2007-04-27 - 12:34 p.m.

My oldest brother visted me last weekend and it was a wonderful one.

On Saturday night I impromptu invited my few friends who live nearby to come over and socialize and told them to bring any friends they wanted to as well. I had called them on Friday. We ended up having a lovely evening visting with a half dozen friends.

My brother went to the store and picked up some food wine and beer.

(Of course that means I have most of the beer in my fridge where it will sit for months until the next gathering! That means I have to do this again! YAH!)

IT was SO MUCH FUN!

My brother liked my friends. We had a great time just talking and laughing that evening. The idea of game night was nixed when I realized the choice of games I had in the house was somewhat pitiful. CAREERS MONOPOLY and a few other odd ones like Sorry that is 30 years old. That and checkers and chess. We wanted to visit with each other more. Blackford, and Pocohantas and The Foxy Artist came.

It turned out that the artist had met pocohantas MONTHS AGO and he was a bit freaked she was my good friend I have been speaking of as he wanted to take her out and like the typical arty flighy type he is he had lost her #. So I passed it on to him after she said OK
Its nice we can all hang out together now!
It was really funny as the previous SUN he was over hanging out as I had just run into him in town after I headed to the library for a tax form I need, and discovered it was closed at 5pm. He called and said he was almost at the library as he needed a form. I asked "Which one?" and it turned out I HAD THAT ONE IN MY BAG! So I told him "Library is closed, I just came from there! Meet me in the parking lot and I'll give you the form as I am here checking e-mail on my laptop."

So it was hilarious meeting in a PVILLE parking lot looking like we were up to no good, just to hand off a tax form !

I laughed as the folks working at the SUB shop were looking at us and I imagine their imaginations had a much more interesting story than the reality of two smart artistic and somewhat disorganized friends!

So I said "Come over for dinner, its in the oven and will be ready soon"

So Foxy artist came over to eat with Katerina and SOren and I . I was SO GLAD he did as had he not been there I may not have FINISHED the BD CAKE for SOREN that I had STARTED earlier but forgot to complete in my running out to get the tax form. (Even though we had cake and celebrated a few days earlier before the little ones went on their weekend with their Daddy! After all IT WAS SOREN'S BD and he wanted cake THAT DAY!)
Katerina was watching a movie she needed to see for a school assignment. I felt bad Soren was a bit bored, and was glad he loved my friend's fun company so dinner was really fun. So she was in the middle of her movie and I was glad for the help with finishing the cake in time to eat it before we headed off to the airport, and for my friends help as he cleaned the kitchen.

So then we are about to go , and Foxy artist couldn't find his keys. Seriously! I might just change his knickname to flighty artist.

If I didn't know better I would say Foxy more apt as maybe he was being sneaky... as he could leave then.

So he was STUCK at my house. I had to head to the airport and said to him " I love you, I trust you. Don't steal anything and make yourself comfortable-- don't stress. They will turn up and if not pick a movie and settle in on the couch and I can get you to work in the AM."

His co worker DID have a spare as he was in the process of BORROWING the car to see if he liked it and was thinking of buying it.

So I headed to the airport and he was happily on my couch.
I talked to him and said to not wait for me but go to sleep and he said "No I'll wait"

He was looking forward to my company.

ANd then I KNEW I just couldn't go home.

I had a huge dilemma. HERE I had the guy who was so attractive and funny and smart and one of my best friends who is also equally attracted to me on my couch.

And I had an offer to go meet Blackford for the night as well. And my FOZY ARTIST friend KNEW THAT I HAD TOLD HIM I WAS STRUGGLING with that offer... as I WANTED to and KNEW I LIKELY SHOULDN'T!!!

I SHOULD NOT GET INVOLVED UNTIL DIVORCED.

I TOLD MYSELF I WANTED FRIENDS ONLY

Yet Blackford is well....

BLackford.
Almost indescribably when it comes to the reaction I have to him when we are together.

I mean there is ATTRACTION when with my artist friend...

And love of a good friend... and the knowledge we COULD BOTH GO THERE and then always lose our keys together etc... we are such peas in a pod, Pocahontas, Art, and I (Excellent ARt works the best for a knickname)

I just KNOW not to even TRY to make that work as anything other than a friendship... (Yet there was that kiss one night after coffee...)

