2007-08-18 - 5:26 p.m.
I came across this inspirational site. Its for a foundation called
the ROSE foundation
Regaining Our Self Esteem
It gave me courage that I am doing the right thing in continuing to share my struggles. I hope that somehow I inspire some woman somewhere to have the strength to face fear and end violence.
Only when we act without fear, and from strength and esteem and compassion for both the abused and abuser, and only when our families are not afraid to accept and face the reality with compassion and love for both the abused and abuser, will domestic violence ever improve. Until then it is an issue that is denied and there is division. When denial of reality and fear are the motivators of choices, people do strange things which only further harm.
I am searching for both a job and a place to live. I am confident I shall succeed in both.
However the reality is that if I do not do so soon enough I am vulnerable as I may then not be able to retain custody of my children.
Courts uphold nuptials.
Women need to hear that message.
But it really doesn't make a difference when you are the woman at the back of the hand that wants to compell you to sign.
The message women such as I need to hear is that SIGNING WILL NOT MAKE HIM SUDDENLY STOP BEING VIOLENT. I KNOW YOU THINK IT WILL AS YOU THINK HE MIGHT THEN BE ABLE TO TRUST AND NOT TORMENT YOU. HE CAN'T-- NOT UNTIL HE RECOGNIZES HIS GREAT FEAR OF ABANDONMENT AND ANGER THAT RESULTED FROM HIS CHILDHOOD ABUSE THAT HE CAN HARDLY EVEN STAND TO RECALL IS HEALED
You can love him, but you can't heal him. You can be a loving support, but don't stay when you are being destroyed.
YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS with HELP and GRACE and STRENGTH To FACE IT WITHOUT FEAR.
And what is the worst that can happen?
You may be homeless.
You Will be ill
Your children may LOOK alright to the rest of the world, but all of you WILL Be mentally ill. Guaranteed. One can not live under attack without it breaking them down. And it is also possible that his rage goes so far to kill you or the children whether intentional or unintentional.At minimum, your sprit will be deadened, no matter how much you fight that. The spirit of your children will be numbed, no matter how much you wish it were not so.
I used to believe that to stay was tenable. I used to believe I was journaling of the strength I had TO STAY and TO LOVE and of the amazing power of faith and GOD to heal and change lives.
I still believe it possible.
I still believe that with true learning of compassion and intensive psychotherapy some can overcome such childhood abuse at the hands of their beloved parents which they are playing out in their own lives. It is that playing out and working through those experiences which is ESSENTIAL for their healing. If only they could recognize that and then CHOOSE to do so in a HEALTHY WAY and not by emulation of the very damaging abusive behavior that broke their spirit.
However, no matter how much you love someone, you can't allow yourself to be destroyed while they heal.
Today I took a diagnostic check list on line for PTSD. It indicated I have a severe case of it.
I have known that for a long time. I have been doing my best to overcome this.
Yet I still feel strong overall, with a few weak moments laden with fear in between.
I hope that those will pass with time. I hope that my children also overcome the fall out. I am proud of the healing we have achieved and I am proud of how well I have done.
I now pray I find both a home and a job before my Oct 5th deadline of moving out of our family home, because you see, it is HIS HOUSE.
If that is not the most glaring example of just how hard it is for an abuser to change, I don't know what is. Only an exceptionally abusive person would feel OK throwing a mother out of the home BEFORE THE DIVORCE is even final, WITHOUT A PENNY OF SUPPORT other than child support which is not enough to make a sustainable life, when the mother has been the caretaker of four children of the marriage between ages 3 and 7.
However, with the grace of God I am sure I will find SOME way to offer a home for my children.
Its a fact that homeless shelters across the nation are approximately half filled with women and children. It is not a coincidence that many of them have fled domestic violence.
This is a national crisis as far as I am concerned: that the right to contract in this country is held paramount over basic dignity of life values we have protected under international law. In WAR it is a violation to attack civilian. In WAR it would be a violation to interfere with food and water supply as it would be tantamount to genocide which offends normal human sensibilities.
"That is my food, you are not allowed to eat it."
Behavior which would result in a war tribunal investigating if carried out by soldiers has been allowed to occur in my home against me.
I had thought that the point at which one lost individual freedom was the tipping point at which their freedom being exercized infringed on the rights of others in society. I thought the greater good was weighed with more value.
I still think this to be true. I still believe that in this country the point at which an individual's contract right is upheld when the outcome is such that a responsibility is shifted from that individual onto society to bear, would be the point at which that individual right should not be honored.
In becoming destitute, the burden of our care which had been held by my husband who willfully CHOSE it, is then discarded by him onto our local community.
I think that for EACH of the women and children who are in a shelter and on the welfare rolls of the state due to domestic violence, there SHOULD BE A CAUSE OF ACTION available BY THE STATE or COUNTY or COMMUNITY SUPPORTING THOSE FAMILIES AGAINST THE ABUSER WHO HAS RESCINDED HIS DUTY OF CARE TO HIS OWN.
I think that it is unconscionable that a nuptial or a prenuptial be honored WHEN VIOLENCE WAS USED TO COERCE ITS CREATION, OR WHEN VIOLENCE WAS THE CAUSE OF THE BREAKDOWN OF THE MARRIAGE/FAMILY
Our legislature needs to look at this issue. Why is such a horribly unjust outcome possible? Because HEARSAY is not admissible. The Federal Rules of Evidence disallow the real truth of stories to be heard in circuit courts. While domestic courts DO allow hearsay for THAT VERY REASON, forum shopping is successfully done to move domestic cases into the circuit and even General District Courts under guise of unlawful detainer actions
Because, maybe, just maybe your family might hear. Maybe your friends might hear. Maybe your communities will hear. Maybe they will all see the truth and not be afraid to face it and address it and profess THIS HAS TO STOP WE LOVE YOU HOW CAN WE HELP HOW CAN WE CHANGE BOTH OURSELVES AND THE FAMILIES AND COMMUNITIES WE LIVE IN