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2009-11-25 - 11:15 p.m.

I got an e-mail from my oldest daughter commenting

"Next time Katie goes wild show her this article."

I encourage forgiveness and remind Katerina that its not Katie's fault that she was shown violence as the norm. Katerina does disagree with how I have handled the family situation in the past as she believes that we all would have been better off if I HAD called the police in NY and her Step-Father had been put in jail for a long time. When he threatened me and assaulted me there on the last occasion we were heading to VA in just a few days so I held off filing a police report until we were back down here as I KNEW if I went to the police in NY that he would not be let out of jail. (In the news there just weeks before a judgement came down of a man who used physical discipline and went to far with spanking his kid and was thrown in Jail for a few years! That news made my Ex very angry at the time. He in fact also got angry when the death of a woman who died of what at first was considered suicide by anorexia was deemed to be murder. The conviction came in that he was responsible for her death as he had been abusive to her and created the mental illness which resulted in her life ending by malnutrition. This happened right in Syracuse and that man was thrown in jail for her murder. My husband was FURIOUS over that ruling. The man allegedly had withheld food and even water from her...and within days of that article my husband then took a bowl of cereal out of my hand and said "that's my food" and took a glass of water from me saying "That's my water") So with that backdrop of the climate there in NY at the time, I did feel it was best for the little girls to get back to VA and seek help HERE rather than call the police in NY ! I figured it was better for me to file the report here (as we were planning on coming to VA in a few days anyway) and ALSO try to get in to see our marriage counselor here for counseling again. Even then I still had hope that there is no such thing as a hopeless case and all are capable of being forgiven and of growing and learning to be loving.

At the time I felt that was the best decision for the girls so they would maintain a relationship with both parents. Katerina and Soren both vehemently disagree. In particular as they are now afraid that the girls will only have a good relationship with the one parent who they feel is highly abusive (at least psychologically) to the girls.

When I said to Katerina "I did what I thought was best, as I didn't think it would be better for anyone if he were in jail."

Katerina's response was "Then at least the little girls wouldn't think it's NORMAL to be violent. They seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to treat you this way."

I try not to worry too much about it as I can only continue to do the best I can and demonstrate there is another way! After the transition it is nice to have a NORMAL peaceful environment for a while (at least!)

Interesting to me that I think the behavior of the girls has gotten worse these past few months since my dating relationship with a man that DID treat not only me but the girls with respect ended. I think the effect of his positive example was really profound although I don't think he felt appreciated enough.

I received an absolutely beautiful and moving letter in the mail today, written by me, to God. It was a fabulous exercise we did at church last Dec. It struck me as the perfect prayer which I wrote a year ago, and which is still so apt. I love that the church does this activity and recall last year when I got my letter that it made my day then. I wonder if Katerina and Soren received theirs too today as I recall they were with me the Sunday this one was drafted. I am going to share it as it arrived at the perfect time with the perfect articulation of the prayer I pray every day but needed the reminder to pray in THANKSGIVING in this moment:

DATED 12/28/08

Dear God,
Thank you for all the wondrous Blessings of this past year.
I feel like there have been many miraculous moments in which your hand in my life has been clearly present; at times guiding me when I was not strong, and at times holding my hand in support.
Thank you for _(*my boyfriend)__in my life.
Thank you for the opportunity to watch Faith in you grow in my children.
Thank you for the growth of my little girls as they become more at peace and less angry.
Thank you for the peace in __E.D.'s_____life as he has learned to trust and rely on you .
Thank you for continuing to touch the heart of Westley - so that some day he may say "Yes" to Peace & Love and learn to release his stronghold.
As the new year begins I am ever so grateful for all the blessings that surround me.
Help me to express gratitude more in the important little ways, like "Thank you" notes to my mother and others. I believe that is in area of growth that I still need to improve in- Letting others know how much I appreciate their loving help.
It is PRIDE that is my greatest flaw.
That pride may extend to not expressing appreciation enough; because at times I believe I feel vulnerable to acknowledge I have needed help, or to offer gratitude for offered help. Pleas help me with that pride so that I can accept all that is offered without any feelings of inadequacy or prideful resentment which is really just a manifestation of FEAR- fear of not being in control I suppose.
Help me to see all those angels who are lovingly here to be guided by you. When a random stranger offers a computer and when I resist, let me know it is YOUR HAND breaking through my fear and resistance!

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