2007-01-18 - 1:26 p.m.

THe past week has actually been a wonderful one. I love being home with the girls.

Can't claim to have gotten much study done. (A little)

I did have a wonderful interview about an opportunity for community service last Thu morn (before the hearing later that day.) I got a call I was accepted to the program I interviewed for and am so excited about that. It starts in FEB for a few hours a week. It will be really good for me.
Since last Thursday I have enjoyed facilitating paper mache and painting projects, reading and helping with math more than I have had time for in the past few months. The girls and I met some nice neighbors they played with a bit. I ordered groceries from PEA POD and was able to use coupons I never have time to do when going to the store with little ones in tow! IT was WONDERFUL to have groceries delivered one evening after they were in bed !
I baked cookies and had wonderful chai tea. The girls have had THE BEST behavior and are so relaxed and happy to just be home! I have been so relaxed and happy to be home! It was a strange and wonderful blessing in a way that my fear of leaving here has forced me to SLOW DOWN and STAY HOME and really ENJOY TIME WITH THE GIRLS MORE in a way I haven't been able to with worrying about trying to get a job, and trying to study for the BAR EXAM. I just let go of all worries and have been very present in the moments with the girls.

I don't want to GO ANYWHERE until we have a hearing as I am very afraid if I do so even for an hour will result in Westely coming back here and mw then coming in to his greeting of "Hi honey I'm home!"

So my attrny FINALLY filed my petition for Divorce this week.

And I was relaxed...

UNTIL TODAY But to that in a few moments...

Other good news is that I had a Dr appt here last Wed. I couldn't fill mrescription afterwards as I had to get to the day care center before closing time, and by then the girls were tired and needed to get home to dinner and bed. So I dropped off the prescription for Adderall in the AM and picked it up AFTER the surreal PPO appeal hearing.

At least I feel back on track now. My house is cleaner than its been in a while. We spent the weekend organizing all the toys so the girls can find everything. I also weeded out some that they don't prefer as they now have accumulated too many.

SO I was feeling fine,

Then the phone rang and it was Westely.

Just talking to him makes me anxious and totally drains me of energy. I was AMAZED AT HOW OVERWEALMED AND CONFUSED AND EXHAUSTED I WAS AFTER EVEN A FEW MOMENT ON THE PHONE WITH HIM.

He of course WANTS to get me to say certain specific things to be able to use them to his advantage. I then likely say just what he was baiting me to say as I really just want to get off the phone with him and try my hardest to be concilatory, short and sweet and to pass it on to the girls.

What aggrevates me most is that he said "I don't want to talk now as I have an appointment" when I say "Talk to the girls" and hand it off... I handed the phone around anyway as I know he want to claim that I also have not allowed phone contact with them. He is doing everything in his power to play it as if I have been maligning his relationship with them and as if I have been discouraging them from being involved with him. Even so far as accusing me of having kept the girls out of school IN THE PAST when he was to visit BECAUSE he was to visit! That it bull shit as I LIKE the fact that school visits are essentially "supervised" ones! But that accusation came through when Katie's principal told me she has a ridiculous # of unexcused absences! I told him that is not accurate as she was called in for conjunctivitis , and throwing up on a few occassions when ill.

Until this week I have not kept the girls from school because he would be there. THIS WEEK I INDEED DID KEEP THEM FROM SCHOOL, not because he would be there to visit, but because with the PPO not being maintained, and the petition for it thrown out, I didn't think the schools can NOT RELEASE the kids to Westely should he want to pick them up. And if he shows up and they call me and then I AFFIRMATIVELY say NO THEN I WILL HAVE AFFIRMATIVELY DENIED HIM ACCESS TO THEM.

I have said this over and over. I am not going to deny his access to his children. The day care center denied his access based on THEIR JUDGEMENT of HIS BEHAVIOR when he CALLED THEM YELLING.

I don't think it is my place to do so.

I think it more appropriate for a court to decide what they think is safe.

The NY courts deemed him to be an unsafe person and would not allow Katerina and Soren in his presence. I think my judgement HAS BEEN CLOUDED in the sense that in the past I BELIEVED in the power of redemptive change. I BELIEVED that marriage counseling could change him.

It hadn't
I have heard of these changes over and over, and then saw the real change, but then saw the reversion back to not only abusive behavior but MORE ABUSIVE AND MORE DANGEROUS BEHAVIOR with each relapse.

