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2009-10-03 - 9:06 p.m.

I did after all leave my comment on Max's NHPR web discussion. I think the comment was a good one, and not at all facitious or teasing about how he met his wife. I just got into the discussion and thought about it seriously AFTER the intial laughter at the irony of how he fell for her.

It's been on my mind lately: The question of why men fall for needy women, and why when I WAS in great need there were men coming out of the woodwork that I had no interest in.

So then I fell for my ex boyfriend as I felt he apprechiated and was attracted to my STRENGTHS, not my needs and weaknesses. Yet he DID strengthen my weaknesses! We complimented each other so very well. Yet in the end I was dumped as my EX was afraid I was too needy. He lost interest when my company was in the midst of layoffs and it made me nervous about my job security. He acnoweldged as much, saying that my job and housing seemed unstable so he was really concerned and "not that strong" as he needs more stability.
So ultimately he dumped me because HE STARTED TO TAKE ON MY ISSUES! He started to WORRY about things that were not his responsibility to worry about!

So sad that he was fine in this relationship but the moment there was an UNKNOWN variable he bailed out! He wanted to get out before my lease is up in OCT as he was nervous about what would happen then! * I talked to my landlord just yesterday and am happy that I DO NOT have to move but will remain here!

HE ADMITTED that it was the job and housing instability which made him stressed, but I still think it is rather offensive to end our relationship over such things. I think that is rather insulting. He gave the excuse that he wanted to be ready to move back West, but he had another woman with her kid over for dinner just two weeks later. So that was just BS. It was an excuse. He wanted a relationship that has NO WORRIES. He is in a mirage as I would be willing to bet that ANY WOMAN he is involved with likely will have MORE WORRIES than me! Seriously! I am just pretty laid back when it comes to women.

OH well...
HE kinda had it made. He had a relationship with me that was great and I had NO EXPECTATIONS other than it would continue as it was for a while until he WAS ready to move! He likely won't find that so easily.

I think most woman DO WANT more of a commitment in a relationship than I want at this time.

The really funny part is that he joked a few times about how he wanted to sell his house, and if it sold he could stay with me. I then asked one time (not that long ago) if he was SERIOUS ... as for me I was thinking " NO WAY!!!!"
Yet I have a realization that when I brought that up in a serious conversation just to see where he was at (as the jesting made me uncomfortable with the thought..) He might have read into my inquiry of what he was thinking ! I wanted REASSURANCE that HE HAD NO EXPECTATIONS that I was uncomfortable in meeting !

I think that is the real irony of this.

OH Well... Life goes on.

I just look forward to the day I don't miss him.

I even went on a couple of WONDERFUL dates with a fabulous guy who of course I met when I wasn't looking to.
Isnt' that how it always goes?

Yet I STILL feel sad and somewhat heartbroken, and even MORESO when this really fabulous guy had to go ahead and say that he thinks my EX is going to do his self development and come back around. I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT. The question posed by him was "What happens when he comes back around in 6 mos? "
* That's his projection of when that would happen.

I answered. " I don't know. "

And then , " It depends if I have fallen in love with someone else and have entered into a relationship. Then he would be out of luck."

I Have never been down this long of a time frame but for the occassion when K & D went back up to NY in 2004. Its so terrible to feel that heartbroken feeling. I just wish it would pass.

I don't understand why anyone would just want to CUT OFF all communication with someone they profess to love. It makes NO SENSE.

I suppose the fact he REPLACED me with a woman in his life immediately makes it bearable for him. That just means he really did not love ME in the particualar! If he can do that so darn easily...

I am happy to have good friends to spend time with and talk to . I am happy to have my Women's Bible study which is like an emotional and spiritaul anchor. I am happy to still have the love and support of the faith community that he and I prayed together at (although I don't go there when he is going to be there.. and I have a REAL good sense of his patterns and routines. I was able to go the first two Sundays after he dumped me as I KNEW he wouldn't be there. THEY WERE SO SUPPORTIVE! Its the kind of group where I could just go and be hugged and cry on a friend's shoulder which is what I needed to do at that time.)

OH well... Religious Ed for the girls starts at our Church this Sun anyway so I wasn't planning on visiting there for a long time regardless of whether I was still in the realtionship with him or not anyway.. But I can go on occasion, and will in particular when K & D visit as they really love it there.

I am so happy that the man I met recently who I shared a couple of lovely dates with actually was comfortable PRAYING with me. I am pleased he has a spiritual core. Prayer is second nature to him so it was natural to say a blessing over a meal. I LIKED THAT. And there are things I ALREADY KNOW that I like about his faith that are more aligned with mine than my EX. So there are some wonderful things about this man that I am am so very pleased with. ( ONe thing I DID NOT LIKE in my EX was that he would talk about his "Godself" which is the extension of the thought that GOD IS WITHIN US ALL....which is TRUE... but while it is fine to nurture your own spiritual nature I think the ego of that statement of using the term "GODSELF" smacks of the ultimate sin of all! Isn't that what Lucifer did?
Well.. I do think excessive PRIDE was perhaps a downfall for many...

I am likely better off as of course this recent EX had some narcissitic traits. I have no idea why I always fall for guys that do! What the heck is it about my love of CONFIDENCE in a person such that I don't RECOGNIZE when that confidence is to the extreme of being overly PROUD and SELF CENTERED?

OH well... That is a topic for another day as I am too tired to ponder it now and I am ALREADY thinking of lots of places to follow that thought!

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