YEt perhaps because Blackford and I are just in the EXACT SAME PLACE EMOTIONALLY NEEDY AND NEEDING THAT HEALING AND VALIDATION (Which Pocohantas recognized so she avoided relationship other than friends... but she is also just not attracted to him)

Yet Blackford is SO STABLE. Otherwise SO HEALTHY and SO TOGETHER and sensitive and helpful and wonderful.

HE is truly a man hard to resist.

Which is why this Sunday BOTH HE AND POCAHONTAS ARE COMING OVER TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME.

I told him we are in trouble if she bails on me.

So that night it was interesting how when I called ARt and said "NO- Don't wait for me. I am not coming home tonight"

KNOWING that the temptation would be too much for me if I DID return home THAT NIGHT with him on my couch... it was a conscious decision I made not to lead him on , nor to play a game of romance with two men. I just can't do that.

SO I Said.

YEt we did enjoy a movie the other night... and It was Shakesphere in Love as I had joked if we don't actualize the attraction but remain friends perhaps that would be best as I can be his "muse" and he can create beautiful art.
Narcissistic of me right?
But true... both the mutual desire and the fact that is a motivator of great art and writing to release it.

It WAS so COMFORTABLE cuddling with him watching the movie. I LOVE THAT HE TALKS through movies with comments I APPRECHIATE and don't find irritating. We are much alike. And of course we did kiss and things did get a bit hot-- at which point we both knew it was time for him to leave.

THere is an art show coming up with the theme "Something Hot" I told him to paint Pocahontas

HE said he doesn't want to mess up things with Blackford and I, nor do I. Yet we struggle with this amazing friendship we wish we could maintain along with the wonder of the attracting and thrill of that.

Yet it would be too difficult I think and WOULD mess up possibilities with Blackford who actually can OFFER a committed relationship should ours grow toward that.
YEt there is something comforting in the friendship with the artist KNOWING he won't have those expectations of me nor I of him.

Because the truth is I don't WANT to jump into a relationship. The truth is I want to HEAL AND GROW and think I need ALOT of time to do that.

Blackford understands that too and in fact is at the same point. Yet we have this comfort with each other and sharing of ourselves because of that.
That and each having a household full of kids makes us just have so much in common.

This Wed night Art did enjoy going over to Pocohantas' place for dinner and then out to meet other friends to hear live music.

Last night I enjoyed a wonderful theraputic woman bonding time with her as we watched a documentary on the Vagina Monologue or whatever it was called.

VERY INSPIRING AND EMPOWERING.

So we are all friends. One night last week Blackford and Pocohontas went out to dinner. And I am very comfortable with that.

But its this funny quirky weird thing where the artist is really one of my best friends and Blackford is really one of Pocohantas' best friends. She wanted me to meet Blackford, and I wanted her to meet the Foxy Artist. Yet at some level it might just be because ALL OF US are truly reluctant to enter into a relationship at this time.

Yet Blackford and I already have to a great extent.

I am trying to not analyze it but just enjoy it. I am glad to have made the choice I made to invite everyone to my place TOGETHER. Oh- I also have a friend I had talked to alot I met who I passed the # of Pocohantas on to and last night he called her as we were watching our movie. So he'll likely take her out on a date soon. HE was the guy who asked me to meet him for dinner the night I had to decline as I was taking Pocohantas to meet Blackford and borrowing her car and she said "BLackford will take us both out to dinner." I had been honest with that guy whom I got to know over the phone through Match and via e-mail and with whom I would have gone on a date with but for meeting Blackford.

So it is nice to have developed a network of friends and it is fun to have them meet each other.

Pocohantas introduced me to a wonderful woman I have chatted with on the phone a number of times whom both she and Blackford befriended at a church support group for divorced and separated. She told me "I haven't talked to Blackford for a few weeks now, that's strange" as they had been taking on the phone. I knew why and told her Pocohontas played match maker. She came over for dinner with her two kids who the girls loved playing with on Sat night, and then we put them down for a slumber party. I was SO GLAD it worked so that she could come for the adult time together!

I'll call her Buffy in a silly not very creative manner simply because she is from the BUFFALO AREA! How cool!

In fact, we are talking of a road trip together to make it more managable and fun to go see SOREN's NEXT play!
I think we can fit all the kids in the car... have to see if that can work.

She would love to do that as she has avoided visiting family there to get the pressure and third degree and advice about her failed marriage.
I understand.

IT was so lovely to have finally met her after chatting for weeks on the phone.

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