I have had hands on my throat with the threat "I should kill you!" in front of all four little girls.

That is never going to happen again.

So this week I DID KEEP The girls out of school. NOt because I am trying to block his access in that wonderful supervised community setting, but because I AM AFRAID OF WESTLY AND I AM AFRAID FOR THE GIRLS AS TO WHEN HE WILL REGRESS BACK AGAIN TO BEGIN TO ABUSE THEM AGAIN.

Sadly the judge said he thought there wasn't any real threat since I was OK with weekend visitation. I think he misses the part about these being Westely's kids too. EVEN THOUGHT there is a threat I think the thing to do is to MINIMIZE it and ENSURE SAFETY as the girls relationship with their father is important to them. So therefore I think it appropriate he be as involved in their school as he wants, even if that is a sacrifice I have to make to be LESS involved at school activities than I would like. I think it appropriate that the girls see their DAD regularly in healthy settings, like on weekends WHEN SURROUNDED BY OTHERS. They go to his sisters at this point. And even if that were to change he has the support of his siblings who do live in the area.

The potential for abuse is indeed minimized when it is a weekend visit as opposed to shared custody which is what he would like (if not full custody which is what he will fight for whether or not that is what he really wants)

What most concerned me was that the principal of Katie's school called me acting harsh about me keeping them home for a few days.

Its because Westely has called the school every day to check up on whether the girls are in or not. HIm calling every day makes me very nervous about sending them in. That seems very threatening.

I called the girls school to tell them they would be out on Thu. I told them due to "car trouble" as I did have them ready to go and was going to drive them if advisable- but then the DENALI was repossessed.

I just know that after every weekend visit with Westley the girls come home and tell me how he has told them that he is going to live here with them and I am going to have to find a new place to leave.

I am afraid that unless I get in court soon he can literlly just come home, or he can kick me out now that I did file the divorce action. I swear I think I did exactly what he really wanted me to do. He got the PPO overturned and I now filed the action (Which I had asked my attorney to file MONTHS AGO. At least it was done. )
So I am hoping a judge will grant an Emergency hearing for support and review of the custody matter in the next few days. If not I have to wait until the end of this month which is when the child support case was already on the docket for. The bill of complaint for divorce was requested to be added to that date's hearing.
The property settlement hearing that was set up persuant to his filing of the nuptial was scheduled for July, but I think my attorney is trying to get that thrown out for improper filing and then get the property issue also looked at in a few weeks.

What the big dilemma for me is that when Westley asked "Can I see the girls this weekend", I think I said " I don't really object, but I want to wait for a hearing so that can be worked out."
I want to leave it to the court to decide.
So if I allow him to see them because I feel like it WRONG for me not to, since he has seen them every other weekend and they will want to and expect it-- the judge can say "There really can't be any issue"
but if I DON'T LET them go-- because of the REAL FEAR that he will not release them and will claim it in his rights and then take them until the hearing, he'll have them brainwashed as he does every two weekends over the visit when they come back and are angry and volitile and aggressive with me and tell me what a bad thing I have done to him and how he is so good to them now. They come back from every visit yelling at me that " YOU took Daddy'd house. He says he is going to live here with us."

So because of that brainwashing and what I see as abusive maligning of ME that he consistently does, I DO THINK it justified that I don't allow them to see him until a hearing.

I however feel really BADLY about that.
Which is the beauty of a PPO
The abuser can't keep calling and make THE VICTIM feel guilty and MANIPULATE as if their plight is THE VICTIM'S FAULT

I have to ignore the attack of me and keep thinking that if we don't get a hearing and he doesn't see them for a few weeks its because HE HAS A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE WITH THEM AND ME.

PHEW I feel a little better after writing.

I just also worry that by not allowing him to visit them he could effectively use that against me as a factor in considering custody is RIGHTFULLY which parent ENCOURAGES and ALLOWS the other most access.

He has been working this angle for a long time now crying the woe is me game and doing things like cutting off my long distance so he can whine how the girls never call him (Even though they can't as his # is obviously a VONAGE one or the equivalent and not a local one so can't be dialed!) He plays that game of calling and trying to talk to me and then not talk to the girls. Keeps talking until I get upset and hang up when he won't listen that I don't want to talk to him. Its the total game so he can pretend he called to talk to them and I didn't allow him to.

I feel a little better now after venting about this! Girls watching a movie and napping. Time to go get some things done for my attny that I haven't done yet.

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