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2009-07-20 - 6:04 a.m.

Yesterday's horoscope reading:

It's all good -- from your point of view, at least. Luck will be on your side, as your uncanny sense of timing will demonstrate. In truth, though, luck has nothing to do with it. It's your willingness to let go of the steering wheel and let the universe drive.


That sums up my philosophy of life, that there are connections and opportunities presented all the time, but not eveyone is open to following the path they are supposed to be on. When we believe in higher power and are willing to submit to it at some level, amazing things happen.

I awoke too early and am going back to bed, but first need to write about just a few of the things that occured this weekend:

Soren and I had a wonderful Saturday together while all his siblings were elsewhere. The little ones with Dad, and Katerina off for the weekend on an advenutre with Pocahontas and her lovely daughter. I drove Soren to a lovely little sleepy Soutwestern VA. My beau and I enjoyed a weekend there for the two year anniversary of our dating in June. On that weekend we had strolled into a pharmacy which also happened to be a quirky specialty shop. The most amazing thing is that there in that tiny spot seemingly in the middle of nowhere, were over twenty books lining the shelves for sale from the owner of that store who is one of the most prolific writers in his quirky area of expertise.

It also happens to be an area which I researched for the sheer challenge of learning and trying to write about something I didn't know at all: FLY FISHING.

The amazing thing is that I wrote a story that I hopefully sent off to Fly Rod and Reel back in 2004 when in Pittsford, NY.

The main character was a man from Montana with commitment phobia who ends up settling at the foothills of the Blue Ridge and learns to love the waters and beauty of the Shenandoah despite his yearnings for the West.

The thing is, when I wrote that piece I hadn't stepped foot west of Round Hill in Loudoun, but would hear about "Over the Mountain" from the locals from there that would drive into the town of Purcellville to get ice cream or go to Dr. Belote's office. (For a long time he was the only doctor in this area serving those 30 miles in far North Western VA.)

I sat in a borrowed truck with a story that was left there for me to read in June 2007 called "Cabin Click" about a man who had returned from Montana where he almost bought a log cabin to restore but left it behind realizing it was time to let go of the past and start living in his present and enjoying the beauty his life offered right here. He still struggles with that "letting go" , I think moreso than ever at times.

He just let go of a log cabin he could have bought here that I think he didn't due to fear. But that is his story to tell, not mine. That's his walk...

My story is that after two years my mountain man went through the annual pull of the Western mountains, and his past, and visited New Mexico, and Colorado, and along with his natural yearning for freedom, when he came back from his travels alone I wondered if our relationship was ending as he does just shut me out of his world that he loves so.

I often sing that line from Regina Spektotr "Welcome to my world I want to know, know , know you..."

I let him know I would like him to be fully open to sharing experiences with me in MY world, and that I enjoy when he lets me in HIS world, but that after some time it is natural I would like us to consiously craft OUR WORLD together.

So two things happened on Sat. I brought the story I wrote years ago, in which it is hard to explain that the developed character is SO LIKE HIM other than there is intuitive knowledge meant for us to discover if we are open to it. Some might think it crazy, but I think time is clearly not linear: not when one could have so captured a person with such specificity BEFORE having met them.

I had been dating this man for a few weeks before I read HIS STORY that he wrote to share with me, as he finds it easier to open up in writing. There is more of the story which is powerfully similar to his life (yet even more personal.)

I brought the story over to my boyfriends' mountain home thinking that I might just leave it for him, pack up my stuff and let him manage his fears the way he has always done before: alone and running away.

Thinking I have no choice... as that is his judgement call, and he might let reason overcome instinct. I was thinking that is out of my hands.

That thanfully did not happen and I feel like our relationship has grown from our subsequent dicusssion and reconnection which we really needed.

Regarding that story,I always thought that piece just needed a good editor, and there is a good story in there somewhere. So after visiting with my boyfriend on Sat, Soren and I went on our excursion.

I told Soren I was going to share MY WORLD with my Boyfriend with him and show him the beauty of the sleepy town we have enjoyed time in. I thought he would enjoy it. We planned on picking up some basic fly fishing gear and trying our hand, my son and I, fishing in the clear creeks for trout.

I have this quirky way of looking at the world through a lense of literature. I read about a place like Rehoboth Beach and later delight in the experience of being there.

I enjoy the RESEARCH and reading about things I never knew, and then the challenge of trying the experience; Like making Pysansky.

So Soren and I were reading and watching YOU TUBE vidoes about basic fly fishing, ready to set off on our adventure.

He did comment however as we were doing so: "I want to go GO CARTING." After discussion Soren did say he thought it would be fun to try fly fishing, so we tabled that idea for the time being.

It was kind of sad to see Soren's biggest worry was that we couldn't afford to go fishing. He looked at basic equpiptment and discovered it seemed expensive at even Target. I said "Don't worry about that, if I can afford it we will do it." I also said "If we are meant to do it we shall be able to afford it somehow or other."

However I thought his worry might indicate it wise to double check my bank account just before leaving, JUST TO MAKE SURE the $150 mad money that should be there was available. (My boyfriend had told me he would hold off until my payday Friday in cashing my car loan re-payment check to him so I would have a bit extra cash flow.) I then discoved a monthly automatic draft I had TOTALLY forgotten about and hadn't accounted for in my plannning for this week. WHEW HOOO... I paid that one remaining credit card bill on time.

I had $3.98 left in my checking account.

WHEW... didn't bounce anything, but cut it close!

** Hey at least I have a good budget and Automatic Bill Pay takes care of all those bills I would otherwise forget about!

I could have skipped the drive to that town and been downhearted at that discovery. But I thought, "We have full tank of gas, I did pick up quarters to ride the bus to work this week if I need to,so let's just go and enjoy the beautiful weather and these lovely towns and mountatins."

SO we packed a lunch and set off.

As it turned out, we did make it to visit and hand over my story to the writer/editor who has published many a story and books. He was gracious in taking my story telling me he will glady edit and comment and send it back. We left his shop however without the basic rods which were only $15.00 each that would have been great for a beginner. With the basics it would have been a reasonable price for our excurstion and Soren and I will go back to do that on another day. We instead did enjoy strolling through a pretty sleepy towns with antique shops surrounded by the mountains.

We then were heading back toward home and I decided to take the road I happended to be on , I guess as I wasn't really thinking at all and started driving. I then read the sign to see it was a route I knew that would take us North through towns rather than on the highway and would be a pleasant drive.

After less than 5 minutes out of the town we strolled in, I yelled exhuberantly "LOOK GO CARTS!"

We stopped and were grateful for the roll of quarters in the car. For $8.00 we got a GO Cart and Soren was trilled to drive.

The day was just wonderful! WE stopped in Winchester for an iced coffee at the McDonald's drive in window (As I had a coupon and it was free.)

I guess in the search for a McDonalds on the GPS (YES we realize that was the silliest move ever as they crop up all TOO OFTEN that one really shouldn't ever even SEEK a McDonalds...), somehow either Soren or I must have hit the Martinsburg, W VA Mall. Either that or a moment of being Literally Led to the Mall by some divine inspiration, which at that point Soren said he was starting to believe possible. (We had also earlier talked of wanting to take him clothes shopping. I do have a JC Penny card for that purpose of clothing the growing kids!)

It was when we passed the "Welcome to West Virginia" sign that I realized something was wrong with our route which I had thought was taking us to my boyfriends mountain home to the east of Winchester, VA for dinner. I realized we were halfway to the Mall (according to the route that was inexplicably on the GPS)

I took the hint, but not the directions and we turned around and headed East. This time however, before leaving Winchester we did stop at JC PENNY (which I hadn't thought of earlier) and Soren was happy to go shopping for more shorts and T Shirts.

They came in handy after steak dinner my sweet man made for us. After a movie I was happy for the guest bedrooms and we stayed there.

Sunday morning we joined the sweet mountain man at the Unity Celebration. There the Pastor gave a talk on the theme of Creating your Consiousness. He started off by saying that if you want to live a spiritual life you don't need to stop doing what you are doing in order to achieve it. You can live a life God wants with you with the gifts and tools you are given. If you are a lawyer, keep being a lawyer. You don't need to leave your job, or the person you are with, or move to achieve your own spritual potential and growth.

It was a wonderfully moving moment for me sitting there with my boyfriend. The music accompanying was truly inspiring. Soren played the jembe beautifully when the singer offered for anyone to join in. I didn't as I wanted to listen to him play in that moment.

After the service there was a healing drumming circle. We were asked to share what we were bringing with us into that circle as we prayed together. Some brought joy, some fun, others concerns to release.

Soren brought BASS
My bofriend brought LETTING GO

* I worried for only a split second when the fear creeped in that he was letting go of ME.

That morning we had discussed the rest of our day. We had initally talked of taking our his kayak a few days ago, but he wanted time alone. He said he was still feeling tired and jet lagged. But the truth is he was distancing again. He took his Harley to church, and Soren and I drove in my Van and were going our separate ways afterwards. I was planning a day with Soren again. I had said "Lets go for a bike ride as its so beautiful out" so that was the plan Soren and I made.

My boyfriend was even indecisive about joining in the healing circle. Soren and I were alredy there and at the last moment, he came as well, and the preacher made room for him. He was sitting across from us, so it was very individual spiritual experience and I didn't know where he was at in relation to me in that particular moment. I knew he was praying over his issues. So I was thrilled when afterwards he came over and said "I'll call that bike place in Purcellville and see if they can rent a tandem bike"

Neither Soren nor I had shared that our plan was to bike that day, so I then told him that was what we planned on doing and would be thrilled if he joined us.

After the drumming circle the most cathartic moment of the weekend for me was soon after I heard the singer say that two of the jembes from Ghana were for sale for $225 each. Someone else was inquiring of her about her drums. She sells them for a fair trade company that ships them here from the village where they were made. She drives down to Richmond to get new ones periodically, but the two she had with her that day were for sale.

She agreed to hold my check to cash it after my payday, and I stood there crying as I bought a beautiful sounding drum with an elephant carved in ths side. I told her what it meant to me to buy that drum and heal that wound of the loss of the one, but moreso the attack of who I am and attempts to shatter my joy as it couldn't be contained and aquired. She understood the attempt to crush one's spirit and shared with me that she just sold a drum with birds wings spread out for flight which the buyer found meaningful as she was going to use it for healing circles in a program for alcoholic women trying to find their wings.

I only later thought of the elephant as very grounded, which I think is apt for me. I have found my wings and would like someday to feel secutely rooted.

LAter that day we enjoyed a 20 mile ride on the WO&D Trail which was lovely.

We then enjoyed pizza and a salad from my garden for dinner, followed by fresh berries and cream on top of thise dessert shells one finds in the supermarket.

We then watched a movie my boyfriend picked from REDBOX as he saidn "It says this has a wonderful surprise twist.", called "The Good Life"

The surprise twist for us my boyfriend hadn't known it was set in Nebraska which is where he grew up in his teenage years along with his mom and step-father. I learned his step Dad was a state trooper for a time, which I think explains alot. He has a strained and somewhat distant yet still loving relationship with him.

In the end, it was such a lovely, although tiring and cathartic weekend for me!

Last night I slept more soundly than I have in weeks. That felt very good.

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