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2007-07-17 - 8:50 a.m.

DAMN I just wrote and lost it all.

Brief version

I received a marriage proposal on Fri night. It was a kind of desperate attempt to not lose me. That won't enable me to have a relationship romantically any more than the attesting to loving me would.

The strange thing is this comes from a man who also brought me food, and then when we sat down he didn't eat any of it.

Either I am still fighting PTSD in worry that when this same man took the girls and I to lunch and had to step away for a moment the other day I thought "He is calling Westely"

MAybe it is PTSD that made me not trust this friend when after returning home WEstely had in fact entered the house and taken some things: THe 1rst Edition Emerson Collection I bought him for Christmas one year (yes it is his) ANd my folders for all the current bills (no they are not his!)

Maybe its PTSD that makes me wary when I noted my friend ARt brought food for me and the girls but he did not touch his plate.


Maybe its just PTSD that makes me note that I now have a sore throat, and I had diareahha and that it seems clear that after JUST getting over STREP that I just caught it FROM THAT FOOD.


I have this fear of Westely trying to poison me.

I have had that fear before.

I just wish I didn't have those moments of not trusting new friends in my life.

Pocohantas once said a wise thing "Don't give him so much credit and power over you."

I loved when she reminded me "HE is not that smart or powerful to have yielded control of so many other people who are now in your life. Don't attribute that power to him"

Thank you Pocahontas.

Thank you Blackford for all the times you have said " You're veering a little to the left... get back on the highway" when I articulated the paranoid PTSD thoughts.

After hearing Westely go on and on about GERMS all the time, and hearing him freakily talk about how that was going to be the next warfare--- he had ultimate paranoia about antrax etc... well I guess that when under stress it is somewhat not a surprise that I find myself THINKING LIKE HIM AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF EXPOSURE TO HIS UNHEALTHY THOUGHT PROCESS.

Which is why on Fri night I DID invite ART Over after my irrational fears of him being an evil agent of Westely.

And that night, after I was setting the boundary of wanting a friendship only

Art proposed to me.

In a sort of desperation to attest that he doens't want our relationship to end. We did have a romantic relationship for a brief while. It was wonderful. But I am not interested in a commitment from him. I am not interested in setting us both up for failure. And even moreso, I have fallen in love with someone else.

I will eventually write of my wonderful marvelous lover.

Not yet... there is time, and there is no conflict to be worked out. I am writing to him and with him and for him and of him in other forums.

I didn't want to fall in love.

I wanted to wait a LONG LONG TIME before considering a serious relationship.

ANyway... today I have a sore throat, and I noted ART wouldn't eat the food he brought over. HE said he had an upset stomach, and he thought it was as he was emotionally upset by my "NO"

But he now thinks HE CAUGHT STREP from us all weeks ago. We now have ALL BEEN TREATED.

But I swear I think I caught it AGAIN from his cooking.

The PTSD panick set in for only a brief moment in fear that was possibly INTENTIONAL.

The clear pushing of boundaries from him to be in my life would make sense then.

But that could just be explained as he has issues with that....

But the desperate attempt to remain close to me, and the blurting out "Will you marry me?" which was almost sad in its desperation would ALSO make sense if he were not legitimately my friend.

But it can also be explained by him really being my good friend who fell in love with me. Love is not rational.

I clearly though have healing to go....

Thankfully the moment passed. I worked through what is irrational fear.

Although I thought I should write of it here... as I NEVER GET SICK.

This is SO ATYPICAL for me to get an illness.

So although I want it to be an irrational fear I worked through... truly knowing Westely, and knowing that the girls came down with the Scabies when with him ... and knowing that Katie came down with a rash and when I thought "What was she exposed to the other girls were not? " and the answer was "Westely"

and knowing that I immediately treated her for Scabies, headed it off, but that WESTELY INSISTED she had scabies and not poision ivy as she was diagnosed with by the Dr made me think

"WHy was he so insistent she had that?"

Unless he KNEW of some exposure... WHY would he be SO Insistant?

Knowing he keeps bringing me towels (And they go to the basement right in the wash before the house)

And knowing he kept asking me for months "Are you feeling well? I got a cold, did you get it?"

I got that weird question regarding my health over and over. He acted suprised when I didn't have the cold months ago, and when I didn't have some other illness the girls had.

KNowing my history with him, I think it also may be just wise prudence to worry.

I am therefore thinking I should just get the food tested that was brought to me.
SO WHAT if that is a crazy lack of trust. At least I will KNOW if we just got strep AGAIN.

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