2007-01-20 - 8:54 p.m.

I dropped the kids off with Westley this AM for the weekend.

HE had called me on Wed asking if he could see them this weekend and I said "I don't object, but would feel more comfortable once we have a hearing, as I am afraid you won't bring them back to me."

He then acted histrionic on the phone, emotional and upset and asking "Why won't you let me see the kids!" when that WAS NOT WHAT I HAD SAID

I had said I would be more comfortable bringing them to him with the assurance he will bring them back and clarity of a custody/visitation arrangement!

I of course at some point ALSO got upset. That's when I know he has met his goal as then I sound like the hysterical one. I felt BAITED yet again.

He then said something like "So you are not going to let me see them until the hearing at the end of the month!"

And I said "I didn't say that, I said I expect we will have a hearing in the next few days and the visitation matter will be clarified"

He then went on in the upset manner again and I said "So you want to talk to the kids" HE then said "No I have no time, I have a meeting"

which totally annous me as it is a game of his to call, act histrionic and then GET ME UPSET so I HANG UP ON HIM not wanting to play into the dramatics,
but this time I handed the phone to someone and said "Daddy is calling for you."

All the girls passed the phone around.

So Friday night when I went to drop them off at Starbucks as ususal HE WASN'T THERE

But I called and left a message. I didn't want to give him my cell # as I don't want to be harassed by him, however I finally caved and called him on it as we do have to be able to communicate. With him having cut off the long distance on the land line, and his #, although also carrying the same prefix, is NOT A LOCAL # as it is an assigned cell or voice over IP line and therefore "not in our service area" according to this local verizon #.

(Similar to how on the stand he CLAIMED there "HASN'T been a phone line there (at this house) for years. " SUCH BS as he indeed had the VOIP line here which WAS ON in JUNE O6, however it is TECHNICALLY TRUE there was not a TRADITIONAL PHONE LINE so he feels OK with his MISLEADING FABRICATION --- he who is so honest!
TO THE REST OF THE WORLD HIM SAYING THAT THERE WAS NO PHONE HERE IS A TOTAL LIE.

I still can't believe a judge believed his lies. HE totally acted like this was HIS INVESTMENT PROPERTY and not our home! HE pretended we had come here on the agreement of a two week vacation (not two months of farming the family farm at our domicile we intended to return to!)

Whatever.

Anyway, I did connect with Westely and we agreed to meet in Leesburg at Starbucks at 10am. I have a borrowed car as my VOLVO was in the shop to get an estimate on the rear window wiper that has been broken. When I had the DENALI fixed I just dropped off the VOLVO when that was ready. The awesome mechanic was going to let it sit there until the end of the month when I have the child support hearing and then I was going to decide what work I can AFFORD to have done. (minimum being NONE as it is mostly cosmetic, but the wiper is a nice feature that makes it SAFER in the rain!)

I NEED the 2nd car by the 2nd week of FEB for my nanny to then have use of. Until then though I thought I could get by with one car.

However last Thu, the morn after the PPO appeal, the Denali was REPOSSESSED as Westley had stopped payments on it in SEPTEMBER.

This FRIDAY when I went to the Dr with the girls they said the insurance company said the insurance is not active. So I figured he stopped paying that as well.

Westely brought this up today trying to convince me that the insurance IS STILL ACTIVE and telling me he checked by going to the web site. He told me to go to the site to see. I told him I had ALREADY CALLED the number on the card and THEY TOLD ME it was inactive.

I also have the ACCT # for the COBRA acct and can call to find out the payment history which I apparently need to do.

I just don't understand how a man who would drop the car insurance of the car I am driving the kids in, and drop the kids medical insurance, and have the family car then repossessed for non paymnent is REALLY demonstrating such great love and concern for his children.

I also don't undertand how it is that the court proceeding so far have NEVER allowed the evidence of the responding officers and the picture of the handprint on SADIE's belly in to date.

I don't understand why I had discussions with an attorney who ENCOURAGED me to keep the kids out of school, when that in fact makes me look like a paranoid irresponsible parent.
I don't understand why I had a discussion with an attorney who ENCOURAGED me to NOT ALLOW VISITATION on the weekend that falls in the rotation that the kids HAVE BEEN seeing their DAD during.

I don't get how that advice would be helpful.

Perhaps that is my problem. I don't follow LEGAL ADVICE.

I just DO WHAT I THINK IS THE RIGHT AND ETHICAL THING TO DO.

