2007-11-06 - 6:13 a.m.

I just read the psycological eval I went through.

I think that the Dr. I saw for court purposes is actually one of the best I have encountered.

I had that view before reading his assessment, so was interested in what he had to say.

IT was as expected with one surprise.

My IQ test was significantly lower than I used to test!

This article is of interest to me:

http://dnl.ucsf.edu/users/dweber/dweber_docs/ptsd_neuropsyc.html

What I really would love to know is how to nurture one's brain back to the functioning it USED to have capability of?

But isn't that what we all wish as we age?

Isn't that process of deterioration one we all have to accept and deal with regardless of its cause (Which for many might just be the aging process! Part of life...)

I also looked at the ADHD diagnostic tool of the TOVA and my results. That in conjunction with the IQ test shows major impairment in the areas most affected by PTSD. So that is consistent as well.

ONe thing that I do think the tester got wrong was a comment that I have trouble forgiving and blame others for my issues.

I think he couldn't have been more mistaken regarding that. But that of course is because after having been separated for over a year, and him ASKING about my past-- it makes sense that he would say I DWELL On the past transgressions.

I found it a funny comment as he said something to me about how he didn't see me BLAMING others (in his assessment) and that was incongruent with PTSD. My answer in the interview was "I believe too much in self responsibility and forgiveness for that."

And I do.

Its funny my writing was referred to as focusing on frustration, when I think my writing has been very focused on improving my self, increasing self awareness and mainly about the process of coming to terms with ADHD and seeking treatment, and the goal of self improvement.

OH one OOPS A comment "a preoccupation with sexual matters" ! SO I guess using humor to find the sexual imagry in each ink blot test is not a recommended technique to get through it.... I found it funny that showed up however. The part I found most funny about the assessment was how that so called "trait" could make others uncomfortable. I know women like that! I am certainly NOT one of them, and found it rather amusing.

The comments "There was often an intentional effort to look good and a meticulous refusal to admit any faults or improprieties that perhaps could be used against her" totally made me crack up as I think EVERY evaluator must have been trained in that phrase which showed up in both my EXs and mine and any evaluation of anyone I have ever seen SOON AFTER The evaluator writes of the personal weaknesses the individual has attested to!

I remember being a bit annoyed at that phrase and NO MENTION of ADHD AT ALL In the evaluation by the NY evaluator who acted like I though myself perfect. I found that irritating then-- THis time I find it funny after pages of my self professed weaknesses.

I think it encouraging at some level as I REALLY THough it might be a bit passive aggressive on my part that I WANT TO BE SEEN AT MY WORST and FAIRLY JUDGED.

My attitude all along has been COME SEE MY HOUSE WHEN IT IS AS MESSY AS IT EVER GETS
And SEE ME AT MY WORST IMPULSIVENESS BECAUSE THIS IS THE WORST IT WILL EVER BE!

And then JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY
NOt based on some exaggerated fears.

Because I know that even at my worst, I am damn good mother.

The report validated that as well which was nice. It validated that although significant, my ADHD does not impair my ability to meet my children's needs!

Like I said. He's a good doctor.

Which is why I look forward to bringing my girls and myself to him for the counseling we all would benefit from.

Similar to Preschool being priority, I don't CARE if I can afford it in the moment. I will figure it out. Having good treatment for myself and the girls is the major priority.

Oh yeah, that was one other thing he validated: I need to continue to treat ADHD

DUH Again nothing new there!

My only objection was that the reality is I have CONSISTENTLY treated it for two full years. Not inconsistent, not in and out... not with refusal to take medication. He used that phrase... but that's a simple misunderstanding of why I made a CHOICE in September to not take my medication TEMPORARILY.

I will perhaps write about that more. ITs not a refusal, but rather a time of transition both in new home and preparation to not have health insurance.

I was having some paranoia from the adderall which was making the PTSD worse! When I have a PTSD MOment I can ignore it when not medicated with adderall, but on the adderall while EVERYTHING ELSE WAS EASIER and ADHD improved... those fear driven PTSD Moments WERE HARDER TO IGNORE AND RECOGNIZE AS SUCH!

SO I thought it best to take a "BReak" from the adderrall and basically what psyciatrists do is treat a cronic condition with medication. Great-- it helps me. While I am OPEN To that... I have had GREAT BENEFIT From ADDERALL SO thought if I make it through the move and divorce maybe the PTSD will diminish and then i can try that medication again, or be open to a different one when working with my doctor AND A THERAPIST.

I don't want to go the route of medication without the therapy in conjunction.

I feel strongly about that. And dropped the ball on getting a counselor (I KNOW!) SO now I figure if I get the counselor FIRST It will help me to "getitdun" as George says.

ITs my own attempt at forcing myself to do something FOR ME I have been putting off. Some may not understand that, but in this odd way it is my own attempt at being self disciplined since I SUCK AT following up at making appointments FOR ME and since I KNOW THat the medication DOES help me.

(I can tell that by the state of my house when medicated as opposed to when not!)

OFF to get ready for the day.

GOing to a parent teacher conference for Raitlin this AM. I am SO PROUD OF KATie who is doing wonderfully at school! HER teacher said her thinking is far above the rest of her classmates. She is really intelligent and her teacher is enjoying having her in her class. ( A PRimary reason I wouldn't move the kids EVEN THOUGH IF I MOVED THEM THEY'D BE ON TIME! IF walking to school like Sadie, they WOULD ALL BE ON TIME!)

BUT the value of a teacher who BELIEVES IN YOU ANd who makes YOUR EYES SPARKLE Like KAtie's do when her teacher talks to her is unmeasurable.

I think that is worth putting up with behaviors, and ADHD in both kids and ME that result in being late as a trade off of great value.

THERE IS ONLY ONE VERY SPECIAL TEACHER LIKE THIS ONE IN THE WORLD

ANd I know when KATie is older, she will not likely recall being late for first grade. THERE IS NO QUESTION SHE WILL REMEMBER AND BE FORMED BY THE LOVE AND DEDICATION OF THIS VERY SPECIAL TEACHER WHO REALLY VALUES HER.

�

