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2009-09-26 - 2:01 a.m.

I am awake and on line at this crazy hour as I went to sleep early (9:30pm) after an exhausting week which started with the NY travel, but Pocohantas whom I LOVE but who is far from balanced, called me at 12:30 asking "are you awake?" then asking me to look up a friend and e-mail them. I said "Sure" as she is THE MOST WONDERFUL social organizer, connector and party planner (albeit not inherently organized!) I am looking forward to spending the day with her and her friends tommorrow and it will be a blast as she invites ALL her friends to EVERY thing she would enjoy. There is always at minimum a half dozen who show up (and more often a larger group.)

On my recent birthday she invited me to go with her to a party a friend of hers was having and it was really great to be out with her celebrating.

What is fabulous for me is that Pochahotas too is a non drinker. So we really hit it off and I am so blessed to have her as a close friend. She's a bit of a boundry pusher at times, but I keep that in check with her. When I told her of a coffee date I have planned with a pilot she was hilarious in her typical way of seeing how this could benefit her saying
" OH I think you should date him! I am so supportive of nurturing that relationship. Tell him if he teaches me how to fly I will exchange free babysitting."

AH that made me laugh, as she was laughing as she said that, although SERIOUS too! She is always on the look out FOR ANY OPPORTUNITY of the moment and how something can benefit her! She cracks me up. Here I am excited and ready for the next step of meeting this guy for coffee, and my Pocahontas is already scheming to get flying lessons out of him!

Just another part of my complicated world!
I do enjoy Pocohontas time every few months and am happy that tomorrow will be a pleasant day with her friends socially. After the first few weeks of school and kid focus we both need that time together socially.

My boyfriend the air traffic controller hit that two year point and dumped me. Well... we made it to the 2 yrs and 3 mos which is a little more than his AVG! (HA HA) I can't say I should be at all surprised as that is a CLEAR pattern he has had in his life. He has great relationships for about two years, the juncture in which all the intial attraction and romance of falling in love transitions into comfortable routine and then deeper attachment sets in (for those without commitment phobia!) I understand his issues, so it's sad he couldn't overcome them to continue with our awesome relationship. He always bails at that sign of being more serious and committed. I was VERY interested in how his prior relationships ended when he talked of them, as there seemed to me a pattern of him looking for an excuse to bow out. He would plan his exit then at the least rift would take advantage of it as an excuse to get out. He followed that same pattern. He ALSO has a tendency to line up the next woman to have a relationship BEFORE severing the one he is in. Sign of one with deep fear of abandonment who not only can't commit, but also can't be ALONE!

So the past month has been time for healing. NO- that's not right. More of a time of COPING. I myself was looking forward to overcoming the hurt and then nurture and grow while NOT in realtionship with another. I kind of look forward to more of this alone time. I don't want to get into a relationship TOO SOON as I have SO MUCH I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH and I just think sometimes that it is easier to do some things by oneself when having less people pulling at my resources and hoping I can meet their needs.

I want to tackle the BAR Exam again.

I want to WRITE MORE.

I found an enticing writer's retreat I would love to go on. I don't think its affordable just yet-- but the lady who runs them at a beautiful spot in West VA does a few a year. One of her recent ones was on the theme of THE PRAYER OF SAINT FRANCIS

I was so thrilled to find her site and am looking forward to that nurtring, alone time.

But as often happens in life, we meet people when we LEAST expect to and are not looking! That law of attraction thing...

Then I heard on the radio something I found very insightful. It was a Christian counselor who hosts a fabulous show. There were two guests of Drs who work with relationship therapy and there was a discussion surrounding the question "Does one NEED to be in a relationship to HEAL?"

They had a fabulous discussion of how we ALL Are the Body of Christ and how each part heals the others in Christ.

I loved the one commentator's statement

"One MUST be in relationship for healing"

which was the kick off to the discussion of whether that is TRUE or not. The concensus was ABSOLUTELY!

They went on to say "One can COPE ALONE, but Coping is a totally different process than healing."

"You have to clean out the past through the healing process in order to have the freedom to...."
move forward
live the life we are meant to

Back to bed for much needed sleep as I have been stuggling with insomnia and some tough days after the ending of this relationship. Still in that COPING phase, but feel like that is coming to an end and I will start the healing soon!

It was such a GOOD relationship and provided me such peace and loving support. I loved the way this man who was in my life didn't cross boundaries and try to enter into my home life; yet at the same time WAS OPEN to the possibility of being a family in the future. I love the way he NEVER would come over unannounced, nor was too needy and RESPECTED my time with my girls. He was confident and self assured enough that he was fine with spending time with me every other week, and also enjoyed a "family date" around one every six weeks. Enough that the kids all really came to love him, but not to a degree which was intrusive. The honest truth is at the time I met him I wanted nothing more than to build a solid stable home ALONE with my kids. He helped to faciliate me doing that in a very supportive, loving way. I was open to the possibility of a long term commitment WAY DOWN THE ROAD if we gradually grew into that. He decided my life was just too stressful and not stable enough for him to handle anymore. After the intial falling in love phase, he felt less enthusiastic about our relationship which he sees as having been one full of ups and downs. (What's funny is I think it was SO STABLE as we never had issues with each other!) But he reacted to the environmental stressors of my life in a much more unsettling way than I DO! HE said what he loves about me is my INNER PEACE and FAITH Pespective in the fact of the curves life throws my way, but that he is not that strong and he can't do this anymore. He said he can't continue to be my partner as HE NEEDS MORE STABILITY and a CLEAR PLAN OF WHERE HE IS GOING.

And in seeking that, he decided I am not a part of that plan.

HE wants to ultimately head back West to what is still considered Home to him. He'll likely retire in a year from his job at the FAA and is putting his house back on the market to sell and move on. I think he is seeking a woman to move on with. I can't move out of Loudoun County because of the girls. Plain and simple. He didn't love me enough to want to marry me and stay here so he ended it and found an excuse to do so. It was funny as he WANTED to end it but had such trouble BECAUSE HE DOES LOVE ME so he orchestrated a way for the end to occur... and then did so on the phone which is SO TACKY but I think the only way he was strong enough to follow through as he did love me! HE tried to orchestra an end back in July but then didn't follow through. I sensed he was distancing and KNEW what was going on I just ignored it and believed he MIGHT WORK through his REAL issue of fear of commitment. HE was leaving things for me to find hoping I would REACT and then he would have the excuse. It was an avoidance game of him trying to get me to do his dirty work of ending it by trying to give ME A REASON. HE was having trouble letting go of this relationship as well, but the difference is he TRIED to do so for months before really ending it- and I had to deal with this parting AFTER he had already emotionally moved through that and was ready to move on.

Oh well.. life goes on.

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