2007-02-15 - 8:02 a.m.

I received lovely flowers from my parents. A lily like variety that the name of which is alluding me right now. I have to look it up as I study my class materials.

I hope to have lucked out as I had been thinking that my au pair was arriving on a Wed (for some reason I made that mistake about a month ago and planned around it!) and lo and behold that is not the case! She gets in tonight!

So I mistakenly didn't arrange for alternate child care today and therefore the fact that LOUDOUN schools are closed to inclement weather may make my ABSENCE in class today either NON EXISTANT (As there may not be class!) OR Excusable! I think I lucked out as this past TUE was a hideously snowy day and that too may be a day that ends up being a rescheduled make up day! (And I didn't make it to class then either! I Had to rush to file my pleading and be back in time to meet the kids as then too I had no other child care and school closed early due to snow.)

With my au pair here tonight I should then be home free getting to my program. provided I haven't gotten kicked out.

This Master Gardeners Program really is awesome. They do move through A TON of material SUPER QUICKLY.
Its ALOT to absorb, but so interesting, and iroincally it HELPS my law study as I can sit down with those fresh materials and get into focused study mode,then EASILY switch to law materials and be more engaged and seem to ABSORB the legal jargon much better.

I think its because I must have had some unrecognized anxiety about studying the law that created a mental block. So when I study the science first it is so relaxing and fun and then I approach the law material in a comfortable state without stress.

*I can think of OTHER wonderful study breaks that relieve stress and clear my mind, but most of them haven't been attainable at this time of life! Running, swimming, and other healthy physical activity often do it for me.... dancing.. but other than the swimming and running that I can do alone, I am such a SOCIAL person that I need a partner for many of those other things! And so without one I do my best to meet my needs. For now this class has been a trememdous gift!

What's a riot is that I now TOTALLY understand some of my former friends/ co workers relationships and the roles they had in each others lives. I remember a good friend who I worked with that went on to law school and we were all baffled when another associate we worked with (an older divorced woman ) had this interesting relationship with him. None of us "Got it" at the time-- but I FINALLY see the light. It was a mutually supportive thing.... and I understand it all the more now. They were both "broken" people at some level, and had such wounding that they helped each other heal. What I get was that the older woman was this guy friend's study break so he could forget any stressors and focus! HA HA! He is now a lawyer in a quiet northeastern small town. She in turn loved helping nurture and take care of him to the degree she could! He was one of those philosophy majors actually ACTIVE in a Socialist organization who was truly a leftist liberal academic type. Clearly a smart person seeking MEANING in life attracted to those idealistic notions in "theory" while a young student seeking a meaningful existance who likely is now apprechiating CAPITALISM and its Realism as I bet he is settled with a wife, kids and mortgage! Or better yet divorced with child support to pay so capitalism's lure is all the more important if in the disgruntled bitter phase of having lost faith in goodness of people. HA HA... I seriouly think the thing that he didn't have which was what was missing in him having PEACE was FAITH. He was an acclaimed agnostic and I think that one lack of a gift of faith in his life made him perpetually seeking.

What is interesting to me is that I can now IDENTIFY and UNDERSTAND some of those Broken people in my life in the past who I had empathy for but not real understanding. I could feel for them and recognize their struggles, but I was so CENTERED and WHOLE and UNMARRED at the time myself that I was a pillar of support to them. They would chat with me over coffee and I was a voice of consistent reason and calm for them. Now it amazes me that I could be as vulnerable. I recognize this brokenness in me that leads one to seek connection in ways that are not necessarilly the healthiest but merely quick band aid fixes, so I am glad to avoid self destructive behavior and seek out valuable and sustainable connections with others.

Last night I reviewed soil science, and entomology. I recalled the favorite childrens book of Katerina
Insects Are My Life!
which she read over and over again at age 4.

In the early morning hours the littlest one crawled into bed with me. She was so adorable waking in the morning as I studied and joining me. She was a riot when I turned a page of my EVIDENCE text and she complained she had still been reading it, and flipped back. She cracked me up. It did have a numbered list I think she was studying.

I admit it- this AM was the first time I cracked that EVIDENCE book in years after EVER SO BRIEFLY consulting it in preparing my pleading the other day.

Oy Vei!!

A reason the saying goes "Only a Fool Represents him/herself"

I BUTCHERED not only PROCEDURAL rules in filing my own ANSWER the other day, but I am pretty sure that I slammed the Federal Rules of Evidence in a pretty big way too. Now it wouldn't have been so bad if I had sent A COPY of every exhibit to opposing counsel, but when I ASKED the intake person to copy the whole darn filing and they were reluctant and said "We usually only copy the cover page" I HAVE NO IDEA why I entered into that pleasing acquiescent state of mind of defering to their input.

I just thought "Oh , I can pull my other copy from my computer and put the cover on it. "

AND THEN I FORGOT that I hadn't actually retained COPIES of each exhibit.

I DO HAVE THEM ALL HERE SOMEWHERE I AM SURE In files, tucked away and would have to reassemble and recompile etc....

So I stupidly said "OK- just give me the cover"
WHEN I HAD BEEN THINKING WHEN I ENTERED THE FILE ROOM "I have to make sure to pay for them to copy the complete file, and I should get two even though its more expensive to pay them for it as I hadn't time to do that"

That is the big mystery to me. How did I , the formerly very assertive and self determined debate winning , calm cool and patient level headed person with tenacity and unflappable ability to calmly reason and give my opinion such that it took me to the State finals in HS and LAW SCHOOL Winning of Jessup Moot Court in a way that astounded the other participants EVER END UP IN THAT RELATIONSHIP with a man who professed the only reason he persued me with passion and zeal was that "You were the only one who ever said NO to me."

And HOW did I EVER end up in that SO LONG that I have literally shut off that reason, and gotten USED TO ACQUIESING to AVOID VIOLENCE over the LEAST bit of disagreement or difference of opinion in my home, that I WALKED INTO THE FILE ROOM KNOWING I NEED THE WHOLE PLEADING COPIED but when some MALE file clerk said " WE usually only copy the cover page"

MY MENTAL CAPACITY JUST SHUT DOWN AND I SAID "OK"

To me that was a sign of me still requiring work on the road to recovery of having been hurt. I stayed in my relationship as long as I felt I was strong enough to not be marred by it. But in retrospect I don't think ANYONE can be that strong to sustain attack of self over and over again and emerge unscathed.

The secret for me is to not carry scars that toughen me and render me incapable of trusting and truly loving, while at the same time being able to discern between those who really care for ME and those who RECOGNIZE my vunerability and seek relationship to either take advantatge of that, or because they are equally vulnerable and therefore find me as one who would accept and love them in their brokenness.

I hope to foster all those wonderful friendships I have, and as I develop new ones hope they are healthy ones with people I am drawn to for their gifts, and likewise hope they are drawn to my strenghts and gifts and also able to accept my quirky weaknesses and sorid past without taking advantage of those moments of vulnerability as above when I most shockingly fell into robatic fight or flight non threatening acquiescing mode at the least little thing.

It startles me that I could do that with even SIMPLE things. That is what scares me. That with something SO IMPORTANT as that filing, and KNOWING I NEEDED to have copies made, and even PLANNING on it, that I have been SO ISOLATED and SO OUT OF PRACTICE with interacting with anyone other than Westley and kids and taking that Target job where the role WAS to listen and follow instructions, that I would have such DEFERENCE to the opinion of someone in what I must have at some level seen as an "authority" figure.

Its just so opposite to my core personality.

The quest had been to BREAK me of my independence. I wonder why it is that women who ARE independent are those that attract men that want to break them of it? ?

There is something to be said about a woman having a vulnerability that a man can apprechiate when she turns to his to be her helper. I think too that is a trait which FOSTERS connection. That at some level there are these actual GENDER differences when a man knows he is the PROVIDER and HELPER and one a woman relys on in her vulnerability. There is something men find ATTRACTIVE in such vulnerability. There is something in being truly VALUED AND APPRECHIATED AND LOVED by a woman who ACCEPTS and RECOGNIZES that the man you love really DOES provide the strengh and support for her that she needs.

So I have that need. I really do. Its that dance of finding one to REALLY TRUST and love that will fulfill needs in moments of vulnerability and weakness while respecting strenghts and encouraging self development of each other. I think trust and good communication and self confidence really are those keys to finding that.

So it makes me wonder, Had I taken up the offer from my coffee friend to HELP when I had no heat that one night, and trouble with water the next week and he said I could come over and take a bath. (I went swimming at the pool and enjoyed that shower!) would that dynamic been a HEALTHY one? Would it have drawn us CLOSER as he would be the valued rescuer and "provider" of me the damsel in distress?? Would it have been healty to trust and have accepted his concern?

I think so. I think because I couldn't do so due to the legal circumstances and that it could come back to haunt me in a courtroom perhaps informed my choices more than what would have been NATURAL. It would have been NATURAL for me to trust this friend. HE isn't one who pushes boundaries (I think!) He appears to be one who would have been happy to assist me. I just wonder if my independence is TOO great that in that case and perhaps in others it projects a lack of TRUST in my unwillingness to be at all VULNERABLE. One has to be open to vulnerability to let relationships grow. Its really a matter for me of learning to read the signs of whether my trust and vulnerability is well placed, and not being SO STUBBORN that I am unwilling to ever accept care and concern of others who ARE HEALTHY such that the only ones breaking in to my independent world are the dysfunctional ones drawn to the challenge to empower their own low sense of esteem hidden by accomplishments.

I was an item on a check list for my husband. I was someone he couldn't succeed with as we had dated and I turned him down and I married another. And then I was his obsessive quest- he who had never FAILED at anything was DETERMINED to WIN ME. I was an OBJECTIFIED GOAL.

So he WON me, and then I was one he had to BREAK in a twisted sense of retribution as I was ALSO the only one he ever felt such pain of rejection from.

Our whole marriage was to resolve that quest for success for himself.

So he succeeded. He won me, then he hurt me as I hurt him. I unintenionally, he with great intention and bitterness and retributive sense of twisted justice.

So here I am having been broken but healing each day as I reclaim my sense of self. Here I am actulizing my dreams that were thwarted and crushed for so long.

I just don't want to be rescued. I want someone to love me in my strength and not in vulnerability as I worry about that being exploited or being taken advantage of. But then again I wonder if this cuts off possibilities with HEALTHY and COMPASSIONATE men and if I close myself to NORMAL HEALTHY relationship due to my fierce independent streak and stubbornness. I then wonder if this is one of those DISTANCING THINGS that then means the only ones who I let into my life are those who seek the challenge and persist as I have distanced. And I then wonder that I end up with those who IGNORE needs of mine and DON'T then give me much attention.

Trying to figure this out and work on myself as I know I need to grow and learn so I can have HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS some day.

End of my morning therapy writing! Off to clean the house in preparation for welcoming our new au pair's arrival! YAH!!!

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