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2007-05-11 - 12:05 p.m.

Doing shitty at getting this appellate brief written.

I don't FEEL anxious, but just have felt like I have no idea what I am doing!

Rusty on the legal writing skills. Poor at applying law at this point in life.

But I am now focused and muddling through. Here as I had to print a few pages of evidence that are in the record and I need to refer to them.

Blackford is amazing. I told him of how I kissed foxy art friend. I just couldn't help but mention it as I believe in monogomy and just can't do that- even though was tempted and DID do that. I can't let that happen again. Its been two times now since I have been involved with Blackford and I just have to not go there with foxy artist again.

It isn't that hard to have self control! I did so my whole life! I guess it is just so COMFORTABLe with art and seems so natural. But its funny how the attraction to Blackford is so much more INTENSE and with him I truly have no control. Is so very very different.

This time when Art kissed me I was kissed back but immediately felt the tension of not feeling right about it.

I am a believer in monogomy. And I recognize that the attraction is just a result of having been so broken and needing that validation SO MUCH and ART does offer that through his friendship that it was easy to kiss him, but I still felt conflicted and that even though it seemed so natural and comfortable at some level it was something i felt wasn't the right thing to do when I am involved with Blackford in such a intense phyical manner.

It think what it comes down for me thought is that Blackford and I know we are helping each other heal and both not ready to fall in love and have a committed relationship, which is why I could kiss Art. I never had that sexual involvement without commitment before and it does fall short of feeling like it is an expression of love. It is an expression more of our shared NEEDS and DESIRES for validation and acceptance and yes LOVE but we both are guarded when it comes to the trust part. That block makes it easier to feel OK for me when Art who I have a great emotionally connectedness to as a friend kisses me as at some level he and I are not as afraid of acknowledging we have a love for each other AS FRIENDS and an attraction and a CHOICE not to be in relationship as we both understand it wouldn't be what we need. So there is no conflict there at all. Yet the attraction is there nonetheless and comfortable for each of us even though I am choosing the relationship with Blackford and in a sense rejecting the offer of Art. Art told me he talked to his cousin about me and that she told him he is a fool and he should just actively persue me-- which is why he did kiss and I did kiss back acknowledging all the connection we share but stopping and cutting it off saying I know it hurts but i just can't go there with him. He then backs off.... and I recognize he would go there with Pocohonatas if she was willing so he too isn't madly in love with me. Its just so weird to have these two wonderful relationships in my life, both of which are supportive yet to feel like we are all just really people too afraid to fully be open to being in love!

I suppose if Blackford and I were to one day fall madly in love we'd know it. I feel like that hasn't happened, and we both know at some level that this is a healing relationship that we are both OK with.

He was a bit hurt though as I told him of kissing Art. But I had to in part as I don't want to kiss Art again.

What is nice is that when I saw Art yesterday as he was meeting Pocohantas as I was leaving there with the girls it was still just so comfortable as friends. Frankly I didn't feel any attraction to him nor do I most of the time UNLIKE BLACKFORD yet I find it flattering and nice when Art indicates he is attracted to me AND THEN my natural inclination is to respond but I shut it off and think of Blackford.

So maybe there is a falling for Blackford at a deeper level as I couldn't get him out of my mind when I was kissed by another, and I couldn't kiss back FREELY but was inhibited at that level of analyzing in the moment "How can I be physically attracted to more that one man?" and at the same time thinking "I wish Blackford were here."

When my therapist judge friend started flirting it only made me want to call Blackford immediately! When he said how he was turned on I had no interest in him but thought of how sexy Blackford is to me.

It is funny how the kiss with Art was so different.

OK enough distraction.
BAck to my work.
Blackford is wonderfully supportive. My computer doesn't have a functional copy of MSWORD as Westley came to the house at some point and picked up software of his and also picked up the copy of Microsoft works I bought in the past few months. Likely inadvertadly! It was installed on my laptop as well as my desktop and the laptop said it recognized the user liscense as one already used and asked me to verify the # I can't do so as its on the box I don't have, so I can't use that program on my laptop now!
Blackford also has internet which I need for this. So he has been amazingly sweet in offering me to use his house (hiding in the basement from nanny and kids!) He also offered to help me by driving me to Richmond to file the brief today and then have a date there. He was going to take off work- but alas my fear of failure and or fear of success was diabling last night and I stayed up til 4am TRYING to write but really procrastinating reading about writing appeallate briefs and feeling overwealmed.

I took my adderall this AM and realized I SHOULD have taken a dose LAST NIGHT after it wore off and then I might have met this goal! THe real deadline for filing is MON and of course I can't get that out of my head to PRETEND its today and get this damn thing done today as I HOPED TO DO!

BAck to the work. Or should I say... time to START working! I got a very little done. This is the last of the procrastination I HOPE !

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