2009-12-29 - 8:43 a.m.
This does happen all the time:
Since it hits the news when domestic violence occurs with celebrities no wonder some questioned the credibility of my experiences. They figure there is no way my husband could have gotten off the hook.
The thing is, the story is always the same.
Yes in both cases there was an order of protection.
Sheen's wife will likely, just like me, have a strong order come down in Family Court in February-- Just like one Pam Brooks ruled on here in Loudoun when she granted a two year protective order in my case.
What WON'T hit the news is what happens later on in that story. What won't hit the news is when later on if there is an appeal, how the 911 call recording just "disappears" or how a photo of the bruising of her neck " disappears"
Or will it hit the news? Because Sheen is famous?
Does anyone know if over that five years those kids of OJ were told by their Father how there were LIES and that he never harmed their mother? Does anyone know if the kids have a good relationship with their grandmother? Does anyone know if she was believed by her grandchildren to not be truthful and honest?
Is it better for the kids to believe that and be trusting of their own Father?
In the end... perhaps so. Even if it is not true, the fact that for stability kids NEED to feel secure makes me actually think that EVEN IF OJS relationship with his children is marred by his lack of honest disclosure and acknowledgment to his children of his weakness and crimes of violence, if he is NOT BEING ABUSIVE TO THEM, perhaps it is essential to the children's well being that they feel secure with their Father. He is the only parent they have left since their mother is dead.
So perhaps even thought is is not JUSTICE, it is still the best for those kids. Perhaps it is still LOVE and perhaps that will have healing power and those kids will be more stable due to their relationship with a loving Father, even though he really IS THE SAME MAN who was their mother's murderer.
I can only hope so. Having been at the other end of threats and having had hands around my throat while I was thrown up against a wall in front of my girls, I can only hope so.
I have to believe so. Which is why I reminded my son to NEVER say a negative thing about the little girls father- EVER.
The girls sense of self is too fragile, and too interdependent right now at this early stage of emotional development, to be able to handle any criticism of their father. As he clearly is eroding their stability by criticizing me in front of them repeatedly, I explained to my son that to even suggest there is not even ONE PARENT to trust would be devastating for my girls. Its bad enough that I have to rebuild the eroded trust every time they come to me- work through the transition moments and melt downs and then have a few days of loving interaction.
We have so little time to DEMONSTRATE LOVE CONSISTENTLY.
So when Katie was saying to Soren how I am a liar, it was just too destabilizing for her to hear the question from Soren in response:
That was the question which resulted in my reprimand of Soren after Katie emerged in tears. I told Soren that just as he was upset to hear her claim Me, HIS MOTHER Is a LIAR- for Katie it is likewise upsetting for her to hear from anyone that one of her parents is thought a liar, but that the concept of BOTH PARENTS being liars would be so destabilizing that she could not handle it. I explained that I think Katie sees the world in black and while and that UNFORTUNATELY she has a view that she can not accept the credibility of BOTH HER PARENTS right now- so she feels that she HAS TO MAKE A CHOICE for her OWN STABILITY. As one parent is attacking the other, that is a choice she has been FORCED INTO MAKING. She's TOO YOUNG to see herself as separate from her parents (normal for a CHILD but NOT NORMAL FOR A PARENT To not see the child as separate!)
I explained to Soren just how FRAGILE her sense of self is right now- when out of the presence of her narcissistic parent - so much so that she has a hard time feeling whole when not in his presence as she is clearly an extension of him. The fear of being away from him is clearly motivated in some part GUILT that he might not be OK when the girls are not with him.
I explained to Soren that while that is unhealthy- the girls WILL GROW and he will have no choice but to deal with their growth and separation, and that they will be FINE as long as they feel stable and secure in the process. After the initial vetting of the anger and taught hatred of me, then then settle and we DO HAVE wonderful time together and then they DO nurture themselves as individuals which is so important.
It's hard when the illusion that our parents are not perfect is shattered. That shattering of a NATURAL and NORMAL illusion of childhood most often happens when kids are MUCH OLDER and THEIR SENSE OF SELF IS WELL DEVELOPED. I told Soren, that illusion of my perfection in their eyes was shattered so long ago ( by being taught by their Father that I am imperfect) , that the only mirage left of a perfect parent is that of Wesley.
I told Soren its a NECESSARY PART OF DEVELOPMENT to hold that image of perfection at some point!
I don't think they COULD have had it of Wesley when they were tiny and he was a volatile mass of negative angry energy whenever he came home. So therefore it is likely ALL THE MORE IMPORTANT they be allowed to hold the illusion now.
At some level I think their emotional growth is a bit stunted, and this is the remarkable thing about growth: everyone grows, and while at different rates and paces, we all go through the SAME PROCESS.
And sadly, while it is SUPPOSED to be parents who guide children through that process, it is not often complete and then we have relationships and often life partners in marriage who facilitate that grown. While its dysfuncitonal, at some level there is still healing when it is CHILDREN that allow parents with stunted growth to go through that process. I think Wesley has been stuck at the three year old "MINE" phase-- I have said that before. So now he is focused on SHARING with his children! Its a healing thing! Perhaps as when he was three there was deprivation and a sense of impovershment and not having enough. NOW he has abundance of THINGS and needs met, and he is truly SHARING them- perhaps for the first REAL TIME EVER Maybe he is GROWING through his relationship with his children which is only good!
So what if dysfunctional- apparently that is the view of the school. The love is enough.
So lets do all we can to continue to foster only love.
And back to the question that Soren was REALLY GETTING AT but was unspoken by him:
"WHAT IF THEIR FATHER IS LYING?"
We don't need to even ask more clearly , IS HE IS LYING? I think the question worthy of consideration is " And WHAT IF he is lying, what are the ramifications for the girls?"
The answer, which I have said many times:
"They will be fine. One day they will figure that out and that is what therapy is for."
Until then, The stability of knowing that BOTH PARENTS LOVE THEM is what really matters.
I can't control what my Ex says or does.
Only that which I do.
So that will remain my focus.
I figure family therapy at this point couldn't hurt either!
To be honest, I am the lucky one. For the girls DO LOVE ME. And they really truly LOVE ME with an understanding and acceptance of my flaws and human imperfections. I think in some ways it is a gift that they are learning early on that one CAN be capable and responsible and successful ALBEIT IMPERFECT. I think the constant attacking of my character and my ability and yet the continued obvious success of my performance may someday be inspiring to my girls and let them realize that THEY TOO Are STRONG AND CAPABLE BEYOND THE EXPECTATIONS AND BELIEFS OF OTHERS.
My girls have no illusions of me to shatter.
What more than true UNCONDITIONAL LOVE without illusions can we hope for in life?
For that, I do feel blessed.