2007-03-22 - 2:33 p.m.

I actaully enjoyed a date. I have absolutely NO TRUST but it was refreshing to go out with a man for dinner who gets that. It was refreshing to be able to meet a guy who had asked if I was interested in going to a place that has great Martinis and say "Sure I have never had a Martini"

When he said "great" and later when he called to verify I wasn't lost and en route (and I was- both en route and lost and yes of course running a few moments late)....

Well it was refresing that when he said "I have a MArtini waiting for you" I could assertively say "Thanks, that's sweet, go ahead and enjoy it as you'll be waiting a little while, and order me a fresh one when I get there"

It was nice to recognize I haven't been SO BROKEN as to be rendered STUPID- so I was smart enough that when arriving to see the two martinis I assertively said "Thanks" and boldly SWITCHED THE DRINKS

HE looked VERY STUNNED as I said with a hug, "I DON'T TRUST YOU TRUST HAS TO BE EARNED"

So I am so aware of being fucked up and tramatized and that I shouldn't be dating but have to balance that that means also I am so NEEDY of FRIENDSHIP and healthy relationships and validation.

It was at least refreshing to spend time with this man last night out for dinner who gets all this.

Due to his life experience he got it when I could later say at the point of the good night kiss boldly "Yes I would like to just fuck you too" BUT make it clear I can't nor won't do so as WE BOTH understood that tendency of women who have been victimized who become nymphos as their whole sense of self has been shattered.

What can I say He was a New Yorker who wasn't stunned by my NY sensibility and my crass honesty and self knowledge that I am in that vulnerable state and my wisdom to see it and know I need HEALTHY CONNECTION and not just a fucking fling.

BUT DAMN that instinctive nature that becomes so damn prominent after one is at that base fight or flight stage of subsisting at the bottom of Maslov's triangle is SO STRONG.

I am not in that VISCERAL FEAR state of fighting only to have basic needs met.

I am not without spirtual and intellectual and enriched self development

I have been climbing out of being at the bottom of that triangle--

But I think the result of being so tramatized is that it is a process.

There is a raw survivalist -- call it post tramatic sensibility that even if one is AWARE of is just such a challenge to heal.

So this guy understands all this. Its something that he deals with every day in his work. OF course that means either he can see all of who I am with respect and clarity OR HE is just a manipulative enabler seeking to take advantage of my vulnerability

Time will tell.

I am too smart to be taken advantage of.

But being human, I can of course still be hurt as I am not going to avoid connection. I am just seeking HEALTHY CONNECTION

And I thought that I was in need of OTHER friends as I just really value and want to talk to my coffee friend and want to have trust and healthy connection with him---- so I AVOIDED any temptation of involvement with the dysfunctional dancer, then avoided temptation of involvement with he the seemingly healthy guy who I wasn't seeking to meet (but was really seeking just to GET ON WITH MY LIFE AND NOT THINK OF WESTLEY WITH ANY HOPEFULLNESS... that's the real truth... I miss him, and know that's normal... )

But damn its annoying that there is the possibility of that stupid carnal temptation with attractive men....

I mean in the past, I wouldn't have EVEN BEEN TEMPTED as I wouldn't even have DESIRE for a sexual connection with someone without commitment.

Now I wonder if it is deception that there can be such thing as HEALTHY CASUAL SEX

I think that really only can be entered into WHEN ONE IS SO BROKEN AND UNHEALTHY THAT THEY CAN DISCONNECT AND BE DETATCHED and then have that sexual intimacy devoid of the emotional intimacy.

Yes so those women and men can have sex without guilt and walk away and not expect to ever hear from the other again. They can meet their animalistic NEEDS. But it is indicative of them shutting off parts of self so wounded that they are limiting their existance to the subsisting at that bottom rung of Maslov's triangle

So I feel like I have been really broken.

I feel I am still not that far from that bottom tier to even have such neediness emotionally and to even have such carnal appetite that is temptation.

Because never before was I even having to FIGHT THOSE INSTINCTIVE CARNAL URGES.

At least my date last night gets all this so I could be so honest (albeit crass) and say how when I was an RA I would see those few nymphomanic girls and reach out to them and get them hooked up with good counselors.

There were a few.

They were so clearly victims of abuse.

DAMN

I am glad to have a few good books on order at the library, and to have splurged for a wopping $3.53 for one on HALF.COM

I did note a few things in my acute state of awareness which is something that also happens when in that vigilant survival mode (or perhaps post tramatic paranoid mode??? NOt always sure which it it...) I did notice that my date WATERED down the drink he had AFTER I SWITCHED IT.

I did notice that he nursed that all night and never finished it... but instead had a beer. I did notice that after I drank mine he OFFERED it to me again.

I did notice he did all the "right things" to act like he was interested... like when a call from his sister came acted like he was thrilled to tell her of meeting me, like saying he could see doing things with me in the future ... all those seeming "positive" signs... YOu can read articles on this stuff. Thing is that I am not ready for anything serious .... and so jaded that I figure a person with his training could FAKE and MANIPULATE REALLY WELL.

I kept thinking I would be smart and try to relax and enjoy time... and I did. I really did.

I really DID have a nice night out.

But I really DO have this HUGE trust issue and thought once again he so easily could have been paid REALLY WELL to take me out to further litigation purposes.

But I am trying to balance all of this in the healthiest way.

And its just so clear to me that I just need a good therapist and time with good friends and family I KNOW I CAN TRUST.

Time heals wounds, right?

ONe other thing that makes it difficult is that indeed, as I anticipated, my health insurance is apparently no longer active.

I opted not to fill my prescription although due.

I managed to get through life for 35 years WITHOUT MEDICATION.

There was ONE REASON I turned to it.

TO BE ABLE TO SIT THROUGH THE BAR EXAM AND REALLY BE ATTENTIVE IN ACTUALLY TAKING IT.

I hope I have achieved that goal.

Yes the medication helps in other areas of life as well, but so do my life skills. I can just be RESPONSIBLE.

I can just GROW UP in a sense.

I can just NOT BE SELFISH and NOT ALLOW myself to rely on anyone else to meet my needs.

So that's what I'll do.

And I am sure, like in my past, I may not do it perfectly-- but I will do so WELL ENOUGH.

Because I am a paradox. I write of my limitations, challenges and weaknessess and vulnerabilities-- but most of all I AM STRONG.

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