he comes on Sat. I however RESISTED the urge and instead tried to MATURELY AND DIRECTLY ADDRESS THE ISSUES
I ASKED " Do you want me to come or not? I feel like you are trying to sabatoge our plans."
I said "NO - you need to talk about this NOW as if you DO WANT ME TO COME then I NEED TO GO TODAY while the car is still insured. UNLESS you want to KEEP IT INSURED"
And I repeated the question of whether he really wanted me to come to VA or not.
I decided NOT TO TAKE OFF THEN although I had the real urge to so that I would be here WITH MY CAR.
I still have my last paycheck that is intended for my attny but I could use for car insurance if needed.
So the fact of the flat tire did make me ask "YOU Didn't puncture my tire did you?"
I said " Unlikely, but I had thought of it as possible."
The last time we were all suppossed to come to VA Westley did indeed sabatoge the plan. When we got here he also made a point of saying he doesn't want me to use the PO BOX.
I asked "WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF? WHAT IS THIS SELF PROTECTIONIST BEHAVIOR ABOUT?"
I know that the truthful answer is that he doesn't LEGALLY want me to actually LIVE HERE WITH HIM.
But of course Westely could NEVER tell me all that AS HE NEVER SHARED ALL THOSE FACTS With me and I found them out despite his lack of being forthright (a benefit of my former lack of boundaries-- aka SNOOPING which I think in only RARE circumstances is actually JUSTIFIABLE- as in when your rights and liberty and boundaries are so violated by domestic violence.)
I said today "If you don't want to be married or act married, why don't you just get a divorce because you refuse to share ANY OF THE OBLIGATIONS OF MARRIAGE"
He actually softened and said he WOULD let me use the PO BOX, but only for "personal use" and said "That's not it. Just undersand that I have to pick up all your junk mail and then take it with me on airplanes when traveling for work and I am just sick of lugging junk mail around! Its heavy and a pain!"
I had long ago suggested he just pile it up HERE and let me get it when I come. I could have thought of a forwarding order as well a year ago.
So he did honestly answer with the truth he is comfortable telling. And I felt a BIT BETTER as he said "I'll find your PO BOX key when I get back"
HE saw I was so hurt at his distrust not only of ME but that I was sad at his lack of trust IN HIMSELF and his ability to manage his anger.
I ACTUALLY FEEL HE HAS ENOUGH SKILLS TO MANAGE HIS ANGER IF HE WANTS TO.
I THINK IT THE COP OUT TO TRY TO PROTECT HIMSELF BY ACTING LIKE NOT MARRIED while getting the benefit of child care from me without any obligations TO ME in return out of his great fear of abandonment!
But at the same time I really see that these ARE HIS ISSUES and when I DIRECTLY confront his fears by asking about them specifically then he does open up to a degree and connect with me.
I figure give it a bit more time. Perhaps things will heal for both of us as more time goes on. Perhaps not.
But in the meantime I am trying to enjoy my children and trying to not be absorbed by other people's issues and fears and anger and bitterness and lack of forgiveness.
Both my EX and Westley really do have serious abandonment issues related to THEIR PARENTS and this problem of NOT FORGIVING OR TRUSTING OTHERS.
One is absorbed by a hatred and fear of himself and an inability to really forgive himself.
THe other is absorbed by a vindictive quest to punish the other- ironically through the only means possible which is to pull me into litigation.
but also act like they are happy being where they are- so that's fine. They seem satisfied to talk to me on the phone and/or get letters every other day.
And regarding the litigation I AM VERY PROUD that I kicked butt in filing a motion for summary judgement! WHOO HOOO
I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF That I got it in on time and suceeded in serving process on both my Ex and the newly appointed law guardian of the "Notice of requested Oral Argument for Motion for Summary Judgement."
That was REALLY a WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY FOR ME! I learned more civil procedure by doing that one thing than I actually did when studying! The particulars... the nitty gritty dumb details like how process service works which is why they have PROCESS SERVERS who do that for a living. An outgrowth of the legal "profession" as it's really kind of stupid old fashioned checks and balance that I think were REALLY intended to make the actual function of practicing law DIFFICULT which keeps lawyers EMPLOYED by creating confusing hoops to jump through. I am convinced that is the real mark of a "PROFESSION"- enough stupid hoops that REALLY serve no function except to keep the professions a unique JOB that other's can't easily do so the "professional" gets paid well!
Anyway- I am proud to have manuevered that successfully along with a request for a TELE APPEARANCE.
Not granted but rather remanded-- OH WELL
I think it unlikely I will pay to travel but I have time to decide. Considering
So if I pick up a job between now and then (which I might as my neighbor never did get naturalized and asked about that years ago!)
If not I can likely appeal since I INFORMED THE COURT that I can't travel and they STILL didn't grant the tele appearance as "That court room is not set up for it"
Heck this could be a great opportunity!
REALLY , the writing and filing of the motion was MANAGABLE! I AM THRILLED as I KNOW in the past IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN!
So despite Westely and I having issues, INDIVIDUALLY I AM FEELING VERY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW!