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2009-12-01 - 9:09 p.m.

I am very nervous about work lately.

There have been more layoffs and I sense that more are coming.

I read this post from last year:

Unfortunately the past month or so I feel like my work has been under scrutiny and I hope that I have made the grade of meeting expectations.

I worry that the quality of my drafts is not what it is expected to be at this juncture. I feel like we are at a juncture where everyone was told to PRUNE the weakest links so there is a mandate for management to SEEK OUT the weakest links. That climate makes for a situation where if it's a numbers game there by necessity MUST be a link which is weaker than the others.

I hope I am not it.

I pray that I am not it.
The thing is I have tried everything to improve the quality of my work. The past few months however (in particular since the end of Aug) have been truly emotionally challenging ones for me. Between the ending of the relationship I had which definitely sent me in a depressed mood for a short period, and then the sudden increase of anger of the girls at me (what I see as the ENCOURAGING of anger toward me) , life has been tremendously stressful. After my relationship ended the PTSD symptoms came back WHAM FULL FORCE in a way that hasn't happened before. Its been rather challenging: Insomnia, paranoid moments and challenging thoughts and at times just utter FEAR. There is a feeling of anxiety that permeates my being so often now which is just terrible.
I have not feel this unwell in a LONG LONG TIME... Its like a flash back to three years ago.

Amazing to me how healing and stabilizing it was to be in a good relationship. The challenge for me it to be strong and well while relying on my relationship with God as there is no one else for me to lean on at this point.

I in fact think it remarkable that I can get to work and do the job I do each day under these circumstances and that I get the girls to school on most days on time!

To me my accomplishments are just remarkable considering the transitions of late and behavioral challenges of the girls on top of it all. Even when I FELT depressed I NEVER ONCE did not fulfill my obligations at home and at work. I never once neglected my responsibilities. * I did have that workaholoc almost obsessive overdrive kick in and stayed late until ridiculous hours to crank out a detailed RFP in record time.

The thing is I feel like I have been tested- like I was given projects that I was INTENDED to fail at, and then I succeeded.

I feel like they WANT to prune so have been TRYING to find reason to demonstrate my inability. Maybe this is just my paranoia, but I feel like a number of times over the past few weeks one attorney has given me legally WRONG answers intentionally for an RFP Question. I then submitted her response along with a caveat expressing my concern and my drafted language as well. *Which the proposal manager then used! Each time another attorney in another group, or the proposal manager went with what I had drafted. It was weird. I first chalked it up to a mistake. But then I started to see a pattern.

Maybe its just PTSD PARANOIA however. I actually HOPE SO... as then I just am correct in brushing off my fear as only in my head and moving forward. *Which is what I usually do!

I also hope it wasn't a mistake when on one occassion a few months ago I really DID have a paranoid moment. The one attorney told me to go home that she would finish somethign I had promised I would send. I said thanks, but then left her office and in a panicky fear finished it and sent it off. It angered her at first. I was HONEST the next day and apologized and told here HONESTLY what happened. Truth is I was late for the sitter out of my compulsion to get it done as I was afraid to NOT have it done and not be responsible in following through on something I promised. I was grateful at her kindness in listening. I made myself vulnerable in the honest discussion.

Mental illness is a terrible thing. I recognize I have some severe PTSD moments and am proud that I push through them.

I also did talk frankly with my old boss about some of the issues of my daughter. I told her that she was hospitalized and I was seeking care for her. When she was talking about the work dynamic issues I said "Interpersonal work issues are the least of my worries."

She said I shouldn't tell everyone about this... and I haven't. I only confided in her. I may have mentioned some small things here and there. I did talk to one co-worker about my ADHD ( she is a peer) and I would hope she would keep my confidence and not judge me.

The trouble is that when I make a mistake I am quick to take ownership of it and acknowledge it. I am slow to judge or point out others mistakes unless we have a REPOIRE in which I can do so comfortably, like I have with the very nice pricing contract dude who is honestly just TERRIBLE at his job! I have developed a repoire where I can point out his errors in an attempt to fix them at every opportunity.

The weird thing is thought that we have a new CM Lead and I love the feedback she gives. However while I appreciate her marvelous careful reads - she is SHARP and doesn't miss much, I do note that she too is not perfect! I have fixed some formatting nits when she has sent me stuff. So I can't be that terrible! I still think that when it comes to the more complex deals I am one of the stronger CMs in understanding how the pieces of the puzzle fit together overall. The trouble is, while I get the big picture I am the one most inclined to inadvertedly leave out a missing piece! The others might not even see the big picture, but once I point it out to them they then capture every nuance without any puzzle piece missing.

To the credit of the fabulous boss, I think she has been struggling to find a place for me to fit well in our company. She mentioned a few weeks ago that she was going to have me take on a project. A few months ago there was talk of a re-org and that two of the CMs were to report to someone new but that she wasn't sure yet what was going to happen with the third.

That third would be me. Well I HAVE reported to someone new.

Only trouble is that in doing so I have been VERY HONEST with her about my strengths and weaknesses. I hope that goes well for me. I think I might be my own worst critic at times.

Truth is that I LOVE MY JOB. I love the professional development and growth that I have personally been going through.

But the truth is I myself don't think I am particularly GOOD at it. I am AVERAGE at my best. It requires intense attention to fine details- which is certainly NOT my strength. And at this juncture, Average might not be good enough.

That is at the actual drafting which is the bulk of my work.

I do think that I have become VERY STRONG at RFP RESPONSES. That's a skill which is one I am pleased to feel like I have honed. I have strengthened my knowledge of legal concepts. I still however have typos that I do not notice until AFTER I have sent off a draft for review. I am trying to do the best I can and just pray that it is indeed good enough.

The Regulatory Group I worked with on the Tariff Auditing Project was recently consolidated with the another group. Some retired, some moved around, and I think some were let go. I did well in that job and the guy I worked with was VERY pleased with my work. So I hope overall there is satisfaction with my accomplishments over the whole past year and not judgement SOLELY based on the past few months which have been exceptionally challenging for me.

I did get a farewell e-mail last Wed from a friend at work that was let go. He's got 20 years experience and is a really capable guy. Sad as he was also the positive upbeat dude who organized the bringing in of food to share on Fridays. The Optimist who added that positive energy on Fridays was let go! That to me is not a good sign!

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