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2007-06-25 - 5:09 p.m.

In other news the battle with Scabies continues!

Today I took my car in for a professional detailing inside and out. I had vacumed it and cleaned it a few weeks ago, and it was done thoroughly a few months ago after the driving in creek incident when it got wet--- so it is not likely there could be mice living anywhere there harboring mites. However just in case I forked over the $42 to be on the safe side as I hadn't time and energy to do it myself this time.

The house has been vacumed and scrubbed top to bottom, sheets washed NIGHTLY for a period of a week. All the laundry in the house washed, INCLUDING ALL THE unmatched socks that were in a pile REWASHED and matched! (THe living room was full of piles of the matched socks!) Great thanks to my wonderfully supportive friends who braved the huge laundry pile with me one night and after the kids were in bed kept me company watching a movie while we folded every item of laundry. It took until 2AM for our TEAM of help to get through the huge pile! I ususally keep up - if I run four to five loads AND FOLD THEM DAILY. However with the added laundry of sheets, stuffed animals etc due to scabied it was totally a big backlog last week.

PHEW so glad that was done!
So after the vauming of under beds and closets etc... It was with annoyance that I had to listen to the kids tell me how DADDY said our house is so dirty that we harbored the mites. JUST BULLSHIT

I have been trying to figure out where the heck the girls got them from. I did ask their DAD if it possible there is a mice haven in his house somewhere. (I have checked ours and there is no sign of mice activity.)

I suspected the CATERPILLARS that the girls just love to play with could possibly carry mites. So I told them not to play with the beloved caterpillars. SO SAD :( as its their all time favorite pasttime. They name them and sit on the porch and create caterpillar habitats.

I did laugh as the one day a few weeks ago after cleaning of bedrooms I went upstairs to find a newly set up caterpillar habitat, along with adorning flowers and grass clippings and pretty white rocks arranged so carefully on the sill behind Katie's bed. I had to remind her that the caterpillars belong OUTSIDE, and that she is welcome to enjoy them ON THE PORCH but not in bedrooms.

I thought it absolutely hilarious when camping that Katie woke up early, so I told her to sit in the front of the truck and play quietely with her caterpillar friends she gathered so everyone else could sleep. She did so happily. When Raitlin then awoke I set her up in the back cab of the borrowed truck with a few toys she quietly played with. I had Katie eat a snack and have a drink BEFORE going in the truck and told her we were not eating in there but keeping it clean ESPECIALLY as it was borrowed. The hilarious part was that later when I went to check on her, she was still AMAZINGLY quiet so everyone else got to sleep in- however had created a whole caterpillar habitat in the DOOR OF THE TRUCK , along with WATER in the side compartments, all the adorning clippings and flowers, and MUD slathered in little mounds. But the funniest thing of all was that she was trying to feed TOOTHPASTE to the caterpillars. AMAZING CREATIVITY in a matter of 15 minutes or so!

I gently reminded her that this was a TRUCK not intended for such a mess, in particular as it was BORROWED and that we would have to clean it all up. I reminded her toothpaste is a DRUG FOR HEALTH purposes, and is STRONG and not to be played with or EATEN by either little girls or caterpillars-- and most definately not to be SMEARED on the leather of a borrowed truck.

I did a fine job of not letting on to my own delight at observing her joyful creative play.

I hid it, and walked away and had a hearty laugh (I hope out of earshot) before going back to remind her of this.

AS Alexy awoke soon after I didn't even have time to clean it up then. I was further delighted that when the story was told to the truck owner he appeared to have been as amused as I was!
PHEW HE noted my tension and worry and reassured me that he wasn't a bit concerned about it.

HE even said something like "I am rather mellow. I think perhaps that might take some getting used to for you."

Unfortunately all too true.

I in fact have no clue really WHY but I shut down at increasing offers of help from Blackford. My good friend freaked me out with his concern and interest in helping me. I am just not used to it, and the last time I trusted it ended up that I was TOTALLY DEPENDANT.

