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2007-01-30 - 6:31 p.m.

Thankfully the kids are really mellow right now.

I'm feeling sad and tired.

I'm sad because I did indeed meet a wonderful guy I would like to be able to be friends with, but I guess I finally get it that when there is a custody battle, and not much fodder on a person, then SEEKING anything to manipulate against them will be done.

I am also sad as I basically figured out that when I was approached in person by someone that it was a total set up. There was a hope that I would be needy and lonely enough to succumb to the charms of a man giving me attention. I basically figured that was very well designed so deceided to AVOID the potential for that to happen by taking control of meeting new people myself.

But I am not at a time in my life to really do that. I made this attempt to avoid being had so to speak.

Unfortunately this means I have to now not continue to even have any social network outside of the SAFE women friendships. Women do need their women companionship, but I think we also benefit immensely from healthy MALE friendships, and/or a romantic relationship (when the timing is right and a healthy one develops!).

Its just not my time for that later one. And it saddens me as I would like to continue a friendship with this lovely neighbor, but I just can't.

So I had to sadly wish him luck and hope he finds someone who can REALLY offer him what he is looking for in a relationship.

I know he can't have been seeking a woman with six children, twice divorced, who has an EX that has been able to instill fear into a whole GROUP of construction workers.

Yes they were afraid of him. I think are even too afraid to even be involved, although the contractor said he thought they would be lining up to testify on my behalf. I ran into one of the younger stone masons and passed a message on. Then I ran into one of the older ones, and he said no one wants to be the one to point a finger and NAME someone as evil,because it's not a Christian thing to do, but he'll pray for us.

I had given the contact info of some of the workers to my attorneys. They never did soupena them. I had thought that it was RELEVANT as evidence of reputation of being volitile and aggressive with EVERYONE.

The funny part of that conversation with the construction worker was that I ran into him while he was heading into the store next to the preschool the girls go, to, and just then my EX pulled up to visit the girls there. The guy said "UH OH.." and I said
"Hey now at least maybe he'll pay you off not to testify, not knowing you don't want to do so anyway."
The guy said "Hey if he tries to pay us off we'll take it and give it to you"

We were laughing at the thought of that and I said maybe I could at least write that into a good story someday.

But I had vowed to stop writing about this. Time to move forward in life.

I am just sad at the betrayal that today I discovered. I can't even write about that- but it turns out that someone who had been ostensibly helping me is clearly conspiring, and again my instincts have been dead on.

But I am just going to let it go. I just can't waste mental energy in being too upset about these attacks of my character. What I need to rather do is MAINTAIN my good character, avoid temptation and doing dumb things, and get myself focused on the girls, studying and being in charge of my case.

I do feel better about my legal case after talking to the paralegal today. The moving to circuit court is very typical. I believe my attorney will strongly argue on my behalf.

The PENDENTE LITE hearing was set for FEB 8

Its really not that far off.
It just FEELS like it since I borrowed five bucks from a TOTAL STRANGER at the gas station yesterday lest I run out of gas.
It just FEELS like it as the stock in our pantry is getting thin.

It just FEELS like it is a long time when I accepted any provisions offered from a neighbor after picking up one of the girls from playing there. It just FEELS like it when I filled out that FREE LUNCH form for the school system and checked off NONE for household income. (As I had only leftover baked potatoes as far as portable food to pack for lunch today and Sadie isn't thrilled with that. Getting the school lunches will be wise right now!)

I had to call my brother to fill our propane tank after running out of gas this past weekend. I'm REALLY tired after that night of having to feed the fire and not being able to go to sleep in order to keep at least the kitchen warm until we had our heat back on.

The girls are being so good playing BINGO. Time to get them ready for bed now though.

It's later than normal for starting this process, but I needed to write to relax and be present for them for story time without distraction. Then I need to go right to bed and get a good night of rest.

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