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2007-07-18 - 8:27 a.m.

This is so bizarre

There was a lovely set of sheets that matched a comforter in my guest room. Not really the guest room for the summer as it is now Katerina and Raitlin's shared room.

However while Katerina was in Florida with Soren on vacation visiting my parents in Vero Beach and fun amusements great for PreTeens like Universal Studios, I did have a guest stay there one night.

And boy was he a lovely guest! (It is the only bedroom with a functional lock on the door right now to ensure privacy. It was a night after the kids ran ragged and were just exhausted, so a good one for a midnight visitor for a few hours!)

He left in the EARLY EARLY AM to go home, and I slept there the remainder of the night, which didn't seem unusual to the waking little ones in the morning since my bed was covered with the pile of laundry to fold. (Which we are doing again this AM in the morning ritual.)

So that AM I threw the sheets in the wash.

And that was the same day there was entry into the home by Westely and he took the Emerson books and towels that had been important to him. What perplexed me was that the sheets were gone too.

I was freaked thinking "Why would he have taken those sheets?"

The morning before yesterday Katie awoke having had a leak in her pullup. So I washed her sheets and made her bed up- with the same checked sheets I always use for her bed.
In doing this I organized linens and SEARCHED for those missing sheets. They were no where to be found. Then yesterday morn we again made beds and did laundry and they still hadn't shown up so I KNEW he had taken them.

So when this AM Katie awoke and had an accident she got in the bath. I went to strip her bed and lo and behold- there the sheets were. ON HER BED.

I didn't put them there. The girls didn't put them there. Westely once again is marking his territory.

HE clearly put them there and

a. Either Katie is going to come down with Westely induced scabies AGAIN and he will pretend my house is filthy and this will be evidence of just how SICK his mind is


b. He is marking his territory with repeated re-entry expecting me to notice (I wonder just how many "signs" he leaves that I miss HA HA!) Which is ALSO an intent to make me fearful of him with his constant omnipresence in my life. Which frankly I don't think would change one bit REGARDLESS of where I live. So what the hell he should be HAPPY I am here- where he can be a sick wacko obsessive person and not get thrown in jail for his stalking behavior since this is his house.

Damn he should be thankful.

I guess it never did occur to him that being here is in fact one of the kindest and most forgiving things I can do .

You see even I have those breaking points where I actually hit visceral fear in response to his sick behavior.

Even I occassionally call the police.

Perhaps he should be thankful that they at least don't take any call seriously about feeling threatened by his presence IN HIS HOUSE.

Perhaps he should realize that I have had a hope for his growth and for his becoming well enough to have a good relationship with his children . Perhaps one day he will thank me that despite what I see as serious mental illness in him I loved him enough to STILL believe in his power to overcome it. I still believe in the power of things like therapy, treatment, medical and psycological care, and most of all the power of God in our lives.

I still believe in the hand of God.

So I pray God does reach out to Westely.

He is clearly in great need.

And if Katie comes down with Scabies AGAIN we can all know that

1. The girls ALL came down with it on the first two occassions while at Westely's home on a home visit.

2. Katie DID come down with a rash when no one else did after he strangely for the first time ONLY was open to calling me on a Sun afternoon they were with me and asked "Can I take her shopping for a few hours" to which I said "sure" and dropped her off. Considering he would not even CONSIDER picking the girls up for a few hours on Father's Day when I offered, and he SAID NO to my request to see them just a bit on Mother's Day and his response was "I REFUSE TO DEVIATE FROM THE VISITATION SCHEDULE. IF YOU WANT TO PROPOSE A CHANGE PUT THE REQUEST IN WRITING TO MY LAWYER" I thought at the time that behavior of his to suddenly request the one on one trip with Kerry was a GOOD SIGN of GOOD HEALTH and perhaps of him getting over his paranoia and fear and mistrust of me. However in retrospect when he was INSISTANT Katie had scabies again a few days after that, and in fact she had a rash I treated with peremethin (or whatever that topical is) makes me think that behavior of the one odd visit suspect. I had the thought when trying to figure out what SHE WAS EXPOSED TO that the other girls WERE NOT. The answer was WESTELY. Katie's rash then evolved into the worst poision ivy EVER. I chalked it up to her being exposed when at the park and just more suseptible than the other girls. But nonetheless, he was so insistant it was scabies.

So if SCABIES shows up in Katie YET AGAIN, AFTER this changing of her sheets IN MY HOME BY WESTELY ENTERING MY HOME TO CHANGE THE SHEETS which had to have been done yesterday when I was at the airport picking up Katerina and Soren... well then I will be VERY SUSPICIOUS in thinking that this scabie outbreak is in a pattern.

I HOPE this is not the case.

What disturbs me MORE about this, and I don't FEEL at all PARANOID or NOT WELL- but feel quite SALIENT and COHERENT and am very matter of fact and not PANICKY about this, is the fact that yesterday when we were out my friend ART called and we met him for pizza as the kids and I were hungry after the airport pick up and it was late. To cook would have gotten them to bed even later, so ordering pizza and eating out was wise. We did so at Vocelli's so my friend Art joined us as he works nearby. It was lovely, however once again, when Westley enters the home and I know I am hanging out with my friend, it does make me wonder if he walked up to me that day simply as he found me attractive and it was "something about you" as he said, and "my smile"

The first time I ever had a thought that Art was not a genuine friend but someone here to further Westley's interest was when I was talking to him about how I have those moments of fear of trusting friends which really is likely just PTSD. I never have had those fears before. Art had said " you can trust me. You know I am a real friend"

And for some reason, it was the way he said that which made me then bristle. It was similar to the way he professed "I love you , would you marry me?"
that made me think there was some intense desperation -- like the kind when someone is fearful themself, in him. I guess I know no one who can instill that fear in me other than Westely. So it made me doubt his integrity and think he was desperate for involvment in my life as there was something big at stake. Perhaps it was just his heart... perhaps something else as valuable to him. If he is a person of true integrity, his heart would be enough to be something huge at stake... but after Westely I am SO doubtful of what primarily motivates men.

I wish it were always love.
I however know otherwise.

The fact I have a sort throat and have had diarehha and a headache and STREP symptoms after eating Art's food, and the very ususual fact that he made a plate for himself but would not eat it, in conjunction with the question he asked of "Who did you feed? Did you bring it to ...." wanting to know if I shared it with anyone... was a really odd question.

Fact is I thought about using the food he prepared for the birthday party for Katie on Sun to save time. Thankfully I did have frozen chicken breast and cooked them all and served them with salad instead.

But if I come down with some bizarre illness... test the food in my fridge. I think I should freeze it.

It is not a sign of ill health to fear poisioning after someone has threatened to kill you.

It is a sign of being careful and prudent.

It would truly be difficult to stop someone from doing that.

But at least if they did so, I can write all this so then the truth of this sick person's illness will finally be revealed and he can not harm others.

Now off to cook breakfast for the girls.

I need to go to the Dr. this AM to test for Strep again....


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