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2007-03-17 - 12:44 p.m.

I am just relaxing this AM reading after sleeping in .

I really needed to catch up on rest.

Picked up an amazing book BOUNDARIES which friends loaned to me a few months ago.

Great joke from it:

"What happens when a rescuing enabling person meets a controlling insensitive person?

They get married"

p 59 BOUNDARIES by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Last weekend was a particuallary difficult one for me emotionally. It was just such a beautiful weekend with the first Spring like weather, and I longed to be outside pruning and starting the farming activities done this time of year: Starting seeds in flats, cleaning up the mess of things that need to be cut back and hauled away, finishing the clearing of the stone wall, picking up of all the branches all over the place- basically Spring Cleaning.

And I terribly missed Westley then. It was an activity we were really happy doing together as a whole family.

I just realized that its something the kids in Buffalo talk of missing too. Katerina said she just couldn't wait to walk around and work outside the last time she came (but not much to do in Nov and Dec outside when she was here last!) She was our primary weeder. For some reason she loved that task and was very good at it.

Soren was the primary seed sower. He and Sadie put the seed down after I set the rows after Westely had tilled the plot.

It was just sheer emotional flooding of sadness at missing our whole intact family enjoying that that overcame me last weekend.

I really just needed a HUG and to be HELD by someone.

Trouble is that in a divorce all those who we shared relationships with as a couple of course want to stay out of it. So you become even MORE alone.

My brothers invited me to join them in Fl at the eldests this weekend. They are all there to celebrate St. Patty's Day. I however hadn't checked my e-mail in a long time so missed the invite until last moment. I also haven't the finances for that last minute. E-mailed back and my bro called me today and amazingly told me he wired money. They really are so incredibly supportive. I thanked him and said that would make it EASIER as my task this AM had been to prioritize in paying bills. Now I may actually be able to pay them all.

Financially a bit overextended as I expected to have arrears from date of filing for child support. Not so bad though... so its a question of what is worth expending energy on . I'm not qoing to squabble over every damn thing as in the end the most important thing is for me to be fully present and providing the needed empotional support for the girls.

On that note I yesterday just ditched my whole plan for the day and instead focused on the needs of my au pair. She really needed the emotional support.

If not nurtured she would be out of here.

SO I brought her with me to the Bible study. I realized she needed me to be MORE assertive and in fact NEEDED me to be somewhat bossy in helping her get out there. I told her to CALL her friend to see if they can get together as she needs social interaction with peers. The isolation of being on the farm was getting to her, as well as the natural homesickness that typically peaks at 4 to 6 weeks.
We then visited a college to see about class for her. She looked like she was happy when I later dropped her off with her friend for a weekend there watching movies and hanging out.

I already had responded to a pleading. I just wanted to file a more concice targeted additional overview to add clarity to the really dense unedited one I filed JUST IN CASE I didn't have time to clean it up. (So a response was on record in time) I can present a succinct clear argument orally though and hope make up for the deficiency of being so verbose and lengthy as I know it won't all get processed and understood well otherwise. (The judge will be asleep reading it as it was in that rushed rambling overly wordy fashion I am afraid. But better than no respose and ignoring facts!)

Regarding How I am Emotionally:

It was like all the hurt and pain was awakening after being shut off. All the emotion I have supressed due to having to be emotionally DETATCHED so as to be insulated from the abusiveness WHILE IN THE RELATIONSHIP just opened up.

And I was alone. Well not alone, but with the kids, so I had to Continue to be the strong supportive person.

I was so happy my friend Pocahontas actually had invited me to a dinner party that weekend! But I had no money to get a sitter and my au pair was off and I couldn't avail myself of it.

This weekend she also invited me to spend time together and I would like to but I know I have to focus on this project of the Statement of Facts for appeal that is due this week in Richmond.
I just called my friend as she indicated she was hoping to spend time together and I has been intending on working on my writing for legal issues so had not wanted too much on my plate.

Recognizing there is something in ME that says NO to those normal HEALTHY times with friends Just to spend time... and that I then respond to relationship with those in Need and/or those who have thought they were "recuing" me when I am in need.

So I just called her back thinking I need to be in the healthier habit of nurtuing and building friendships with people when both they and I are not in crisis!

To do so requires that I am RESPONSIBLE and ORGANIZED.

The real key there is for me to be CONFIDENT in my ability to get my responsibilities done while still PLANNING Some time to nutrure ME and FRIENDS. Not because I HAVE to , and not because I NEED someone to-- -but because we both Want to.

That should be the obvious.

But what is clear to me is that I haven't always done that!

At least I am really good at not being impulsive despite desires! Another great quote from the book mentioned above:

"We need to be able to say NO to ourselves. This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time"

I am good at that. I am also learning that I need to say YES! at opportunities that are healthy! I think I am recognizing that I have been one to place the "wall" by not being responsive to others when they have made healthy overtures. One way of doing that is by behaviors such as BEING LATE, or NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAN AHEAD and always trying to make spontaneous last moment plans.

I had such personal growth in those areas of my life in the past few years.
The chaotic crisis (combined with mot having the support of treatment, counseling and medication that was interruped, and support of healthy friendships) really did impact me in ways I am now recognizing. I have had a regression in those areas of my life that I had such positive change in.

That became glarinly apparent when I missed opportunity by being late and then being totally irresponsible by blowing off my friend.
And perhaps by me then putting on the emptional breaks and being afriad of healthy connection and myself distancing. I did so out of fear. Perhpas truly fear of scrutiny and legally being attacked, but I think ALSO I have to acknowledge some fears for some reason of actually meeting my own needs. Perhaps as I am SO USED to them being on the back burner.

What startles me is that now when trying to overcome that I recognize that at times I have picked up some of the behaviors that were Surrounding me! At least I identify them when I do them- but it doesn't make me any LESS accountable for them.

I didn't realize it, but at some subconsious level I have been playing the needy victim. In a very real sense it was Healthy to open myself up and ask for help when I needed it. ( A break of the pattern of NEVER allowing to get help from others) But in another manner it is not healthy to only turn to friends when I have that need.

So in my self development I am now trying to not only consiously seek out those who are HEALTHY and being discerning in not having friendships based on those who violate boundaries and push through my walls, but also taking that even greater self development step of recognizing my walls and my own subconsious destructive behaviors. What is startling is that SOME of them are not those I have ever done, but are so clealy those of one victimized.

I haven't come through as unscathed as I had THOUGHT I would be.

As I wanted to BELIEVE I could be untouched.

Thus this weekend alone is a good thing. Hoping to balance my life with PREPLANNED activity with friends and healthy interaction and development of relationship with others through my classes, volunteer work and community involvement.

I am happy to have a bunch of commitments on my schedule regarding those things.

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