2007-02-13 - 4:36 a.m.

I am so thrilled to be a Trainee in this program!

http://www.loudouncountymastergardeners.org/index.htm

Class this AM so I awoke early to study.

In other good news our au pair arrives this week!

I also received a letter from Westley's attorney that said "NOTICE TO VACATE PREMISES" ordering me to leave on or before 5 days from now or he will file an UNLAWFUL DETAINER ACTION in LOUDOUN CIRCUIT COURT

EXCELLENT AT LEAST ANOTHER POINT ON THE BAR EXAM. I totally had forgotten about that language of UNLAWFUL DETATINER and that would be the type of issue I would have answered in an essay without using correct jargon. Although personally I WOULDN't RECOMMEND when answering a family law question of how to get your spouse out of the home titled in your name after you have been violent with her and had a protective order and criminal case that one would try to do something like that. It just might make a domestic court judge REALLY UPSET. I might recommend that the spouse go right back to the magistrate and consult as to whether that is HARASSMENT!

Hmmm... if the protective order is still in effect perhaps it could be seen as further emotional abuse. I am SURE that is the intent.

I personally suspected that NOTICE TO VACATE was drafted and planned on being sent about a month ago. I suspect the server had it in hand and that the NOTICE OF APPEAL that I sent to his attorney may or may not have been received by him yet-

But as I did file that NOTICE TO APPEAL the LOUDOUN CIRCUIT COURT DECISION OF JAN 10 to throw out the petition for protective order

I am confident that I STILL HAVE A PROTECTIVE ORDER AND HE CAN'T KICK ME OUT.

Furthermore, I think it just makes him look like a BIG JERK. Especially as now I get to add that NOTICE TO VACATE to my PLEADING which I am filing to the court in considering the Nuptial as the Judge so far RULED FROM THE BENCH ORALLY that I am to remain here with temporary physical custody of the kids and WEstely's visitation is to increase from FRI to SUN to THURSDAY TO MON MORN.

The judge also ordered CHILD SUPPORT including payment from the time of my filing. So I am sure this is just an upset last ditch strong arm tactic to see if I fall for it and willfully move out.

To where? I mean it ridiculous that one day he is professing his great love for me and how much he is changed and wants to reconcile, and sending messages from MY FRIENDS about how he'd like to go to a Marriage Enrichment Weekend, and then the next moment try to render me homeless and fight for full custody while representing me in the court as having a "history of mental illness"

YEAH.... My seeking the diagnosis of ADHD so that I can make it through the BAR EXAM is really NUTTY

I am sure my favorite Doctor who joked that his MCAT score reflected how long he could sit in the room would just crack up at that.

Anyone who characterizes ADHD as such a debilitating mental illness with such disdain is correct only insofar as it indeed is on that radar as it is NOT A PHYSICAL AILMENT BUT A MENTAL ONE and in that it CAN be a huge hindrance and limitation in life, however it is not the kind of illness that renders one INSANE or INCAPABLE or NOT FUNCTIONAL but merely a bit disorganized and distractable!

Those of us with ADHD get by, but we are those who are running in at the last possible moment filing MOTIONS in the final hour we can. We are those who handed in papers throughout school in the knick of time or late and took the grade dock.
But make no mistake about it, we are more often than not also those who start successfull businesses, are the movers and shakers in industry, are the ones with SUCH HYPERFOCUS that is also a hallmark trait that we are the OVERACHIEVERS at times when highly motivated and yes at other times UNDERACHIEVERS -- But heck, when we underachieve that most often means we then preform AT THE NORMAL AVERAGE for the rest of the world.
We are the CEOs and Doctors and Lawyers who HIRE SUPPORT STAFF TO ORGANIZE ALL THAT CRAP while we are the sharp visionarys who see the path to lead to.
And We Moms who are ADHD are the ones who creatively entertain and engage our children in ALL SORTS of intellectually stimulating activity. So what if we also lose the primer reader for the kindergartener and can't find it to send back to school, such that the highly structured teacher won't send another book until the last one is returned. It really isn't THAT Big of a deal, as the kindergartener is home reading one of the ten she picked out of the library that are at a first or second grade reading level. So what if we are not organized in our communication such that we never TELL teachers of all the cool things the kids do at school as we are the moms who write notes we forget to send, and it is a challenge to put the right planner in the correct backpack as they sometimes get misplaced. These tend to be WITHIN THE NORM of a busy household!