EVEN IF The judge of the PPO APPEAL is CORRECT, and EVEN IF THE ATTORNEY WHO asked "I thought you said you have plans this weekend?" when I indicated I got a call from Westely asking about this weekend visitation,

I still responded "No I didn't say that, and I don't and this weekend is one the kids EXPECT to see him"

I just couldn't ETHICALLY play any games.

If that makes SOME BELIEVE there is NOT CREDIBLE FEAR OF HARM
After the past history of ACTUAL HARM,

well then they just don't understand that sometimes EVEN WHEN YOU ARE AFRAID and EVEN WHEN THERE IS POTENTIAL FOR A PROBLEM if the conditions are correct, that ENCOURAGING CONTACT UNDER CONDITIOND WHICH ARE NOT THOSE IN WHICH ABUSE IS LIKELY IS OPTIMAL AND IN NO WAY SHOULD INDICATE THAT THERE IS NOT ANY REAL CONCERN SHOULD THERE NOT BE THOSE OPTIMAL CONDITIONS!

I think the BEST thing for the kids is indeed a HEALTHY relationship with BOTH PARENTS.

I BELIEVE that is indeed Possible and desirable, if and only if WESTELY has involvement with them in HEALTHY COMMUNITY SETTINGS!

What stinks is that BECAUSE OF THAT I have NOT BEEN INVOLVED IN THE SCHOOLS MUCH (DUE TO MY NOT WANTING TO BE AROUND HIM! THE FACT OF THE PPO WHICH I SO VERY APPRECHIATED BEING IN PLACE EVEN IF NOT PERFECTLY INSULATING ME FROM HIS HARASSING AND ABUSIVENESS AT KID EXCHANGES)

This has been a SACRIFICE on my part, but not a huge one as I DO HAVE HEALTHY interaction with the girls when we are home together!

Therefore I felt the past six months that to have both parents actively involved was MORE important than having me attend any one particular school function (As he unexpectedly showed up at some that I INTENDED on attending but had to leave when I saw him there!)

I WOULD RATHER HAVE THE PPO and HAVE TO SACRIFICE THOSE EVENTS and then MAKE MY OWN MEMORIES AND GIVE THE GIRLS SUPPORT DAILY IN OTHER WAYS LIKE READING AND HELPING THEM COOK AND BAKE than NOT HAVE THE PPO AND HAVE WESTLEY HARASS ME.

So perhaps I am dumb to ignore the legal advice. But I won't do anything that is disingenuous AT ALL. EVER.

I won't ever do anything that I am ashamed of. Which is why I try hard not to malign anyone, Westley included.

When I make a choice it is one I am always ready to be fully accountable for. I am rather decisive, but really do think through most of my actions typically.

* I might be impulsive on occassion, but not that often!

I really hate this whole model of a custody battle that sets up the question of who is the better parent.

I actually think that in the case of abuse having been present it really is a moot question. WHO CARES IF ONE PARENT IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER IN RELATION TO ALL OTHER THINGS.

IF THERE IS ABUSE, I THINK ALL OTHER DISCUSSIONS ARE THEN COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.

So I am SUPPOSSED to complete some quesions as to why I am the better parent.

The problem is that I don't even subscribe to that premise as it is set up. I don't think I should have to even COMPARE myself. I think rather the question I should be asking and preparing is :

HOW ARE YOU A GOOD PARENT?

I think if I re-frame it in my mind then I can move forward with this exercise I have been asked to do.

And frankly I don't need to spend time preparing written answers to any of those questions. I mean to do so seems just silly . ONe shouldn't have to PREPARE to discuss why they love their children and enrich their lives! I mean it is just so much a part of an active parents life that there isn't PREPARATION for such questions needed!

But like the BAR EXAM exercises I am learning that such practice is good, as if not done sometimes a person can MISS POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS.

I have to go to bed now. I should do that exercise... but will do so tommorrow. Sleep seems more important to me right now than anything else.

It was a busy day. I got home late after visiting a friend. I was stressed as when I did drop off the kids to Westley this morn I was LATE. I am currently driving a borrowed car from my awesome friend I affectionately call Pocohantas, thanks to her EX who being a decent guy is allowing her use of the family vehical he is maintaining EVEN THOUGH HE HAS NO LEGAL OBLIGATION TO DO SO. She had lost something important and needed to come by and look in her car in hopes it was there. (It wasn'T DARN!) I had to wait as that was really critical for her, and it is HER CAR I am borrowing.

So I was late and I know that I am often late. (I had one other day I ran a full hour late as well! I usually run 10 to 15 minutes late when not medicated!! Treating my ADHD make a SUBSTANTIAL DIFFERENCE in my responsibility in that area of my life!)

Then after being late I called Westely to tell him about the nebulizer need for the girls. His sister has one at home which I had borrowed in the past, and his mother uses one regularlly. I was trying to pass on the message the Dr. gave me about WHERE IN TOWN to rent one if he needed to do so for the girls for the weekend. It's $20 at Leesburg Pharmacy, and as I am borrowing one I wasn't comfortable with my liability for the few hundred dollar machine passing it on to him. (Especially after the car seat game in which I passed off car seats to never see them again! I just kept buying extras for $15 each for a few weeks rather than even engage in the intended crazy making behavior and didn't feed into it! )

But it would be ME taking on a financial burden if I passed a machine on to him and don't get it back.

He was so defensive and yelled at me "Don't tell me what pharmacy to go to!" and it was hard to get him to listen to the message I wanted to REPEAT from the Dr. as to the fact there is ONLY ONE PHARMACY in town that rents medical equiptment!

THe phone conversations always are like that with him. He gets defensive and starts to yell at me and then I get defensive and upset and I am sure raise my voice and yell back.

It's horrible!

HE then does annoying things like makes something so simple seem complicated. I KNOW this is to make me seem irresponsible. I mean this is a smart man who should get it when I say "The medicine they need IS PREMEASURED IN LITTLE PLASTIC CONTAINERS. NO MEASURING NEEDED EACH DOSE IS ALREADY IN WATER. JUST EMPTY ONE VIAL INTO THE PLASTIC CONTAINER AND TURN ON THE COMPRESSOR AND CONNECT THE MOUTHPIECE."

But he plays dumb and acts like it is so hard and unclear and I am SURE this is for his benefit so he can ACT LIKE I HAVE NOT PASSED ON CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS.

HE LOVES TO TRY TO MAKE THINGS MUDDLED TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. Then my communication with him DOES get muddled as I THEN DO GET UPSET WITH HIS GAMES and then I PANIC and then DON'T COMMUNICATE CLEARLY !

What is SO COMPLICATED ABOUT "They get the medicine three times a day"

Yet he wanted me to WRITE DOWN THE TIMES!

So I then tried to CALL his phone to leave a VERY DETAILED CLEAR MESSAGE AGAIN JUST TO COVER MYSELF as he is LOOKING FOR WAYS TO ATTACK!

(So he was critical I hadn't included the INSERT for the medication, even though I sent it IN ITS PACKAGING OF THE BOX which has information about the drug on it.)

I mean, really, does he HAVE TO READ the INSERT COVER TO COVER? If so he can find it on line at the pharmacutical company web site!

(What's funny is I LOOKED for that before sending it but had taken it out and couldn't find it. Now I see it right on my desk in plain view! Figures....! I was stressed and panicy about being late which makes me function EVEN WORSE!)

So when I called to CARIFY AND LEAVE THE TIMES TO GIVE THE MEDICINE, I PANICKED FEELING LIKE BEING ASKED FOR SUCH A SIMPLE THING WAS SETTING ME UP, AND THEN I WAS TOTALLY RAMBLING AND NOT CLEAR AT ALL! I Said something like "you can give it three times during the day, which the Dr. said, something like 8 am 3pm and then 8pm.... OH no that would be too close together for the later doses. If you are going to do it during the day the middle one really should be around 2pm... oh maybe three is OK.. So you can do it three times during waking hours, but I think its preferable to wake up in the middle of the night and give three times divided up over the 24 hrs. Last night I gave it at 1am..."

It was just ONE RAMBLING MESS which was the OPPOSITE of my INTENT KNOWING THAT THE REASON HE ASKED SUCH A DUMB QUESTION AS "CAN YOU WRITE THAT DOWN" when I said "give the nebulizer treatment three times a day"

WAS IN FACT TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I WAS UNCLEAR

"Three times a day" was MUCH CLEARER than my rambling exposition which I ended with "do whatever you want. YOur the parent in charge so use your own judgement if you want to give it to her or not."

Great... My attitude of ignoring Doctor's orders is also not one I should have expressed! But I AM Of the inkling that steroids really should be used on toddlers AS NECESSARY. YES ALBUTEROL is a wonderful thing when a child;''s oxygen is being compromised. HOwever when that test is good as the girls was I give the medicine but respect if he didn't want to....
OH WELL

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