2007-02-14 - 11:01 a.m.

Happy Valentines's Day!

I felt like a heel yesterday after I got a call from the UPS guy telling me he was at a nearby intersection and wondered if I could come meet him as he has a low lying truck and didn't want to get stuck.

I swear the conditioning of Westley at being the consumer of outstanding customer service to the point of acting like a jerk with great entitlement kicked in... and that is not ME typically, but I was harsh sounding and abrupt with the poor UPS guy

It didn't kick in at first. First I asked a bit of questions....
like "Oh, you have a package? Can it just be delivered tommorrow if you can't get through now?"

He said, "Um... well, it's perishable."

And my mind thinks ORANGES FROM FL! Thinking of Honeybells that are in season in FEB and thinking them from my wonderful parents.
I asked "OH- What is it?"
HE said "Flowers from a local florist"

ANd I think that was then when I got suspicious and nervous. You see My heart LEAPT and I WISHED THEY WOULD BE FROM MY COFFEE FRIEND who I have to logically convince myself I am not really interested in as the RATIONAL thing to do now.... KNOWING I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO HEAL

But my EMOTIONS tell me otherwise when I talk to him.

KNOWING ALSO THAT WHEN THE UPS GUY CALLS I ALSO THINK "How do I know he REALLY is the UPS GUY? " is not a sign of me being in a totally emotionally healthy state yet.

But then I think about how my gas ran out and I felt that was rather quickly from when I check it at 35 % full just three weeks prior, and how the gas company FOUND TWO SMALL LEAKS at the pipe joint coming to the house

and then the water wasn't working

And I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER if these were not just mere COINCIDENCE.

ANd considering the weird circumstances in JUNE when my car tires went flat three occassions in the few weeks prior to heading to VA I think there has been just a history of SO MANY COINCIDENCES

that with the other things that happened it makes me extra cautious.

Cautious enough that I decided to write here again! If these ARE NOT COINCIDENCE and there really IS A SAFETY CONCERN I NEED TO KNOW THERE IS DOCUMENTATION SOMEWHERE.

At some point in the past though I stopped calling the police when there were obvious signs of entry into the home. EVEN when Westely's desk was broken I let it go. I realized that to report ALL THESE THINGS just makes ME LOOK CRAZY to some people.

So when I had the thought that the UPS guy might not be a REAL UPS Guy I then also realized that I HAVE SO MUCH MORE HEALING TO DO!!

I am not through the fear of Westely yet.

I don't know how long it will take to not feel afraid of him.

IF EVER.

But it really isn't a sign of not being mentally well myself based on our history and the REAL THREATS he has posed.

But I don't like having that mistrust of others that LIKELY IS NOT FOUNDED.

IT MOST LIKELY WAS THE UPS GUY. Although if I never get another delivery I will then know it wasn't!

I had a feaer not only of harm, but also of the possibility that it wasn't the UPS guy at all and Westley will somehow be here kicking me out....

I have that fear still that SOMEHOW he could legally succeed at that effort.

The fact I KNOW THAT COUNSEL IS SUPPOSSED TO FILE A MOTION TO WITHDRAW OR A COURT WON"T LET A PERSON REPRESENT THEMSELF OSTENSIBLY FOR THE PUBLIC POLICY THAT IT IS TYPICALLY BETTER TO HAVE AN ATTORNEY, makes me REALLY WORRY about that possibilty.

I saw my attny yesterdy and ASKED her to draft a motion on a legal pad right then and there and I could then carry it over to opposing counsel and have him sign BEFORE I filed my pleading.

Which is NOT APPROPRIATELY FILED AS I TOTALLY FORGOT TO GET IT NOTORIZED!!

OK So the ADHD person DOES do stupid careless things they INTENDED ON DOING BUT FORGOT.

And yes I ran out of my medication as the ADHD person also is not the most organized UNTIL IN A ROUTINE at filling that on time. Since I had done without for so long and am not yet that organized I don't yet have a NORMAL ROUTINE. Having the finances to actually DESIGNATE a shopping day each week and sticking to a routine helps. I have had to rely on STOCKING UP AT TARGET when I had my still good employee discount and cash in hand so now I just shop for necessities and have relyed on that supply stock that was WAY CHEAPER than weekly local shopping! RECENT Weeks though I have relyed on good will donations of neighbors as I got only one $950 check so sent it out to a few bills and had to pay for PRESCHOOL as priority.

Food from neighbors until I get a real support check is welcomed when offered.

I also had to budget the last of cash to pay the au pair for the first few weeks.

Relied on my brother for fuel and parental help that came just in the nick of time as cost $570 in filing fees and a bond to file the appeal which was indeed priority.

So I have none of those normal routines of errands to rely on for things like dropping off my prescription when doing the shopping. I can't wait to have normal finances again to be back on a normal life schedule!

This morn I SHOULD have headed to the bank to a notory and to the court to PROPTERLY FILE my response. I AM SO EXHAUSTED as it took me a few nights and a full day to prepare what ended up being around a 20 page document.

I thought it was so cut and dry but I had so much to address that I had FORGOTTEN ABOUT. The more I looked at old paper journals etc... the more details I realized I should add. I even MISPLACED Something I just came across today I should also incorporate into it. ITs a document I wrote THE DAY OF SIGNING the nuptial so as to attest to the circumstances. It had been hidden so as not to be lifted Sot this morning I just let the girls go out and play in the snow . I just couldn't drag them off to errands ON VALENTINE'S DAY and not let them play ! I also gave them each their little valentine heart candy box.

So now I am letting them play and it will be AFTER lUNCH BREAK when I get to court to re-file then send via certified mail my NOTORIZED DOCUMENT to opposing counsel

WHAT A BIG SCREW UP THAT WAS!!

I ALSO HAD ASKED THE ATTORNEY THAT REPRESENTED ME FOR THE PPO TO FILE A MOTION WITHDRAWING ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO.

AT THat time I ALSO asked him and my other attorney for the divorce to get me a copy of the JUDGEMENT from Jan 10 when the Loudoun Circuit Judge threw out the PPO petition, but NEITHER of the attorneys did so.

I only got a copy of that LAST MONDAY.
The weird thing is that I saw the attorney who represented me at court that MON and TOLD him I was then heading to RICHMOND with the little girls to figure out how to file my own appeal.

HE COULD HAVE TOLD me that the procedure is to file the Notice of APPEAL at the TRIAL COURT LEVEL.

I find it hard to believe he didn't KNOW THAT.

But then again, maybe he didn't.

I had a sitter for SADIE, but the other three and I enjoyed a treck to RICHMOND on that bitter cold MON. I did meet an amazing woman and my whole case file is in her care just in case anything goes wrong. It makes me MORE COMFORTABLE to have someone else have a copy of it all!

I also talked to a few RICHMOND lawyers. The problem was that there is some law that a lawyer can not just file a NOTICE for someone UNLESS that lawyer intends to follow through with a case.
ITS OK though as THANKS to the help of my coffee friend who was SO SWEET to take a call from me in the middle of his workday last FRI and then called me back to help with my research in finding the clerk of the appellate court phone # in Richmond, I got through and learned the PROPER procedure in the nick of time.

If it were not for his help I WOULD NOT have timely filed that APPEAL and indeed then it MIGHT HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE that WESTELY COULD INDEED KICK ME OUT !

Now that I had this respite, and took my medication that should kick in soon, I think I have a bit more energy.

After being up so late a few days I felt dead to the world today. Yesterday I did go to ECKARD where I could use my charge card to buy whatever provisions they sell (albeit overpriced) to get by until I get a checl! With the au pair arriving I wanted to have enough provisions and also a few nice things to greet her with- like a few nice bath items and a few other things I found on the clearance rack for her room to make it a bit special . I also picked up poster board so we can make a welcome sign. The girls look forward to decorating for her after we clean the house spick and span today and tommorrow.

My coffee friend last night told me he hadn;t sent anything. I wondered as I sent the UPS guy away in an emulation of Westley in a snippy entitled tone of "Well deliver tommorrow then " after I had told him the alternate route to get to my house and avoid the dipping low lying road and bridge he was worried about. I then hung up. I just wasn;t going to pack all four girls back in the car not REALLY being able to confirm it was UPS and I can wait til they can get through.

So it WAS NICE to later head out and REALLY FIND a box of FLORIDA ORANGES from my oldest BROTHER!

The flowers are likely from them as well, or from Westley for the girls.

I was disappointed a little when my coffee friend said he hadn't sent anything. I guess we women should EXPECT to be persued vigorously when we say NO! Its not fair to do that! I just thought that if interested and truly patient a bit of sustained effort and REAL DATES would be so nice and then when REALLY AVAILABLE this guy might be someone whom it would be wonderful to have a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship with. But the reality is that my life is neither NORMAL, and although I feel I have always generally had it together, my life hasn't been HEALTHY as I certainly wasn't in a healthy relationship, and whether I like it or not that did eventually take its toll on me!

As I always told my girlfriends, ANYONE who is TRULY HEALTHY will not be drawn to you when you are not in a healthy place yourself.

So that being the case, that my life is not yet stable- I am not surprised this seemingly HEALTHY guy is reserving the prime time date nights for other women, and I am not the one he is sending flowers to ON VALENTINE's Day.

He said " I did send you an e-card"

So I came on to retreive it and it REALLY IS JUST PERFECT for me for now! ITs flirty and funny and the gal looks like me.... It in fact reminds me of the drawing creative old roomie did on a birthday cake at one of my favorite birthday parties ever. (WAY BACK when working at ASI when all my co-worker cohorts came and we had a blast. They were the game playing crew as we got together every FRI night for RISK tournaments for a while!)

So that really picked up this tired spirit.

EVEN IF the time sent was 10:30 pm AFTER he called me .... hmmm.... hey he clearly didn't want to disappoint as he said " I sent an e-card"
Thank goodness for Blue Mountain for those last minute saves!

I have to also rely on that NOW as in all this craziness it is THE FIRST YEAR I have not sent my kids in Buffalo Valentines ahead of time!

So to send my own last minute "SAVES" e-cards now and then gather the crew to muster the energy for those last moment details this ADHD mind missed- notory, letter WRITTEN BY ME to file dismissing counsel, in which I will mention I asked others to do so as well.

I'm not one to like to attack or implicate others. So I hate to point out when something WASN'T followed up on by an attny that is SO SUBSTANTIALLY VITAL to the outcome of a case. But at the same time I can't just lay down and let myself get beaten so to speak any longer.

So I have tried to be tactful in how I wrote my pleading and will do so in the MOTION I DRAFT that I need to swing by and see if I can get the attnys to sign.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

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