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2007-07-13 - 7:20 p.m.

Westely came into the house the other day when I was out. He took some books that are his. I am glad it was him that came in and took them, and that he confirmed it as I had given him a 1rst Edition set of The Complete Emerson for Christmas one year, back in the boom, before I was out of his favor and he had given me free reign to buy whatever I wanted. That year I said "No" to the offer to get a horse for Katerina, a car for my parents or any brothers who may need one, a car for me other than the VOLVO wagon which was fine and I said I would be happy driving for 10 years. I said no to any extravagance, and the one thing I did splurge on was finding the first edition JOY OF COOKING for my mother for Christmas, and the Set of Emerson books for Westely. The set cost $7000 so I was happy to know indeed Westely came to get them.

What most upset me was that he hadn't asked me to bring those to him. In fact when we were first separated I would bring him things and he would refuse to take them and said he wanted them stored here.

So it is strange that at every moment of a pick up or drop off he asks for the most bizarre inconsequential things--such as saying "I want all the blue towels. They are mine. I bought them before we were married"

Ok - so I gather and bring the towels.

Then he gets angered that there is a matching bath mat not there.
I THOUGHT it was and told him to check, but alas it was in the laundry still. What is so bizzare is that because I said " I gave it to you" as I really thought I had done so, that the next time he picked up the girls he had to say "YOur a liar. I also got the bath mat which was in the house."

I wish he would see just how damaging it is to call me names and be so nitpicky about each little thing at every interaction with me when exchanging the girls.

The strangest request of all was when he held up a pink hair band and said " I bought these. I want the matching one."

What doesn't sit well with me is the bizarre asking for these small items, and then his coming here to the house and taking the larger items of value.

I don't get it. I would think he would have asked for them. I feel like it is some weird game I can't quite figure out.

What concerns me most of all though is that a friend called me to see if I wanted to meet for lunch and it turned out that when I was out with that friend it was when Westely came into the house. Tonight that same friend invited me to come to dinner-- to help me out and give me a break with having to cook. But now because of the fact Westely came into the house when I was out with that friend, it makes me have a trust issue. Especially as when cleaning the house I just discovered all my financial folders for the bills of maintaining this house are ALSO GONE.

That makes me feel like perhaps I am being set up to get out of the house again. It makes me not trust this friend simply as it was the one I was out with-- which seemed a bit odd as it was during the work day and the friend of mine was working but asked if the girls and I would meet for lunch and my friend took an extra long lunch. But before paying for it my friend had to run to cash a paycheck which makes me wonder if it was an opportunity to make a phone call to confirm I was not going to be home a while.

I HATE WHEN I START TO THINK LIKE THIS. IT Of course only happens when there is some circumstancial coincidence or pattern of entry into my home coinciding with a person inviting me to go out. The invites that coincide with entry of the home and taking of things here are what make me not trust. Yet I know it so unlikely that this friend who just happened to walk up to me and befriend me one day was not sincere and just interested in me for some reason. It not likely that this friend is anything other than a friend to me.

I ate a good lunch, I slept VERY WELL and even took a nap today. Yet once again when there was the actual stimuli of a break in, I start to get paranoid. I did take my ADDERALL today and actually think that the incidents of being paranoid have occurred when I have taken it. I don't think they have occurred when I haven't . THe only problem I have is that considering the ACTUAL things that Westely has done, I wonder if my fears are really PARANOID fears or if they are REASONABLE FEARS.

In any case I am cleaning my house. I have this fear of Westley wanting me out of the house to come take photos-- mainly as at every opportunity he tells me he has done so and says things like "Your house is a mess. There is Rosemary all over the kitchen floor."

True there was... and I wondered when that got spilled. True I vacumed under the kitchen table daily but not that half of the kitchen and just left the rosmary likely spilled when a little girl was in time out. It was there a few days. Cleaning the dishes, cooking, and vacuming under the table were priority. Strong smelling Rosemary is likely a bug and mouse repellant.

I am totally stressed today. That is likely why I am freaking out here about leaving and cleaning the house top to bottom. I swear a spic and span house is indeed a sign of ill mental health!

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