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2007-09-07 - 2:38 p.m.


I had commented to my psychiatrist in treating ADHD about two years ago now, at one of the first appointments I had with him "Isn't there a way a nurologist could be consulted and they could just take a picture of my brain and tell me what I need biologically? Then I could get the right medicine and not have to come back every month?"

He really looked at me like I was a bit crazy in the moment, as if I was off on some bizzare tangent.

I knew then I was not only salient, but smart.

I knew that had to be an OLD idea.

I knew the NEUROLOGISTS had to KNOW this could be done.

My biggest trouble is when I KNOW I have a good idea and someone is not receptive, I KEEP TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM .

So I went on, asking "Has there historically ever been a collaboration between nurologists and psyciatrists?"

I even asked , " Or is there a secret competition, such as there is in the world of academia between the social scientists and anthropologists and psychology in general over whether psychology is even science."

I knew then it was CLEAR what my problem was:

I don't shut up when I should.

I spoke too freely and it was a conversation ended.

But I couldn't help but think as I left, that the Profession of Psychology would be truly devalued if we could all get a brain scan, the right chemical to balance an organic imbalance AND
The jobs of counselors, psychologists, and ONGOING treatment from psychiatrists would all become rare: A formerly useful profession would become one less often needed.

That is what happens as knowledge becomes more readily available. (Like lawyers- No longer needed for many things, as we can all pick up Quicken Lawyer to write a lease, or a will. We use TURBO TAX and no longer hire accountants...etc... The only time we NEED to hire lawyers now is when people are not reasonable and act like children who are unwilling to give up or compromise and Act like THREE year olds, or because we CHOOSE to not have the stress of handling things ourselves. We hire accountants because WE CHOOSE to outsource some things)

So it was with delight that today I found this site:

COOL! I can get my brain scan done right here in Reston VA!

That is so exciting to me!

You see, in the past year I have been continuing to treat my ADHD (sort of. Lapses from when my hubby cut off my insurance at times. Lapses from when I have had occassions of paranoia or lack of sleep which might have been side effects)

The problem I have is that I wonder if the PTSD symptoms are just those, or if the adderall could be affecting the propensity for them to surface, or if they are side effects.

So I need to talk to my Dr and try to determine what is best. But when I was late this AM for an appointment it was CLEAR that I DEFINITELY HAVE ADHD and when the adderall Works-- it HELPS THAT.

A primary reason I think a brain scan NOW would be helpful is ALSO that it can help in distinguishing between ADHD and possibility of mania.

One of my friends who is a MSW LCPC said "There is nothing wrong with you but ADHD,and PTSD so go tell Westley to fuck himself."

The friend thinks it sounds like as the court appointed psychiatrist told me Westley had called him and he was meeting with him, that Westely ALSO called my Dr. and met with him as well and in Westley manipulative style fed him some crap about mania.

Its easy enough to FEIGN mental illness in perfectly healthy people. Think about this-- the number one way of identifying mental illness IS THROUGH the testimony of family and friends. Truly mentally ill NEVER SEE THEIR OWN ILLNESS! So that makes it easy enough for some to meet with professionals and tell the right story to make an otherwise HEALTHY PERSON (or a severe PTSD and ADHD person) Look like there is SOMETHING THERE when there isn't!

There are some behaviors of mine that I am sure some could think MANIC. But they are also easily explained by being a PTSD, ADHD abused spouse.

My favorite would be the story of me taking off to visit my brother John in Manhattan. It seems SO IMPULSIVE. But considering that I was really a few hours into that trip as I got lost and was heading in his direction, it seemed like a GREAT IDEA to me. I will point out that was LAST YEAR. I had not seen him since until a few weeks ago when I went to my mother's big Irish Family Reunion in Ohio and all my brothers came.

So I see John a few days a year- IF I MAKE EFFORT TO DRIVE and stay up and drive at night ONCE A YEAR.

It seems worth the effort and not crazy to do once a year!

On this trip to OHIO I made the judgment of extending the trip to drive across the state to see a cousin I was close to for a time when growing up. We had for a few years been pen pals.

It might seem crazy by some that I made that drive. To me it was not only sane, but worth it for a variety of reasons.

It was great to see her and understand her life a bit. I had only heard snippets over the years and it was terrific to meet her husband and her kids and see what a wonderful mother she is. It was terrific to see and talk of the beauty and challenges of our family life, or marriage and children.

It was also helpful for her to ask "did you get my message?" that she had just left on my cell phone (that I didn't get.)

That experience, along with the one now of trying to call the REston clinic and getting disconnected, then getting a faxm and basically having a hard time getting through, ALONG with hearing from the PRE K that Alexy goes to "We tried both numbers you left. We got a disconnection notice on one, and a fax on the other" are VERY ENCOURAGING TO ME.

You see, these experiences VALIDATE I am NOT IMAGINING that there is some oddity that I never get a call from one of the many landlords, Realtors, or jobs I leave messages for.

I e-mail a half dozen real estate agents but get not one response.

Some might think it was crazy to drive across the state of OHIO to see my cousin, but since she is an editor and has connections and I can't seem to get a call back from one job application resume, I thought it not only FUN but FUNCTIONAL. I thought perhaps she could give me a few contacts to try to send some articles out. (Even though of course freelance writing pays something equivalent to $3.00 and hour if you actually RESEARCH and are rusty like me!) She didn't however, and I can't blame her as she didn't read any of my published work, so why would she pass me a contact??? I might suck... and unless someone is REALLY established they don't realize that when they pass others on to have an opportunity the quality of the work performance of the other is not a reflection of them self. I believe my cousin HAS ARRIVED. She ALREADY IS SUCCESSFUL, but she like so many , is still a little insecure and doesn't REALLY feel so confident in her success.

Maybe that is an unfair assessment, but I think that those who are both successfully AND MATURE MOST FULLY are less worried about helping those who ask. I think that confidence comes over time. I also think that when women are in the stay at home mom while part time working from home, or at an office only part time, it makes it HARDER to feel so confident about professional success as there is less opportunity for feedback and external validation.

My cousin is an incredible woman though. I am impressed by her priorities and what I see as balance in her life. I am impressed by how she has been able to be successful WHILE putting her family first.

I admire her, and hit the library to get her books that can offer guidance for me. She is the editor of a guide to literary agents and places to be published which is one of the best out there. (I laughed as I get the postcards advertising that all the time... I put those books on my Amazon wish list, and know thats a great tool-- but I have never cracked one of those books! Somehow I hoped to avoid having to do that research and could circumvent the time on that project and walk off with a few contact- because I have neither the money nor time to devote to that now.)

So was it manic to drive to see her??? Certainly not! It was easier to drive with all the girls FOR HOURS and to sing songs, play car games, read books, etc... than it would be to hit the library and do my own thing there for even one hour. Its not even thinkable that I could have an hour of time to do my own stuff with them in tow.

The drive was worth it only to see my cousin. But had it resulted in a paid writing job SOMEWHERE it would have been an absolute SHAME had I NOT made the effort to secure such an opportunity!

Manic??? Not at all.

Desperate??? Yes, more than a bit.

After being cut off from my family for so long I was DESPERATE to connect.

After being out of work, being told I will get no support, and being told that I have to move by OCT 5, but having no viable place to go YET-- I was DESPERATE TO NOT PASS UP ANY POTENTIAL FOR VIABLE EMPLOYMENT. I have been applying for even things like TARGET, and long shots... I will put an application in for a horticulture job using my Master Gardener educational training if something else does not come through.

Something will come up... I hope soon enough!

And as for that theory of mania- HA HA... its so nonsensical.

I can't wait to have my brain scan!

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