On to reading about soil.... So what if we ADHD people procrastinate for an hour and talk about what we plan to do for more time than it takes us to actually do a task. We do eventually then apply ourselves and get it done, even if at the last moment, still skimming material in class. We are STILL engaged and participate and contribute in a valuable manner in whatever we persue.

For those of us with ADHD, It might take us LONGER to get wherever we are going (both literally and figuratively) as we get lost along the way with diverstions and distractions... but we eventually will arrive successfully.

AS for me, this morning I am now sitting with a cup of coffee and doing my homework for an hour. I HOPE to not get kicked out of this program as ATTENDANCE IS VERY IMPORTANT
The last Class was last THU and I hoped to be able to go to the hearing from 9 to 10AM and then head over to my class. But as the hearing went on so long I just missed the WHOLE class that day . I have also been running late for these first few weeks in the program as the PRE K the little girls are in starts the same time as class and I can't leave there any earlier. I AM SO THRILLED to have the au pair coming as then I can acutally BE ON TIME from now on AS LONG AS I AM ORGANIZED.

I REALLY think that the letter is intended to be a SCARE TACTIC in the hope that I don't actually bring the au pair into my home. I think her arrival is the most threatening thing to Westley as he can't CLAIM that the girls are not well cared for her. I have my ASSISTANT coming to do all that organizing systemizing household stuff I need! See we ADHD parents that are wise know to OUTSOURCE those task oriented things so we can be all the more engaged with our children when spending time with them like we love to do!

This afternoon we should have a blast as we decorate for Valentine's Day and WELCOMING our new member of the family! INDEED an au pair really does become one of the family in a sense. ITs SO HEALTHY for kids to learn that they can trust and love others. ITs something I NEVER had a problem with in my life-- that is until NOW when under the stress of this litigation and KNOWING that WESTELY will do anything to kick me out of here and not support me. That is the worst thing going on in my life now, as for the first time EVER I have such TRUST ISSUES. I suppose that is normal for all abuse victims. Its just a challenge that I think will pass once I get through this phase of the ATTACK of me personally to avoid fiscal responsibility for me in maintaining my role. The easiest way to get out of that is to try to DISCREDIT my worth and value in the role of mother that I am in. I see that tactic and to me it is a sign of desparation and truly just sad. So I try to enjoy the new friendships I have found and know that this guarded trust issue I have will heal with time.

I just wish I never felt this as I never have before and it really is such a limitation to developing HEALTHY relationships with others.

But don't all of us who have been subject to abuse and this fallout from it feel this way?

Best news of all for me in getting an au pair is that I WILL HAVE TIME TO REALLY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! I look forward to getting a therapist so I stop making those stupid comments to friends like "Your not a Westley spy are you? "
"Did he try to pay you off yet?"

Its just so hard when one has been CONTROLLED by another for so long. When freed of it one is not TRULY FREED OF IT until the constant EXPECTATION and FEAR of what attack will come next subsides. I suppose that healing can't happen overnight so I have to be patient with myself. And in a sense I am still under the gun so to speak. So perhaps it is premature of me to even WISH I could shake that now.

Thankfully I am blessed with the friend who HAVE CHOSEN to befriend me and remain supportive even when I have those quirky weird moments of having trust issues.

I just CAN'T WAIT for the day when I come here to write about someting wonderful in my life, like this Master Gardeners program, and can do so WITHOUT the need to continue to discuss litigation and abuse issues!

I look forward to enjoying new friendships WITHOUT the emotional need to constantly talk about this other craziness.

PAtience.... Patience... is what I require of myself right now. In that ADHD fashion I want to just quickly get things done. I want to just quickly work through my risidual emotional issues and move on in life. But its not always that easy or even the healthiest thing to do. This writing is a wonderful means of addressing these things on a regular basis so I can have resolution of worries and then be present in the moment without remaining caught up in risidual fear and anxiety from the past.

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