2008-01-16 - 1:41 a.m.
I tried to go to sleep. I was on the brink of it in that dream like state but a song came into my head that I had to get down.I sang it out so I didn't lose it and am now writing.
In a departure from my norm of not re-reading my journal entries after their function of BLAH... letting it all out is over, for some reason tonight I actually read the last entry. Therefore I must add in marvelous irony just how funny I thought it was when lo and behold, the other day I noticed I was missing an earring. This strikes me as I wrote how I am just not a big accessory person in my last entry.
Now that wouldn't seem to be such a big deal, to be missing an earring. It happens all the time. But just imagine for a moment if there were say- eight artists who were in the middle of a painting of that particular earring, and some might be the stereotypical quirky , ornery, hard to please artist types... (HA HA... just joking... artists are never DIFFICULT PEOPLE, ARE THEY?)
At least I have the other earring.
I just found it ironic, as of course they were the dangling pair that I wore for the portrait class. The class for which I sit for again in the same outfit so the students can finish their started works of art with a live model.
I thankfully found the missing earring in the back seat of my car. No fun story as to how it got lost there unfortunately (unlike most lost earring in car stories ). It must have just fallen out while I was buckling a little one into a car seat.
ALSO they are in fact my FAVORITE pair of earrings (that is out of the ones I still possess.) I already lost my all time favorite pair which were a beautiful tree of life. I think I left those in the old house, or if I am lucky they will turn up here in some small stashed, yet unopened overlooked box tucked away somewhere to be delightfully discovered some day.
I have a few close seconds, but these are worn more often as they are red and match my clothes more often. They were also a gift from someone who was once dear to me, but who told a very touching (but untrue) story in court of how my pitiful, sad, hungry children went to friends homes for dinner as they ostensibly told her "We have no food at home."
IT was one of the few moment of the trial that I unplugged my ears because I anticipated something wonderful coming from her. I hadn't anticipated what I heard- so I just chalked it up to human nature, and her having heard that story somewhere and transferring it.... OH YEAH... MAYBE SHE HEARD IT FROM ONE OF HER FAMILY... IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR- LIKE SOMETHING I HEARD DID HAPPEN OVER THIRTY YEARS AGO
But not to my kids. But she likely made an honest mistake. Life is easier for some people to handle happily when they make such honest mistakes. I can't fault her for it.
I'm not too proud. Not to proud to either fault her, or to let my kids be hungry. For even the poor will never be hungry in this abundant country of ours. n fact I don't think there are REALLY any poor her at all! Its just not hard to find shelter, food and clothing. The question is whether one can find it WHERE THEY WOULD LIKE and IN THE MANNER THEY WOULD LIKE. But as to whether one can find the necessities- I think it not at all out of reach of most Americans. If anyone has hungry kids, its because they are either too proud to accept help, or truly poor in spirit and unable to reach out for help. But I think there are so many good souls reaching out TO OTHERS that I just can't see them being overlooked for long. I just believe that when you meet those some think of as poor and realize they are often HAPPY that one might realize that notion is really such a relative one. You are only POOR if you are being compared to others. Some of the most unhappy people I know are those who are never satisfied and never give up that relentless comparing of their self to others in the keep up with the Jones fashion. They seem much poorer in spirit than those I know with far less STUFF.
I stock up at the Food bank-- and boy we have more quirky fun odd ethnic specialtys on our menu than most food bank patrons because I am a damn good cook and know what to do with them.
I am going to take a quick break and do an inventory of this weeks unique quirky finds that are in my fridge:
FAGE Total- Greek strained yogurt BOY IS THIS WONDERFUL! I couldn't IMAGINE that there could be a vast difference in yogurts-- but indeed there is! And I never would have know but for the wonder of the food bank!
Taj, Ethnic Gourmet Delhi Korma Simmer Sauce, the jar of which boasts "makes delicious dishes with chicken, tofu, fish and vegetables" What it doesn't say is that if you add a few tablespoons to your homemade chicken soup when having company over and feeding YOUR NEIGHBOR (HA HA- I was actually) , YOU will be seen as the most incredible cook to be able to whip up such an intricate, savory Chicken Curry soup. Served with a day outdated "OOPS WE OVERBAKED" pumpkin pie as desert is highly recommended.(If you really must GO AHEAD AND PAY FULL PRICE, OR EVEN HALF PRICE NEAR MIDDAY AT THE STORE, OR LIKE ME GET THE SIMILAR PIE THAT GOT DELIVERED BEFORE NOON AT THE FOOD BANK FOR FREE-
OK so my kids and neighbor didn't get whipped cream on the pie that day... so maybe they are deprived. Maybe that is also the difference between capitalism and socialism. In a socialist state no one has the whipped cream- cause no one competed to make their pie the best, and therefore no one had the incentive to figure out that is THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE THE BEST PUMPKIN PIE. But does that make all the poor inhabitants that never had cream so deprived?
BACK TO THE CONTENTS OF MY FRIDGE:
EXOTIC BLEND Crimini , Shitake, Oyster Mushrooms. For this find alone, I am so glad I decided to do the fridge inventory. I FORGOT about those! And we just finished off the last of the MOOSE roast which they would have paired with so lovely! So I have pulled out a venison roast to thaw to pair them with.
OHH wait... he is a gatherer too... How can I forget one of the most incredible meals I ever had was when he prepared New Zealand Moose with Morill mushrooms he gathered in the forest. Ahh... life doesn't get any better than that "I want to stay on this Mountain forever... forever..." (Ok imagine the old Burl Ives version of HEIDI)
I feel like I fell in love with my boyfriend when I saw his freezer full of meat... I joke about it .... how I don't want to be saved, and yet how excited I got at opening that freezer. The internal biochemical messages of generations must have kicked in and spoke: GOOD PROVIDER YOU WILL NOT STARVE
yet my brain translated that into something more like
"WOW WHAT A SEXY HUNTER HE IS!! "
or something similar... which isn't really all that far off from what the visceral instinctive FEELING likely was all about anyway...
HILARIOUS TO ME at some level.
But in a very real sense my fridge holds my heart, and our heart at some level at this time. In a tangible manner yet also hard to put into definitive words there sits in that fridge an expression of love for me and my children which has been there always.
Whether it was stocked by Blackford who used to show up and just "happen to pick up a few things" and then unloaded a few hundred dollars worth of things.... can someone just not fall in love because the man is bringing fruit loops? IS that all that was wrong there? ... I shouldn't be so flippant-- but really, is it quality over quantity? Did the POTENTIAL offering of MOOSE capture my heart because of its higher iron content- long term sustainability when I knew sugar would just give the quick fix and then fizzle? OR could it be that when Blackford so sweetly brought me chocolate he brought enough for an army? The excess of it after having to account for .25 and it being called embezzlement when I finally figured out I bought a clearance chocolate bar that accounted for that "missing" quarter WHEN HAVING LIGHTHEADED SYMPTOMS OF LOW BLOOD SUGAR AFTER SHOPPING- should have made me just LOVE Blackford in contrast..... His offering of chocolate without end should have made me feel SECURE and heal that wound... ANyway... I just can't figure out why I DIDN'T fall in love with him, But so be it....ONe of Life's mysteries on which I digress as usual...I am still thankful for the friendship he brought to my life. (And the awesome playmates for my girls! Can't beat the occasional getting together with his wonderful children and sweet nanny. I have nanny envy when it comes to Blackford. He and his EX SHARE A NANNY! Isn't that marvelous! To be able to get along THAT WELL for the sake of the childrne! She lives at his home, but on the week his kids are with their mother, she goes over there ever day to care for them.(SO COOL!! SO MUCH MORE MATURE THAN HAVING TO CALL YOUR EX'S LAWYER TO COVER YOUR BUTT BEFORE EVER CALLING A SITTER... OH but I digress yet again and will get back to this point later)
Whether the fridge was filled with groceries from the lovely, LOVELY, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND who I am so sad I lost the phone number of! She who came by one day with bags in thanks for help I gave her with an application to USCIS this past Fall. It was so wonderful to be able to do a personal favor for a marvelous friend by just double checking her application before she mailed it out to ensure it was complete. She thanked me with bountiful, wonderful groceries a few days later. (I had her phone number on my 2007 calender which I forgot to transcribe when I was SO EAGER TO THROW OUT that year's calender EVEN BEFORE IT WAS OVER) OOPS She, like many of my friends knew she could just stop on by at anytime. We loved when she did. Alas I think I never had a phone conversation with her-- EVER. Typical of me actually. I am just not a phone person and really never have been. I have friends who know to swing by when in the area - WHENEVER, and fortunately friends who understand and accept that. Unfortunately SHE DID CALL ME TWICE RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND I ERASED THE MESSAGES THINKING I HAD HER NUMBER!
Whether my fridge held the many bags of bread my friend has brought me that have prompted me to joke to her "man cannot live on bread alone- but this woman can!"- FOR I swear that is what this friend seems to eat most often. That and tea and honey..
Whether the fridge was stocked with good friend Buffy's company's party leftovers as it was on a few occasions over the past year. (WOW THAT WAS SOME SPAGHETTI SAUCE HER BOSS MADE It was enough for an army meal- or my large family for a week)
Whether the fridge was stocked with gifts of fresh oranges from Florida, frozen steaks from OMAHA, or other wonderful family food offerings of holiday gifts.
I know it has been consistently chock full of love, and will consistently remain so such that the need for sustenance of my children- both physical and spiritual is never lacking.
They made us feel like we brought something special into their lives-- and indeed we had. We brought ourselves. And that was ENOUGH
Regardless of how and why we walked through that threshold, and regardless of what the circumstances were-- we were welcomed and made to feel at home. I learned then to graciously accept that gift from them, and that the real gifts are those given without expectation of anything in return AND ALSO those that are RECEIVED without the expectation of ever being able to grant such in return.
And some people have an amazing ability to love even strangers.
And for almost a month, that fridge which was ours was one week filled by my then brother in law (regardless of the situation) and other weeks filled by the kindness of a once total stranger who took us in when LAWS turned us away.
So my sleep was interrupted as I dwelled on that issue thinking that it is far too much of a degree of control exerted on my life and my mental state to expect me to interact so regularly with the man the judge ordered he wished me to "minimize contact with" and therefore has a strict week to week transition without the typical mid week visits etc.... JUST SO THE KIDS AND I, AND WESTLEY TOO ARE NOT EXPOSED TO THE STRESSORS OF THOSE Transitions which have been opportunitys for me to be put down in their presence. I don't need to increase the moments of them getting negative messages about me, and negative messages of how a man should interact with a woman.
I personally think the economic attack of someone is most effectively done by using the court as a tool. If you want to destroy someone, and can't get to their heart, can't burst their happy spirit-- well a sick person does what they think is the next most hurtful thing (which only shows how screwed up they are, as for me its on a lower rung on my value chain)- he/she goes for what they THINK is the junguler- the wallet.
Amazingly I know that finances will never be a problem for me. Really - some won't believe this, but somehow every month I will continue to have enough to pay my rent and utilities and manage all the other bills gracefully while maintaing my good credit rating.
At some level it keeps us all under a microscope to a degree-- and that gives me a greater sense of security for my kids sake when they are with their Dad, as there is a checks and balances system in effect. As long as still in court, he was being EVALUATED and he certainly wasn't going to cross the line of abuse.
I am also convinced he is of the personality type that does BEST when under scrutiny as he is a competetive person and sees that as competition and he then THRIVES.
I think at some level he NEEDS such a challenge, so he LOOKS for it and CREATES IT. (An example being the unlawful detainer action when he knew darn well I was leaving on Oct 5th. To continue with a case in General District Court AFTER THAT DATE is just so odd.Indicative of vindictively wanting to try to harm me in some manner, or indicative of how hurt and paranoid he is in some manner-- I can't really know which. ) But if it is indicative of him thinking that it will cost me money, well then he will be LOOKING for any loophole in the final divorce that was granted , with which he can jump back into litigation.
I would rather not use litigation as my safety net to give me peace of mind regarding the girls when with their father. I needed to come to peace with them spending time with him LONG AGO.
And I have.
I figure, people all can learn and grow. Some do the right thing out of intuitive knowledge, Others out of intentionality of actions and choices, some from having had outstanding teachers and trainers, some self taught, Some out of good motivations, and some out of simple good habits. Some even learn to do the right thing for the wrong reason. Some have poor motivation- but still miraculously end up doing the right thing. For you see, when one starts doing something in a manner over and over again, it DOES start to become routine and IT DOES eventually become habit, and they DO reach a point where they don't have to think about it. This is true OF ALL THINGS. Suzuki writes of it in his methodology-- which at the heart of is LOVE.
IF Love is the ultimate force, it will be the ultimate motivator. Even one who resists will end up at the right place if they are brought down the path through a non traditional method of learning the right ACTIONS FIRST and then LATER they have a change of heart. We can never know another's heart. But I do know that people can change from outside in, or they can change from inside out.
So EVEN IF at the worst case scenario, my EX husband seeks a loophole to try to keep me in litigation, I needn't worry as it is also reinforcing the GOOD HABIT of OUTSTANDING PARENTING which he has been practicing throughout the litigation. Who cares what his motivation is? If there is a positive change in his behavior as a parent to his girls- I welcome it. Who cares what the cost is? IF I need to absorb any amount in debt of litigation SO WHAT ? (I know the Fair Debt Collection Practices ACt and it really is simple. Send even a PENNY a month and its pretty darn hard for someone to sue you or even make you feel badly for being in debt. NOT THAT I RECOMMEND SENDING ONLY A PENNY A MONTH... the interest they will earn on you will surely be USARY...and that would be just fiscally DUMB... but its DUMBER TO SEND NOTHING. EVEN A PENNY SENT TO EACH PLACE YOU OWE IS SMARTER THAN SENDING NOTHING. YOU can live COMPLETELY WITHOUT FINANCIAL STRESS AS LONG AS YOU ARE PAYING EACH BILL SOMETHING MONTHLY... remember debtor's prison is a thing of DICKENS and doesn't exist anymore.)
So I really shouldn't lose sleep over the enigma of the intent of a judge who wants to "minimize contact between parties" and what I believe is a right of first refusal of either parent regarding child care. However I wonder just what could be ALLEGED. (After having heard things not true and learning to plug my ears, I anticipate the creation of a mirage of life might still continue)
I SHOULD SLEEP but as Westley did not respond to the request he watch the girls TOMORROW (Even though I am SO PLEASED THAT HE GRACIOUSLY OFFERED TO WATCH THEM ON THURSDAY) I just worry about sabatogue. I am so used to it. You see he worded the offer on Thu as "Eight AM AT THE EARLIEST" so its a bit amorphous. That in my mind means he might be available at 8, maybe 8:30, maybe 9am , perhaps 10AM WE CAN WAIT AND SEE.
But he said NOTHING regarding the request for tomorrow.
So it made me wonder if that right of first refusal is even language in the divorce papers?? I really have to look it up... but its cold outside and I think it might be in the car with some mail- if not its here somewhere. I wasn't eagerly waiting to read it when I got mail from my attorney. I just preferred to write and come up with a solution that works IF THAT LANGUAGE IS THERE than go out in the cold.
I don't even have to be bothered reading it then just yet. I mean common sense should dictate what it says. When I read the proposed draft it seemed fine to me, with the exception of the child support amount and medical insurance not being provided for me which are things I would never WILLFULLY have agreed to in a settlement.
