2006-12-31 - 3:25 a.m.

My brother called me concerned that he read that I am not going to write here anymore. To clarify, I determined I am going to LOCK this site such that what I write can not be used to hurt Westely.

My brother was worried that I may have thought that somehow I did something wrong through my posting.

I told him that while I didn't think I did anything WRONG, I do think that it not NECESSARY for me to rub salt in Westley's wounds now that it is so clear that Westley is reading this site in an unhealthy obsessive manner.

So I will write- but keep it locked.

When I was the manager of the group home I always told my employees that REGARDLESS of the actual truth, they should pay attention to WHAT OTHERS THINK they have said and done. Reality is not what matters anymore, abut only the PERCEPTIONS others are left with. Therefore, even if they don't think their actions were wrong in any way, if they somehow HURT another through their actions- it often best to do something different in the future.

So I needn't continue to allow this to be assessible. Despite what Westely has done, I needn't hurt him. Regardless of whether he DESERVES forgiveness, it is also an act of HONORING MYSELF to not have my writing informed by the knowledge he is reading it! Whether I wanted to or not, I think my writing WAS informed by him telling me he read it. My reaction has initially been to put my own name on my work- so as to assert that I wouldn't allow him to intimidate me from expressing myself.

But the more I thought about it, I wondered if I could have subcounsiously used this forum as a weapon of words. I wondered if I wrote of meeting the dancer BECAUSE I KNEW WESTLEY WAS READING

Similarly I wondered if I CALLED the Dancer as I SUSPECTED WESTELY OF LISTENING TO MY CALLS.

After a few phone conversations with that gentleman, the incessant, obsessive stalking calls of Westley ceased (at least for a while!) That gave me the greatest PEACE at home that I have had in months!

I worried that I may have subconsiously used the guy to achieve a break from Westely. I didn't want to have some "Transition" relationship, and am not ready to even think about anyone other than getting myself together-- but it WAS a good healthy sign I think to have felt attraction to someone other than Westley.

However to have written about it is something I wonder about... Did I write it FOR WESTELY TO SEE? To help me achieve that peace?

And if so, that means that I haven't really been freed of the hold and control of Westley at all!

Such is the tremendous power of an abuser.

The exchanges with the kids have been so horrible lately. Westely had been trying to talk to me and obstructing my ability to drive my car. He literally stood blocking my car door from being shut. ONe time I was lucky I had backed into a parking spot so I could drive forward with the door open and leave him standing there. I was able to get away once I figured that out. The next time however I did not have forsight to back into the parking spot intentionally, and the car was facing the other way. Westley had first backed away when I told him "You's better move, I am shutting the door and leaving", but then as my door swund he stuck his left arm in its path as he walked literally into it- then backed away again. I left so upset and visited the police station to tell tham what had happened and ask them about having what they call a "Keep the Peace" observation.

I was relieved to have three officers present at the last exchange of kids. It was the first time the exchange was peaceful rather than contentious with him

I just wrote a LONG entry and was bummed it disappeared when I tried to save it. So this is my re-write which likely will benefit from editing!

I wondered when I wrote about the attraction to the dancer if it wasn't done to really send a message to Westley. And I wondered if I didn't at some level want to hurt him.

That would not be a nice thing to have done- whether intentional or not ! (And if that was done in this case it was totally unintentional) I don't undervalue the power of the subconscious.

I think that by locking this site it in fact preserves my freedom of expression. It claims this space as mine alone, not subject to manipulation. I think that very important.

I'm tired now so I am not re-capturing all I wrote about this evening as I reflected on having met the dancer again. I keep wondering if there was attraction there because he said I shouldn't get involved with him... and BECAUSE there were a bunch of things he seemed to know about me that I didn't volunteer so that made me suspicious that he was a hired gun as Westely has no grounds for divorce and I thought he might want to be first to file.

The guy could have just been intuitive... but then again.. maybe not. So the question I have for myself is , If that were a possibility, Why would I have then engaged in a conversation with the guy?

Why then did I see it as some competition? I thought of the adage "Attack an honorable man and he will continue to stand in honor" (Althoguh I have no idea of the exact quote or author) I felt that even if he were a "plant" that I could have FUN with him and use the situation TO MY ADVANTAGE. I made sure I set the paraneters of what kind of relationship I wanted.

However there were some funny things that happened that I don't understand.

I'm tired now and want to not lose all my writing so I breaking this into a few entrys

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