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2007-07-19 - 12:47 a.m.

I just did a search for PTSD which I honestly haven't read all that much about -since I am awake now with tension and feeling that hyperarousal and paranoia that I have hoped would go away. Its true I still feel it... today I thought about how Pocohantas must not really be my friend, and Art was not really my friend, but they are here in my life to harm me as agents of Westley.

I know cognitively that is not likely. I know it makes me sound crazy.

I know this is paranoia

So I stopped taking the adderall thinking it was perhaps a side effect. That doesn't make those thoughts of Westely trying to harm me go away. That doesn't make me trust my friends 24 seven. I still have those moments of thinking that Art must have been in cahoots and called Westely to let him know we were not home-- all because when I was out with the kids and Art there was re-entry into my home by Westley.

Overall I do VERY WELL at curbing these thoughts.

But tonight as I have had a hard time I looked up PTSD and found this great article. IT made me cry though.

I realize now what therapy my friend Rosita was doing with me when she did the eye movement stuff, and something called TAPS.

Once a month I stayed with her and she was essentially my personal therapist as I worked through the trama of the abuse of my oldest children and then their going to Bufffalo to not return to me.

God, today when Pocahantas said she would be back at 5:30pm with Katerina and Sadie , but was later, I was mentally preparing myself for her to come back without Sadie. I was mentally preparing myself for Sadie to have been picked up by Westely and taken off to Alaska or somewhere in Europe as he has threatened to do a few times in the past.

I HATE that I even have those thoughts.

What made me cry in the reading of the article though was of the re-living of the events that are stressors. What freaked me out was when I was emulating Wesleys obsessive compulsive tendency to have to clean the house to perfection before ever leaving. He was so extreme in that , and sabatoged any family plans, going to church on time together, or anything FUN... as he was always busy on the house and it was like he couldn't control his compulsion and couldn't stop being Mr. Fix it if he wanted to.

So today my compulsive cleaning of my house upset me. (NOt then... I was too anxious and focused on cleaning to be upset.) I am upset by this in retrospect.

Because Westley keeps telling me of how he is coming in and taking photos, I don't want to leave the house without it being spic and span. But that is crazy making thinking.

So I have to curb this freaky imitation of Westley! I didn't INTENTIONALLY want to act like an obsessive nut! But damn, I missed going to Art's for dinner the other night with the girls as I was panicky and compulsively cleaning. Today I missed running to pick up fresh produce from Interfaith relief, where the Master Gardeners are bringing the harvested food... and I am a volunteer in that effort who is also low income and eligable to now pick up the food for my family. Hey what goes around comes around.

But I didn't make it as I was busy obsessively cleaning.

So tonight we have a wonderfully clean house, but ate eggs and bacon cooked in corn tortillas with some feta. It was actually very good... but as that is literally the last of the food in the house I REALLY should have made it OUT the door today!

I am freaking out as I have so many papers to organize and just can't seem to get that done.

Off to bed.

I need healthy sleep.

I hope that helps.

Tommorrow is another day.

My friend Art came by and was working on a painting of the pond today. He said hi, and I told him feel free to paint here if he would like. It was nice to see him sitting comfortably on the bench working.

He really wants me to model for him.

HE wants me to lay on a blanket under the full moon so he can paint me

I will graciously allow him to do so, and will model with pride and honor that he wants to capture that image of me.

HE needs something for a show coming up with the theme "something hot" I was hoping to inspire him and be his muse. I didn't realize I would be so in that fashion!

So it will be good for me to do this work with him and work through my fears. We have a wonderful comfort level with each other. I joked I would be his manager when I met him as I love his work. I did link him with a place where he now has work hanging in a show.

I have to keep fostering my friendships and not let fear become my paramater.

I can not allow Westley's ill mind to have such an effect on me.

I hate that AFTER he was gone I THEN started to think like he did!

That is the worst part of all- managing these paranoid and obsessive moments that crop up in me that never happened AT ALL in my life before this year!

I need to get a good counselor!

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