So I came up with the perfect solution of how to handle the right of first refusal issue. To ensure there are no games being played- I just need to stop by his ATTORNEY'S office before ever sending the kids to child care elsewhere. His attorney can think of it as his right of 2nd refusal... I'll see if he wants to babysit for me. I figure if he came up with such a brilliant provision, maybe he doesn't mind its enforcement. For its main purpose is to be a pain in the ass. SO BE IT. He wrote a damn good contract- that attorney. I will be sure to stop by his office to ENSURE that there is unequivocally communication to both Victor AND HIS ATTORNEY of any opportunity to watch the kids BEFORE I place them in the care of another. If his attorney is his agent, That should be sufficient, and that will resolve the issue of having to have communication with Westley. I write this mostly with humor and in jest... but I do think it would be darn funny at some level to actually DO SO. I am not REALLY going to contact his attorney EVERY TIME I ask Westley to watch kids and he doesn't respond BEFORE I find someone else to. (Its a ludicrous notion-- which sometimes the extension of a ludicrous provision in a contracts can lead one to)
Still, that is the simple thought I wanted to write-- and see all else that flowed once I started... amazing. That and I wanted to go online to search for the meaning of the word SONY. I ASSUMED it was a Japanese word and had some particular meaning. I was envisioning some wonderful , noble, descriptive, personality enhancing meaning like when you look up the meaning of a name, and find out for instance that Wesley means Warrior. (I made that up. I think his real name might mean that)
SONY like the big Japanese company. Raitlin's sister.
Now I think time is relative. So the age of SONY intrigued me not as much as the dream of a sister named SONY . I wanted to know what SONY meant. So I got up out of my dreamy slumber to come research that and write of my silly daydream of bringing kids to the lawyers for babysitting (as he executed the right of 2nd refusal in the dream... in the dream the attorney is OVERJOYED to watch my kids! Its easier than having to deal with Westley ever again. EVEN HE hopes Westley never can actualize any of those marvelous loopholes he just HAD TO IN GOOD CONSCIENCE WRITE IN THE CONTRACT, and alas babysitting is not the same SERVICE so there is NO CONFLICT OF INTEREST... similar to how securing VISAS ( or PRETENDING TO) For your brother's construction business by just happening to hire the wife of a wealthy client who will not sign a nuptial until employed is ALSO NOT A CONFLICT OF INTEREST.)
That dream gave me a hearty laugh I just wanted to share with others... I just hope there is some comic relief in this for someone other than me. IF not at least my writing leaves me in stitches and therapeutic laughter every time (Which is precisely why I do this as needed.)
Anyway, I looked up SONY and discovered this in Wickapedia
The name "Sony" was chosen for the brand as a mix of the Latin word sony or son(us) and also a little boy sonny, which is the root of sonic and sound as well as familiar word of everybody called a boy in February 1955, and company name changed to SONY in January 1958. Morita pushed for a word that does not exist in any language so that they could claim the word "Sony" as their own (which paid off when they successfully sued a candy producer using the name, who claimed that "Sony" was an existing word in some language).[12
Claiming SONY as their own... Well Raitlin has named her sister, or perhaps it is her brother (but the implication of SONNY suggests that, not her. -- or maybe really a reflection of a step mother, Does her Dad have a new love? Workaholics often are married to their companies... Is his great love now found- SONY? In any case she has named her dreamed of SONY. The rest of this is all yet a mystery, yet one which I find wondrous and beautiful and am happy to know what SONY means. I personally think Raitlin is beautifully intuitive and think I SHOULD pay attention to her dreams.
I love that it is the root of SONIC and SOUND and was used by a candy producer! It at first seemed a strange name for a person, but now I think it a wonderful one. I couldn't remember the name she had told me as it was some time ago she shared this dream. I recalled it was UNIQUE for a name. What I love most about learning its meaning is just that- They were looking for a word that was not in any language so that they could claim it as their own.
SONY deserves to become a word associated with something other than a technology company.... If I could get it into colloquial usage I would do so!
SONY, verb, etiology Japan, America The act of naming,claiming one as your own.
OK, maybe that came out of having the thought of playing that wonderfully fun dictionary game my family loves to play together. Its a simple game where one person finds a word and writes down its REAL dictionary definition, while everyone else makes up a FAKE definition. They are then all read and each participant (other than the word picker!) votes on which they think is the REAL one. Points are won every time someone votes for your invented meanings, and points are won if you vote for the real definition. Points are ALSO won if you pick a great word and no one voted for the real definition. Its tremendously fun and FUNNY.
And on that soothing note, I am going back to bed after having written a song about the dream girl SONY and this rambling reflection.