2006-10-23 - 12:43 p.m.

Another reason I SWEAR that WESTELY is still LISTENING TO MY EVERY CALL and somehow obsessing about my every move is that he asked to change the weekend he could visit with the girls. HE requested that he see them the weekend before or after the 15th. IT was asked of me via a postcard he left with my parents (The weekend of SEpt 30th when my dad dropped the kids off at 6pm to him, and then on SUNDAY when my dad went to pick up the kids WESTELY REFUSED to let my DAD get them!)

I thought at the time that he HOPED I would say yes and agree to let him get them the weekend of the 21rst. I thought HE MUST KNOW I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING TO GO TO MY FRIEND M's wedding! I thought HE WANTS ME TO SAY YES and then ASSUME he has the girls so I don't need childcare to attend the wedding, and then at the last moment something will come up and I will not have arrangements to go to the wedding!

I HATE even thinking like this, and never did so in the past in relation to ANYONE OTHER THAN HIM. BUT I HAVE LEARNED THAT WHENEVER DEPENDENT ON HIM HE DOESN'T COME THROUGH FOR ANYTHING THAT WOULD MEET MY NEEDS. I HAVE learned that he in fact GOES OUT OF THE WAY TO THWART ME MEETING MY NEEDS.

SO I said "No" as I ALSO thought he might me making a case of ME NOT HONORING THE PPO and then argue I am not really in NEED OF IT if I don't honor it.

I HAD Allowed him to meet the girls at church a few SUNDAYS that WERE NOT HIS WEEKEND of visitation, thinking that having him involved with them in a PUBLIC location was actually the next best thing to supervised visitation which I had asked for and didn't get.

LIKEWISE, when he SHOWED UP at the girls SCHOOL and sat with them at lunch and volunteered in the class I thought "GREAT! WHAT BETTER PLACE FOR HIM TO INTERACT WITH THEM!"

EVEN THOUGH A PART OF ME FELT THAT FEAR AND WAS FREAKED WORRIED HE MIGHT TAKE OFF WITH ONE OF THEM

HE had threated to do so in the past if I ever were to try to limit his interaction with them.

That's what kills me about this, he frames it as ME INTERFERING WITH HIS PARENTING RIGHTS. HE takes no accountability that it WAS HIS ACTIONS THAT RESULTED in a COURT ORDER!!!

KAtie one day said to me "Daddy asked me if I want to live here with him and you would live somewhere else."

NICE!

So I am STILL very skeptical that he even REALLY IS Attending that compassion power workshop.

ITs a hard thing to do: To know what is to be trusted. I DO LOVE him and WANT TO BELIEVE that he could change I WANT TO BELIEVE that HE REALLY is attending this workshop. I WANT TO BELIEVE when he tells me it has a 91% of success AFTER FIVE YEARS

But I know he said that in my response to his plea to me to get rid of the protective order that " all the studies done as to this programs effectiveness ARE AT THE ONE YEAR MARK! You had a FOUR YEAR CYCLE before you HIT ME AGAIN! So that doesn't impress me."

And it is not just the PHYSICAL abuse, as that is only what can be SEEN by others. The psycological was in fact WORSE for me and the girls.

I watch Sadie as she is hypersensitive to criticism. I watch as she is now BOSSY with her sisters and watch as she is a PERFECTIONIST and I watch as she is SELF CRITICAL and I think that ALTHOUGH it is OBVIOUS with Katie and Raitlin who are aggressive with their siblings and have boundry issues that they have been harmed, that SADIE is the one MOST HARMED. SADIE is the one who used to quietly HIDE IN THE CLOSET when he was upset and screaming. SADIE IS THE ONE WHO HAS THE BEST BEHAVIOR SO DIDN'T GET THAT EXTRA ATTENTION OF THE MISBEHAVIOR.

SADIES' the one who I think is emotionally the MOST FRAGILE.

I WORRY ABOUT ALL OF THEM.

Westley asked me if I would consider him taking RAITLIN to a two week intensive counseling experience with him in Colorodo for kids with attachment disorder. HE tells me that he has been diagnosed with attachment disorder and that he is worried about Raitlin as she is the one he spanked most. She is the one he feels he harmed the most. He said the program he found recommends the child attend with the parent who inflicted the injury emotionally.

I said I would consider it. I think it worth thinking about A FEW YEARS FROM NOW perhaps. He then of course pushes about how it is said IT HAS TO BE TREATED BEFORE AGE SIX and pressures to let me allow him to take her to it BEFORE THEN.

I KNOW it is likely a mistake that I at times am very open to talking to him when he gets me on the phone. He CALLS frequently STILL.

Its so crazy as when used to the OCD like obsession of getting his calls TWENTY TIMES in a few hours the fact he calls only a few times a week doesn't seem like a threat to me BUT HE STILL Has a day each week where he calls MULTIPLE TIMES OVER AND OVER at the exact time when I tell him I can't talk as I have to help the girls. That is SO AGGREVATING and then I realize I have fallen into his manipulation to even trust and talk to him AT ALL!

I also think it interesting that he asked SADIE about where she went WED and that she indicated it was a "play group" yet he said to me "You could have told me you are putting the girls in day care. "

NOONE EVER TOLD HIM THE GIRLS WERE IN DAYCARE I HAD NO TIME TO EVEN DO SO HAD I WANTED TO.
SO HOW DID HE KNOW?

Seems clear to me that THE ONLY WAY HE COULD HAVE KNOWN was through some sort of stalking like monitoring!

The girls hadn't told him that clearly. Either that or he did the old trick of PRETENDING KNOWLEDGE in an attempt to CONFIRM IT.

On FRIDAY my sitter told me he called and offered to PAY for the children's preschool program. YEt of course he won't follow up!

Just an example of him PRETENDING to want to do something that I KNOW he won't follow through with. I WOULD LOVE for him to do so... but I know to RELY on that would be to set myself up for disappointment (the same way I did when I RELIED on him to watch kids so I could FINALLY go see a Dr. for my ADD for the first time!! The same way I was disappointed when I TRIED to do things with the WHOLE FAMILY and EVER INCLUDED HIM. HE ALWAYS SABATOGED MY EFFORTS! EVEN AFTER I WAS WORKING AT TARGET AND IT WOULDN't HAVE COST HIM A DIME!! Like the THREE LITTLE PIGS preformance I BOUGHT TICKETS FOR WHEN ON MY LIMITED TARGET INCOME!)

I also find it interesting that it was a Sun night when he REFUSED to have the kids picked up by my DAD. I SWEAR he was attempting to have them late to school that MON MORN!

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