2007-06-30 - 12:15 p.m.

Wonderfully happy and busy.

A while back good friends of mine came over with pizza and their love and support. They are a wonderful couple and came with their lovely daughter.

They also happen to be Christian, and at the time asked "Can we pray for your family and specifically pray over this space"

It was a lovely moment when they did pray with me for peace in our home. They prayed that if there is any evil lurking here that it be gone.

Some people may find that quirky.

Some may have other words of skepticism for it.

But my friend did think perhaps there is something about this particular spot, this oh so beautiful place, which is not right. She noted that there has been a sorid history of this particular old stone historic home in the recent past. There was a woman who lived here that literally went mad. She took in stray doys thinking she was saving them, but then apparently also took in any neighboring pets who were unlucky to wander by. At one point there were hundereds of animals in her home that she could not adequately care for. In her illness she thought she was loving and caring for these animals, but the reality was they were mangy, flea infested and starving to death. After warnings the SPCA had to put them to death, and she was sent to jail. She returned from jail, set fire to this house, and called a cab. The story is that when the cab driver came she was still holding the gas can, and got in the cab seemingly not caring that he could see the burning of the house.

I don't know if she had any particular destination in mind when she called that cab.

I think she didn't. I think her mind only capable of the moment she was in without thought beyond it. I think she was so angered at the forclosure of her home that she refused to leave it for anyone else. I have no insight into how she became so ill, but a guess that social isolation must have been one factor. The fact of the animals is a clue she was alone and seeking some connection, I surmise with the dogs as she had none with people. Perhaps she knew her fate would be back in jail, or perhaps the hospital. But perhaps her mind was gone beyond the point of return.

If she was at all capable of thinking somewhat coherently, all she was able to do was actualize anger and vindictive bitterness at destroying the thing she loved because she couldn't hold onto it as her own.

I have thought of that woman on occassion as I see that very demise of self destructive behavior. I have watched the attempt to destroy the very thing one has loved when it is not in possession.Merely because it can not be in possession at the time.

Yet we are all merely stewards. We don't truly have OWNERSHIP except insofar as we hold something or someone in our hands.

How we nurture, build upon, and assist in the development of a thing of beauty for ourselves and others in all those things or people who we are stewards of at some time in some regard is very important. I think it tragic to devalue either a thing or person merely because time has come when we don't hold it in our hands any longer.

Those who truly know how to love even love after their time of being a steward has passed. They carefully preserve most of all their own souls by filling themselves with good will for those others they have loved that are moving on.

To not be able to do so is to open oneself up to that incredibly powerful destructive force.

There is energy which can be harnessed for postive creativity, or that same passion and energy which can be directed at trying to destroy.

The sad thing is that the more one facilitates this negative force of energy to try to destroy another, the more they tarnish their own self.
The more they render their own disconnected happiness.

So with great awe this week I realized that I am so tremendously happy at home. I picked up Katerina and Soren last Sunday to enjoy this summer here with all their sibings.

It is sad that Westely could not have healed to the point of also being here home with us.

I hope he is in a place of peace and content and that he can let go of biterness and allow his whole family, including me and Katerina and Soren ALONG WITH the girls enojoy our joyful moments of our lives together without bitterness.

I did receive another notice that if we do not vacate our home here in 5 days he will file an unlawful detainer action.

Unlawful detainer actions are typically filed by a landlord to a tenant who has refused to leave upon notice after not paying rent.

Its sad that Westely sees himself as our landlord. He has also been our provider and responsible for our motgage. So it really makes no sense to me, that he as the family provider would send an unlawful detainer notice to the family he provides for. I would think he WOULD WANT his family to remain in the home he bought and out his time and money and I thought soul into for us all. I would think now that the matter of the nuptial was heard and ruled that it is a valid agreement that Westely would be less inclined to try to kick us out. I would think he would be less fearful that I had some sceme to take his financial asset- which this property is part of. I had thought that after he brought the nuptial to the table to be heard in court and argued it that he might have LESS FEAR.

Yet I think he is still acting adversarial. I think one only acts adversarial when they are motivated by biterness, anger and fear. I think FEAR is indeed one of the strongest motivators.

So it was a little sad to receive the threat of an unlawful detainer action. I felt badly for Westely that he is apparently still so stressed over our remaining home.

Yet at the same time what made me think of the prayer over this place that "Evil BE GONE" was the very fact that this is a house full of love and joy. It has been full of joyful noise and MUSIC. The girls SING ! Katerina makes up silly songs about whatever she is doing JUST LIKE I USED TO DO ALL THE TIME. I have been making up songs and storys about whatever is going on in our lives JUST LIKE I USED TO DO ALL THE TIME.

So I feel like I have awoken.

I feel very alive, and happy, and joyful.

For me it was so very important to go through this healing process while HOME.

I needed this past year here for that healing. I needed to validate that we are all where we belong.

I hope for Westley he too has found the past year one of growth and icreasing beauty and joy in his life. I hope the biterness and anger has melted and wounds are healing for him as they are for us all.

Back to cleaning. I am having a wonderful day cleaning house and taking care of a bunch of little things on my to do list.

I am happy to be able to share our home with visitors this weekend. We are a host family for students here from Latin America for the International Youth Orchestera. I am so grateful for the music they are bringing to our lives as well as the stretching and growing we all undergo as we share each others cultural experiences.

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