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2007-08-11 - 9:18 a.m.

I just had a horrible realization while reading about bi-polar disorder.

Westly would like to present me as manic and has been actively making a case for this.

He has INTENTIONALLY entered the house over and over again (to the point at which I started ignoring it... but then had to pay attention to it when the older kids came here and they were freaked by it. I had to work them through the phase of fear to the one of learning it is INTENDED to create fear so they too could be unphased by this odd experience.)

The bizzare phone call from my sister in law a year ago was a tip off when she said strange things that were textbook symptoms.

But the realization I have now is that one of either two things is true:

WESTLEY was grandiose in his manic phases. Perhaps he LIED to me when he was boasting of his net worth.

That might be true because he would then VASCILLATE and suddenly was crying poor and that it was financial crisis and we lived in this massive house like those impovershed. HE would go so far as INSIST that EVERY can of food and last box of MAC and CHEESE was used before he would conset to shopping for food. HE acted like it was a waste of money to buy food if we had even a crumb left.

It was SO BIZARRE this vascillating between boasting of wealth and crying poor.

IN reading about Bi-Polar it seems so clear to me that he is manic.

But what is most disturbing is the possibility of the 2nd option: That in my attesting to things AS THEY REALLY WERE it is now possible for him to characterize ME as MANIC!

I wonder if he is hiding the real finanical picture so as to act like I WAS HAVING VISIONS OF GRANDIOSITY about our life.

I really did see the microsoft money spreadsheets and Quicken records when he boasted of his increase in salary and wealth. I saw it. I believe it WAS all truthful. I believe that he had been manic but has also been successfull... to a point. It was the down cycle that manifested in anger which lost WAVESHARE. It was the down cycle that manifested in lack of control and anger and abusive interaction with a vendor and peers that made him not get RE HIRED at AOL when he wanted to go back to work there.

He has been wildly successful, and also wildly challenged.

Yet it is very possible that because I have chronicled this IT CAN APPEAR THAT THESE EVENTS WERE NOT REAL BUT RATHER PERCEPTIONS OF A SICK MIND.

I realize that I am very vulnerable as he now is indeed making this case of me being a manic person.

I just hope that the professionals involved are REALLY good at seeing people. Because that very fact of him doing that indicates there is something severely wrong with him. That is psycotic behavior to try to destroy a person the way he has done. Much deeper than manic depression which is inwardly destructive, and unintentionally so.

Off to run errands this AM. I had a nice relaxing evening and now am going to well stock the fridge and pantrys. Its time to live life with abundance if we can! (Hopefully we can... I'll do my best!)
I hope to get a job and a place so we can never have to let the cupboard run down to empty again.

I don't think it makes me manic to believe that I am capable of providing for my family. Yes it will be HARD, and not the best thing for them , but I am SURE it will be achievable SOMEHOW

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