So I have this mistrust and guarded aspect of my person that I am so trying to be aware of and curb. I know it affected even my ability to trust my lawyers. I knoe it is like a shadow over my days which I never before experienced before this year. Its so amazing to me how the fallout of being around violence occurs AFTER one is out of it.

I am pleased with the progress of myself and the girls. I feel like we have all healed to some extend. I however know there is a long road to travel until I really feel whole again.

That's the reality.

I combat those symptoms all the time.

I can't believe that I just cut off my friendship with Blackford... WHY?? Because it was SO DAMN GOOD. That makes no sense... but I didn't want it to lead to anything I am not ready for and I panicked when I felt like he might be getting serious in his emotional attachment to me. I panicked at his increasing offers to help me which made me flip out thinking he is trying to take on responsibilities that are mine to bear. I worry about that as an indicator of an enabler and an unhealthy relationship and actively try to avoid an unbalanced dichotomy.

Also I AVOID anyone who is at all negative about the girls DAD. I just don't trust people who are quick to demonize. I think it a sign of their own insecurity. If anyone can't accept that I am not bitter and that I can forgive, they then won't be able to really offer such healthy love in their relationships either. I think that lack of acceptance of me having a truly forgiving spirit-- and trying to CHANGE THAT IN ME is indicative of a weakness of spirit--- indicative of trying to build themself up by putting others down.

Perhaps I am wrong in this. But is seems I have seen that unhealthy dynamic before-- and it wasn't good for me. Evil attitudes can be compelling and in some ways GROW not only among individuals but can SPEAD to other people's consiousness.

There were a few things about Blackford I was uncomfortable with. HE truly is a remarkably supportive giving friend. HE has been an incredible help to me emotionally, and in so many ways. But I can't accept when he mocks the genuine faith of his born again nanny. HE might think it silly, but when I needed strength I wanted someone to pray with. I headed right to his house-- but not to see him, to ASK his NANNY if she would pray for me because her faith is SO STRONG and she so UNABASHDLY BELIEVES.

I want to surround myself with positive people who are attracted to my strengths and my passionate faith and resolve to be honest and patient and the KNOWLEDGE THAT I NEEDN'T FEAR because ultimately we are not the ones in control, no matter how much we WANT TO BE.

So that doesn't mean sit by idly and DO NOTHING. I liked the reminder of Judge Chamblin the day I observed his court that we are remiss if we do not seek justice when wronged.

But I do want to surround myself with those who BELIEVE IN ME and who do not look at me with fear and panic and lack of confidence in ME when they ask and I tell them about my legal case.

MORESO though, I want to surround myself with those who while concerned with my case, are not FOCUSING on such moreso than taking in the joy of life and reveling in the beauty of these daily moments.

AS for me though, I hope I am not just seeking justification to cut off the help of one who really does care about me and is good for me and who stretches me to be more organized and pay attention to those things that are important as I revel in the small daily moments.

I know I need to find BALANCE between the two extremes... to find the time to sort through the myraid papers to find the things I should follow up on, and being absorbed with the needs of the girls everyday to the extent I have no time for anything else (And then forget all about the legal stuff! Its amazing I can forget about something others worry so about!)

I am a bit frustrated that everytime I try to find a oounselor for myself I don't get ahold of one, or they don't call back and I get busy with the girls. Its high priority to find one for myself and Katie now that I have the additional support of Katerina here so she can watch the girls while I maneuver phone calls etc...

THEY ARE SUCH A HUGE HELP and the girls and they are so happy when they are here!

Today Soren and Katerina cleaned up the living room and play room. They made lunch and baked cookies with the girls.
They were sweet and nurturing to Raitlin who is sick and slept most of the day. They read stories and played games. They sang and the house was full of cheerful laughing and song.

It was so wonderful and a happy day for all!

Sadie went to a soccer camp. She came home from it EXHUBERANT with her accomplishments as she is REALLY GOOD at soccer. She is SO PROUD and excited about this

Dinner time.
So glad summer is here!

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